My daughter got invited to a birthday party for a girl she attended pre-school with. This was one of those dreaded “I-don’t-know-the-parents-or-child-so-I’m-not-sure-what-to-get-them” kind of parties. My daughter and I went to the toy store together where she quickly chose a Disney princess toy for her friend. My daugter herself doesn’t know much about or play with Disney princess toys, but she remembered how much her friend liked them in pre-school, and even though I’m not one to support commercialized toys, I thought it was sweet of my daughter to be so thoughtful, so we got it for her.
At the party, it was quickly apparent to me (but not my daughter thank goodness) that Disney princesses were so last month. How did I figure that out? Could it be the singing Hannah Montana balloon or the Hannah Montana matching partyware? Hm. And then when present time arrived, practically every one was Hannah Montana (or High School Musical!) something. Backpack, CD, clothes, a game, and the best one of all: tickets to a Hannah Montana concert from her parents. I thought this girl was turning five, I thought to myself. She was elated of course. I missed her reaction to my daughter’s gift. Thankfully, my daughter was just happy to have given it to her.
But the party left me feeling really concerned about my daughter’s upcoming Kindergarten at public school. Hannah Montana, High School Musical and Bratz doll merchandise are not things I want my daughter interested in or playing with. These television shows were designed for tweens and teens, not kindergarteners! And I don’t understand the parents who support their children’s interest in these types of toys. Are they that fixated on their children’s popularity that they are willing to forego the innocence of their children’s childhood?
Childhood is short. I think it is a parent’s job to keep their child innocent of some things and to be able to say “no” when their child shows interest in something too old for his or her development. It’s our responsibility as grown ups to monitor the kinds of television shows they watch, the computer games they play, and the kinds of toys and clothes that they want us to buy. And it’s our responsibility to encourage our children’s sense of wonder, imagination, and free play.
Common Sense Media explains that this phenonmenon of very young children playing with toys intended for older children is called “age creep,” the disconnect between all of the various target ranges of what’s being marketed to your kids. Girls and boys alike are asking for and being given play materials that are too advanced, too mature, too violent, too sexy. In short, not age appropriate. Often these items are a result of a popular new movie (like Transformers) and/or television hype (like Hannah Montana).
What can you do to avoid age creep?
- Don’t buy commercial toys, which are often the worst culprits.
- Request that no one else buy commercial toys for your child.
- Talk to your child about your values and the toys she or he can play with.
- Monitor the television, movies and computer games your child is exposed to. Follow the ratings.
- Make time to play with your child every day. When you engage in age appropriate play with them, they will associate it with good feelings and special times.
- Read Hold Onto Your Kids By Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. Learn why parents need to matter more than peers.
- If your child’s birthday is coming up, do something different:
- Ask for donations to a child-chosen charity. Half of the money goes to the charity and the other half goes to your child who gets to choose a special gift. Or you could have a ”Twoonie” or “Fiver” party where each child brings two twoonies (Canada) or two five dollar bills. One goes to the child and the other one goes to the charity. This way everyone brings the same dollar amount which can prevent feelings of awkwardness.
- To learn ways to avoid the commercial partyware and decorations, this post at Our Big Earth is brimming with green ideas, many of which I plan to use at my own daughter’s upcoming fifth birthday party.
What are your suggestions to help prevent your child from growing up too fast?
Related posts:
- Seven Reasons I’m Sending My Child To Public School And The Three Big Reasons I Wish I Wasn’t
- An Interview With My Sponsor :: Child Organics
- Madonna and Child-Like Paintings Are Obscene Too?
- The Evolution of My Modesty (or Growing Up With My Clothes On)
Tags: age creep, commercialism, green birthday party, growing up too fast, kindergarten, preschool
I’m in total agreement with keeping the toys we purchase our kids “age appropriate”. Wasn’t impressed by relatives giving dd a box of Barbie things at the age of four…not appropriate in my eyes because of the obvious (her build is quite mature!). I stick to constructive gifts like crafts or coloring even puzzles!
Awesome post!
My daughter is, sadly, familiar with Hannah Montana. We don’t watch her show (no TV) or listen to her music, but she lives in the world and goes to preschool. Plus my daughter’s name is Hannah, so she recognizes it when she sees it, and feels a special affinity for Hannah Montana.
