My daughter starts kindergarten in September. Like most other children she will be attending a public school. However, unlike most children she has a mother who doesn’t necessarily think public schools are the best places to educate children. I think very highly of homeschooling and if circumstances were different I would probably follow the homeschooling/unschooling route. So why am I sending my daughter to public school? Read on.
7 Reasons My Daughter Is Going To Public School
1. Reputation. We live in the catchment area for the best elementary school in the school district. How I know this is because when we moved here, people asked where we were living and would then exclaim “You’re so lucky! That’s the best school in town!” Strangers told me they drove out of their way to take their kids there. Parents I meet who are teachers tell me it’s the best. The teachers are committed and the parents are involved. Everyone works together to create an optimal learning environment for the students.
2. Location. The school is not only in our catchment area, it’s a ten minute walk from our house. I always wanted to live close enough to a school so that my kids could walk there. I used to walk 45 minutes to school when I was in elementary school. I had no problem with it and would still have loved my kids to do the same if we lived further away, but with the way society is now, I would prefer not to be called an incompetent parent for letting my kids walk so far. Head on over to Free Range Kids if you want to learn more about what I am talking about.
The school is also surrounded by farmland and forest, not shops and highways – a lovely rural school setting. I went to two different elementary schools, which both backed on to forest and trails. I have the fondest memories of running through the woods and along a stream bank, making forts under the big trees and exploring inside rotting stumps. These days such school properties would be fenced to keep predators out. And this school is fenced too. But my daughter will have a lot of fun walking there at least. I wrote about the games my kids play on our neighbourhood walks here.
3. Everyone thinks she should go. For a variety of reasons, our daughter has been assessed for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). After two and a half years of observation and tests, the results came back negative. We continued on with more testing afterwards and everyone finally came to the conclusion that she is a “high-spirited” child with a language processing disorder and a smattering of other significant, but not diagnosable, issues.
One of her challenges has always been large groups. However, when we anxiously sent her to pre-school last year we discovered that she does very well in group settings, as long as her parents aren’t there. If we are, she becomes whiney, clingy and won’t play with the other kids. If we aren’t there she follows the group norm and participates. Therefore, because of that and her other social challenges that go unresolved when I am acting as the primary caregiver, the pediatrician, occupational therapist, speech language pathologist and her former pre-school teachers think she should be in an a more structured social environment. We think so too.
We agree that she responds well to structure and feels comfortable with caring adults who interact with her. She gets challenged by being in this kind of milieu, but unlike at home, she accepts learning how to face the challenges, and with support, often comes through them with newly instilled pride. It breaks my heart that she won’t try new things with the support and guidance of her parents (how odd is that?), but I have come to accept that if she can learn courage and confidence in school, then I fully endorse her attendance there.
Now For The Selfish Reasons…
4. I need a break. I’m frustrated that her behaviours appear to be somewhat out of my control. She doesn’t respond to the gentle discipline techniques of my attachment parenting style. She also has a trait aptly named “negative first reaction” which means she always says “no” before she says yes, and all the patience I’ve practiced with her “disagreeableness” is finally wearing thin. We will only be apart two and a half hours a day five days a week, but I know it will be enough time for me to re-charge and be able to be a more loving and patient mom.
5. I will get to spend some 1:1 time with our other daughter. I think it will be nice for my youngest to get mommy to herself for a little while everyday. I have a very strong bond with my oldest daughter. I changed my life around so I could be a stay-at-home mom for her. I think it’s time for my youngest to benefit from my full attention.
6. It takes a village to raise a child. As my daughter grows up I hope that her life will be touched by many caring grown ups who will help her to develop all the many facets of her burgeoning personality. I don’t believe in raising my child in a vaccuum, and even though homeschoolers often participate in homeschooling groups and many extra-curricular activities, with me there by her side, she would be. I accept and welcome all “teachers” in her life.
7. I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom forever. As much as I value homeschooling I also want to get on with my life outside the sphere of motherhood. I want to go back to school and get my Masters degree. I want to re-join the workforce. I want to use my brain for more than coming up with new craft ideas and helping toddlers resolve toy disputes. I’ve loved being able to witness every milestone, breastfeed on demand, practice extended breastfeeding, and truly be my child’s first teacher. But I admit that I am ready to pass on the torch.
