My first birth was an unavoidable emergency cesarean section. For my second birth I was determined to do things my way. This meant a midwives assisted homebirth. This meant spending my labour baking a cake with my oldest daughter. This meant following my birth plan.
My second birth went very well. I had the homebirth I wanted. I made that cake with my daughter. But one thing that didn’t happen was having my midwives follow my birth plan when it came to the pushing stage of my labour.
*Why couldn't I have stayed like this?
I had expressed aloud and in my written birth plan that I wanted to give birth on my hands and knees so I could help catch my own baby. I said that I did not want to lay down to give birth, neither did I want to sit up. I wanted to work with gravity. My midwives told me that the hands and knees position can be a bit tricky as far as then turning around with a slippery baby in my arms and putting the baby skin-to-skin on my chest, but they assured me that they had assisted other women to do this and that they supported my plan.
My labour was an average 8 hour labour without any complications. While I did have some incredibly painful back labour and non-stop, no-rest-between-them contractions that caused me to throw up twice during transition, everything progressed smoothly.
I remember when transition was finally over. A sudden peace washed over me. A calm in the storm. I was 10 cms. They told me I was ready to push. Except I wasn’t. My body wasn’t. I didn’t feel the urge. My midwife decided that this would then be the perfect time to instruct me “how” to push.
“Let’s have some practice sessions,” she told me. “You know, to get things going!”
“Huh?”
I didn’t think I needed any instructions on how to push. I watched her in disbelief as she showed me how to lift my leg, curl into a ball, hold my breath during a contraction and press against my leg while pushing. Like an freaking acrobat.
“I’m not lifting my own leg! I’m not giving birth this way. I want to roll over,” I told them.
I don’t remember much about their response except that they basically said I was in a great semi-sitting position that works well for many women (it even happens to be the preferred birthing position of a friend of mine). They made it obvious that it would be too much trouble for everyone to turn me over. But I didn’t want to push yet! There was still time to get up! Yes, it would have felt awkward but I was counting on these women to follow my plan. But no one helped me up. Too exhausted and surprised by their response, I did what I was told.
*Just before I started pushing
“Trust us,” they said. “It’s easier this way.” So I trusted them. And finally the urge to push arrived and I got the hang of it and it felt great. For the most part I followed my own insticts and pushed when I felt the urge. When I was in the trenches of the pushing stage I pretty much ignored everyone and everything except that instinct to get the baby out. For my first natural birth I only pushed for 20 minutes before my second daughter was born. I felt pretty powerful. I forgot about my failed birth plan and enjoyed my accomplishment. An HBAC. My controversial birth had been successful and I was elated.
Fast forward post-endorphin rush I started to give more thought to what had happened. I hated to complain because having a homebirth after my cesarean was an amazing, self-affirming, and healing experience. But if there had been one thing I would have done differently it would have been insisting on turning over. It would have been making my husband help turn me over if they wouldn’t, or doing it myself. It would have been screwing their pushing instructions tutorial.
Our bodies know how to give birth. Women instinctively know how to push out their babies. I knew that pushing would be an intuitive force and that working with gravity either on all fours, kneeling, or standing would be easiest on my body and reduce the chance of tearing (I had a small tear that needed a couple stitches). I recall a delighful post called Stand and Deliver? There’s No Stopping Her at Stork Stories…Birth and Breastfeeding that tells of a very tall woman (like me) whose doctors couldn’t stop from following her body’s cues, who ended up standing on her hospital bed to birth her baby. I’m envious of that woman. I wish I had fought my way up too.
Later, my midwives told me that my contractions had been powerful enough on their own that I could have given birth without actively pushing. It was at this point I became aware of how paralysed women can successfully give birth. Their bodies just know how!
What kept them from helping me to get upright then? All I can think of is that they thought they were helping to keep me comfortable and that they didn’t want to burden me when I was already so tired and in pain. I assume the reason maternity nurses give bottles to newborns of mothers who want to breastfeed comes from the same kind of place. A kind of ignorant kindness towards the new mom.
I forgive them. I forgive myself. And my homebirth did heal the residual emotional scars of my cesarean. But IF I could have done one thing different it would have been to get out of the position that wasn’t comfortable for me and deliver my baby the way I wanted to.
This post has been submitted to the Healthy Birth Blog carnival at Science and Sensibility on the topic “Avoid giving birth on your back and follow your body’s urges to push.”
*Forgive the blurry pictures. Sadly, all of the photos we took of my homebirth turned out this way.
