I’ve recently started working towards not nursing my youngest daughter to sleep. She’s two and a half and I’m at the point where I’d like to be able to go out of the house once in awhile past 8:00 without worrying about how my daughter is going to fall asleep without me. Because she never has. Once when I worked an on-call mental health shift in the city (an hour away) I didn’t get home until after midnight. I arrived to find her still awake, watching tv with my husband. “She absolutely refused to go to sleep without you,” he told me.
But then suddenly a couple weeks ago something shifted. I went out one night and returned to find out that she had actually let her dad put her to bed and she had fallen asleep without me. The next day we gave her tons of praise and remarked at what a big girl she was. Accordingly, she was very proud of herself. So every few nights since then, after a bit of protest and a million hugs and reassurance from me that I will climb into bed next to her later, we’ve purposely had daddy put her to bed. She’s fallen into her own little routine of saying goodnight, having us leave the door open and then looking at a book by herself with the lamp on, then falling asleep. I get to have some quiet time to myself for a couple hours and then arrive to find her sleeping soundly, her angelic lips parted slightly, her sweet little hands actually folded under her cheeks. I pause. The image tugs at my heartstrings. The gentle transition towards night weaning has begun.
But now that she’s beginning not to need me, I’m starting to miss it. Last night for instance, even though I really needed some physical space and time to unwind after a particularly stressful day, a part of me wanted to nurse her to sleep. I probably should have, but I was in a bit of a bad mood, tired of being pawed at, and just wanted everyone to go to bed. But that rush of serenity-inducing hormones would have been good for me. She protested more than usual too. I guess she could tell I was stressed and needed me to reassure her that everything was okay. Poor thing. In retrospect I wish I’d done things differently.
But of course once I crawled into bed she woke up and wanted to nurse almost every hour. Suddenly my heart wasn’t breaking anymore. I wished she was in her own bed, in her own room, and that I was sleeping a dream-filled sleep like all the childless people of the world.
It’s a process, night weaning. An emotional teeter-totter for both of us it seems. I’m glad we’re on the slow track because it looks like both mom and nursling need it.
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Tags: bed-sharing, nighttime parenting, weaning
I think if we let things go naturally, as you are, we are able to accept change much easier. A few months ago the thought of my daughter starting to eat solid food and not needing me so much during the day made me wistful. But now that she’s 10 months, I’m starting to look forward to daytime weaning so I don’t have to pump at work anymore. It seems whenever I think I will be so sad about the next developement, I’m actually happy and excited when it acutally happens.
My 17 month old didn’t nurse to sleep for the first time about a week ago and I sobbed for an hour after he fell asleep. I looked back and saw signs of this coming and I was proud of his independence and security, BUT…my heart was broken because our relationship was changing — into the unknown.
He’s back to nursing to sleep again, but our bedtime routine is getting easier (less singing & “other side” playing) and only taking 10-15 min vs. 30-40 min. Something is happening and I think I just needed that one BIG cry to prepare myself for the inevitable. The changes just keep coming and it’s all good!
Thank you for this post.
I know how you feel. Just before I found out I was pregnant, I resorted to not offering. If she wanted to nurse she would come to me.
I still can’t believe she weaned herself about a month after I found out I was pregnant. I think it was only because my milk dried up.
I miss our nursing relationship way more than I thought I would!
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Oh, it’s so hard to see these changes! I keep wondering when the night weaning will come for us (also 2.5 years old here). I think about it both longingly and achingly. Hugs to you in this process!
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I think it’s extra hard because she’s the last baby so when this is over it’s over for good. I go back and forth between wanting her weaned and loving the closeness of this bonding time. Such a see-saw of emotions!
I can’t even imagine that yet! (But I get sad thinking about it.)
When I went with my sister to have her baby a few weeks ago, we got to the house around 10:30p.m. Kieran had slept in the car, but he wouldn’t go back down in the bed at my parents’ house. When we left for the hospital, he was up and playing with Tom. He was still up when I came home (after the baby was born) at 3:00a.m. Yikes! I think it will be awhile before he doesn’t nurse to sleep
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Julesy goes down without “the boobie” on the nights I’m in school, and I do miss it. I might miss it more if he EVER skipped a nursing session during the day, but the kid is an all-day-boob-o-holic. OY.
