Welcome to the January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting resolutions!
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing about how we want to parent differently — or the same — in the New Year. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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My parenting resolutions are simple: Spend more time mindfully loving my children. I have often second guessed my parenting skills, even though I practice attachment parenting and whole-heartedly believe I am raising my children in the most positive and peaceful way I can. But when you mother a child who has always had challenging behaviours, no matter what kind of parenting you do, or what kind of sacrifices you make, it’s hard not to sometimes doubt your tactics. The past few months also have been busier than usual. I spent three months applying for different Masters of Social Work programs, while trying to maintain my blog, be a good wife and provide quality child care for my daycare families. During this time I was acutely aware of not being able to meet everyone’s needs by the standards I wanted, and I hated it.
Enter The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D. I found this book lying under a stack of papers the other day and it has been a godsend. It was originally written for couples in order to better understand how to give and receive love in relationships. It was such a success that a version was written for parents.
The authors suggest that all people receive and express love through one of five primary love languages or communication styles: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. It is our job as parents to provide all five types of love styles to our children but also to find out which one our children respond to the best and “speak” this language often in order to meet their emotional needs.
The best way to find out how your children give and receive love is to ask them “How do you know I love you?” Children over five years old should be able to answer this question. A child whose primary love language is words of affirmation might say “Because you always tell me you love me” or “Because you always encourage me to do my best and tell me you are proud of me.” A child whose primary love language is physical touch may say “Because you give me a hug and kiss every morning and night and before I go to school” or “Because you like to wrestle with me and play football or carry me on your shoulders.” A child who especially loves spending quality time with you might say “I know you love me because you always come to my practice and then take me out for a snack afterwards” or “Because you’re always there for me to talk to.” A child who speaks the language of gifts could say “Because you always buy me a pack of gum when you go shopping” or “Because you buy me my clothes.” The authors do warn against taking advantage of this love language and feeling like you can replace your love with gifts. They explain that for these children gifts are more than tangible objects, they are symbols of your love, and their love tanks need to be kept full to appreciate the gifts they receive. I appreciated the explanation to this particular love language as I have struggled with the knowledge that this is how I best receive love, but it isn’t something I always feel comfortable with given the issues surrounding gift giving: materialism, commercialism, greed and over-abundance. Finally, if your child’s love language is acts of service you might hear ”I know you love me because you read books to me and teach me things and help me with my homework.”
The other day I asked my daughter ” How do you know mommy loves you?” She smiled up at me and easily replied, “Because you give me hugs.” Well, if I used to hug my daughter a lot I have upped the ante considerably!
I love to hug my kids but I have never done so as consciously as I do now. I never worried if I missed giving my daughter a bedtime hug and kiss, and I usually just blew a kiss to her when she went into her classroom. In the morning I find she is especially in need of a love tank “fill-up” so as soon as I see her I greet her with a big long hug and kiss. I now understand her past need to hold my hand as we walked down the stairs in the morning. It used to drive me up the wall because I’d already be down the stairs and she’d wail for me to come and hold her hand refusing to come downstairs until I did. It drove me nuts and I saw it as over-dependance rather than her need to be shown some morning love in the way she best received it. In the three days I have been doing this I have already seen a change in her behaviour and demeanour. Whereas before, our mornings were rife with screaming, crying and aggression, my daughter is now more agreeable and loving towards the entire family.
I have increased all of the other ways in which to show both of my daughters love and have found that the conscious act of loving is reaping rewards for everyone.
Now, when I’m busy I don’t feel so guilty. Because I have mindfully filled my children’s love tanks with words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time and acts of service beforehand, they are happy to play while I do my housework or my writing. Carrying these love languages through the New Year is the simplest and most rewarding way I can see to building upon and improving my parenting and relationship with my kids.
Have you read any of The Five Love Languages series? If so, did they change the way you love your significant others? I’d love to hear your stories.
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(All the links should be active by noon on Jan. 12. Go to Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama for the most recently updated list.)
• To Yell or Not to Yell — The Adventures of Lactating Girl
• It Is All About Empathy: Nurturing a Toddler’s Compassion Potential — Baby Dust Diaries
• To my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama
• Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite!
• January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: Mama
• Imperfect Mother — Consider Eden
• Resolutions — Craphead (aka Mommy)
• FC Mom’s Parenting Resolutions 2010 — FC Mom
• What’s in a Resolution? — Happy Mothering
• January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting resolutions — Hobo Mama
• Natural Parenting Resolutions — Little Green Blog
• This year, I will mostly… — Look Left of the Pleiades
• Parenting Resolutions — The Mahogany Way
• I Resolve to Breastfeed In Public More Often — mama2mama tips
• Moving to Two Kids — Megna the Destroyer
• Use Love — Momopoly
• My parenting resolutions — Musings of a Milk Maker
• Talkin’ ’bout My Resolutions — Navelgazing
• Parenting Resolutions — One Starry Night
• Invitations, not resolutions — Raising My Boychick
• No more multitasking during kid time — The Recovering Procrastinator
• I need to slow down, smell those roses AND the poopy diapers — Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma
• Resolutely Parenting in 2010 — This Is Worthwhile
Wonderful, wonderful post that made my heart sing – thank you so much. Your post resonates deeply with my own feelings. This week I have been SOooooo busy and I feel the subconscious message I’ve been giving to my daughter is that I’m too busy and her demands on my time are inconvenient. This makes me feel really guilty…
I love the 5 love languages book; it was a great help to me and my DH. I’m going to ask my DD how she knows I love her today and see what her answer is LOL!