Related posts:
- The Most Bizarre Case of Almost-Undiagnosed HSV and My Cesarean Birth Story
- Effects of Medicated Birth on Breastfeeding
- Happy Birthday Baby! A Birth Story
Tags: birth plans, emergency cesarean, HBAC, homebirth, midwife, midwives, vaginal birth after cesarean, VBAC
Thank you for sharing this story! YeES and amEN to what you say–I had a VBAC too with midwives and had a very similar experience during the pushing stage. I wanted so badly to get up and over but didn’t. Though I didn’t voice my desires like you did–talk about disempowering! In fact, my midwives let me push without direction for about an hour until I asked them for help/direction because I couldn’t get the hang of it. If my body knew how to do it, it wasn’t telling me!!! [Lol, tongue sort of in cheek!!] They had me on the toilet, on the birthing stool, on my knees, on my side, and finally on my back, which was finally the key to getting my baby to ‘turn the corner’–the hard part for me to come to terms with was that after he turned the corner, I wasn’t encouraged to try any other position and I was too focused to get up without being directed to, even though my body kept telling me to get up and squat. I even heard my midwife at one point say, “I want her in a more upright position,” but she didn’t say it to me or facilitate it, and although I wanted to, I didn’t say anything, and it just didn’t happen! It was the thing I wished I’d done differently, despite a very triumphant VBAC. I can relate to the “I don’t want to complain, but…” feelings! Because VBAC or HBAC are hugely triumphant and amazing and empowering!!!
You know, I think many women would change things about the way they gave birth–you can’t have the perfect birth no matter what. We do it as well as we can at the time. And that is the best anyone can do.
You’re awesome.
I relate.
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Perspective =-.
p.s. I’m sorry your midwives discouraged you from doing what your body was wanting to do during pushing. That sucks. I’m sure they meant well, like you say.
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Perspective =-.
Thank you for writing this, and sharing the way in which things didn’t go the way you wanted. If I get my chance at a homebirth (I have to freaking get pregnant first which IS NOT HAPPENING GRRRR) then I’ll keep these things in mind. I’ll make sure that the doula and husband know that if ANYBODY ANYBODY ANYBODY tries to get me to do something I don’t wanna then there will be hell to pay. But I do trust the woman I’ve chosen to attend my HBAC. My doula birthed with her, and she showed me pictures of other births she’s been at, and the midwife is completely hands off. It’s great. I only hope I get the chance to see for myself!
.-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..Eating Only What Great-Grandma Would Recognize =-.
Amen! Same here, I pushed on my side laying down, but before that I was comfortable laboring on the toliet with a strong urge to push. Next time I’m getting a birthing stool or maybe having my waterbirth I didn’t get, and NOT pushing on a bed laying down just because my midwives helped me over there!
I had a similar issue with the hospital birth of my first daughter. I wanted that kneeling position too, but had to be on my back for an examination – and never managed to get up again. The midwife tried to help (she did follow my birth plan to the word, it was me who through it out of the window during transition), but I was in too much pain, it just didn’t happen. Second stage, as a consequence, turned out to be very long and I never got the urge to push, never was coached to push (as written in my birth plan – and I think in my case that might have helped avoid the instrumental birth I had in the end). I’ve only written up my birth story a couple of days ago – three years after the event
I’m hoping for a VBAC (actually hoping I can do like 5 of them!) so it is great to hear stories of successful ones. And at home too! Oh my goodness-were you
scared about being at home where there was no surgery team in case of rupture, etc.? I’m scared of having a VBAC at all at this point (but I’m still gonna do it even if I’m scared…I’m scared and determined!)
.-= Maman A Droit´s last blog ..Nest Cookies =-.
Wow Mel~ that is a powerful story. I applaud you for the beautiful sensitive way you told your story recognizing some possible reasons why things happened as they did and forgiving yourself above all. You are a beautiful person. I think your descriptive words “Ignorant Kindness” will now be used in my efforts to help educate the staff about unnecessary interventions. Very Apropos. Thanks for the pingback! I think about that lady a lot as I see more and more 70′s flashback births…It’s driving me crazy!
.-= StorkStories´s last blog ..Sponsor Me at March for Babies! =-.
I had a home birth 3 months ago today. 100 times better than my hospital birth (Where i was in an sitting position with my knees next to my ears, told when to push, then cut to make the doctor’s job easier). I did do a water birth and was able to squat in the water. It really shortened my birth canal. I could feel the baby’s head just inside my vagina. And, I had planned on only pushing when I felt the urge, but when I felt how close the baby was to being born, I just pushed her out.
