I transitioned my bed-sharing toddler to her own bed when she turned two. I had willingly suffered through two years of very poor sleep, because the crying-it-out alternative was not an option for me. My first daughter litterally woke up an average of 10 times a night. Every time she woke up I nursed her. She didn’t miss much sleep because she was only half asleep when she woke up, but if I tried ignoring her, she would really wake up, and then both of us would be miserable for at least an hour if not more. I chose to be sleep-deprived over listening to her cry. Call me crazy, but it actually made me saner than the nights I tried to wait her cries out, when she then was sleep deprived as well as upset. But lucky for me my daughter was very verbal at a very early age. As with weaning, I talked to her about what we were going to do, so at least she knew it was coming. The following steps were how I transitioned her from my bed to her own bed inside her own room.
Step One: I told her that when she turned two she was going to get to sleep in her own big girl bed in her own room.
Step Two: We set up the bed in her room. Up until this point “her” room had been a guest room with a different bed in it and while we used the room to store her clothes, she never really went in there otherwise. Not even to play as we have all the toys in our playroom where the daycare takes place. I also took some of her favorite toys and placed them in “her” room to get her used to going in there.
Step Three: I put a matress on my floor and after nursing her to sleep in my bed I rolled off the bed and onto the floor. I know, it doesn’t sound right to some of you, giving the toddler the grown up’s bed, but due to having a creaky bed and me needing to move around a lot to get comfortable before I go to sleep (if I was a dog I’m sure I’d be one of those ones who circle their bed twenty times before settling in for the night) and my toddler being a light sleeper, the floor was my best shot at ensuring Step Three was successful.
Each time she woke up I would go onto the bed and nurse her. Sometimes she would stop crying before I got there so I started realizing that my physical presence was one of the reasons she had been waking up and continuing to cry to nurse when I hesitated. But once I wasn’t there, her nightime wakings were fewer and less intense. That being said, I was still crawling into bed with her a few times per night. And sometimes, out of exhaustion, I stayed there.
Step Four: Get Elizabeth Pantley’s No-Cry Sleep Solution and follow some of her tips.(This could even be your Step One come to think of it.) She helped make me understand infant and toddler sleep needs and how to optomize the environment to further sleep success. Things that worked for me included eliminating tv or electronic exposure at least an hour before bed, (she wasn’t watching it but we were), making sure she went to bed at the same time every night and ensuring her bedtime routine was the same every night. It was pretty routine before the program, but I tweaked it even more and saw a big difference. They say kids thrive on routine and they really do. I used to think that if she went to bed too early she would wake up at the crack of dawn like all the other kids I knew, and since the members of our family are not early risers, I did not want this to happen. Lo and behold, she went to bed earlier and still slept until 8:00 or 8:30! My girl was sleeping about 12 1/2 hours per night whereas before she was sleeping about 10 hours per night and napping inconsistently in the daytime. She started napping better in the afternoon too. Every afternoon she slept one hour, then went to bed like clockwork at 7:30. As she got a bit older she gave up her afternoon nap but continued (and continues) to sleep between 11 1/2 to 12 1/2 hours per night. Thank you Elizabeth Pantley! Pantley also suggests getting into the habit of breaking the nursing latch when you are nursing your little one to sleep. It takes some persevereance but doing this helps them get used to not falling completely asleep nursing. She says everytime they cry nurse them again, but keep trying to unlatch after counting to ten or twenty if they look really close to drifting off.
Step Five: Once your toddler starts sleeping for longer stretches without waking, and you are spending less time in the same bed with her, it’s time to move her to her own bed. Go slow! My daughter was ambivalent about sleeping in her big girl bed. She wanted to but she was afraid to be without me. I nursed her to sleep each night and then went into my own room. Everytime she woke up I went in and nursed her and comforted her. She soon learned that I was still there if she needed me. Some nights I still fell asleep in her bed, but for the most part it was a successful transition.
