This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.
When I first got pregnant six years ago, the first thing I wanted to buy was What To Expect When You’re Expecting. It was the only book about pregnancy I’d ever heard of. As far as I was concerned, it was a woman’s pregnancy bible.
And then, about half way through my pregnancy I heard about Dr. Sears’s The Baby Book and everything changed: I entered the world of attachment parenting. Except that I was already there and just never knew my values had a name.
I had always wanted to breastfeed. My mother didn’t breastfeed me and her mother didn’t breastfeed her, so I wasn’t expecting a lot of support in this area, but I knew it was the right thing to do, and I was determined to make it work no matter what. I remember near the end of my pregnancy I realized that I did not actually know how it worked. The midwives laughed and lent me a book that I raced through over the next couple days, trying to memorize the drawings so I could get it just right, but in retrospect I wished I’d just chilled out about it. Babies know instinctively what to do (most of the time) and I had my midwives there to ensure we got off to a good start no matter what my education level was on the subject. Today, I recommend other expecting moms to attend a La Leche League meeting. I started attending meetings when my baby was 3 months old and I remember thinking I should have come months earlier. I learned so much from those meetings.
I had a team of midwives to help me have a home birth. In addition to reading the Dr. Sears book, my midwives suggested other books for me to read. Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth was a favorite and helped me prepare for any challenges I might face during a natural birth. I studied that book as though I was going to be tested on it. Because quite literally, I would be. Pam England’s Birthing From Within also helped me work through any fear I had about the pregnancy and becoming a mother. Through art and journalling I explored and celebrated my feelings about the baby growing inside me. Afterwards, I produced a beautiful pregnancy scrapbook with all my drawings. The midwives also filled in the gaps with other relevant information about my pregnancy and the upcoming birth. I highly recommend midwife-attended births, if only for the fact that you learn so much from them. The only thing I never read up about or talked to anyone about was what happened after the baby was born.
In the end, I ended up having an emergency cesarean. I was crushed. I had refused to read up on them because I was so certain I would get my home birth and I had even gone so far as to not pack a hospital bag. What did I learn from this? The power of positive thinking doesn’t always work! That, and be responsible and research all aspects of birth beforehand because you never know what nature might have in store for you!
Luckily, my daughter latched on within the first hour and other than some minor nipple chapping and tearing, we didn’t have any breastfeeding problems. She went on to breastfeed until the eve of her third birthday.
When we got home from the hospital, I looked at the crib I was certain I would use, and then looked at my baby and thought, “What was I thinking?” I couldn’t bear to be apart from her so we shared my bed every night until she was two. Later, I learned that this instinctive move benefitted our breastfeeding relationship, as well as protected her from SIDS, the very thing nay-sayers were worried about.
I wore my daughter in a ring sling. Later, I discovered the Moby Wrap, which I much preferred for my second daughter. I do wish I had researched other baby carriers though. Today, if I were to have another baby, in addition to the Moby I would purchase a mei-tei and an Ergo.
I was fortunate enough to have a year long maternity leave, and then decide to work from home after that year was up, during which time I spent a lot of time reading up on attachment parenting and happily finding my values reflected within the pages of the many books I read. Dr. Sears’s The Fussy Baby Book was especially a lifesaver for me during my daughter’s first year of challenging and spirited behaviours.
Now that my oldest daughter is five and my other daughter is two, I feel a bit more seasoned as a mother. I read books less and listen to and watch my children more. I spend time with other families who hold similar values and we learn from each other by sharing our stories about what has worked for us and offering each other support. I have learned that attachment parenting is as much about following your instincts and doing what is natural than anything else. Motherhood hasn’t been everything I expected, but by following my instincts and attachment parenting principles, I have gratifyingly faced the challenges.
Which things about motherhood were you not prepared for? Which ones were you prepared for? How did you deal with unexpected challenges?
Related posts:
- Monday Musings: Becoming An Attachment Parent
- What To Expect of Your Body After A C-Section
- The Canadian Maternity Experiences Survey: My Answers
- Self-Attachment: Smart Babies Want to Breastfeed
- 9 Things Pregnant Moms Need
Tags: baby wearing, behavioural problems, Birthing From Within, Dr. Sears, Ina May Gaskin, midwives
If you read my blog during my first pregnancy, you wouldn’t recognize me now. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING has changed. It’s hard to even describe it, or think about it now.
