As a child, I loved my stuffed animals and dolls. I mean I *loved* them! My brother too. We treated them as though they were real. I never threw them on the floor (because they might get hurt) and I never put them on my bed face down (because they might suffocate). I tried to play with each of them equally (so no one’s feeling got hurt) and I still remember the day I noticed my somewhat left out yellow dog went missing and my mom admitted she’d donated it to my fun fair at school. My poor neglected, lonely and scared yellow dog! I spent the whole fun fair trying to find him and never did. Oh the guilt and anguish that resulted for that five year old girl!
Even as a teenager I loved my stuffies. I collected teddy bear Gunds for awhile and still have the panda bear my first love shoplifted for me when I was 15. Whenever I felt lonely or sad I always had a teddy to keep me company. When I moved out of the house on my own, a couple favorites came with me, eventually replaced by boyfriends, but never forgotten or too far away.
A few years ago my step-dad found a bag full of my old stuffies from my childhood. I had to make the painful decision to throw most of them away, keeping just a couple very special ones to pass on to my daughters and even Ruffles, an old worn, ear-ripped, tongue-missing, sawdust-spilling, St.Bernard I just couldn’t bear the thought of decomposing at the garbage dump.
Have I mentioned I wasn’t breastfed? Or that my mother let me cry-it-out? Or that my parents divorced after first grade? I like to think a possible attachment disorder explains things.
Fast forward to my first child’s birth. People like to buy stuffed animals for kids, and I was pretty eager to re-live my stuffy love through my daughter. But she co-slept so really never had the need for a stuffed animal to keep her company. I’m a stay-at-home mom, so again, she wasn’t left anywhere on a regular basis to need an animal friend. But still, I tried to play with them with her, but she just wasn’t interested. And now, I don’t push it, but every couple months or so I ask her “Would you like to sleep with one of your stuffed animals?” I open the cupboard to show her the litter of them, patiently sitting on the top shelf of her closet, quietly collecting dust, waiting for her to play with them. Last night, I thought we had made some progress.
“I want to see them Mommy,” she told me. “I want a bear,” she decides.
So I show her the bears. She chooses to ugliest one. It isn’t soft or cozy at all. It’s legs and arms have bendable wires in them, and its fur is kind of scratchy, but it’s a start. I say goodnight and then two minutes later I hear her throw it on the floor and scream. I go inside to find her crying.
“I hate teddy bears!” she yells at me. “I don’t want to sleep with one ever, ever again!”
Okay, okay. Geez.
I turn to her sister who doesn’t like stuffed animals but will play with dolls sometimes. For awhile she liked to sleep with one as she crawled into bed to sleep beside me, but recently she’ll have nothing to do with them anymore.
But really, why should either of them need one? They’ve always had me to snuggle up to, to respond to their cries, to hold them when it’s dark and they’re scared. Dolls and bears are for pretend but the needs of a child for comfort is real.
I think my brother and I projected our need for closeness from our parents onto our dolls, and as such they became an important part of our emotional upbringing. I mean, how many adults watch A Toy Story and feel like they can empathize with the talking toys?
I know all children are different and there are no doubt thousands of breastfed children who adore stuffed animals just as much as I did. But could there be a correlation between breastfeeding and a child’s affection for stuffed animals and/or dolls?
I’d like your opinion.
As for me, I think I’m going to go give those dust-collecting stuffies a bath and maybe take them downstairs for the daycare kids to play with. I mean, I think they’re getting lonely.
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My daughter and I coslept. She developed an attachment to a DW doll when she was bedwetting, and she didn’t want to pee om DW, so that worked well, but really, I was always surprised at how independent she was, whereas I was totally attached to my baby blanket til my jerkwad boyfriend pitched it on a campfire when I was 16. Still pissed about that. I was raised FF/CIO, ftr.
Interesting thought, Mel! I was similarly not breastfed, and my parents divorced a few times before I was 10. I don’t know if they did CIO but I wouldn’t be surprised, given a few other things I’ve forgotten and learned about my mom.
I was similarly attached to my stuffed animals, a big blue-grey mouse in particular. I treated them the way you did yours, but took it a step further: I felt bad about leaving them alone! I didn’t actually carry them around with me, but I felt sad coming home to them. I can’t remember precisely when, but sometime after I started my undergrad, I decided they weren’t bringing me any joy, so I donated every single one of them.
I started to ask people not to give me stuffed animals, and justified it by saying I don’t like them, when really I do like them, but they make me sad.
