This post is a part of The Carnival of Maternity Leave being hosted by the one and only Amber at Strocel.com. Go on over and check out her blog for some other great maternity leave stories.
I am one of those lucky Canadians who recieved a year long maternity leave. In addition I got top up from my health care employer. I forget how much I made but it was pretty close to my full wage.
My husband took two weeks of parental leave so he could be home with me for the first two weeks, and then I was left to enjoy catching up on my movie renting and caring for our daughter. I assumed I would want to return to work within six months. I thought it might be nice for my husband to take off the other available six months for himself. I was so naive!
I remember my daughter approaching eight weeks and thinking to myself that my best friend’s sister in North Carolina had to return to her full time teaching job when her baby was eight weeks old. My heart broke for her as I watched my little girl who was still months away from even rolling over for the first time, and knew I would fight tooth and nail before leaving her so young. As she came up to five and six months I laughed at myself for assuming I would be itching to go back to my job. I loved my job – it was and still is my soul’s work, but my daughter was my whole heart. I had six months of around the clock breastfeeding, babywearing and bonding left to go.
As it got closer to my time to return to work I did the working-mom’s duty and tried to find her a good daycare close to my work site. I wanted a family child care setting over a group setting (which was good because all the group spaces had been full for over a year) so my daughter could really bond with her caregiver and feel like the part of a family. After a couple of interviews that left me shocked and dismayed not to mention downright worried by some people’s idea of good child care, I found one woman who did child care in her home who shared many of my parenting values and philosophies, fed the kids vegetarian snacks and lunch, practiced ECing (although that wasn’t for me) and accepted my cloth diapering, which many other providers didn’t, and was just around the corner from my work site if I wanted to stop in and give my baby a cuddle or nurse her down for her nap. She was the kind of woman I’d have made friends with if we had met under different circumstances. She was perfect. By the way, I strongly urge moms who are returning to work after their maternity leave to find and register your child for daycare as early as possible. Especially if you live in a large city or a town with lots of young families.
But then my anxiety attacks began. Soon I would be working 8 hours a day and communting 45 minutes each way for a total of 9 1/2 hours away from home. This was not an ideal situation for properly mothering my daughter. No child was ever more attached to the breast than she. Bottles? Ha! I was sure she would have preferred to starve. Food interested her, but she certainly didn’t eat enough not to supplement, and she hated cow’s milk. I didn’t blame her. I don’t like it either. Maybe if she had been a different child, like my second daughter, I wouldn’t have worried so much, but I assumed she would starve in child care and that it would be all my fault.
And there was another problem. A much bigger one. My baby cried ALL. THE. TIME. Not just when she was hungry, wet, tired or bored. Not just at the “witching hour” after dinner or in the middle of the night. She cried ALL. THE. TIME. No amount of attachment parenting tools would cure it. The only time it seemed like she wasn’t crying was when she was nursing or sleeping. But even when she was sleeping she woke up an average of ten times per night (crying of course), and the reality of the apparent problems my baby had hit me hard as it came up to the time to return to my beloved job. There was no way I could put her in care. There was no way she would put up with being apart from me nine and a half hours a day, five days a week.
Before coming to this conclusion, I had been interviewed by my employer for a position that would have had me promoted. I won the interview. It was exactly what I wanted, and I racked my brain to think of a way to make it work. They racked their brains thinking of a way to make it work for me too, but in the end I had to turn it down. I requested a year’s leave of absence and received it. I promised to return. I hoped my daughter would mature and individuate enough for me to leave her by that time.
A leave of absence covered my health benefits but not any salary. I decided I would do child care in order to generate some income and stay home with our daughter; however, our bills were high and debts were mounting. While I made enough money on maternity leave to keep my end of things afloat, we had no money set aside for even one dry month. There was no way I could make enough money looking after only one or two other children. (I wanted to only do “license-not-required” child care so I could still devote much of my care and attention on my daughter. That meant that by British Columbian law I could only have one to two other children under my care). So we sold our house.
It was an extreme move and a bold move, but a good move. The house had gained enough equity in the previous year to pay off most of our bills and apply a big chunk of change toward a down payment on the new house. This meant our mortgage payments were much lower than they otherwise would have been, which took a lot of pressure off us. The new house (where we live now) was perfect for running a family child care business out of too. Having a lower mortgage and way less debt meant I could work child care around a schedule that worked best for me and my daughter. For a year I only cared for one or two children at a time.
Fast forward eleven months. I’m pregnant. If I want a paid maternity leave again I have to return to work full time for six months. I had one month to find a new job. The jobs available were rotating day, evening and night shifts, now an hour’s drive away. My daughter was still a very high needs child, and I knew she wouldn’t tolerate the hours I would be forced to work. And finding child care provider for a high needs one year old, to work around my crazy schedule was way too much to figure out with less than a month’s notice.
So I didn’t return to a full time job in health care. I birthed my second daughter at home and saved up enough money to take two months off work before returning to my daycare duties. Just like my American friends, I thought. I really missed not having a maternity leave the second time around. I felt especially ripped off because I had been working full time for a year and a half at that point, but when you have your own business, it doesn’t matter how much you work, you don’t qualify for Employment Insurance so you don’t get a mat leave. Yes, I still got to stay at home with my second daughter, but it wasn’t quite the same thing.
