My toddler likes to pull on and look down my shirt from time to time. She likes to make sure her milkies are still there, I guess. This weekend, during a rare cuddle with the whole family in bed, was no exception. She took the blankets and pulled them back and pulled on my pajama top. Then she quickly pulled back, a look of shock on her face.
“Daddy touching my milkies!” she said, unmistakably offended.
We laughed. I mean it was funny!
But she didn’t think so. She looked at me and put on the saddest face she could muster and then turned away from me.
A minute later I asked her, “Honey, are you okay?”
“No,” she replied softly. “Daddy touched my milkies.”
“Oh. My. God.” said hubby, getting out of bed while I tried not to laugh.
My daughter rolled back over and patted my chest. “My milkies!” she said triumphantly, grinning from ear to ear.
What was clear to both of us was how much power she exudes over my breasts, and even though I’m playful about it, how much power I give her over them. I’ve always nursed on demand, and while she asks less than she used to, my two and a half year old is still pretty obsessed with my breasts and nurses heartily when given the chance. A few days ago she chased me around the house when I was getting changed into my pajamas leaping for and trying to grab my boobs so she could nurse. We both laughed our heads off, but initially I really just wanted some space to change into my frickin’ pjs! I’m now trying to teach her that mommy has boundaries and that she can still nurse pretty much whenever she wants to but mommy gets to say no if she’s busy doing something else or needing some quiet time. So far, she doesn’t get it.
Any tips for a mom who would like to have control over the handling of her own breasts and still respect her child’s desire to nurse?
By the way, since realizing how popular my Monday Musings posts were, I have decided to re-install the meme. I just hope I can keep up the momentum this time. This is the first re-installment of 2010.
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I understand this scenario completely and laughed out loud at the thought of running through the house away from my own leaping toddler. My dd is 2 1/2 and we’re working on boundaries too. I’m no longer nursing on demand. I still enjoy the morning cuddle-nurse in my bed, but won’t nurse before 5:30 a.m. I actually had to create and enforce a clock-led “ok time” because morning nursing was turning back into night-nursing (5 am, 4 am, then 3 am.) Flexibility was working against me.
So I turned to the clock for help. Now I say- it’s not morning yet. I’ll cuddle with you until morning. She’s getting more clever too! Now she says, Just one boobie, holding up one finger in the dark, and I can picture the sweet face that accompanies the pitch.
Mostly we nurse now at bedtime and morning wake-up. If we’re home and I’m not in the middle of chores, I’ll also nurse during the day one time.
It’s tough to keep boundaries. But it helps me stay ok with toddler nursing. Without these limits, I wasn’t enjoying bfing anymore. I was really ready to wean, I felt so crazy about wanting to get my boobs back!
I also hope I’m modeling the message that I get to make choices about my body. That I’m choosing to share and I want to share, without confusing this message with nursing when I really don’t want to.
Hope this makes some sense.
Karen Angstadt´s last blog ..It’s about women’s rights
I started instituting boundaries when kid was around 3. By this point she was playing with my tits more than nursing, and I really felt she needed me to lay down the law about what is appropriate and what isn’t with my anatomy. It became “you can nurse, but you can’t play’ I also didn’t nurse in public.
kate´s last blog ..The ‘Couve Diss
Ha! So I’m not alone… My daughter does this to me all the time. It can be very frustrating sometimes because she either has to nurse or touch them all the time. They have become her security blanket. My boyfriend doesn’t understand why she can’t SHARE. I can’t understand why I can’t have any privacy. I wish I could offer you some advice but I need the same answers.
Much LoVe & Blessings!!
Mz. Jazie´s last blog ..7 Tips For Improving Your Life As A Teen Parent!
I’m definitely starting to “lay down the law” too. If he had is way about it, he’d be nursing non stop, whenever he felt like it, no matter what I was doing. He’s also developed this habit of trying to take my boobs with him when he leaves. He thinks they’re detachable or something. He really isn’t nursing half that time either – he’s just kicking me, or sticking his fingers in my face. It’s really hard to turn him down because he is SUCH a boobie-monster, but when I’m not interested in nursing him that very second, I just distract him with something else. Half the time he wants to nurse it’s just because he’s thirsty. I give him some water and he’s fine. Or, he wants to nurse because he needs a snuggle, so I snuggle him and he’s fine. I’d say I give in about half the time now. If he wasn’t really that interested anyway, and was just bored or thirsty, then he doesn’t care that I say no. When he gets really upset, that’s when I know he needs it. I know he’s not ready to stop completely, but I’m definitely not “on demand” anymore.
TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..2010: The Year of Gina?
Melodie! This made me laugh so hard!
In my family it is more like a competition for who adores my breasts the most. I’m seriously being groped by all three of them at one point of the day or other! And I can relate to the changing scenario. I always change as quickly as I can.
I remember this was harder with my first, but now it just seems so normal to me. When I don’t want to nurse I just say no. Of course, I’m very compassionate and at the beginning I pick one part of the day. For example, I just started with my two year old. We nurse in bed in the morning, but then once we go downstairs I don’t nurse again until well into the late morning. I offer food and drinks, snuggles and book and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I try to be aware if he’s teething, or overtired, or not feeling well, b/c I will nurse no matter what in those circumstances, but I feel it’s a good transition for mama’s and toddlers when mama starts having a say of when she wants to nurse.
I also try to give freely and offer when I feel really good about it. This is usually night time or late afternoon.
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Too funny! We’ve had similar experiences here, especially with the clamping on like a badger when I’m trying to get dressed.
I’ve definitely been thinking a lot about boundaries as our 2.5-year-old has become more verbal, because now I know what he’s thinking (possessive to the extreme) and I feel like I can communicate some of my wishes, too. Unfortunately, I haven’t yet figured out how to reason with a 2-year-old!
But I try. My biggest issue is stopping the incessant twiddling of the free nipple, because it really irritates me. But when I try to stop him, he takes it as a personal challenge to fight me off and get back to it. Sometimes he thinks it’s a joke, and sometimes he lays down the law to me, saying, “No! My nummies!” So we’ve had a lot of conversations (one-way conversations) about how they’re actually my nummies but they’re on temporary loan and have to be treated with respect.
Sigh… I have no answer. I guess just patience and persistence, because I’m sure we won’t be having this conversation when they’re age 12!
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Both of my kids seem to feel that they have a certain ownership of my breasts. Or even, for that matter, my whole body. My almost-5-year-old hasn’t nursed in 2 years, but she will attempt to have a conversation with the ‘milks’ if she happens across me changing.
Honestly, I’m already instituting some minor boundaries with my 16-month-old. My first two? I do not breastfeed on the toilet or at the table. At his age, I feel that he can wait a few minutes to nurse, especially because he has free access at all other times. He’s not always happy when I say ‘no’, but for right now this is what I have to do to preserve my sanity. This is a relationship, after all, and I matter. Plus, I think that boundaries benefit my toddler in the end, because if I’m happy I’m more likely to continue breastfeeding for longer.
Amber´s last blog ..Second Babies are Easier
Haha! This reminds me of something that happened a couple of weeks ago with my 21 month old. We were playing, “Where’s your ___?” She pointed to her belly button, feet, ears, neck, even her vulva. I asked her, “Where’re your breasts?” She, of course, pulled down my shirt. I’ve been trying to show her that she has nipples too and can feed her dolls (she wants me to feed them all for her). It’s not working too well…
Also, being pregnant, my nipples get really sore if she twiddles a lot, so lately I’ve been keeping my own hand over the breast that’s not in use and when she tries to pry my hand off so she can twiddle, I say, “That’s mommy’s breast and it hurts right now, so you can’t play with it.” Unfortunately, I’m not very consistent. I only do that when it hurts and about half the time twiddling doesn’t hurt, so I let her.
TopHat´s last blog ..Inquisition Monday: Nursery
I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one with a leaping, shrieking, boobie-obessed toddler. It’s funny – @TopHat my daughter won’t nurse her own dolls either. The other day she quietly held up her toy mouse for me to nurse. When I asked her if she wanted to nurse it herself she looked at me as if I was crazy. She’ll often say to her dad “I don’t have milkies, mommy has milkies.” It’s my special power I guess.
@Amber – I need to institute those rules. No nursing on the toilet indeed! I have made the no nursing in public rule, which she still fights, and I grapple with wanting to be the lactivist I am, but needing to weigh that with the reality of the need to make boundaries regardless of my activist side.
@Hobo Mama – Ah, yes, the twiddling. Like @Top Hat I’ve been keeping my hand over my other breast when she nurses too. Especially when the hand starts roaming.