Now my parents and others have been giving my baby stuffed animals. I feel sad looking at them too! But like you, I’m saving them for her to make her mind up about when she’s older. They’ll be with her other toys I guess… I’ll keep you posted!
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I think there may be a trend here. My toys were always my best friends (and still are), though I was breastfed. I was alone in a crib, though, in an entirely different room from the beginning. I think I was breastfed for almost a year, but it was supplemented at three weeks with rice cereal and things.
My son (who, at 19 months, is feeding right now while I type, resulting in a less-than-coherent response) does not have a lovey or any real favorite toy. He cosleeps so he has us to cuddle, and he hugs his toys because we say Awwww and not from any real affection that I can tell.
And he’s playing with the keyboard now so I’ll have to finish my agreement later.
that is an interesting idea. I don’t remember every being super attached to any stuffed animals myself, but after I read your post, I read my blog posts from last February. See, my son has a lovey, his stuffed puppy, he loves that thing. He got attached to it in February this year and they’ve been best buds ever since. I also nursed him until the end of February. According to my blog, he started toting around Puppy about 5 days before our last nursing session. I just thought it was interesting. He was 18 1/2 months old at that time.
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You know, I’ve thought the same thing. In my extended family (who mostly wean at 4 months, crib sleep etc, harsh time-out discipline) the kids are attached to blankets and stuffed animals. I remember babysitting and the mom saying, “Just make sure they have Ellie the elephant and put them in the crib.”
My first never used a lovey and when I had my second I actually tried to get my him attached to a lovey thinking it would help solidify bedtime routines. I had to go online and ask around on MOthering how loveys worked. I got this cute, snuggly organic cotton doll and nestled it between us while we nursed and included it in the bedtime routine. I never tried to replace me, just adding a friend, but he never quite took to it and now if I try to give either of them a friend the poor stuffed guy usually gets booted across the room.
I never knew if it was just my kids or if our lifestyle had something to do with it.
my son is only turning 9 months this month, but we are still cosleeping. However, since he can crawl, sometimes i put him in his crib once he is asleep so he won’t hurt himself. He has one stuffed animal in there, and he likes it if i hand it to him and let him play with it while i change him, but he doesn’t actively seek it out. That being said, during the few weeks I caved into pressure from well-meaning but uneducated people and tried to let him CIO while in his crib, i’m come into find his little lamb soaked with tears. That broke my heart.
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Its not funny, but this post made me crack-up. I still have my Cookie Monster in the closet wrapped in a comfy blankie laying on a pillow. I got him for Christmas when I was 4 and slept with him almost until I met dh. Dh says he looks like a real scary monster now because he’s had decades of lots of love. Our son (24 mos) pays absolutely no attention to any doll or stuffed animal other than to move it out of the way. I do think that co-sleeping and to some extent breastfeeding make a huge difference. The child is getting the love and attention they need. I too was raised ff, cio, and divorced parents. At one point I had a closet full (floor to ceiling) of friends, but was only allowed to sleep with one. It was always cookie. Its nice that ds isn’t attached to a doll because then we don’t have to keep track of anything. My niece had a doll and my sil ended up having to buy several because they kept wearing out. One hassle I don’t need.
I was very attached to my cloth diaper (“Diaper”) and thermal blanket (“Cover”) for forever! I had the blanket well into high school. I never slept without them, and I would hide them in my pillowcase for sleepovers and such. I was FF and slept in a crib (don’t know about CIO, but probably).
My 5-month-old daughter (BF and co-sleeping) wants nothing to do with the “lovey” I’ve tried to set her up with for when she naps alone. Hmmm…. Too soon to tell?
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@Slee – Your blanket and my yellow dog are probably in lovey heaven together somewhere.
@CaroLyn – Aww! My daughter has this book about a monkey that its boy wants to go to school for him. He talks to the monkey and tells him how much fun he has at school and asks the monkey what he does all day when he’s gone. The monkey looks down at the bed where its sitting and the boy says “Oh!” Those loveys do get sad being all alone. That’s why I tried to alwasy play equally with mine.
@Kelly – That *is* interesting!
@hillary – I tried the same thing with dd #2. She never took to it either. Didn’t hate it, but didn’t care one way or the other. But now? Now she hates it when I try to do that. She’s 2 1/2 now and I think we practised that just before she turned two. Very interesting.
@Lynessence – Aww!
@Shelly – No, no, this post is funny. Funny but serious, but more funny and thought-provoking than anything. At least that was my intention. I cracked myself up writing it and I’m cracking myself up still. I imagine everyone thinks I still have all my stuffies lined up on my bed, but this is far from the truth. I had to take them out of storage (some in boxes, some in my daughter’s room on the shlef in her closet) for the picture I included. Those are all my old favoritesup there though. See the shop lifted panda?