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My daughter (3 years 4 months) weaned herself completely a few weeks ago now, because I am pregnant and there is no more milk. Now she has a horrible cold, and I know that if we were able to continue nursing, she would be getting over it much faster. I feel so guilty, even though I know that still nursing wouldn’t help her much at this point because I have no milk for her, but still… it breaks my heart.
These little steps are so bittersweet, so back-and-forth. I remember sobbing when my first child started sleeping through the night because I sort of missed those middle of the night feedings, just the two of us. Getting sleep was better, but there’s always something wistful all the same.
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My daughter started transitioning out of nursing to sleep around 15 months – I think! I started popping her off the breast when she was almost asleep before her naps but was still nursing her right down at night for a while and it wasn’t long before she started pulling off and wanting daddy to read her books or to snuggle with him to sleep – I think because there wasn’t as much milk available and it just didn’t fill her tummy anymore!
We tried to nightwean near the beginning of my pregnancy and after a month of not nursing at night, she was still waking and crying 4 – 5 times a night. We decided it was just not time yet! When we tried again (about a month ago or so), she was at that point going down to sleep with my husband so much happier to accept his comfort in the middle of the night. It was only 2 – 3 nights of asking for ‘mup’ in the night before she got the hang of it and now she never asks. It’s the first thing she asks for in the morning, though!
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I feel the catch 22 that you describe…
At 21 months there are days that I think I can’t go on any longer, and days that I’m totally fine.
I have never once gotten the rush of serenity inducing hormones though!
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I waited to read this post because I’m going through similar changes with my little one. I thought I was ready to wean her nearly a year ago, but she wasn’t ready. Now she’s showing some signs of being ready and I’m not always ready.
I’m so thankful this is a slow transition for both of us, so we can each take our time changing our minds. For me too, this is expected to be our last child, so I feeling wistful about many of the changes I took in stride last time.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and the sweet picture.
Karen´s last blog ..Reducing Risk and Adding Benefit
@Karen – Yes, I sure am grateful for taking it slow too. We’ve actually gone back to nursing to sleep (it seems to mean less wake ups in the night) but it takes less time and even if she isn’t asleep when I tell her its time to stop nursing, she doesn’t fuss when I leave. So I still get to have some time to myself before I go to bed and she stays put.
I love that we’re on the same page with the gentle process of it all.
I am just getting caught up on your blog. My blog reading has substantially decreased lately and my reader has over 1000 posts waiting!
I loved this post. I nursed my older son until he was almost two. Somewhere around 21 months we were down to mornings, naps, and bedtime and at that time I actively weaned him off of nap nursing. It was a rough week, but finally he went down. And then for several more months we nursed at night and in the morning. One night he was distractedly nursing, popping on and off. He was almost two, and VERY verbal. Finally asked him if he wanted nursies or to read books with his dad. And he jumped up and said, “read books with daddy!” and ran to get his dad. Ah well.
And then about a week later, he was doing the same thing in the morning. And I asked him, “Do you want to nurse or get up?” And he wanted to get up. But I told him that if he wanted to get up, that was perfectly fine, but that we would not nurse any more. And he still wanted to get up. So, suddenly, I was done. I wasn’t too unhappy as I was five months pregnant with my second son.
Interestingly, the evening BEFORE he gave up the bedtime nurse, he nursed solidly for 30 minutes. And the morning before he fully weaned, he nursed also for a really long time. Previously, it had been about 10 minutes in the morning, and that morning it was at least 25 or 30. I had, in fact, been complaining about it to a friend, and remembering the week previous when he had stopped the bedtime session.
The suddenness of the weaning was disconcerting, but, as I said, I was pregnant with No. 2, so wasn’t too stressed. I now wonder what will happen with this baby (who is 13 months old tomorrow). He is our last, as well, and I know it will be a bittersweet passage….
Kimberly´s last blog ..Winter Babywearing
THANK YOU. I really needed to read this tonight and I’m so glad I did. I night-weaned my 26 month old in December, but he still nurses to sleep. I’m happy that he’ll got back to sleep in the middle of the night on his own now, but I’m not ready to let go of the bed time nursing yet. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone..and that I don’t have to yet unless I know I’m ready!
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