That all being said, if my daughter has problems in school I will have no hesitation pulling her out and homeschooling her. I have and will continue to put my children’s needs first. Remember, my husband and I sold our house so I could be a stay-at-home mom. I just hope that she does do well in public school. I did, so I hope the luck of the draw is genetic. Of course I have my hesitations about the public school system. A part of me thinks I’m a fool for putting her in a public school. So now here’s some…
Reasons I Wish I Wasn’t Sending My Child To Public School
1. At home she could learn at her own pace. My daughter is so smart! (Sorry, I’m about to brag here – look out! Proud mom words ahead!) She is already reading, writing most of her letters, spelling and doing simple math, and she’s not even five! I know that in school the smart kids often get left behind because it is often more important to help the slower kids catch up. I don’t want her to be bored for lack of stimulation. But I continue to remind myself that I’m putting her there to improve her social skills, not learn her ABC’s.
2. She has special needs. However, since she doesn’t have a diagnosis for a true childhood disorder she is not applicable for aid. But her language processing problem will be a challenge. I usually have to repeat myself several times for her to process my messages. I don’t think teachers really have that kind of time. Her pre-school teachers told me that sometimes she would just stand there staring into space when they talked to her, as if she had no clue as to what they were saying. Her social skills on the playground will also be hard on my daughter, who loves having friends but just doesn’t know how to join in play and who worries about making a mistake, doing something wrong, or being made fun of. I hope a teacher will help to coach her. I also hope that the maturation I’ve seen in her over the summer will help her get through. We will also discuss her needs with the teachers, but I know they have their hands full.
3. I don’t want her exposed to some things. At home we eat a vegetarian diet and the daycare I run is vegetarian, so she doesn’t often see other kids eat meat. In fact, she has only recently learned that some kids do! At home we don’t know who Hannah Montana is or anything about High School Musical. We don’t play with Barbies or Bratz dolls. We don’t play or own video games. My daughter has never seen Cinderella, Snow White or The Little Mermaid, and when I tried to play one of them for her once so she could see what her pre-school girlfriends were so crazy about she wasn’t interested and cried. (This was only a couple months ago). We also don’t care about or follow the latest trends, in fashion, toys or otherwise. That’s not to say she dresses ratty, but kids are perceptive and I don’t want her rejected or made fun of because her snack will come in re-useable containers or because she still likes Barney and Caillou, or because she doesn’t wear things from a tacky child star clothing line. I have read that children who have social challenges should not be made to stand out from the crowd for any extra oddities. If your goal for your child is to make friends, then help them fit in as well as you can. So how do I do that when I hate waste, commercialism and materialism? The vegetarian thing I’m not too concerned about. We are West Coast British Columbians afterall, and she can hold her own on that topic, but the other stuff I worry about. Wouldn’t it be better to shelter her from all that mainstream hoopla?
Many of my friends are homeschooling their kids. Sometimes I feel like an oddball in my circle for following a mainstream route, even though I totally support what they’re doing. But I do feel like I am making the right decision for my daughter. And I know that she will naturally receive some homeschooling/unschooling lessons at home so it will hopefully be the best of both worlds. We’ll just see how the year unfolds and assess how she is doing among her peers on a day by day basis. And like I said earlier, I have no problem taking her out if I have to. My kid’s childhood is precious to me, and I want it to be a good one.
* Update: An eighth reason to send my daughter to public school is because although I am a stay-at-home mom, I work at home providing child care. If I was to homeschool I would want to do it “right,” i.e. join a homeschooling community and drive my child around to the various activities and lessons I would want for her. As I do not have this luxury I would feel like I was providing a sub-standard homeschooling environment. Because of other reasons mentioned above it would not make sense to homeschool her without taking advantage of the out-of-house opportunities.
Related posts:
- How To Prevent Your Child From Growing Up Too Fast
- Random Acts Of Kindness To Defeat The First Day of School Jitters
- Behavioural Problems? Yes, My Breastfed Baby.