@Jessie – My brother was very attached to a blanket our Grandma made for him when he was very little. It is red with elephants on it and I think it is smaller than a crib blanket. He still has it on his bed as far as I know. I remember his last girlfriend telling me how my brother wouldn’t hear of her removing it from their bed. He’s 30!
I was BF, but I slept in a crib, went to daycare from the time I was 2 months old and had a less than involved father. I have a stuffed bunny (creatively named Bunny) that still is in my room. He’s not sitting on the bed, but I know where he is. Yes, I am a 25 year old mother with her own lovey.
My son was BF. We co-slept until he was about 5 months old. My husband is in the Navy and has to leave a lot. He’s become attached to a stuffed Curious George over the last few months. He stays in his bed, but gets kisses at night and snuggles. I tried to give him a lovey earlier, but he really had no interest.
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Hmm, I’m going against the trend here. I was breastfeed until I quit by myself sometime between 2 and 3 years, slept with my parents, etc. I LOVED my stuffed animals and was convinced they had feelings just like you described in your post. My one teddy bear went everywhere with me for years and years.
I kind of figured that when children are shown love, they can show love in their play. Do you think that maybe the love your parents gave you, though they didn’t parent the way you do, was reflected in your love for your animals? Just a thought.
I breastfed my 2 daughters for ~9mos and neither are into stuffed animals or show any other attachment towards any object. I was breastfed, did not want for love, and never got attached to stuffed animals, blankets, etc.
This reminds me of a post I just wrote about separation anxiety and whether or not newborns remain with their mother after delivery or go to a nursery. My 1st daughter stayed by my side nonstop for her first 24 hours (and probably much longer), while my 2nd daughter was swept away to the nursery for 4 or 5 hours – making her first experience that of abandonment…
Guess which one has separation anxiety.
@Sarah – I am so glad you are going against the grain here. I was waiting for someone to say something. I was thinking when I wrote this that you could analyze this from the opposite point of view, but it was more fun to leave the post as it was. But yes, kids like me, who loved their stuffies who were not breastfed nor co-slept could be said to be displaying their love for their parents through their attachment to their dolls. I wrote was is most apparent for me though.
And you could especially say this about kids who are breastfed and co-sleep and have a strong attachment to their dolls.
Hmm, definitely an interesting idea. I was FF, but never really CIO, and never cared much about my stuffed animals or dolls. I liked them well enough, but wasn’t super attached.
I tried really hard to get both my boys to attach to a lovey. Both slept in a crib, but were in our room for a while. Both were BF. Both never took to a lovey of any kind.
Baby girl took to a bear. That is her baby. She loves all stuffed animals and dolls, but has one she wants all the time and to sleep with. Everything we did with her was the same as the boys, but she definitely treats her animals and babies much differently.
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I have a blanket that is now 28 years old. I still sleep with it with Naima!
but Naima doesn’t like it and drags it across the floor all the time! she has a couple of stuffed toys which she plays with when awake but when it’s time for bed, she puts her toys in “their bed” (which is actually Naima’s crib) and wants only “MIK, MIK” and mommy.
i never had a stuffed toy either — just that blanket
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My 4-year-old breastfed, but also attended daycare. She has, at various times, had special stuffed friends. None has risen to the top in particular, and she doesn’t cling to them in the way that I know some kids do. I had a special teddy, for instance, that I lived and breathed by, although I was also breastfed.
I do credit my daughter’s lack of serious stuffy love with a close attachment with her parents. Although I do believe there is also a personality element, and that a child who does have a special ‘friend’ or ‘friends’ is not necessarily lacking attachment.
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I was breastfed (until I was about 6 months) and had a stay-at-home mother up until we started going to school and had a deep love of all stuffed toys which extended into adulthood. Although I do think that this was helped along by my parents divorce because I did get particularly attached to my stuffed toys during that period.
My daughter who was breastfed and coslept up until 12 months has had zero interest in stuffed animals and gets a bit creeped out by most dolls actually. But I have noticed in the last month or so (she’s now 18 months old) that she has started to cuddle some of her stuffed toys.
I do believe that some babies develop attachments to things as well as people, and for some babies it’s just people. My daughter was definitely like that. And I think it’s those sorts of babies who are more likely to cosleep because you kind of have to.
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My boys were breastfed and all that and have both had favorite stuffed animals. They are more toys than anything and are used for creative play.
