Is it really that simple?
There has been so much talk about breastfeeding among the blogs lately that I thought I should jump on the bandwagon and throw in my two cents.
Healthy Green Mom, in her post North American Moms: What the Heck is Wrong with our Milk? questioned why so many women these days seem to have empty breasts. If only 5% of women truly are medically incapable of producing milk for their babies then why are so many women claiming to not have enough milk? She referred to Parenting Baby to Sleep’s blog post Insufficient Milk who also discussed this.
Then Green and Clean Mom shared a reader’s story called Breastfeeding or Bottlefeeding: A Personal Story which told of her decision to bottle feed after a horrendous struggle with breastfeeding. Then due to a statement she made that if breastfeeding is not working for new moms after two weeks they should just give up and switch to formula, PhD in Parenting was compelled to create a poll questioning moms about whether or not they had breastfeeding problems within the first two weeks of birth and if so, whether they quit breastfeeding or kept trying. Then she posted the results and her interpretation of her findings in When to give up on breastfeeding.
Finally, Her Bad Mother wrote a post called They Shoot Wet Nurses Don’t They? that told about the recent circumstances surrounding her nursing another woman’s child at a conference and her hurt feelings when she found out that another blogging mom blogged her own negative reaction to seeing this activity take place.
I don’t want to rehash everything each one of these bloggers talked about or why they did what they did (That’s why I posted links my friends!). Instead I wanted to share my own thoughts on the common theme running through these posts: moms who make different choices than other moms and the line they create between themselves over these heated subjects.
I have never been a black and white thinker. I took A Philosophy of Ethics class in university and struggled considerably. Abortion. Euthanasia. Death Sentences… I’ve always been able to see that while rules are in place for good reasons, there are exceptions to every rule and some are made to be broken. I believe that people are just living their lives, making choices based on circumstance and what they know. The sum of our life experiences make us who we are.
That being said, sure I have an opinion on things. But I will not force my opinion on someone to the extent that I expect them to adopt it, especially if someone is steadfast in their position. But when I feel strongly about something, like I do about breastfeeding, then I will use my voice to educate. You can’t dispute facts. And if facts hurt your feelings or make you feel guilty about your choices, then that’s an issue you need to work through on your own.
On to my opinion. My opinion on all of the above matters – milk insufficiency, cross-nursing, and breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding – is simple and based on the answer to one question. Is the mother truly informed?
If not, can she get informed? Living in poverty or with abuse, and speaking a foreign language are but a few barriers to obtaining information. Not everyone has access to the internet or enough money for the bus to the library. Not everyone is free. If this is the case and a woman uses formula or breastfeeds for only a short time, or cross nurses in public, then it is my job to try to understand.
If she can get informed then is she actively working to become informed? If she is informed then is she making a choice based on the correct information? If the information is correct, i.e. scientifically up to date, then is she making a choice based on what is best for her baby? If a woman makes an informed decision based on these outcomes then she is making the best decision based on the best of her ability. If a woman chooses to formula feed or breastfeed for only a short time after going through this process, then she likely has a good reason. Maybe she is one of those 5% of women who really can’t breastfeed. Or maybe she is a victim of bad advice, or subject to family ridicule that is too difficult to bear. I might judge her information source or society, but I will try to understand, and I will support her.
As for cross nursing, I know it is something that La Leche League does not encourage or support. You can read about why here. But I think if both mothers are aware of the risks, discuss them, feel confident that there are no health risks, and make the choice to do it, then they are making an informed decision. As for the psychological risks, a one off runs much less risk than a routine.
But usually when we see a woman doing something that we wouldn’t choose, we don’t know her personal story. And when we don’t know, we might assume the worst, unfortunately as is so common in our society. She just isn’t educated! She just didn’t try hard enough! She just doesn’t care!
I can admit I’ve been guilty of this. I remember meeting another mom who used a bottle and I cringed everytime I saw it. I didn’t ask if she was pumping or using formula, I just assumed it was formula and felt like I was somehow better than her. Then one day in a mother’s group she shared her story. She cried about how she had longed to breastfeed and then couldn’t. I don’t remember the specifics of the story anymore, but my attitude towards her changed dramatically. To this day I remind myself that everyone has a personal story that is not mine to judge.