- Are Breastfed Children Less Likely To Sleep With Dolls?
- Nursing in Public: A Fresh Perspective on Nurse-In’s
Tags: Attachment Parenting, autism spectrum disorders, homeschooling, public school, unschooling
I absolutely get your dilemma. We live in Los Angeles and the option of sending our kids to schools surrounded by forests and trees is out of the question.
I won’t even go into the long of the deplorable state of our public schools here in L.A. The short of it is, that, in general, we should have more appealing options as parents. The nation’s public schools shouldn’t be a place that parents are afraid to send their children to.
My husband and I want to support public schools–change has to start with someone. But, we also don’t want out child to be a guinea pig for a system that doesn’t seem to care enough to elicit change on it’s own. That’s not fair for his future–he deserves a quality education.
Point in short, parenting is hard enough. Finding a good place to educate your child in America, shouldn’t be.
About the post – I am currently looking into homeschooling myself, and understand where you are coming from. It’s not an easy decision to make, and involves a lot of variables. Either solutions can be viable, as long as it’s what works best for your family, and that you are satisfied with the education your child is getting. The way I see it is that I will probably start K homeschooling, and if we see that it really doesn’t work out, then she can start public school in 1st grade, which shouldn’t be too hard of a transition.
A lot of decisions aren’t all black and white, there’s a lot of shades of greys, it’s something I’ve come to learn… I’m a very blank & white person naturally.
Now, on to the fun part:
I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award!! I don’t know if you’ve received this award before – if you did, then consider yourself twice as lovely.
Here is what I said about your blog on my post:
Insightful posts on breastfeeding, and I especially love that she now has a LC on board to answer reader questions! She always gets me thinking, and is educating lots of women about bfing. Thanks to blog like Melody’s (and some personal experience, too), I like to believe I will have a better bfing relationship with my next LO – there’s so much I had no clue about with DD!
Thanks for being lovely!
i get your dilemma. the important message that i think you get across though, is that the decision around schooling is not a black and white issue, but rather a complex process that involves looking at various competing needs within the individual and family. Since no one person or family dynamic is the same, no decision will be reached in the same way. I too support homeschooling, but also believe that healthy, wholistic, well educated, competent and confident children can also be raised by accessing the public school system. I think what succesful homeschoolers and succesful public school users have in common is heavy involvement and strong attachments with children.
Man, I feel ya! As you know, our older toddler is in the same boat: not certifiable, but definitely challenging in some ways. We have gone back and forth on the homeschooling issue. On the one hand, I could definitely use a break from 24/7 damage control, and my younger daughter could use some mommy time, since our entire house pretty much revolves around the high-needs child. On the other hand, I can’t imagine that she will do well at. all. in a structured setting. But I may not be giving her enough credit, maybe a stronger structure would be easier for her to understand? I’m not sure, but I do know that whoever has her for the better part of a day will be kept on their toes!
@Mama Milieu – I am not too familiar with the US school system, so I feel inept to comment. I know you are not alone though. I have read some fantastic articles in Mothering Magazine about the problems many parents have to face. I hope you are able to find a solution that works well for you.
@Johanne – My friends started out homeschooling for Kindergarden too. One of them is continuing and the other is sending her child to the public school system. It just depends on the individual needs of the child, I think, and the individual needs and values of the family. There are just so many variables to consider. And THANK YOU for the Lovely Blog Award! That just makes my day, not only because of the award itself but because of your thoughtful and kind words.
@Amy – I agree that a lot of success lies in heavy involvement and strong attachments. I am putting a lot of faith in the system based on knowing that I will be heavily involved, and in my daughter’s success based on our strong bond.
@Emily – Thank you for responding to this post. I thought of you when I was writing it, wondering what your take would be based on the similarity of our situations. Have you tried putting our high needs child in pre-school? Just to see how it goes? I had mixed feelings about preschool, and a part of that was my uncertainty with how she would do in a structured environment as well, but it was only 2 1/4 hours a day 2 or 3 days a week with the option of stopping at any time, so we decided to go for it. Then she surprised us by taking to it so well and I really saw the value of it for her. As much as it didn’t “cure” her of her issues, the input from her teachers, her exposure to a large group of children and watching her slowly adapt to this new kind of situation, really helped us to see where she did excel and where we could help her improve.