I wasn’t prepared for anything. I learned everything the hard way, and every assumption I ever held about myself, my feminism, my body, and my beliefs was challenged, shattered, and painstakingly rebuilt.
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I would love to go back and read those old entries. It’s always neat to catch a glimpse of people’s former selves in their writing. Did you ever write about your being grossed out about breastfeeding the first time around?
The posts leading up to my induction pretty much read like an instruction manual of “How to Guarantee Yourself a Horrible Labor that Leads to a Cesarean.”
At least I learned from it. Some women never do.
TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..Coming to a Television Near You on March 3rd…
“The power of positive thinking doesn’t always work! That, and be responsible and research all aspects of birth beforehand because you never know what nature might have in store for you!”
I am nodding my head at this emphatically. My first child was born, unexpectedly and suddenly, at 34 weeks. After the fact we discovered that I had an amniotic infection, which was basically a random occurrence. I had skipped over all those parts of the pregnancy and birth books that dealt with prematurity and NICUs and all that, because who wants to think about it? No one, that’s who, but some of us end up in there in spite of that anyway.
I have to add as a caveat, having midwives attend was fabulous me through my high-risk birth and the medical aftermath that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. They were amazing advocates, and because of them I was able to keep things as natural and normal as possible under the circumstances. For example, I delivered vaginally and without pain medication. Having an excellent support team that you trust is always important, but I found it to be even more important when things do go wrong. My second labour was full-term, short and uneventful, and while I adored my midwife and was glad to have her there, it was my high-risk birth where it made all the difference.
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I too did not bother reading up on C sections and luckily I didn’t have to go that route but I do recommend being prepared. One of things I did to prepare for motherhood was I spent more time learning and reading about breastfeeding. We spend so much time researching and learning about Labour and delivary (which we should to an extent…some of it raises unneccessary fears…but I digress) and barely any time is spent on researching breastfeeding. Breastfeeding affects years of your child’s and your life whereas labour hours to days.
I also had so many fears about not having enough stuff for a baby but all you need is some diapers, some clothes, a car seat and a carrier for the first 6 months of baby’s life. We get way too much stuff for babies!!!! I had a sling for each of my kids but have discovered a baby trekker for my last child…love it! Its great for hiking etc. Its similiar to a ERgo but I like the Trekker much better because it supports baby way more and felt way better on me.
Finally, I always tell moms to throw away “What to Expect When you are Expecting” Its a fear based book!!!! There is my two ‘cents’
THanks for allowing me to contribute!
I’m lucky to have been very involved with the birth and babyhoods of my sister’s three kids (by sheer luck, I drove down the night she went into labor and had her 2nd baby so fast that she had him right in the bathroom- the other 2 were not so dramatic- the first at a hospital with epidural, the third at a hospital totally drug-free). My sister (younger by 3 years but had all 3 of her babies before I had my first) was and is a wonderful model of caring, thoughtful parenting, and with as much time as I spent with her and her kids, I learned a lot about labor and the early days, and how newborns can be demanding but quite portable if you sling ‘em!
If there is something I was unprepared for, it was
a) sleep. I wish I’d tried that “put baby down drowsy but awake”- my baby has never fallen asleep w/o me- when I wasn’t working, that was tiring but OK because I could nap with him but- now that I’m back at work, I’m so sleep deprived that I feel ill.
b) how close-minded I am about how to do things with my baby. My husband suggested breastfeeding him on more of a schedule and I looked at him like he suggested we go out and massacre the neighbors. He suggested sleep-training and I stared at him blankly. As if. We missed that window long ago. Our different attitudes cause some big fights though.
c) I also did not expect how much less time I’d have to focus on my husband. I thought my baby would go to sleep at 730-8 like my sister’s kids. Oh no. This one’s up til 10, and that’s with my enormous effort to get him to sleep.
Other than the sleep, my baby is perfect, and having a baby is way more fun than I expected. HE is so much better than I expected!
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Oh- I also did not expect how passionate I’d be about breastfeeding. Even though I’d seen my sister breastfeed, I didn’t understand how interesting and… bonding it could be. And how powerful it made me feel to nourish my baby.