I was very lucky to have a short labor (which I attribute to being home and never sitting down while in labor) and a midwife who listened to me. I have a blog post where I talk about the birth.
http://lifeonjamesstreet.blogs.....rlies.html
Sorry I don’t know how to hyperlink.
While my midwife was go with the flow, she wouldn’t have done a VBAC. Weird huh? So, it is great that your midwife supports VBAC. I really try to talk homebirth up. Most women say they need the drugs and could never imagine a natural birth. It makes me sad they won’t even consider something so wonderful. THanks for the post. I love to hear other people’s birth stories.
.-= georgine´s last blog ..Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail…… =-.
beautiful story!!! I understand completly how healing having a VBAC is after a c-section. I went through the same thing myself. And I understand your birth plan not being following. And it’s so hard to argue after the pain of transition! lol
thanks for sharing!
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Candy Land =-.
I had an opposite experience actually. When I finally got to 10cm and felt the urge to push, my nurse (who was AMAZING) encouraged me to try on my hands and knees, on my knees, and any other position I wanted. Unfortunately, I was so tired by that point (I had been in labor for 2 days and had just had to lay on my back for 2 hours because my cervix swelled and it had to reopen) that I wound up delivering on my back. I’m not upset by that, though I had figured I would delivery on my knees. I had a huge tear, but that’s more from my doctor and nurse encouraging me to have this baby NOW before I totally lost all energy. I have one adorable 15 month old boy out of it, so it was all worth it! Thanks for sharing your story!
You would expect that in a hospital, but not at home. Sorry you went through that. It’s s good thing you were able to forgive them and yourself.
I have not been able to write about the birth of my 1st daughter. I still get so upset whenever I try.
I think it’s awesome that you got your VBAC
.-= Darcel´s last blog ..Easter 2010 =-.
Darcel – It took me over four years and more courage than I thought I could ever muster to write my first birth story. So don’t be hard on yourself. And don’t write it if you aren’t ready. Things like that take time.
I love your VBAC story. I don’t think any birth goes exactly perfect. I, too, had some things I would’ve asked to be different–like my midwife talking on the phone while I was pushing in the very last stages…….But your right–why write a birth plan if it is ignored last minute? You need to have the birth you visualize. Thanks for sharing this piece.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..Betcha didn’t know……. =-.
I’m so sorry that your wishes weren’t respected. That’s no fun.
Ironically, I had almost the opposite experience with my 2nd birth. I delivered my 1st child semi-sitting, and found it comfortable. (Or, you know, as comfortable as childbirth could possibly be).
With my 2nd I wound up on my hands and knees and did NOT like it. While everyone was willing to help me move, my body was already actively pushing and I couldn’t manage it. I was just in a place where moving felt impossible. I think the critical difference is that I don’t feel that I was coerced, it was just the way it played out. And it goes to show that following a woman’s own cues, and letting her choose her own position, is best. While I didn’t like hands and knees, that really doesn’t mean anything about how anyone else would prefer to birth.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Everything Old is New Again =-.
It always surprised me to hear about a midwife (esp. one who does homebirths) who advises a woman to do something like that – but I suppose midwives aren’t perfect
I’m so glad you had your HBAC, it is a beautiful story!
.-= Dionna´s last blog ..Project: Spring Green =-.
[...] Moms Unite planned a home birth and wrote a birth plan and still got told what to do. In her birth story, she recalls, “I remember when transition was finally over. A sudden peace washed over me. A [...]
Really?! Is it such a big deal?!Emotional scars of C section ? Come on!! Are you not glad that the CSection procedure saved you and your baby?! And I dont think you have forgiven anyone. If you truely had forgiven the midwives, you would not have written all of this story in such a judgemental manner! Poor midwives- they were trying to help you! Not fulfil some esoteric dream of yours based on some idealist idea of a ‘perfect birth’! Lady, look at your healthy baby and be happy. Forget the labor!
Sorry you got a jerk on your blog, Melodie. I know how important the experience is. You’ll never forget the way you give birth.
.-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..A Letter to My Friend with Breastfeeding Struggles =-.
@TFB – I was choosing to ignore her. It’s obvious to me that she has more of an issue with this subject than I do. I don’t think I was judgmental towards my midwives at all. And she wasn’t very on topic. This post was about my HBAC not my cesarean. Whatever. I’m fine. I left her comment up because it takes all kinds and she’s the one who looks ignorant here. Not me. But I love that you came back and left another comment. Thanks for going up to bat for me. You rock girl. xx