Melodie, I so struggled with similar issues. Thank you for spelling it all out. I feel grateful to see your thoughts on school written down. I wonder if you have heard of non-violent communication (NVC) based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg. There is also a book called Playful Parenting. I know you might not need more strategies and I just thought they would be the kind of things you would be interested in! Still waiting for a visit up in Courtenay! Dominique, Comox
Bella is still not even 3, so preschool isn’t a consideration yet. However, she goes to 2 hours of nursery every week in church, and they are loosely structured. They have a music time, and a snack time, and are expected to more or less congregate around a table, on mats, etc.
We weren’t sure how she would handle it, especially when she first went in at 18 months, at the peak of her low-communication craziness, but she really loves it. She enjoys the structure of having different activities at set times, and she gets along very well with other children. Mostly she just doesn’t seem to care what they do haha. She doesn’t do very well at sitting still, but then she’s only 2 1/2, and it’s just church nursery, so no one is strict about that sort of thing. All in all though, she seem to love the predictability of the structured setting, and as long as her teachers are sensitive to the fact that she is sensitive, she tends to do very well.
I really think being in nursery has helped her at home, by exposing her to different people, different rules, and more opportunity for sensory input. Processing input seems to be the hardest thing for her, but when she’s “in the zone” she is smart as a whip and super sweet. I think if we find the right school with teachers who have a gentle and patient philosophy, it would certainly be worth it to get her in a structured setting that would give her opportunity to stretch her boundaries a bit while still being allowed room to be sensitive.
I waffled back and forth on this one for a while. I considered homeschooling briefly, as well as private school and a special stream in public school (like French Immersion). At this point, I’ve settled on public school. It might not be perfect, but nothing is. I think there are downsides to every choice.
The big thing that swayed me was living near to our school. We are probably a 5-7 minute walk away. The kids who go to that school live in our neighbourhood. My daughter already knows a lot of them. I like the idea of having a community around the school.
If there are problems, I’ll re-consider. But I plan to at least give it a go. I don’t think you can really know how it’s going to work (or not work) otherwise.
Good luck to you guys! I have a year to go, but I’ll be thinking of you in September.
@Amber – Yes, a big pull is location for us too. And three of our daughter’s preschool friends will be there with her. The other kids she won’t know, but because of the heavy parent involvement at the school, I too am looking forward to the community. It’s funny though because I often equate homeschooling families with having even more commuity amongst themselves – maybe because they are a minority so there’s more support for each other. Homeschooling families often have other values in common too – just like LLL. Members often have more in common than just breastfeeding! So while I look forward to teh community at the school, a part of me still wishes to join the homeschooling community for the comfort in knowing there are other shared values there.
@Emily – More and More it is uncanny hw much our girls have in common. You practically could have written that comment for my daughter!
@Dominique – Thank you for the book recommendations. I am familiar with NVC but not the Playful Parenting book, and while I am familiar with NVC I aven’t thought about for a long time so thanks for reminding me. The other book sounds perfect too. I’ll be sure to see if our local library has it in stock!
Thank you for sharing this post with me on Twitter. As you know I’m a grown unschooler/homeschooler myself who has gone to private school (Waldorf/Steiner school), a public school in a nice Boston suburb, and then unschooling/homeschooling. I definitely recommend unschooling! I wrote a whole blog post in response to the 7 reasons in this post actually, plus one reason I have for unschooling:
http://eligerzon.wordpress.com.....-unschool/
Mainly I think, without know your daughter, that many of the things people think she needs help and discipline with may not be a problem at all. And a lot of your reasons for wanting to send her to school could actually be solved, sometimes with a little creativity, as well or better with the freedom and resources of unschooling.
Anyway, thanks again for honestly sharing your thoughts and concerns and best of luck!
-Eli
[...] Jump to Comments A mother on Twitter just referred me to a blog post she wrote entitled, Seven Reasons I’m Sending My Child to School and Three Big Reasons I Wish I Wasn’t. She said I helped inspire her to write the post and I’ve actually been inspired to write a [...]
