This post is written for inclusion in the Carnival of Gentle Discipline hosted by Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries. All week, April 26-30, we will be featuring essays about non-punitive discipline. See the bottom of this post for more information.
I am a physical person. I’m the type who, if I feel comfortable with you, will touch your arm at points in our conversation. If we’re close, I might rub your leg if you’re crying, or even slap it if you say something funny in a gesture of appreciative glee. I have no trouble getting up and dancing if I’m in a good mood and the music is right. If you’re open to hugs I can be a very huggy person too. If my husband says something to purposely annoy me (in a joking way), I might try to kick his butt as he leaves the room. Or lightly punch or smack him in the arm. Wrestling is commonplace between us. I usually try to punch his arm while he tries to tickle me. He’s stronger so he usually wins. Afterwards we have a good laugh.
This is who I am.
In the same vein, because being physical comes naturally for me, when my kids misbehave, and my brain is fried, and I’m at the end of my rope, sometimes my natural reaction is to want to swat their bottoms.
I was spanked as a child. I even had wooden spoons broken over my bum. I recall some of the times I was spanked and remember feeling helpless, confused and scared. Yes, it was probably more commonplace back then. Dr. Spock was the parenting guru of my early years and he recommended it. The strap had only just been banned in schools and I remember my Grandparents lamenting the erasure of this discipline technique. My Grandma still advises me when my kids “misbehave” to give them “a good paddy-whack.”
Before we had kids, my husband and I agreed we would not spank our children. He has a son from a previous marriage who was never spanked, and all the years I’ve known him from age eight to sixteen he has been nothing but a kind, considerate, gentle, and loving boy.
When my first daughter was born she cried all. the. time. When she learned to speak she screamed. She still prefers to screech and whine and cry than use her words.
Those first two years were very hard, but not once did I ever think to spank her or put her in a crib to cry it out. Okay, once I tried to let her cry it out but that lasted about 20 minutes and I never did it again. People told me I had the patience of a saint. Some still say so. But once she reached the age of two my hand got twitchy. I found myself, my body, wanting to lash out at her.
In retrospect I wonder if weaning had something to do with it. When she cried as a baby I just “put a boob in her mouth” and she calmed down almost immediately. Although she didn’t wean until her third birthday, once she hit two or two and a half we were nursing much less during the day. Since I was pregnant, my milk was drying up too and she was nursing for comfort. I don’t know if this contributed to my having less patience, but it’s a thought. Anyway…
Times like these I’ve learned to give myself a time out. I literally have to leave the room. Leave her screaming and crying until I can pull myself together to talk to her again. And usually the short break helps her calm down too. She sees that she is hurting me and when we come together again we can both do so in love. We greet each other with a hug and kind, comforting words. Then I talk to her at eye level. I ask her if she knows what she did wrong. At five she can usually tell me. We come up with a solution together. There is praise and hugs. We part, both of us feeling better.
I have horrible guilt around my urges to hit my child. I used to wonder what happened to my saintly patience. Was it just a state of mind? Where did it go?
I have patience with all the other children I come into contact with. My daycare charges could pour a bucket of paint on my kitchen floor, shove one another into it, break my finest china and start biting each other’s legs and I’d hardly bat an eye. And yet my girls get to me. But I’ve stopped beating myself up over it. I’ve started looking at myself in more human terms. I’m not a saint. I’m a regular mom who values gentle discipline and practices it, but whose oldest daughter doesn’t respond positively to much of any kind of discipline and knows how to push my buttons. I have hard days sometimes.
It’s second nature to me to feel drawn to spanking because I was spanked. It’s how I was taught to discipline via what was modeled for me. I should actually feel quite good about myself because I know better and can prevent the unleashing of the mama beast within. But I often wonder, how do other moms deal with this?
Is spanking still so prevalent because most parents can’t restrain themselves? Because they can’t see any other way? Because hurting their children is just easier than the alternative? I know it’s hard. I get it. But I don’t want my kids to grow up remembering feeling confused, hurt, betrayed and/or helplessness like I did. I want my kids to grow up with a mom they can dance with when the music is right. Who will touch my arm when they speak to me, slap my knee in amusement and hug me without effort because hugs and kisses come second nature to who they are.
What are your thoughts on this subject? I’d love to hear them.
Welcome to the Carnival of Gentle Discipline
Please join us all week, April 26-30, as we explore alternatives to punitive discipline. April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month in the USA and April 30th is Spank Out Day USA. In honor of this we have collected a wonderful array of articles and essays about the negative effects of punitive discipline methods, like spanking, and a myriad of effective alternatives.
Are you a Gentle Parent? Put the Badge on your blog or website to spread the word that gentle love works!
Links will become available on the specified day of the Carnival.