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My oldest weaned at 15 months, but was in daycare full-time. He has one special Pooh Bear that has to be in bed at every nap and bed time…he will probably take Pooh Bear to college. He also sleeps with at least 5 other stuffies, but he spreads the love so everyone gets a turn.
My younger son is not yet 2, still breastfeeds and co-sleeps. He loves playing with stuffies, but won’t sleep with them. If I try to give him his lovey bunny when he’s nursing and I don’t want him tickling me, he’ll pet bunny for a bit and then toss him out of the way.
So maybe there is a correlation. Or maybe it just depends on the child and their personality.
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In my case (breastfed 2 months, CIO, less than attentive parents) stuffed animals where part of my sleeping routine. I was afraid of the dark, and had to surround my head with Teddy bears and cover my head with the blanket. My mother used to prevent us from going into her room by telling us about ghosts and monsters, so no wonder.
I BF and cosleep with my daughter, but she’s only 8 months old and I don’t know yet what will be… I try to be very responsive, work at home, so I hope that, in any case, she will “like” stuffed animals, not badly need them as I did.
That’s something I have wondered about too! My LO shows no interest in her teddy bears at the moment (we co-sleep, but she likes playing in her cot and throwing the toys out of it!). I am waiting to see if she ever gets an attachent object. Secretly, I hope she won’t, just to prove how well co-sleeping has worked
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I have to laugh at this! Yeasterday Isaac was nursing on one breast and holding his doll up to the other– every now and then he’d unlatch, look at his doll and go “Mmmm,Mmmmm” I never thought that as a mother to an only child I’d get to tandem nurse….
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My mother bf me for three months before switching to formula and I was HUGELY attached to all of my stuffed animals. I think I could have written parts of this post and they’d be so true to me — I was heartbroken if one went missing — I actually slept with one of my teddy bears well into university. No joke. I always had to have something nestled in my arm to sleep, eventually I snuggled a pillow since that was a little less insane sounding.
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Interesting idea. I know a child whose “lovey” was her mother’s old nursing bra! I guess she remembered those times fondly. Perhaps she wished breastfeeding had lasted longer?
I think it has much more to do with attachment and anxiety than whether a child was breastfed or not. I was FF and crib slept but was never left to cry and was carried quite a lot. I was never very attached to a lovey. Some of my friends and cousins though, particularly the ones with authoritarian or absent parents, were very attached to loveys until their teens. Divorce seemed to be the biggest predictor of this.
Interesting post!
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Well.. my DD was breastfed until 3.5, and co-slept FT until about 2, and then whenever she asks now (she’s 4). We’ve never done CIO, never done a timeout – all the AP stuff.
She has stuffies all over her bed, and likes to snuggle with them. Some days I can’t even snuggle with her as much as I’d like at bedtime because there’s a wall of stuffies
I suspect it’s personality as much as anything. Her preferences change – she likes the stuffed rodents most – but there’s always a stuffie or doll with her in the house
I was breastfed, and my kids are both breastfed. My daughter goes to sleep holding books. I did that also as a child. I think that speaks more to our family’s love of literature than
Sorry, accidentally submitted early. I was just saying, it speaks more to our love of books than a need for attachment.
@Noble Savage – Good point. I think you are right.
@Juliette – I love that you stopped and commented. I really wanted to hear from an AP parent whose child really loved stuffies. I knew you were out there somewhere. It’s nice to have an alternative viewpoint.
@Heather – I’m sure you are right. My kids like to chew their books and we say they are “devouring the literature” because books are big in our family too. But when my 5 yo is finished with hers at bedtime it gets tossed on the floor.
I think when it comes down to it, all children are vastly different and enjoy/don’t enjoy dolls/stuffies/loveys for their own reason. But it has beenso much to read all your comments. Thanks everyone!
My older son slept with us for nearly two years even though he was breastfed for 15 months. He is also a cancer patient who spends 2-5 nights every 3 weeks in the hospital, and every night, someone stays with him in the bed. My mother, or my husband. Once it was my sister. And it used to be me, except now I have another baby and must be with him.
Anyhow, my point is that my older son has no interest in stuffed animals or blankies. The first attachment to an object that he has formed was just recently, when he discovered that he has a favorite book. He likes people and will snuggle with people.
My younger son, only 3 months old, doesn’t seem to like anyone but tolerates me because I feed him.
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I think you’re right! I was BF for 18 months… i never had a lovey… my daughter for 2 years… she’s never slept with anything and my son is 22 months…same for him… interesting…
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