@Hillary – I’m with you on watching for a child’s true need for breastfeeding. Same with @TFB. Part of my problem is I give in to it when I shouldn’t – like when she’s bored and I’m in the middle of something and it would just be easier to nurse than argue or change what I am doing to entertain her for a bit. When I weaned my first daughter I still let her nurse when she really needed it, and it helped with the transition tremendously. She didn’t abuse the privilege either which was interesting.
@TFB – I need to try the water trick more often. It’s worked before but I’m not very consistent. Thanks for the reminder.
@Ms. Jazie – Hope you get some answers here from the rest of the commenters.
@Karen – Yes, I understand what you are saying completely. And this is right where I am, needing to establish boundaries so I can contentedly continue with toddler nursing.
Melodie´s last blog ..Who’s Breasts Are They Anyway?
This is too funny! What mother hasn’t had to deal with the concept of “mommy is her own person”? My daughter will let others touch “her” nursies now but she holds them securely at night and gets quite resentful if daddy tries to get in on the action. We laugh and I just try to remember that this too will pass. Glad you shared.
I have slowly added boundaries too, the first nursing times to go were also the table and on the toilet! Now at just over 2yrs he is a morning and nap nurser and is really not much of a cuddle kid so I don’t tend to have the battle you seem too (but I did with my first born) I do have ‘those days’ if he is a little sick or didn’t get enough sleep where that is all he does….those are L O N G days!
Naomi´s last blog ..Compartmentalize Your Mind
Lol!! I really can relate to the mad dash around the room while getting dressed, just to keep the boobies to myself for a minute!!!
I’m afraid I’m not helpful in the advice department, but I did want to commiserate!! My oldest was definitely possessive. But my #3 at 16 months could take it or leave it, most of the time. He rarely asks me during the day. I have to offer to make sure he gets an adequate amount! So I can’t see myself limiting him any time soon, but that could change. He def. asks when I’m changing in front of him, which drives me nuts. And def. all night long. Sometimes I’ll say no if both boobs are empty and he’s been at it a long time–my nipples are always really sensitive so I can’t sleep if he’s on there for forever. And I never let them twiddle from day 1 for the same reason. I can’t HANDLE twiddling at ALL!
DD
I have to say, that for me the thing that drives me most wild is everyone following me into the bathroom—even the dog!! If you figure out a good solution for your boobie ownership problem, let me know, and I’ll see if I can apply it to my bathroom privacy problem!
Melissa´s last blog ..Ayden’s Birth Story
Eh, I can kind of relate! My daughter just turned one and she wants both of my breasts out while she’s nursing. If I try to cover one side up she gets MAD. It’s so crazy, its like she owns them and I’m just hosting the location! Its definitely making nursing a tad bit frustrating now, we gotta work on those nursing manners!
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Oh Melodie – how awesome to know that we are not alone in having to change clothes covertly or risk the crazed glassy-eyed toddler leaping for the boobs. I find it hilarious to see the look on her face change when she notices my shirt is off and I have to go on the defensive.
I also find the reaction of your husband pretty damn funny. That would be mine too: resigned irritation as he bides his time.
But yeah, boundaries. Wish I did have some advice. Leave it to Amber to have some good ones!
@Hobo Mama – yes to the twiddling. To me, it feels like baby is trying to tune in an FM station on the dial. Makes my skin crawl. My basic rule is you’ve got free access to the boob you are currently nursing and the other is off limits.
BluebirdMama´s last blog ..Vision
I could have written this post!
1) my son has always called it his milkies!
2) he has always been obsessed with my boobs like that. gets so mad when daddy touches them.
3) I got to feeling the exact same way, wanting some space
4) we weaned a month ago but he still reaches down my shirt and always talks about his milkies although he doesn’t ask to nurse anymore.
Jessi´s last blog ..What kind of parent are you?
Melodie this is so funny, mostly because it’s so familiar
I have, however, kind of revealed to Kieran that mama’s milks are family “property,” because I have to constantly remind that they are for mama, papa, and Kieran (b/c he always wants to pull up my shirt to reveal the one not being nursed out in public).
(And THAT was a really convoluted sentence, I just have no time to reword it – I need to make dinner!)
Dionna´s last blog ..Breastfeeding on Sesame Street
What a great post Melodie! Violet is still loving her “moks”, she can’t really say milk. I too have hit a threshold of what I can tolerate, funny how that changes as they get older. The challenge I have with her is she doesn’t really nurse, she just goes on and off, then running in the other direction, it’s a bit irritating. The transition is coming quickly I can feel it. Happy New Year! I look forward to reading more of your musings, they are great.