Excellent post. I would like to comment on almost about everything but I will limit myself to the peer pressure thing. Is incredible that even at pre-school our kids are exposed to this. My son is starting to act on this and I definitely don’t like it. I don’t see the point of little girls being so raved about the hanna montana, bratz or highschool musical. Is too much for their age range and still parents allow it. Robert is 5 almost 6 and he still loves mickey mouse club house, caillou, thomas the train etc. and I am glad he is. Is usually us parents that hurry them into their development and end up paying the consequences. When Robert talks about NOT HAVING something I always remind him to think on what he has and not on what he does not have. One day he blamed his dad and I for working so much just to buy stuff for ourselves (which is totally a lie; we don’t even buy ourselves underwear unless they have holes in them) and we got so mad that he said that that we removed ALL his toys and toy related stuff from his room. All he had was his clothes, his bed with plain linnens (not his batman bed sheet) and we keep him like this for two weeks. This showed him to realize that he had more than enough stuff and we provided him everything. That he should feel lucky to have things other kids don’t. After those two weeks we went all over his toys and removed those he didn’t played with anymore and donated them to the “kids that don’t have anything”. This was a turning point for him and even when we felt hurt for a while, he learned his lesson and we are happy because of it. School kids say all these odd things and our kids just repeat them without knowing what they are saying. Is our job as parents to put a STOP and not to go with the BAD CURRENT.
@Melodie – You’re welcomed! Glad you liked it
@lvlc – I completely agree with you that those aforementioned toys are too much for our young children’s age range. I’m actually working on a blog post about it this week. I worry a lot about my daughter’s exposure to other kids being allowed to own toys like that, and as is usually the case, the kids with the most popular toys get to be the most popular. You know what I am counting on to help my daughter be at least a little bit popular? This sounds horrible, but it’s her nature-given good looks. She is a beautiful blonde curly-haired girl with soft features and a beautiful smile. We don’t emphasize her prettiness at home any more than we do her intelligence or other personality traits, but as is the researched truth, attractive people attract good things for themselves. With so many other things stacked against her, it doesn’t hurt that she’s pretty.
I really like this post. We haven’t considered homeschooling but I have thought about many of the pros and cons you mentioned in picking the school our kids will attend. Despite a french immersion school only a few blocks away we are leaning towards an alternative school that is a 15 minute walk away. I like the more student led approach to learning and hope it will be a positive, supportive environment.
I’m so happy that I randomly hopped over here from PhDinparenting’s blog. I really enjoyed reading your post. I’ve been on the fence about this option for quite a while. You’ve brought up some excellent points, some of which I’ve talked about with my husband just these past few days. Our monsters – I mean our kids – recently turned 3 and 1, and I’m planning on unschooling/homeschooling my son. (I’m also still researching the differences between the two.) As much as I’d like to school him at home, as a kid I was in the public school system and remember that time as the best part of my childhood. Those sweet memories tug at me it seems just when I’ve made up my mind to homeschool. I want him to have freedom, confidence and the opportunity to self-regulate, as well as of course fun and nurturing experiences outside of his home-life. Then I’m reminded of the sub-standard education system, and also remember how easily overlooked a child is in public schools, and I would never want that to be my child. Although I do plan to be as involved as possible if he does attend public school, it’s just not the same as actually being there. What a tough decision. I nursed my baby boy til he self-weaned at 23 mos. I nurse his lil sister too. I’m a baby-wearer. We co-sleep. We practice attachment-parenting. Isn’t homeschooling just the next step in our path? I guess that’s my dilemma. Do I even need to determine that we are on any type of path? My childhood in comparison to my kids’ is like black and white. Will their schooling be the grey area? I have faith, and know in my heart that it will be alright, and that any decision that we make for our children will be based upon that faith. So at the end of the day, that’s really all that matters. That and maybe this Mama will get some much needed sleep tonite.
Thanks so much for your thought-provoking post.
Hi,
I’m sending the kid to public school for some of the same reasons Amber mentioned. We have a small school 5 mins walk from our house. It also happens to be a fine arts school, with a dance studio, art studio, drama and music (and fancy instruments), all of which are used to teach the BC curriculum.