Step Six: I started telling her that I wasn’t going to nurse her to sleep anymore. She could nurse for awhile but she had to stop before falling asleep. She was on board. At first, after nursing her for a few minutes I would lie there until she fell asleep, but after about a week or two she started telling me to go. In fact, I had to teach her how to politely tell me she was ready for me to leave because her initial deliveries were hurting my feelings!
And that was it. That’s how she transitioned to her own bed. It probably took a couple months from start to finish, but once she was in her own bed and felt safe there, it was quick! She continued to nurse until she was three, but no longer in the middle of the night. Now I have a 25 month old who still sleeps with me. I am thinking about transitioning her too, probably by the time she’s 2 1/2. But she doesn’t wake up 10 times a night so I don’t feel as rushed this time. And I know I’ll miss having her next to me when that day comes so I guess I’m just trying to enjoy this time as much as I can.
Was this post useful? Leave me a comment and let me know. Also, please feel free to share how you transitioned your toddler to his or her own bed. And if you haven’t already, consider subscribing to my RSS feed. It would make my day!
PS: Thanks to @Luvschweetheart for giving me the idea to write this post. Check her out at Typical Ramblings, Atypical Nonsense
Tags: bed-sharing, crying it out, nighttime parenting, nursing to sleep, sleep training
Posted by Attachment/Natural Parenting, Breastfeeding Infants, Breastfeeding Toddler Subscribe to RSS feed
Excellent post! I transitioned my son to his own bed at about 13-14 months. He stopped nursing to sleep on his own at about age 2 or 2.5.
Judy – Mommy News Blog’s last blog post..Tandem Nursing – Nurturing Multiple Children
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this. I have 3 children, but this is the first one I have fully co-slept with, brand new territory. I could defiantly identify with you on many
levels, especially the chosing to be sleep-deprived over the crying.
Now I have some idea of how I am going to be able to get him out of our bed before the teen years (I jest!). Reading how you made the transition, shows me that I will be able to do this in the next year or so gently for him and myself.
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I totally lucked out with my first child. She was quite happy to sleep on her own, at least for a 6 hour block at the beginning of the night. And she night-weaned herself after her last molars came in. My new little guy has a much stronger need for me at night, and wakes much more frequently. All the smugness I carried with me about my brilliance at facilitating sleep has disappeared, let me tell you.
However, there was one thing we did that worked really well. When we got our daughter a ‘big kid bed’ we chose a double instead of a single. The result is that an adult can quite comfortably sleep with her if she really needs that. In spite of her generally good sleep we have had periods of nightmares, bed wetting, and of course sickness when being able to just crawl in there with her and sleep has helped enormously.
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@Amber – I didn’t really go into it in the post but we actually got her a double bed too. I agree it is much easier to crawl into than a toddler bed or a single bed and she will be able to use it for years to come.
Melodie’s last blog post..Transitioning a Breastfeeding Toddler To Her Own Bed
Wow, this sounds so much like what we did! One difference is that my husband did a good bit of the nighttime parenting (working toward getting our daughter in our own bed) after I got pregnant– I was just so exhausted and sick. I ended up night-weaning her several months before we brought cosleeping to an end (just before 2nd birthday for the night-weaning, several months later for getting into her own bed full-time), so that’s another difference.
Thanks so much for putting out there such a gentle way to deal with toddler sleep.
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Wonderful post! Our daughter will be 2 at the end of this month, is co-sleeping, and still breastfeeding. Although she no longer nurses at night, she is a snuggler and loves to be close to us when she sleeps, even at nap time.
We have talked about transitioning her to her own bed, but haven’t made any real plans. Thanks for all of your insight. I need to get Pantley’s book; I think that will be helpful too.
Thanks again!
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I’m going to have to try breaking the latch before she falls asleep.
