Bosom Buddies. Breast Friends. There’s a funny little cult of breastfeeding moms out there, and I have to admit I belong, only I usually choose not to use a colloquialism. It creates too weird of a visual for me. (Shaking head).
I have many breastfeeding friends. I have breastfeeding friends at home, most of whom I’ve met at La Leche League meetings, and I have my on line breastfeeding friends, most of whom I’ve met on twitter and through my blog. At this stage of my life my breastfeeding friends out number my non-breastfeeding friends (most of whom don’t have kids yet anyway) by a significant margin.
At home, strong friendships were born out of La Leche League. The original common purpose of breastfeeding, thus leading to discussions about the other things we have in common, helped build a foundation of shared values in many aspects of our lives. It turns out our husbands can be friends and our children are friends. These are the women who now plan together, with whom I was with just this weekend, out in the wilderness, on Buttle Lake in Strathcona Provincial Park. No, we didn’t see any bears or cougars – thank goodness!
My on-line friends, although I know little about them (or should I say “you”?) other than via blogs and tweets are important allies to me. Again, I feel a certain connection with many of you based on shared values. If any of you ever needed something from me, be it advice, support, letter writing, an ear (or is it more correct to say an “eye”?) I’d be there. I think this is common practice in the breastfeeding community. At least it feels like it. What starts out as a common parenting choice somehow turns into a kind of sorority sister bond. We don’t have sororities in Canada. I actually think they might be illegal here (don’t quote me on that though), but I picture a bunch of women who have been through the trenches of initiation to the house (of motherhood) together, some have struggled more than others but all of us are aware of the struggles that exist and in that sense can be there for each other. And once you’ve been a member of the sorority you remain one. Even if you’re just an alumni. Basically I feel like I belong to a sub-group of the larger community called mothers. And while I support all mothers (for the most part) I tend to gravitate towards those who breastfeed (and who breastfed).
It’s wonderful to have that common ground, that shared experience, that relationship where it’s safe to nurse your child in front of someone without worrying about their sensitivities to seeing an inch of your breast. And I find that many breastfeeding moms have similar views on things, like attachment parenting, alternative schooling and vaccinations and/or vaccination schedules. Or maybe that’s just the little cult of us – the ones who place so much importance on breastfeeding as the gold standard of good health. Many breastfeeding cohort studies say moms with higher educations are more likely to breastfeed. So maybe it’s the moms who are genuinely interested in and rely on the scientifically proven parenting techniques who make friends. And other moms make friends based on different common ground.
I’m sure it must be like this for all kinds of mommy friends, regardless of breastfeeding practice. but for me, there is a certain unique quality to the friendships between breastfeeding moms.
Do you feel this way too? One way or another I’d love to hear back from you so please leave a comment. It would make my day!
Related posts:
- Monday Musings: A History of the Breast
- Monday Musings: Becoming An Attachment Parent
- Monday Musings: What Are You Doing For World Breastfeeding Awareness Week?
- Monday Musings: Would You Nurse Another Woman’s Baby?
- Monday Musings: Are You Going?
Tags: friends, La Leche League, Monday Musings
Great post – I love speaking to grandmas who tell me that they met their best friends at LLL Meetings decades ago and now go with their daughters (and daughters-in-law) and watch them form those same friendships.
Along the same lines, I find it difficult to stay friends with formula feeding moms. I don’t dislike them and we never argue, it just seems like the relationships never last.
I thank goodness for my breastfeeding friends. Through La Leche League they’ve helped me with problems, through Twitter they’ve kept me sane, and through blogs they’ve helped me realize I’m not alone.
I’ll go ahead and agree too! Although I have a few friends who formula-feed (or formula fed), I find that the moms with which I have the most in common are moms who breastfeed on demand, and are generally more attachment-parenting leaning than the other moms I know. It’s hard enough to have to make friends with people just because you both have kids around the same age, but add in COMPLETELY different parenting styles and worldviews and those friendships aren’t likely to outlast the first year of baby’s life. I’ve met (and strengthened friendships) through my local LLL group. Wouldn’t want to live without it!
I do have my own breastfeeding and AP bubble that I like, but also enjoy the few spicy rebels to my ideas that I also hang around with.
I have a few “IRL” breastfeeding friends, now that my youngest is 20 months. But really it’s my blog, twitter and forum friends that keep me a proud breastfeeding mommy. When I’m frustrated, feel like I’m the only one left, feel like throwing in the towel…it’s the women whose written words encourage me that really keep me going.