Day 1 – What Is Gentle Discipline
- Gentle Discipline 101 at The Parent Vortex
- The Power of Praise (hint: it’s not what you think) at Mighty Marce
- Golden Rule Parenting at Novel Mama
Day 2 – False Expectations, Positive Intentions, and Choosing Joy (coming Tuesday, April 27)
- Choosing Joy at Raising My Boychick
- Making It Fun – The Power of Play at Schmoopy Baby
- Assuming the Best Intentions at Hobo Mama
Day 3 – Choosing Not To Spank (coming Wednesday, April 28)
- 50′s Childhood – Guest Poster, Connie at Baby Dust Diaries
- I Have The Urge To Spank But I Choose Not To at Breastfeeding Moms Unite
- Mistakes at Breastfeeding Momma
- Undermining General Beliefs about Corporal Punishment at Authentic Parenting
- Choosing Gentle Discipline at Hybrid Life
Day 4 – Creating a “Yes” Environment (coming Thursday, April 29)
- A Tiny Word With a Powerful Impact at Little Green Blog
- Parenting a Toddler With Loving Guidance at Little Snowflakes
Day 5 – Terrific Toddlers; Tantrums and All (coming Friday, April 30)
- A Positive View on Tantrums at Edenwild
- The Terrible Two (and Two Parenting Strategies to Replace Them) a guest post by Code Name: Mama on Good Goog
- Gentle Parenting During Toddler Tantrums at Typical Ramblings, Atypical Nonsense
- Gentle Parenting Ideas from a Toddler’s Perspective at Code Name: Mama
No related posts.
Tags: gentle discipline, spanking
We spank as a last resort. I really don’t like doing it and am trying to phase it out because it’s as ineffective with our 3 yr old as time out and taking away privileges is. I think the reason it’s hard to take out sometimes is that it atleast releases some of your own frustration at the situtation. Which sounds horrible, because it is.
I too was spanked as a child and though I don’t recall being fearful or confused as to why, I also don’t really think it solved much either.
I’m grateful for this post of yours!
Abigail´s last blog ..Two newest creations
I did a similar post. i was spanked as a child but have never spanked my daughter. i think parents spanked because (1) it gets the child’s attention; and (2) it “shocks” them into stopping what they’re doing; and (3) as abigail says, it releases frustration
Jenny´s last blog ..Compilation of Breastfeeding Quotes
I too was spanked as a child, had wooden spoons broken over my behind and occasionally felt my Dad’s belt across my butt. In fact, when my Dad used to start undoing his belt buckle, I was GONE (WHOOSH!)
My husband and I are successful at not spanking about 99% of the time. The few times that we have “lost it”, it was awful. For everyone. I too don’t think it solves anything.
Your kids know how to push your buttons better than anyone else. They think it is funny when you get mad (something that I find helpful to remember).
My 5YO has a “chore chart” (pick-up her toys, use her words, share with her sister, etc). When she has completed all 7 chores in a day, she gets a bit of money for her wallet. When she misbehaves, I remove some of the money. I’ve found this is the most effective of any discipline that I’ve tried. I guess I’m raising a capitalist (lol).
It’s interesting because, although we place ourselves in the “Not Spanking” category, my husband and I have both resorted to a butt smack on several occasions in our journey as parents. I find that it comes about when I reach the end of my creativity as a parent in dealing with teaching something I consider really important or extremely frustratingly repetitive. Which says volumes about me, not my children! When I reach the end of my rope, that is when I have spanked. Which also says to me that as parents we need tons of support and nurturing ourselves, and tons of resources and ideas at our disposal for teaching our kids, so we don’t get to the ‘end’ very often, and when we do we will have a plan as to what to do.
But honestly, I didn’t know what else to do when I found my ‘temporarily’ hearing impaired child (long story) biting his brother to bleeding for the fourteenth time, during the dinner rush, when I was tired and distraught and overwhelmed!!!! Words were not working! Time outs were not working! Focused attention was not working! He was too underdeveloped to understand a rewards chart/complex system!
In retrospect I can come up with lots of ideas, but I can also empathize with myself in that moment, ykwim?
Anyways, we try really hard to be “No Spanking” parents, and I think we’re doing a pretty good job. We don’t always succeed but we do the vast majority of the time!
Great post.
I also wanted to add that although I was spanked when I was a child, I never resented it. I never felt helpless, confused, or sad like you did. I don’t feel that I was damaged by it, but I do feel that there are better, gentler, kinder ways to raise a child and that it doesn’t make sense to teach non violence and then model it in my discipline. So I choose not to spank.
As for guilt, I have had a long, long, loooooong battle with it, much of it involving those incidences where I have resorted to spanking. I’ve finally come to terms with it and decided that I am doing the best I can, and that it is enough. Absolutely, it is enough. My children know in the core of their hearts that they are loved, and how my daily life manifests itself can vary in its methods, so long as that remains true.
And my children will improve upon the foundation of parenting I have laid for them, I’m sure. Which actually makes me feel good! It used to make me feel like a failure. But it doesn’t anymore.
Melissa´s last blog ..Why I Chose a Midwife for Round 3
I read a study once that said that most new parents had decided not to spank, but it sorta just happened on its own (European study).
I think for a lot of people it is either something they don’t thonk about and just go with it as it occurs, for others, it is clinging onto beliefs of their proper childhood and then as that study said, it just happened.