I don’t buy my kids commercially produced toys. I don’t buy them licensed clothing. I try to keep a lid on what they see. But beyond that, there’s only so much you can do and I try not to freak out too badly if my daughter likes something that makes me cringe. I wouldn’t throw my kid a ‘Hannah Montana’ party, but if she really wanted to hear a song I would be OK with it. I would hate to make the whole commercial machine that much cooler by forbidding all contact with it, you know?
I’m so glad you are aware of keeping your chld young for as long as possible. I wish more parents coudl convince their kids right from the start that appearing and being “fashionable” is no substitute for being an all-round nice person! As a former researcher in eating disorders I’m convinced problems like that are started in infancy with parents not encouraging kids to be themselves and proud of it. Ultimately, parents are the main source of children’s ideas of who they are and when parents let kids adopt inappropriate role models like dolls, singers and cartoon characters they’re confirming that the child is “NOT OK” how they are and that it is preferable to conform to an outsider’s image. Congratulations on believing your family’s values are better than what’s fashionable- I hope you persuade some of your little girl’s friends parents!
I can certainly understand the worry behind wanting to keep our kids from growing up to fast. But I worry what becomes of a parent-child relationship when the child’s interests are not supported in a healthy way. If I were to tell my child what he could or could not like or play with, I can only imagine the damage it would cause our relationship.
The truth of the matter is children tend to gravitate toward age appropriate things. If they don’t the reasons should be investigated. But removing the offending items or telling your child it’s off-limits doesn’t seem to me like it would change the *feelings* the child has. It could however build feelings of resentment which will hurt the trust our children have for us in the long run.
My child has, at one time or another, been exposed to things very mature for him. Sometimes he developed a fascination with them. Most of the time, because he is encouraged to talk about how things make him feel or what attracts his attention and how, he can quickly come to realize when something is “too much”. On the rare occasion when I felt uncomfortble with his ability to judge or felt something was “too mature”, had I demanded they been given up I would have made the item *more* desirable. I would have made it something mysterious and fed his curiousity.
Instead we talked about the things he was interested in. I asked questions and got involved. When appropriate I shared my thoughts but never in a way that condemned his opinions or interests. And always, always his interest waned. He always saw for himself that the thing that looked so shiny or intriguing was really just another “thing” or that he really didn’t care so much about it.
On another note, I would suggest watching Hannah Montana. I’ve watched it and am highly impressed with it. It depicts healthy family relationships. It shows a girl with respect for herself and others. She makes good choices, she doesn’t dress provocatively, she’s kind and generous. Compared to many role models out there, I would be happy to have a little girl who looked up to her. Yes, she’s “commercial” but we live in a commercial world and if we don’t allow our children to form their own values based on these things, they’ll do it when they’re older and without any desire for our input. I for one can attest to a child who has been allowed to make his own choices, ones I wouldn’t have made for him, who’s gone through the gamut of wanting any and every new thing and now at 10 years old has the experience to make wise consumer decisions. He willingly chooses not to play games with extreme violence. He understand commercialism and quality vs quantity. And he knows these things because I’ve allowed him to make choices and learn firsthand and have always been there with him to discuss and support and play with.
Sorry for writing a book.
~Tara
I totally agree! My parents actually raised me this way, so i’m pretty comfortable parenting this way. I wasn’t allowed to play with Barbies or watch any tv/movies above the rating. I’m woefully bad at Trivial Pursuit as a result, but I wouldn’t trade my childhood! I played outdoors tons! I LOVE the twoonie party idea. I’ve tried the ‘no gifts, thanks’ party and people just buy gifts anyways. Same with the ‘homemade gifts only, please’ party.
Another good way is to homeschool. I don’t, but I know plenty of people who do and I really respect it.
As my own small protest against commercialism, we have a ‘books as gifts’ policy. I feel good spending some money on some good books for kids, and what kid doesn’t like to be read a story? Or to read it themselves, if they are older. And that way my kids still do the expected gifting but we don’t fully buy into the TOYSTOYSTOYSMOREPLASTICTOYS phenomenon.
I think a really great way to avoid age creep is to encourage kids to play outside with their siblings. Neighbours and friends are great, but I have to say outdoor play with siblings or children of like minded families is the best. It’s hard for people to market to your kids when they are playing in the forest!
I’ll have to check out “Hold onto your kids” for sure. Have you read “Last Child in the Woods; Saving our children from nature deficit disorder”? Also very good.