My husband got to take advantage of his right to a parental leave though. He took his full allowance of six months off. He got paid to be at home, just like I did the first time around, and it benefitted me a lot to be able to rely on him for help when I needed it. He got a chance to have a break after working double shifts for a decade.
I’m very thankful to be Canadian. I’m thankful we have a year long paid maternity leave, and I’m thankful to have had an employer who let me take a year’s leave of absence and then didn’t freak out too much when I was unable to return. Being on maternity leave was wonderful for bonding with and getting to know my daughter, and I often think that if I hadn’t had that time with her, things could have been a lot rougher than they were. Maybe not for me, but definitely for her. It gave me the time to realize something was wrong and it gave me the time to sort out my priorities. We wouldn’t have sold our house if it wasn’t for needing more money so I could be a stay-at-home-mom with our daughter. We assumed we’d live there forever. Although perhaps not the best for the economy, Canada’s maternity leave is best for families. At least it was for mine.
Related posts:
- We Interrupt This Breastfeeding Post…
- The Canadian Maternity Experiences Survey: My Answers
- Monday Musings: How Much Do You Emphasize Healthy Eating in Your Home?
- Review: MENYKA Nursing and Maternity Wear
- Breastfeeding Nature’s Way
Tags: Carnival, maternity leave, pregnancy
That’s wonderful, that you get a year at nearly full pay in Canada. That’s much better than even here, in the UK. I got six weeks at 90% pay and then another 26 weeks at the statutory amount, which was just under 1/3 of my usual salary. So it was something, but not as good as the setup in some other countries. At least it’s better than the US is all I can say. I think it’s an absolute travesty that women only get about six weeks as a standard mat leave. It’s an absolute abomination and completely disregards the mother-child bonding and the intensity of newborn care in the early months.
I love our maternity leave too. Unfortunately for me I was in school and waitressing when I became pregnant. I only qualified for a tiny amount of EI payments because tips are not included in the calculations. I ended up going back to work after 4 months but only 2 nights a week. I still collected some benefits though.
I hear you. I also gave my 2-weeks notice to my boss a mere, well, 2 weeks before my return to work – after negotiating hours and shifts with him and assuring him of my return since February (i.e. 4 months prior). I just couldn’t do it – I panicked at the idea of leaving my baby for so long, 4 days a week, and I didn’t want to do daycare, even though we found an amazing one just, um, across the street from our place. He took it ok though, and was very supportive, which I am thankful for.
In my case though, I was working part-time for a non-for-profit, so my salary was pretty low, minus daycare cost and accessory expenses, bus passes, and all that shebang, I was going back for less than $1000/year. So in my case, it was really a no brainer to stay home, and it wasn’t a career either. I realize that I was very fortunate to be in that situation, and am thankful for it every day that I am home with my {also high-needs} baby.
I love our Mat Leave system here in Canada. It’s amazing to get 52 full weeks to stay home with your baby. Even more than that, if you have a medical condition warranting it (preterm labour at 23 weeks should just about do it), you get up to an additional 17 weeks off. Meaning your bed rest doesn’t eat up your mat leave. Luckily, we didn’t have a preemie – she just wanted to give Mommy some down time before coming along at 38½ weeks (thanks, hun!) I think that anything less than that is too short – that first year is so critical in the life of a newborn, and in the bonding between mother and child. I couldn’t even begin to imagine going back to work after 8 weeks, often UNPAID to start with, when DD is so young and helpless and when I’m still only recovering from birth and figuring out all these overwhelming hormones (and caring for a high-needs baby who does indeed cry ALL. THE. TIME. I totally hear you on that – and yes, she is still “spirited” at 1 yrs. But I love her.)
@Noble Savage: Not everyone gets nearly full paid. The government gives you 55% of your salary (here in Ontario. Other provinces are slightly different: Québec gets 70%, but they pay a lot more taxes too, so it equals out in the end). Some companies will top that off – notoriously, government workers have an EXCELLENT mat leave at 93% of their salary. However, they usually require you to come back to work at least a year after, or else you have to pay back your top-off, which is a shame (I have a few friends who were in that situation).
As it happens, I had switched job just prior getting pregnant, and that’s ultimately the one I didn’t go back to.
I used to work for the National Gallery, which is part of the Government of Canada, but as I was under a temporary contract (which was always renewed, but, you know, technicalities…), I wasn’t entitled to that. Boo
But getting 55% of something is definitely better than 0%!!
Arg, my Twitter is Moon_Dust, not MoonDust! It keeps changing it for me…!
(sorry – but I felt like a fraud misrepresenting my identity! lol)
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I had a crying-all-the-time baby, too. I remember other people talking about how their children would get out of bed and wander around, searching for solutions to keep toddlers contained. I didn’t understand because my daughter always woke up screaming. And if I wasn’t there, she would just stay put and scream until I arrived. She went to part-time daycare at one year, and she actually cried less there than she did at home. I was EXTREMELY jealous.