I still draw lines in the sand between me and bottlefeeding moms. But I catch myself now. As soon as I see the line, I erase it. My experiences are made up of drawn and erased lines over and over again. I do know breast is best and you could never sway me otherwise. I think milk bank milk is the next best thing if a mom can’t breastfeed. But not everyone can afford it. These things aren’t simple. People’s lives aren’t simple. Nothing is black or white.
As I close, for the sake of my introduction, I will say again, that if a woman thinks about what is right for her baby and informs herself to the very best of her ability, and then acts upon what the information tells her is right to the very best of her ability, then we shouldn’t judge her, no matter what the outcome. All we can do is cross our fingers and hope that everything will fall into place so that in the end she will – Think. Act. Breastfeed.
*According to the World Health Organization, the recommendation for babies is to exclusively breastfeed for the first six months, giving the child unrestricted access to the breast, and then introduce complementary foods at six months while continuing to breastfeed for up to two years or beyond.
I welcome and appreciate any and all comments.
Related posts:
This was incredibly eloquent and beautiful. I wish more women would realize that without the whole story, their assumptions can be very wrong. We’re not serving our fellow sisters by being judgmental. Let’s help each other become better informed and leave the assumptions and judgments behind.
Really well put article. You put into words how I feel about the need for acceptance and understanding.
In my article, I brought the “insufficient milk” dilemma to light because I think that it is important to know that an actual inability to produce milk is much rarer than we think. Women need to know that their odds of being able to breastfeed are in their favor! Knowing the statistics, combined with supportive and accurate help for the first 4 weeks is very important so that a woman trusts herself and is empowered to succeed. I think we should question issues like “insufficient milk” so that we can stop some of the misinformation that reaches new moms that only adds to a her insecurity about breastfeeding. We know this is a problem for us based on Brazil’s BF success.
I was confident BF Mom, but for all the times a well intending mom asked me if I “had enough milk” when going through normal periods of infant growth and adjustment, I even doubted myself at times.
You are right, we don’t know the whole story when we draw a line in the sand and we need to support our sisters in motherhood. This also means looking to other possible causes of why milk supply is low rather than perpetuating a false perception to each other that it is all too common for a woman to not be able to produce milk for her baby.
Great article, thanks for sharing your thoughts on my blog and continuing the discussion!
Great post! Well said!
Very well written and I appreciate your complete openness and honesty. I think it is ideal for people to be informed wherever possible. That is one of the reasons that I blog – to share things that I learn with other people so that we can all be informed. However, I know that it isn’t possible for everyone to be informed on everything. I know that people will make less than ideal decisions, either because they were ill-informed or because despite being informed they decide that the benefits of something outweigh its risks in their particular situation.
However, what gets me upset is when people make a less than ideal decision and then either (a) blame those that did make the better decision for guilt tripping them at the mere mention of the benefits of the better approach or (b) choose to spread misinformation or downright lies about a particular choice.
If you can’t make the best choice for some reason, that is fine. But own it. Don’t deny the risks. Don’t feel guilty over it. Don’t feel like you have to convince others to make the same choice in order to validate your own.
Any reader of this thoughtful and open minded essay will no doubt also be fascinated by Hanna Rosin’s latest article (April 2009) in The Atlantic Magazine:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc.....astfeeding
I am SO impressed with your site. You offer such great information about breastfeeding and nutrition. I know I’ll learn a lot from you! Thanks so much for following me too.
Monica, in response to “I think we should question issues like “insufficient milk” so that we can stop some of the misinformation that reaches new moms that only adds to a her insecurity about breastfeeding, ” I wholeheartedly agree with you. If more postpartum care providers were aware of this and passed this info on to struggling moms and then supported them in becoming successful at breastfeeding, we wouldn’t have so many moms quitting early.
Annie, I also agree with you. Women do need to own their reasons for not breastfeeding. Some do, but it sometimes appears that more do not. My guess is that many of them are confused, hurt, disappointed, angry, etc and just have not yet come to the place that they can. I guess it is probably easier on the psyche and feels better (in the moment) to blame others. Moms want to be perfect but it’s the rare woman who comes close. I think, or maybe I should say, I hope that deep down they do know the risks. But it’s hard because we just never know what another person is truly experiencing, feeling, thinking.
I always enjoy reading your blog posts. I really admire that you take time to cite other resources and lead people to other blogs. I could start at your blog and finish at 10 blogs later, learning a whole lot along the way!