THanks for an inspiring and uplifting read
.-= Mrs Green @ littlegreenblog.com´s last blog ..Natural parenting resolutions =-.
[...] Dust Diaries • To my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama • Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite! • January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: Mama • Imperfect Mother [...]
Being a co-host of the carnival, I got to cheat and read this early
so I’ve actually been practicing the love language I realized my son has, which is also physical touch. This explains so much to me about why he has a constant need for me to carry him, to sit on my lap, to wrestle and snuggle. He was upset in the car, and I remembered this and stuck my arm back into his car seat (I wasn’t driving!) to smooth his hair and hold his hand. And he immediately calmed and fell asleep. So, thank you, for opening my eyes to this!
It’s also sparked some great conversations with my husband and friends as we decipher our own love languages and realize the ways we have or haven’t been giving each other the type of love we crave. Very interesting!
.-= Lauren @ Hobo Mama´s last blog ..January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting resolutions =-.
I LOVE the 5 Love Languages! I’ve never read the one for children but now I will! My husband and I talk about this a lot. I definitely tend to love him with my primary love language instead of his. Our discussions about it have been so enriching! My daughter might be too young to have a love language but I”m going to read the book and get a head start on nurturing her whatever it may be.
.-= Paige´s last blog ..It’s All About Empathy: Nurturing a Toddler’s Compassion Potential =-.
[...] Dust Diaries • To my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama • Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite! • January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: Mama • Imperfect Mother [...]
[...] Dust Diaries • To my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama • Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite! • January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: Mama • Imperfect Mother [...]
I wish I could just ask Peanut how she knows I love her, but I’m pretty sure that if she could answer it would be physical touch. She always wants to be held and when she’s crying just picking her up often makes her feel better. She even sleeps better when I’m a foot away from her rather than in the other room (since we don’t go to bed at the same time). I’ll have to test a little to see if this is her love language.
.-= Claire´s last blog ..To Yell or Not to Yell =-.
[...] Dust Diaries • To my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama • Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite! • January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: Mama • Imperfect Mother [...]
[...] my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama• Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite!• January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: [...]
[...] Loving My Children — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! has found that determining her children’s love language is helping guide her in parenting [...]
Melodie I love this! I never thought about applying the Love Language ideas to kids! Kieran is too young to ask, but he’s definitely not too young to show him that I love him in every way. What a great idea
I will put that book on my to read list. Thank you for sharing!
.-= Dionna´s last blog ..January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions =-.
Oh great, another good book I should read… or maybe I can just learn from you?
I totally love how this book shifted your perspective on your interactions with your kids! I think it shows just how much potential we have as parents, but also how important it is to educate ourselves as parents. I feel like we’re too busy to get out and learn from each other sometimes, and then again, there comes a point where we’ve got to slow down enough to simply learn about our own children. I hope it’s not just me who feels way too busy these days, sometimes too busy to focus on the important people in my life. I need to work on that.
Thanks for this perspective-altering post, and for a reminder about what matters- communicating our love to the people in our life.
.-= FC Mom´s last blog ..Natural Parenting Blog Carnival: Parenting Resolutions 2010 =-.
Oh, this is just what I needed to read today. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Words can’t express how much this means. I would like to say I’m going to run out and get this book, but right now the table is full of books I don’t have time (or energy) to read and I want to spend my “extra” time filling up my kids love tanks.
Your post has already made a difference in how I’m looking at today.
I just want to hug you!
(((hug)))
Karen
.-= Karen´s last blog ..What’s Normal? =-.
I haven’t read this book yet but have heard good things about it. I need to check it out!
.-= Sybil´s last blog ..Natural Parenting Carnival post: My parenting resolutions =-.
This is great! I think I need to read that book. But now, I have to go ask my daughter how she knows I love her.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..(Lack of) Educational Philosophy =-.
Awesome. Such a sweet post. I can’t wait to go ask my son. It’s interesting think what my primary one would be too. I love the idea of tailoring your love for each child.
As for your physical love daughter – my son and I have this habit called “daily cuddles” where after he’s had breakfast (thank you dad!!) he gets into bed with me, we wrap our arms around each other and just lay there for a bit before I get up. He almost never misses a day. It’s great.
I really like that your resolution is about spreading more love, rather than focusing on some negative thing you’d like to do less of.
.-= BluebirdMama´s last blog ..To my babies: this year… =-.
[...] my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama• Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite!• January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: [...]
I’m a words-of-affirmation girl. I haven’t read the 5 Love Languages for kids, but I’ve wanted to and now you’ve sealed the deal for me.