What I really wanted to say, though, was thanks so much for playing along and sharing your story! I’m glad you were able to find a solution that worked for your family. That’s so fabulous that you were able to swing that, and I know your girls have benefited so much by having you there to parent them full-time.
I am impressed that you took the bull by the horns and sold your house. I am constantly amazed by my friends and colleagues who purchase WAAAAY too much house for themselves and then complain about having to return to work because the bills are too high. When I have suggested downsizing a house, I just have gotten blank looks. Hubs and I bought much less house than we could afford with both of us working precisely because we knew we wanted a family and for someone to be home with the kids.
Good for you.
Good for you. You did what was right for you and for your family. None of the decisions you made were easy. I went back to work after three short months… and only lasted one month before saying my goodbyes. My heart belonged at home… My head sometimes elsewhere. I enjoy spending time with my family as well as working. So now that my kids are 6 and 9 I get to have the best of both worlds. Enjoy every moment and congrats on your growing family.
@Johanne – When we did the calculations it didn’t make sense for me to go back to work either. With the cost of daycare (Also substantially higher for children under age 2) and the commute, half of my wages would have been gone. We needed pretty much every penny I made to help pay the bills, so when we realized that I could make about $200-300 more per month doing full time daycare AND get to stay at home with our daughter, it was a no brainer. Sure, things were dry for a bit while I looked for two kids to care for, and eventually I did get licensed so I now look after up to seven kids per day, but for the first two and a half years of her life my oldest daughter got all the attention she could have ever wanted.
@Amber – When I put the oldest in preschool I forewarned them how challenging her behaviours could be, how she was demanding, screamed a lot, and cried a lot. I was shocked to learn that that is not how she acts in preschool or at other people’s houses. It’s just how she is with me. On one hand that’s great that I don’t have to deal with having a difficult child in the school system (yet!) but on the other hand, it makes me very jealous too, and it also makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong sometimes. Do I really “allow” her to scream and cry? I don’t think so. My hubby might beg to differ though. It’s so frustrating!
@Kimberly – A friend of mine told me she uses my story as an example of how parents CAN stay home with their kids if they REALLY want to. It’s about priorities, I guess. Our daughter’s well being was more important to us than the house we lived in. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked and was as stressful as hell moving, but it helped keep us together, and that was the most important thing.
@Bradi – Welcome to the blog! I can absolutely understand you not lasting at your job. I think your situation is more common. We know we have to go back, so we do, but find it just too agonizing to continue. I’m sure there’s a stat out there somewhere that shows that new moms are more likely to not return to work or to return then leave, more so than any other person granted leave for other reasons. We aren’t so good to our economies but raising healthy children is good for society in so many other ways. I think it balances out in the end.
What an inspiring story Mel! You are a truly wonderful mom and luckily have a great support system there in Canada (and also at home with your husband). Selling your first home was indeed a bold yet life defining move. What difficult decisions you faced… and made the best of what you needed to do to provide the best you could for your growing family. I struggled with those feelings of wanting to return to a career I enjoyed, yet my heart being at home with my babies…. especially after C.Michaels’s surgery.
A great story to tell your daughters in years to come.
Thanks @Melissa – I guess it is a good story to tell the girls as they grow older. I never thought of it that way until now. Thanks!
@Amber and @Melodie
We have had a few high needs “crying all the time” children in my various extended families. In the infant stages, they would continue that behavior anywhere. As they got a little more interactive with age, they only exhibited this “crying all the time” when mommie was there. We called it “Mommie behavior” and it was like a switch going on or off.
I think some kids are simply like that and may simply “need” mommie when she is around until they can separate themselves with maturity. Just MHO…from observation.
You both probably already know this…. I’ve read studies out there that show children who get what they need from their parents in those early years turn out to be much more well adjusted adults. You are both awesome
[...] were able to arrange things so that Melodie could stay home, which she tells us about in her post My Maternity Leave Stories (Or How We Sold Our House So I Could Be A Stay-At-Home-Mom). Here is an excerpt describing her anxiety as she considered the prospect of returning to work: [...]
Great post! I think that you captured what happens to a lot of us. We don’t realze just how much having a child will change us and then we have to figure out where we are going to go next with our lives.
@Brie – Exactly.
[...] and homeschooling her. I have and will continue to put my children’s needs first. Remember, my husband and I sold our house so I could be a stay-at-home mom. I just hope that she does do well in public school. I did, so I hope the luck of the draw is [...]
[...] a child who has always had challenging behaviours, no matter what kind of parenting you do, or what kind of sacrifices you make, it’s hard not to sometimes doubt your tactics. The past few months also have been busier than [...]
[...] was fortunate enough to have a year long maternity leave, and then decide to work from home after that year was up, during which time I spent a lot of time reading up on attachment parenting and happily finding my [...]
[...] my first daughter until the eve of her third birthday. I continue to breastfeed my 34 month old. I left my much loved career so I could be a stay-at-home mom and do this. As a result my daughters have never had to know what it is like to be without me (or my [...]