Catherine´s last blog ..you never know where the road may take you….
my tot does the same thing. he’s very teritorial for my boobies. he would even wrestle with hubby just so nobody would touch the boobies but him!
Carol´s last blog ..Letting Go
This is a great post! K2 is great with sharing, but she will only allow Daddy to have one “Boob-e-a” and it’s the one that she chooses for him.
Daddy: Those are my Boobeas
K2: No day my Boobeas, Daddy you have dis Boobeas (pointing to one)
Daddy: No I want both Boobeas
K2: Giggles… “No I have nurse, you nurse on dat one, I nurse on this one
Finally the discussion is over when I say “They are MY Boobeas and I will only allow both of you to have them if and when I want” Of course I am giggling while saying it.
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@Carol @Our Sentiments – Too funny!
This is hilarious!! Fun post! Ds (27 mos now) went through a period at about 18 mos where everything needed nursed and he thought anyone could do it except me. He would grab a dinosaur, take it to his dad and ask for buffet. Dad would tell him his buffet didn’t work, ds would shake his head and look sad and the sit down, lift his own shirt, and nurse the dinosaur. I have to give my hubby credit because ds did this in front of company once and he didn’t even flinch.
The glassy eyed stare when the breasts are out cracks me up!! Ds doesn’t do it too much because we’ve always showered or bathed together, since he was about 2 weeks old, so I think he got used to seeing them. Every once in a while though he just seems to notice them and there he goes.
Yep, the twiddling part is soooo annoying! I have always worn nursing tanks and have put a burp cloth inside my tank on the side not being used because it has always leaked. This provides the cushion to not get twiddled. I always wear the tanks because he has always stuck his hand/arm between me and the strap and holds on while nursing. If I don’t have one on, he seems lost.
Much luck on reclaiming your body. I’m figuring its just another one of those things that will eventually come with time and we will miss all of the mauling, maybe.
[...] that you have a baby or toddler attached to your boob for the better part of a day, you need something to call your own. Something you can unlatch from as much as you can latch-on to without causing a certain temper [...]
I’m sort of nervous about this time. I can see it coming. My daughter is 20 months. She has just recently begun to start “accidentally” dropping small toys down my shirt and then saying, “Uh oh!” as she reaches down there to get it back and then rub my breasts.
Martha´s last blog ..Sleep, finally
Oh, this speaks to me right now. Like Hobomama and others, it’s the TWIDDLING in particular that is making me mental. ARGH. And yup, every time she catches a glimpse of me changing, she shrieks and giggles with delight at the sight of her “Boh-tees” (her own invented term) and I have to fight her off. Sometimes it’s cute, sometimes it’s maddening. She also prefers both boobs unsheathed – I’ve been getting pretty firm about that lately.
Another odd thing she’s been doing lately – if she’s on my lap and wants to nurse, once I expose the breast, she sometimes lifts up her own shirt instead of nursing, and rubs her belly against my boob. O_o Is this an unfulfilled need for skin to skin, or what?
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[...] that you have a baby or toddler attached to your boob for the better part of a day, you need something to call your own. Something you can unlatch from as much as you can latch-on to without causing a certain temper [...]
[...] Last week’s Monday Musings post was about trying to make boundaries with your toddler around nursing and whose breasts do those baubles attached to your chest really belong to? A number of readers commented on twiddling, so I thought I’d devote this week’s post to the subject. [...]
I breast fed four children and never had the problem of their interest in my breast but I have noticed that my grandchildren are interested in them.I wonder if TV has anything to do with this. Doylene
Doylene Brents´s last blog ..Buttermilk Pancakes
Mel ~ thank you for sharing ~ what a hilarious post! The three men in this house have actually chased me around as I am getting dressed, each laughing & calling out for my boobs… each saying that it’s his turn… needless to say I am in the shape of my life & can outrun them all!
When trying to set some boundaries with my boys, I would tell them when they could nurse, why they couldn’t at that time, we were driving, I was making dinner, whatever, & offer water in the meantime.
I would also ask my husband to offer snuggles, or a story, something close with them while I finished up what I was doing.
I also taught the boys the hand signs for milk & for water, it sure helped with timing & boundary issues.
After three years of nursing with at least one more to go ~ I wonder if anyone will want them when they are back to their small, & perhaps saggier form! Ha!