Thanks for the wonderful, informative post. I think my toddler already is revealing that she’s physical touch kind of little one. She wants me to “use love” through hugs, cuddle time, and crawling onto my lap. Oh, how I wish she still wanted to nurse, but she weaned herself before I was ready while I had to gently wean my first in order to conceive my second. Kids teach me daily that I’m not the one in control. I never was.
Thanks for the encouraging post. Blessings.
.-= Kate Wicker´s last blog ..Use Love =-.
Thank you to everyone for your kind words. It means a lot to me that my sharing this book with you resonated. It *is* a great book. Totally worthwhile. Definitely go get yourselves a copy!
@Hobo_Mama – I’m glad it sparked some conversation with the adults for you. I really want to read the original Five Love Languages (5LL) because my husband and I could really benefit from it.
@Claire – My first daughter’s first word was “up.” I should have figured it out then how important physical touch really was to her then rather than just recently. But oh well. It really is neat to ask and have them give you an answer when they get older anyway.
@Karen – Hugs back to you!I love that this resonated with you so deeply.
@Paige – They say that your child should be five before you start trying to figure out their primary love language. Before that they say it is important to show all five love styles so your child can flourish in all areas. But there’s no harm in getting the book early and practicing all the styles. Especailly if it is hard for you to exhibit any one of them. Practice makes perfect!
[...] Dust Diaries • To my babies: this year… — BluebirdMama • Mindfully Loving My Children — Breastfeeding Moms Unite! • January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions — Code Name: Mama • Imperfect Mother [...]
I love this post! I’m going to add it to my list of ‘must reads’
I wonder if it’s possible to have kids who don’t have one love language that is dominant? Both of my girls love touch, affirmation, and gifts.
I’ll ask them tomorrow and see what they say.
@Darcel – Definitely read the book. It covers this. Geez, I should have thought to have it up for sale on my Amazon widget. Too bad I got rid of it. After a year of no sales you gotta toss in the towel though.
I don’t know if the Boychick (not quite 3) will be old enough to answer this for a while, but oh, I need the reminder on mindfulness and filling up his love cup. I try, but recently has been hard. The days when I can remember that everything he does is for a reason, usually because he needs more of something — usually me, or his dad — are the days when things go easier. Even if he still has a hard time, we have more joy overall.
Thanks for the reminder.
.-= Arwyn´s last blog ..Invitations, Not Resolutions =-.
What a wonderful post… I almost cried! I’ve read the five love languages, but not the children’s one. I definitely will now. It’s amazing how much kids can change as soon as we change what WE are doing. My son is only 8 months old, but I am already practicing loving him as much as possible. Thanks for the great post!
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Imperfect Mother =-.
It sounds like an amazing book. Having just finished Unconditional Parenting (Alfie Kohn) I now have room in my brain to explore it! My daughter isn’t two until April but I think I can guess that she experiences love through touch. Like @Melodie one of her first words has been ‘up’ and although often this means that she wants me to play with her she is very tactile, was rocked to sleep until she was 14 months old, is a very snuggly creature and insists on kisses to make even the tiniest hurt better. Luckily I’m a cuddle addict so it works out very well.
.-= Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – The Bucket =-.
Oh man… this is FANTASTIC. I read The Five Love Languages a decade ago and it was a powerful read. I’m so glad it’s applicable to children, too! I can’t wait for my little guy to tell me in his own voice, but if I had to guess, I’d say quality time.
Thanks again for spreading the word. This kind of thing can change lives.
.-= Jessica – This is Worthwhile´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Exhausted aunt on baby-duty =-.
Hey Melanie, have you read the Man Nurse Diaries? His post today on cosleeping is awesome. I thought you might like to check it out!
http://mannursediaries.blogspo.....to-be.html
I also love this post you did. I have read this book, and should dust it off and read it again–I think you’re onto something here!! Last time I read it my kids were all smaller than 5 so I simply had to apply all the languages, but now two of them are older than 5 so I could go back and figure out which love languages they are!! thanks for the reminder!!
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Plagiarized from Man Nurse Diaries =-.
[...] Mindfully Loving My Children @ Breastfeeding Moms Unite! [...]
[...] just one more thing to learn from and find balance with. And of course, that’s a part of my New Year’s resolutions, which you get to read about on Tuesday as part of the Natural Parenting Carnival. Despite the [...]
I’ve heard of this book before and it sounds interesting. I’ve been thinking about these 5 love languages since I read this post. I know which work for my kids without asking, but I have asked them how they know I love them and their answers surprise me anyway. My little boy said he knows I love him because I tell him, which is true, but he barely responds when I say it, so it’s good to get that reassurance that saying it does make him feel loved. Anyway, thanks for posting this and fleshing it out a bit. If I could find this at the library, I would totally check this book out!
I haven’t read any of the Love Language books but I am interested. I think this is something I’d like to be aware of as my son gets older. He is only 6 mos old so we’ll settle for physical touch (i.e. hugs, kisses, cuddles, etc.) as his primary love language for now.
Sweet. I’m going to read that series.
.-= Betsy´s last blog ..Birth Performance Anxiety, or, unassisted in a yurt with Enya in an owl-sanctuary =-.
[...] my house, like the maternal figures who came before me, I mindfully love my children through the language of food.* Special occasions especially provide a wonderful opportunity for me [...]