We’re not exactly co-sleeping, but I do nurse my 2-yr old to sleep (lies down next to her until she’s out). She has been sleeping on her own bed in the room with her brother since she was 12 months old. Like you, the night wakings have lessened since she slept on her own bed and it’s now down to maybe 1-2 per week, but she still wakes up around 6-ish every morning and makes her way to our room and climbs onto our bed where she will nurse, fall back asleep a bit (if we’re lucky!) before fully waking up at 7am.
Thanks for sharing. Great post!
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This is such great information — I’m definitely going to keep tabs on this for when it comes time for me to do the same.
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What a beautiful transition plan. I will earmark this for my patients who ask for ideas. Thanks so much!! Melissa
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[...] I also recommend The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley for parents who are having sleep difficulties with their baby or toddler. Also see my post called Transitioning a Breastfeeding Toddler to Her Own Bed. [...]
Thank you SO much for this post. I have a 13.5 month old daughter and we nurse-to-sleep and co-sleep. Like you, I am ready to have my own bed so I can get some much needed sleep. I have loved co-sleeping despite the sleep deprivation but now that my baby is a very active toddler, I’m realizing I need more sleep so I can be a better and more alert parent!
I’m not yet sure how I’m going to night wean and I am a little concerned that my child will be getting out of her big girl bed and wandering all over the place all night. Of course we will childproof her room but I just can’t picture her staying in her bed. Also, she tosses and turns like a pinwheel so I seriously wonder how she’ll stay covered. Clearly she can’t sleep in a sleepsack if she’s alone in a bed.
I’m sure though that everything will go just fine. I must reread Elizabeth Pantley’s book in preparation. And may I also recommend Bed Timing, by Lewis and Grancic? It’s a book about WHEN to make sleep transitions and although I haven’t put it to use yet, I’ve heard it’s very helpful. Wish me luck…
[...] was one of the very few things that guaranteed our household some peace and her some contentment. She transitioned into her own bed very easily at the age of two. But when the second baby came along I wanted to do things differently. She had an easier temperment [...]
Your article has put me at ease. Today i talked to her nursery who made me feel awful because my dd of 23 months co-sleeps and nurses they said i need to cut that out now or she will never change. I don’t need advice like that, i know she is very clingy and rules the roost and won’t let me out of her sight. However reading your article has given me new hope that me an dd can do this transition. I am a single parent so i know it is going to take time also i am in no rush but would love the space and get some me time back.
Just wanted to say thanks for your post. I have a 10 month old who is co sleeping, nursing to sleep and night nursing. So far I am enjoying the ride (okay, there are some moments when I wish I had more freedom, but hey, freedom is not what i signed up for when i became “mommy”), but in the future I’m going to slowly start to transition him to his own bed and sleeping without mommy. Thanks again for your suggestions!
Wow, I was so surprised to read this post and then all of the comments afterward. I guess it is a great transition plan if your children sleep with you and are older. However, I would suggest just buying the ‘no-cry sleep solution’ before your child is born and start the transition process from the start. I started when my son was about 6 weeks old and he has been sleeping on his own and falling asleep on his own ever since.
Best of luck to you all with the transitions
[...] I practiced child-led weaning perfectly, but I do feel good about how we did it. The process of weaning happened gently and feedings tapered off very slowly. We talked about it for the few months leading up to her [...]
Like Amber, I got lucky with my 1st. He hated co-sleeping. My second, however, INSISTS on sleeping tucked under somebody else’s arm. Unfortunately, I cannot sleep with kids in the bed (I’m a light sleeper and the minute they move I’m awake) so I absolutely had to get him sleeping on his own as soon as possible.
It wasn’t easy to get him into his own bed, but I think it helped that he got to sleep with his brother (we started them out in separate beds, but Julesy just climbed into bed with Jonas every night, so we eventually just removed the toddler bed and now they both share a full size.) Now at nearly 2, Julesy does sleep all the way through without waking up, but up until a month or two ago, he still needed to nurse at least once a night, which was really, really hard, because he’d always wake up the second I put my head down.
That’s a disjointed comment, but suffice to say I think it’s a good post because these can be really challenging things to deal with.
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