Melissa nurses 22 month old Cole in the family's private swimming pool
I am pleased to share a guest post with my readers today that was written by a reader and friend, Melissa. The following is her story of her extended breastfeeding relationship with her son, Cole.
When I was pregnant with my son, I imagined myself having a wonderful breastfeeding experience, nourishing and nurturing my baby into a healthy child. I could see in my mind the two of us sitting comfortably, cradling him around my belly while he nursed, listening to his satisfied gulps. When I imagined this peaceful scene, I always pictured a baby, as opposed to a toddler or older. And that’s not to say that I had decided to only breastfeed while he was a baby. I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
After he was born, despite some minimal latch challenges, we began our nursing relationship. It went very well. I nursed on demand and he thrived. I was so grateful that I could meet his needs so easily. As he grew, it became his conscious choice to be comforted in this way and reconnect with me whenever he needed it. The more I read about breastfeeding and the longer I breastfed, I realized how much more breastfeeding was about than just about feeding my baby. It was an opportunity to build a relationship with my child, to create a strong attachment, to provide an intimate security for my son with me. More than anything, I wanted him to have his needs met in such a way that he could bravely begin his gradual journey of independence with as much confidence as possible. I came to understand how breastfeeding does play a major role in raising children into well adjusted adults.
When Cole was 2, my husband and I tried to get pregnant again. After several months, it didn’t happen. I wasn’t ovulating due to breastfeeding. When I considered ending breastfeeding Cole in order to start ovulating again, I knew he would be very upset and not ready to let it go. I didn’t want to put him through that so I guess I wasn’t ready either. I knew he loved it so much and needed it to make his day right. It was as necessary to him as any other basic need. I really connected with him during those times and was very clear about finding another route to pregnancy. Some months later, however, my marriage was beginning to fail and when Cole was almost 3, his father and I separated. At that time, Cole still nursed on a regular basis, although it was usually for short moments throughout the day, and at bed time of course. And even though it was not for long periods of time and he no longer needed to nurse for food, it continued to be precious and vital to him. Given that our lives were shifting into uncertainty and change with the break up of our family, I tried to maintain as much continuity in our lives as possible. I continued daily routines and limited the introduction of changes to a minimum. But when our lives did shift around, maintaining our breastfeeding relationship bridged Cole through it. He knew that whenever he needed it, I was there for him. And no matter where we ended up living and no matter which bedroom he fell asleep in at night, he could nurse himself to sleep fully assured that he was protected and loved.
As more time passed, Cole began to spend a little more time away from me at daycare while I prepared to go back to work. There were a few times where he did not want to let me go and stay at daycare, but overall, he adjusted really well. I credit our breastfeeding relationship and attachment style parenting associated with breastfeeding to his ease of transition.
During the separation, my ex-husband was diagnosed with leukemia and finally succumbed to his illness only 6 months later. It was a huge shock to our family and presented a very permanent end to a relationship with him on this level. Cole was approaching his 4th birthday at that time and I began to wonder when would be an appropriate time to finish with breastfeeding. I was sensitive to his need of it especially since he has just lost his father. But I quietly looked for a possible opportunity to transition away from breastfeeding. At that point, he only nursed for about 30 seconds at bed time. He was fully toilet trained and could go to sleep by himself in his bed after I tucked him in. I began to see that he was ready. I started to talk to Cole about stopping. I explained that the milk was starting to go away and because he was such a big boy and turning 4, it wasn’t necessary for him anymore. We could find other ways to be close and comfort him. Initially he objected, though not too adamantly. Through our conversations and due to the fact that he was older, he understood we could still be close and cuddle rather than nurse. With so much letting go in our lives, it was key that he cognitively accepted the reasoning to stop. I didn’t want to create any sense of abandonment or powerlessness over this change. The separation and his father’s death were far beyond his control and changes he certainly did not want. Instead, he played a part in this decision which empowered him to choose to let it go. And he did, with very little fuss.
I have absolutely no regrets about nursing him for 4 years. I am amazed at how independent and confident he is especially given some very big losses. He is secure and I believe that comes from a strong relationship with me which was built on a foundation where breastfeeding was central.
At the same time, I am very selective about who I tell that I nursed for 4 years as I know there is a lot of judgement out there stemming from lack of education. I have encountered, at the least, raised eyebrows and plastic smiles; at the most, accusations of child abuse. At times, it is hard to not be affected by it because this is a very personal and vulnerable part of me. I have no wall around it. But I do have this amazing child who tells me that he is so lucky to have me, that he loves me as much as outer space, and that I am the best mommy. His gratitude fills me up. Nothing compares to that.
Do you have a breastfeeding story you would like to share with Breastfeeding Moms Unite! readers? I am pleased to welcome all submissions.
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That is an awesome story. Its a shame that a mother has to be careful who she tells about her wonderful intuition and nurturing skills. I applaud the author’s bravery and selflessness and especially her willingness to put her own child’s needs above society’s comfort.
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Melissa, if you and I met in real life, I would not have judged, I would have probably teared up instead. This is what I envisioned for my daughter and I…but I had to go on meds for post-partum depression and at two months, I stopped breastfeeding. I can’t help but wonder if her anxiety (which she was officially diagnosed with at 2yrs old) was due, partially, to that sudden stop of our time together, albeit she took to the bottle immediately.
I understand that you hold this time with your son close to your heart…because it really is to precious to just share with anyone. Thank you for sharing it here…
Peace,
Lil
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Thank you so much Melissa, your story is an inspiration. I am breastfeeding my 14month daughter alot, and am amazed how many mothers arent, and some of the comments I get. I dont breastfeed in public, mainly because I dont need to, as we live in a small town.I intend to breasfeed for a long as possible, you really have gone through alot, I send loving thoughts your way, and thank you again for sharing your story.Niki.