Blah blah. More importantly I’ve met the principal and I really like her. 13 year old boys have been known to break into the cha chat in the playground…love that. They have a buddy system where the big kids mentor the littlies. It’s very diverse school too. I want kid exposed to different kids and ways of thinking and to develop her street smarts.
I’d never say never to homeschooling but I want to give public a chance first, especially when its right THERE.
Remember that no one will ensure your child’s well being better than you. No one can possibly have the same drive as you for your child.
My mother is an educator, and over the years she has made her way up the ranks into superintendent. She liked the aspect of government paycheck, rare possibility of lay-offs and summers off, she has never necessarily liked children.
She subjected my brother and I to vaccinations, which caused seizures in me shortly after last admin of last boosters right before school. My brother had developmental delays as well. She never considered the possibility of home schooling, even though it was an excellent option, I think she would have been inconvenienced.
It was perfectly acceptable to have the school admin give out my medication, which caused a series of other complications, as well shut down my ability to learn for the next 5 years. Fast forward 1995 – I did 6 years of high school, without dropping out, and finally they said to me “you will be 21 soon there is nothing we can do for you”.
I applied and I was accepted into C-School and graduated in 4 months. I caught up 2.5 years of work in 4 months because I worked at my own pace and I was not in school for 10 hours a day (give or take). I graduated 2 months before I turned 21.
Don’t think for one minute because someone told you to structure your child this will keep them on the path to good grades.
It may possibly just overload them and your child may end up with a label and on medications which further complicate the issues. With brain dysfunction as a side effect for being misinformed and undereducated as a direct result of public education.
I feel my life would have been very different if my parents had been more politically aware, and more educated in a worldly fashion rather than by a set standard. Also, if having children had not of been so inconvenient, I feel there would have been more one on one interaction.
Don’t think for one minute that because the school is good by locality that it is ok. That is a good way of rationalizing the decision. As well, because it has so much equipment it is ok. These evaluations are based solely on surface level notations.
Over the years, even before children I was curious as the underground information and background of our schools.
Our current education system is not set up for any child to succeed as an individual. The teachers who teach it, are just the interpreters of the curriculum that is re-written according to the USDE’s pleasure regularly. The school in Beverly Hills gets the same curriculum that south LA gets. No one is special.
I understand every situation is it’s own, Please remember that your decisions shape your child’s function ability in the future, be informed.
[...] 1, 2009 by sarahtar I’ll leave my opinions about this author’s reasons for sending her kid to public school out of this. I will say that I thought it reminded me [...]
Please don’t send her to public school! This will not be a good thing for her. Or any child really… Perhaps homeschooling is not the thing for your family at the moment. However i would strongly recommend that you look into a private school or a charter school. Because really public school teachers do not pay all that much individual attention to their students. And congrats on not letting your child see Hannah Montanna or High School Musical or any other thing of the sort. You are a smart mother and I hope that you find a situation that works for you.
@Stella – Thanks for your comment. I think you are right. Homeschooling is not the thing for us right now, but perhaps in the future. As for a private school – unaffordable. What I really want to do is check out just how bad the public school system is said to be. I do think it is better in Canada than the US, and I have heard great things about the school she’ll be attending. It sounds like the teachers really do care and give the kids as much as attention as they are able. But until we see for ourselves, everything, absoutely everything, your opinions, my opinions, other people’s opinions, is heresay. I am a smart mom. I will make the best decision in the end.
[...] the party left me feeling really concerned about my daughter’s upcoming Kindergarten at public school. Hannah Montana, High School Musical and Bratz doll merchandise are not things I want my daughter [...]
I understand your dilemma! I don’t think you should feel guilty about sending your child to public school when your friends are homeschooling. Every parent has to make the choice that is right for their child, and homeschooling is not for everyone. And I say that as a product of homeschooling from the first grade until I went to college and a mommy of two (soon to be three) that I plan on homeschooling.
[...] – Vancouver Island mom Melodie gives us some really great insight into why she’s sending her kids to public school, even with some very serious reservations HERE. [...]