At La Leche League they say that people come for the breastfeeding info, and stay for the mothering support. I found that myself. When I stumbled into that meeting with a 2-month-old I couldn’t have imagined the community of like-minded women I would find. It’s amazing, and it is like a sorority of moms.
I agree with the above comments about the difficulty in staying friends with formula feeding moms. It just gets uncomfortable when you are so pro breastfeeding. But I have found that the moms I made friends with who ff – we met because we had our babies at about the same time and hung out for no other reason. As time went by and we got to know each other better it turned out we didn’t have much in common past our babies birth year. Visits dwindled when one started formula feeding at 3 months because she just couldn’t stand to breastfeed. I was glad she did it at all, but *I* ended up feeling guilty somehow because I just kept going and going with the breastfeeding and I am sure she felt judged or something when she was around me. She was always apologizing and explaining herself when she didn’t need to…it just got uncomfortable for both of us. It was obviously never meant to be a lifelong friendship but I know breastfeeding played a small role in creating distance between us.
@Naomi – I have some “spicy” friends too but most are the lifelong friends you just have to love no matter what. Those ones I have other things in common with besides kids. They’re their own brand of special;
I love having a close friend who is also breastfeeding — our babes are about 5 months apart and we love taking little breastfeeding breaks together!
Such a nice way to bond — babies and friends!
@desiree fawn – indeed!
I think this is very true, in all aspects. You tend to make friends with people who share the same values as you. And I agree that often, breastfeeding is just one aspect of a bigger, general philosophy, so that other moms you meet breastfeeding (at LLL meetings, for example) tend to be people you will have things in common. I have friends who breastfe(e)d and those who don’t, and although I consider both friends, I have to say that I’m closer with those that did – exactly because we share other values as well.
Because I work fulltime outside the home I still feel like there is a divide between Moms who stay home vs. Moms who work outside the home, even when we are all nursing and/or co-sleeping. Recently I have been attending LLL meetings and have met some nice people. But so far, no one has emailed or called to say “let’s get together”. I still feel that invisible wall, kind of like a glass ceiling except it’s a wall, between myself and the Moms who are staying at home.
I agree that breastfeeding is generally part of a larger parenting philosophy. I have friends who ff for various reasons, and some of the younger moms share more of my views now that they’ve been exposed to the information. Sometimes inexperience, and lack of support can make choices that seemed so obvious to me, difficult for others.
I try very diligently to remember I made my choice to breastfeed (and AP, no VAX, etc) based on knowing what was right for me and many women are not informed, confident or supported to make choices in the same way.
This helps me to overcome what might otherwise create distance between us and allows me to be available to offer assistance and advice to friends on their next baby. (But that doesn’t mean I’m friends with everyone.)
@Alina, I felt the same way when I was working away from home a few years ago and recently again when I started working at home. I try to remember if my phone isn’t ringing, that I should pick it up and call the women I most want to hang out with. It’s made a BIG difference in creating and maintaining friendships with the women I really want to be with.
Thanks for a great post.
@Alina: That is true, in a sense, I think. I understand where you’re coming from. I think that part of what does that divide is that playdates are often plan during the week in the mornings (here, anyway), so for those who are SAHM or who work part-time a few days a week, it makes it easier to attend. Weekends are more often oriented for family activities, and evenings are busy with dinner, baths, bedtimes, and all the chores that weren’t done in the day.
This is only my opinion and experience, of course – not saying this goes for everyone.
Personally, I chose to stay-at-home because it felt right for me and I could afford it, but I’m certainly not one to judge other people’s choices/circumstances, and absolutely don’t “hold it against” anyone! If I plan a date, I might send the invite, in case they are off that day and so. But I can see how timing might affect this as whole.
@Alina _ I agree with Johanne. That’s a good point. My three closest friends here are all SAHMs and get together with their kids for park and beach dates while I’m at home running my daycare. This also means all those cool classes people sign their kids up for, I can’t attend/sign up my kids for. Then you get left out of the loop in conversation and I definitely feel like the odd one out when I am with them. And these are my closest friends!
What keeps us close and keps my snity is one evening a week together, meeting for coffee or going for a swim or a work out or a pub date. Thne I get all caught up and it does my mental health so much good! Could you suggest something like that with a few women you particularly like and see if any of them are up for one night? Even every two weeks?