In general, we have a ‘don’t buy’ policy, but we don’t restrict others from buying for our kids. If an item is too genderized or commercial for our liking, it either doesn’t get assembled, or it ‘goes missing’ after the first honeymoon stage is over. That only works up to a certain age, though. My six year old is catching on!
Probably as you say, the best thing to do to combat commercialism and age creep is to be a connected, solidly attached, loving family. Some lust after commercial stuff is bound to happen, and some age creep may be unavoidable, but if at the end of the day your family is your biggest priority, the kids will feel safest there and trust you the most. (and by you I mean ‘we!’). And thus, be content to stay outside the Hannah Montana circle. She makes me barf. (I have all boys so she almost seems like some weird alien THING….we’re all about trying to combat spiderman and batman at our house!
Great post! Thanks a million!
Interesting topic. My almost 9 year old has Bratz and Hannah Montana (horrors!) but they are just toys to play with her friends. She would prefer to ride her bike or draw on the driveway with chalk. I think our home is focused on our kids. We play with them, they play with the neighbourhood kids, seems to be working. I find both my daughters very age appropriate, not because of the toys they have or do no have, but because we are with them. They watch a TV show or movie. So do I. We talk about it. I am cautious about the content and try to get information before we watch.
I will admit I was totally mad at the person who gave DD her 1st Bratz doll… But we survived. It’s more about what YOU do with your kids than the toys.
It takes all kinds to make a world. My first children had more restrictions put on what they could watch on TV and what they could buy. Once they start school though they are exposed to so much more. I think it better to explain to them what you like and don’t like. They will take yer cue on these usually. Unless they think you are wrong, ha. My youngest of course has been exposed to things I would have never let my oldest experience. This is very tough to police when they are all playing together up stairs. I do not believe TV or commercialized toys in any way hamper their imaginations or creativity. Some children are just more creative than others. Most any toy that they are interested in will give them the experience of imagining or creating. TV is based on formula plots that have been part of every drama and comedy since Shakespeare. My youngest filters Sponge Bob into hilarious routines that are full of spark and imagination, believe it or not. To raise a child on nothing but wooden toys and Franklin is no better really than Transformers or Power Rangers. And my daughter began painting still life’s of her Barbies and stuffed animals at a young age. Children come into the world pretty much as they are going to be. We just need to love them and teach them what we know. Restricting toys or TV is not going to change much about them, except maybe form a false desire for what they cannot have. But we all do the best we can I know. I am not a perfect parent, but my children are the most beautiful people I have ever known. Even if they became people I didn’t like I would still love them. Frankly I can see nothing bad coming from exposure to commercialism or big media anymore than the President speaking to them in their class rooms.
Wow, alienate your friends and your child at the same time! Let’s do our best to make our kids unhappy and unpopular!
I agree with Tara (The Organic Sister). My son will be just fine with or without commercial toys. I’d rather be truthful with him instead of keeping him in the dark.
I think the subject of this blog post is a bigger issue for me because of my daughter’s, shall we say, challenges.
@Kevin Russell – You say “I do not believe TV or commercialized toys in any way hamper their imaginations or creativity.” Your children may very well not be negatively affected or have their creativity affected by these things, but my daughter, who has great difficulty playing make believe to start with, *is* affected by these things. There is a fine line in our household between memorizing how to play make believe by copying a cartoon character’s antics and making it up herself. She’s been assessed for Autism Spectrum Disorder, and exposing kids on the spectrum to lots of tv/video games isn’t hepful for encouraging their own ideas.
Perhaps I should have tried harder to focus my opinions on commercialized toys based on my own daughter’s sensitivities.
@Sean The Dad and @Organic Sister – I think that talking to your child about your persoanl values around toys is important too. It’s not like I would rip a Bratz doll out of her hands and stuff it in the garbage, screaming “No Bratz dolls in this house!” In reality, I would suck it up and see what she did with it. SInce she doesn’t like dolls, it would likely be nothing. If she got a Bratz doll puzzle, which she WOULD play with, I would likely do it with her and comment on how funny it is that the dolls eyes and mouths are so big, and have a conversation with her, eliciting her thoughts on it as well.
I think I’m most in line with @Laura M. If my daughter gets one of these “forbidden” toys at some point I don’t think she would play with them as much as she does already play outside. And knowing my dd’s personality she would likely choose paper and crayons over action figures and dolls anyday. And if she chose to draw still lifes of Barbie Dolls like @Kevin Russell’s daughter, that would be kind of neat. I could handle that.