I, too, have been guilty of judging people by what I see, without seeing their whole story. I feel that most people don’t bother to educate themselves, so I often judge everyone this way. But it is important to remember that their are genuine feelings involved with each person’s story.
One of the few BF posts I can read without frowning, lol.
“I still draw lines in the sand between me and bottlefeeding moms. But I catch myself now. As soon as I see the line, I erase it.”
I’m very tired of the line between mothers. For me, motherhood is a sacred and the most amazing thing, that support is needed even more than information overfeeding.
I was unable to breastfeed and it’s one of the few things in my life I wish could have happened differently. I have been saddened over my experience online – with so many militant mothers.
The BF campaign wa supposed to be about fighting the Big Guns – the hospitals, doctors, nurses, formula manufacturers, etc, who did not support and encourage BF. It has turned into a campaign of superiority and hatred.
And it’s not just BF, it’s co-sleeping, babywearing, extended Bfing, natural birth, orgasmic birth!
When did these things become badges of motherhood?
It is one of the more obvious indications of the lowest aspect of the Feminine. Insteads of seeing a line, I see a cord of connection between two creators of life.
Also, you could do all these things and not be giving your child what they need as an individual.
I have a beautiful, very healthy, baby girl who is thriving and content. I pour my love into her and listen to her needs, not my own need to satisfy any superior notion of motherhood.
Love is first and centre.
Thank you for being a BFing mama who erases the line.
Hi there. Got pointed to your site by Megan at SortaCrunchy. Such an interesting discussion. I am one of the 5% of women, but thankfully, through lots of encouragement, persistence, and education, I managed to mostly breastfeed my first, and continued until he was almost two years old.
My second is only two months old, but I have been able to exclusively breastfeed him, after the first two weeks. I wrote a post on my blogs about the multiple supplements I take, but indeed it has been working (http://maherfamilygrows.blogsp.....ments.html).
But sheesh, it is complicated. I sorta feel, kinda (could this be MORE qualified?) that if I can do it, then nearly everyone CAN. Whether they believe they can, is a different story.
Thoroughly enjoyed your post.
Thanks for stopping by. I did read this earlier and loved it!
Thanks, Melanie for stopping by and directing my back here, it’s good to see a bit more of the big picture with regard to my own post on the topic!
The funny thing is, it’s these kind of little controversies that help us all find each other, not because of where we stand on either side of an imaginary line, but because of our ability to appreciate wisdom, understanding and courageousness in each other. When I’m taking the “easy way out” I find myself either passing judgment or avoiding conflict altogether. It’s much harder to do what you did: state your opinion while also recognizing the valid needs and feelings of others who make choices different than yours. Beautiful. Glad to have read it!
[...] and grateful to Annie from Annie Are You Okay? for passing this along to me for my recent post Think. Act. Breastfeed. Support another breastfeeding mom and check out Annie’s fun [...]
@Mon ~ Thank you for your comment. I hope to always write in a way that makes all women feel comfortable visiting my blog, regardless of her breastfeeding status. I write Breastfeeding Moms Unite! for breastfeeding women and breastfeeding advocates so we can all come together to try to make a difference. We women do have a connection to each other, and it is through this connection we can be powerful advocates in each other’s lives.
@Kimberly ~ You set the bar for the other women in the 5% club. Good for you! While I am not sure everyone could be as successful you make a good point that sometimes it comes down to whether we belive in ourselves.
@Hope ~ Thank you for your kind words.
[...] both from myself and others. There has been so much talk over the last couple of weeks about breastfeeding in public and working. There’s The Case Against Breastfeeding by Hanna Rosin, and an excellent rebuttal [...]
As a longtime friend of Melodie, our hostess, I can attest that this woman really *is* as level-headed and reasonable as she comes across online. She never loses sight of her ideal: that kindness, above all, is more important than being right — and that being right is subjective.
Great site, learn a lot from you. Keep it up!
[...] felt it. And stooped to it. We all need to work a little harder to accept each other. That’s a post on its own right there. Yes, moms need to cut each other some slack but that doesn’t amount to a case [...]
[...] me that those of us who are lucky enough to breastfeed straight from the breast might ever feel superior to moms who use a bottle. Perhaps it’s the image of the bottle that bothers us most, but in any [...]