FC Mom´s last blog ..Teaching as a Mom
I am glad I’m not the only one to find What to Expect USELESS and Dr. Sears’ The Birth Book, Baby Book, and Breastfeeding Book priceless. I am not gung-ho AP, but I was fervent about my desire to nurse and not to CIO. I think it’s silly we’re taught to ignore motherly instincts!
I craved a natural childbirth but after 30 hours of labor caved to an epidural and had nearly every intervention except a c-sec. It was still a highly satisfying birth and you’re right–you can’t WILL something to happen how you want it! Next time I’ll be even more prepared and will hopefully soar through a natural birth.
Jessie
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What a beautiful blog entry!
Honestly, I really wasn’t interested in breastfeeding when I was pregnant. I don’t know why, but the idea of it bothered me somehow. My mom and husband both encouraged me to try and I’m so SO glad they did. I’m now pregnant with my second and can’t for a moment imagine not breastfeeding, I have so many beautiful memories of being snuggled up with my sweet little son, nursing. In the shade of our maple trees, laying in bed watching the snow fall . . . it was wonderful. I didn’t expect that!
What to Expect When You’re Expecting is the number one book being passed around among pregnant friends and relatives here. But I must agree that Dr. Sears’ Baby Book is much much better. I also didn’t think I would be breastfeeding for long.. my mindset then was that – I would breastfeed if I have milk. My top regret was probably not reading more about natural childbirth. I assumed that I would need an epidural plus my OB didn’t ask my permission but just snipped me down there for an episiotomy. now i know better!
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nice post. thanks.
My first (only) I did all the research, attended Bradley classes and planned for the perfect birth. Unfortunately, my strong willed child was just as strong willed then as she is now.
Labor was long and complicated. My midwife was little to no help and was very unsupportive unfortunately, as I’d gone with a midwife just to get that extra support. With some medical interventions ~ short of a C section I gave birth to her. The doctor’s overreacted and took her to the nicu ~ where without my permission or consent they started her on IV anibiotics (three different kinds). Dealing with the NICU was very hard, and the nurses were NOT very supportive of breastfeeding, which I fought very hard to do. I would not allow them to supplement with formula ~ no matter how hard they tried to my face and behind my back.
I too felt I would have a perfect birth and did little to no research on complications, other than to write no forceps in my birth plan.
Which I was glad about because it did come up.
It’s really hard to look at the things that can go wrong, but I think it’s a good idea for people to at least know a little bit about how the NICU works, and how to advocate for yourself if you end up there. It was very very hard ~ but we did it.
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@Pam – It’s so terrific to hear the stories of moms who didn’t want to breastfeed and then did and loved it. Thanks for sharing!
@Amber @Jessie @Jenny @Jackie Lee – It appears there’s a common thread among your comments that shows that it is important to learn about the interventions that may arise. And of course this is so true. However I find it is rare for any new moms to cover all this stuff. I know it gets covered to some extent in pre-natal classes, although I pretty much didn’t pay attention to any of it myself (nothing like the la-la-la song going through your head to distract you from things you don’t want to hear!). So how can we get moms to pay attention? How can this be changed?
great blog entry! i have a 10 month old (my first) and totally experienced so much of what you did! ended up having a c-section (never ever expected it), adore breast feeding and look forward to cuddling up with my little girl and her daddy every night in bed! took a while to ignore what others say and just know that what I am doing is great for my baby and for me, but once I could do that all was perfect. Motherhood is the most amazing experience imagineable and it’s great to know that we really come equipped with so much of the knowledge without knowing we have it at all! trust your instincts and enjoy the ride, i just wish it wasn’t going so quickly!
The power of positive thinking doesn’t always work! That, and be responsible and research all aspects of birth beforehand because you never know what nature might have in store for you!
[...] The Things I Didn’t Expect When I Was Expecting When I first got pregnant six years ago, the first thing I wanted to buy was What To Expect When You’re Expecting. It was the only book about pregnancy I’d ever heard of. As far as I was concerned, it was a woman’s pregnancy bible. And then, about half way through my pregnancy I heard about Dr. Sears’s The Baby Book and everything changed: I entered the world of attachment parenting. Except that I was already there and just never knew my values had a name. [...]