I like @Melissa’s “book as gifts” policy/idea too. I already mostly only buy books for other people’s kids, or some kind of educational toy.
And I don’t think I’m alienating anyone with having a new way of gifting kind of birthday party. When done right and with respect, most people get it. I am lucky to have a group of friends who do this kind of thing all the time anyway, so we are in good company together, thankfully. Yes, it will likely be harder when inviting new kids from her new school to b-day parties, but I think we’ll manage. Doing something with kindness and from the heart shouldn’t alienate anyone!
To help my child from growing up too fast, I expose him to nature as much as possible and we don’t let him watch tv. He’s only 2. I am trying to recreate my childhood in the 70′s as much as possible. We live in Marin, with no movie billboards and very limited advertisements. We chose to live here for many reasons, that being one of them. We moved from Los Angeles which is FULL of ads for everything! Associating with like-minded parents and kids helps too.
Very nice and controversial post. Ds is still young enough that this hasn’t come up much. We are approaching a birthday though and would really like to see very few gifts, but I can not figure out how to get this across to family. The only things he truly enjoys are books and running around outside, but they don’t believe us when we tell them he doesn’t play with standard toys. Give him a big spoon and pitcher and he’ll play at the sink for hours. Give him a boat that goes on its own and he’s done in seconds. Any suggestions to make others understand?
I haven’t quite decided how I feel about all this, but Isaac’s only 19 months.
We do NOT watch TV at home, which means when he IS somewhere with a TV on he’s facsinated (a bonus in a waiting room, a minus when his older cousins are watching something icky)
Another GREAT book along these general lines is “Bringing Up Geeks: How to Protect Your Kid’s Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World” by Marybeth Hicks
Great article! It has certainly brought-up a few different points of view! Our 7-year old got fascinated with the local $2-shop when he was 5 years old, full of cheap, plastic toys with horrible carbon footprints. A dilemma for us — we didn’t want to make these toys mysterious and cool by denying our son the chance of experiencing them, but we equally didn’t want him to get hooked on them. So we let him know it “wasn’t our thing” and explained why, but allowed him to buy one and shared the opening and examination process. Lucky (for us!) it broke within a couple of days so as a family we coined the term ‘junky’. We’ve found as he’s got older, he has extended this and made the ‘junky’ call on many commercial toys and inappropriate computer games he sees around the place. Likewise, we have learnt to consider his opinion when he says “this one’s not junky” and explains why.
Thanks, Melodie for making us all think about what we do! I love the idea of birthday present donations – I’m personally not very forthcoming about advising parents what to buy my child so giving this as an alternative option (as a request from my son) would be great. Husband and I could put in place some sort of matching process for our son. Nice way for the family to cause a yearly donation! Thanks for the idea.
It’s crazy to me that people disagree with you here! I can see the argument that you don’t want to make things more enticing by making them mysteriously unreachable, but I really think that you are not leaving it up to your child to choose if you take the hands off approach–you are leaving it up to some really sophisticated marketing to decided what your child likes, dislikes, or plays with! If we don’t put boundaries around what they are exposed to and what they play with, I would argue that we are leaving our kids open to assimilating the values that are sold along with the toys, which values are often not ones I’m excited about.
But I guess teaching kids critical thinking skills pretty early and leaving the lines of communication open are fundamental in BOTH philosophies, and will help kids navigate the world of consumer stuff and the plethora of inappropriate or unhealthy values in the world!
When I was a kid my parents were quite strict about commercial toys, and while it DID make them seem pretty enticing to me, I was able to think critically in my evaluations of commercialism and the toys pretty early on, and to value hand crafted toys and my own opinion and my own individualism at an early age. Not that my experience would necessarily carry over to every kid, nor am I quite as restricting with my sons’ toys. I have to say also that your child’s personality comes into play: I’m quite sure my oldest son would have responded well to TheOrganicSister’s method of no restrictions but lots of discussion surrounding values and critical thinking and responsible choice making. But I’m also quite sure my middle son would not respond well to that style of parenting. So maybe rather than a didactic style of parenting we should embrace an attachment based focus on following your child’s tendencies and personality and responding based upon your individual child’s needs.
Thanks for bringing this topic up–it sure has made me rethink it!!
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