It does take a lot sometimes to restrain yourself… I don’t really have difficulties ‘not spanking’, but I do react to my frustration, in crying out or getting worked up… It is difficult to deal with those emotions
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Great post, Melodie!
I feel the same way you do – except I can’t say that I haven’t smacked my daughter’s hand or bum once or twice. Every time I’ve done it, I’ve felt ABSOLUTELY AWFUL. But, like a PP said, it’s normally at the end of the day and a repetitive, frustrating behaviour is not responding to any other attempts at discipline. (ie. we had a friend over and Gwen, although well rested and just had a snack, was pushing the little boy. Again, and again. And again and again and again. I was at my wits’ end and I smacked her hand while saying “No hitting” And I realized how ridiculous it was.
Sigh.
I’ve never tried to “punish” her by taking something away (unless she’s being destructive to something, and then I remove it for safety’s sake) or with a time out. I truly believe that punishment is really unnecessary, but in those frustrating moments, my goodness do I just want to lash out with my body! It’s interesting that you describe yourself as a physical person – I would describe myself the same way!!!!
Kim´s last blog ..International Doula Month!
I was rarely spanked, but my sisters had it worse – and I was a witness. A reluctant witness, definitely. I remember crying in bed at night, wishing I could go in and save them.
And yet, still, I’ve *felt* that near-compulsion to swat Kieran’s butt. I’ve never done it, NEVER want to. I’m working on what you do – removing myself from the situation, reminding myself it’s ME.
Two things I find helpful to remember sometimes:
I am in control of my emotions.
My son does not control me.
Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Dirt & Discipline
Thank you for such a refreshing, honest, raw and passionate post. I get those urges too – I’m just SO at the end of my tether I want to lash out. I look to nature for many of my answers and you know the mammals DO lash out! My cat will give a quick swipe and a hiss. The sheep kick their babies away when they have had too much to feed.
I hold myself back, and like you go to another room for some time out. Then come back in, breathe and reconnect. I remember that when I want to lash out there is some need of my own that isn’t being met, so I figure out a way to give that to myself as soon as I can.
You’re awesome; I love what you are doing and how you shared it so beautifully.
Mrs Green @ littlegreenblog.com´s last blog ..Giving and getting stuff for free
I was spanked but it not’s something that I’ve ever resented. I never felt a real sense of fear or shame. If it’s even possible to “appropriately spank”, then my parents did that. But still I’ve chosen not to do the same with my own child. He’s only 20 months so I honestly have not yet felt much of an urge to spank (except maybe when I am sleep-deprived!) but I know that it will come. And I really wonder if I would feel that if I had not been spanked. I think of my friends who grew up in no-spanking households – I don’t think that they feel that same urge. I’m hoping to break the cycle with my own kids.
Liz´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Enjoying the Garden
My thoughts on spanking are complicated and before I say one word I want to say that the way I feel about it pertains ONLY TO ME. I have issues with the idea of spanking. I came from a family where I was hit – not spanked and there really is a difference. I was hit and hit often. Maybe I did something wrong, maybe I didn’t. Either way I got hit. And always out of anger. Anger at me, anger at my dad, anger at my step-dad, anger at the world it did not matter. If she was angry she hit me. And therefor I will not hit my kids.
That said I do not know that I think spanking is the same as abuse. I think spanking CAN be done in a disciplinary way that is not abuse. Like you describe being a physical person – you hit your husband when he annoys you. Yes, it is playful but the physicality is still there (I do this too so I’m not judging just making a point) – maybe some children are physical as well and will respond to it. However, the problem comes in because, as you describe, when our children describe we get angry. And then a spanking is in danger of becoming hitting. And that is what I have a problem with. Hitting.
But I do not trust myself. I do not trust myself not to lose my temper and hit. And therefor I never spank. More to avoid the hitting than out of a real aversion to spanking. Well, that and I find there are plenty of other things you can do to discipline a child that work just as well. However, I do know people who spank and they are good people. Some of the calmest I know and really I do not think of them as being bad simply for spanking. So, it really is a complicated subject.
Upstatemomof3´s last blog ..Jillian Michaels Bad Adoption Quote
This is a tough question. Because clearly there’s a line where physical force becomes inappropriate-the question is where that line is! I always thought of spanking in similar terms to swatting a puppy on the nose (I’m assuming other people do that too-I guess I don’t really know though!). You don’t do it to hurt the puppy or out of anger, but to get the puppy’s attention and help the puppy understand whatever he or she just did is not ok. Since you can’t reason with a puppy, you have to get them to understand a different way. But obviously kids aren’t puppies, and have much more capacity for reasoning. So I’m not sure where I stand on this. I guess I just hope that I can get Baby and any future siblings to be good kids without needing to spank them. It’ll certainly not be one of the first things we try!
Maman A Droit´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday
I have never spanked my daughter (4.5) but I’ll admit in the past 6 months or so, it’s been very tempting sometimes – she can be so defiant. I was spanked, and slapped, and it definitely is part of “me”. Unlike some people though, it definitely did hurt me permanently. I don’t hit adults (or dogs for that matter) and so I don’t hit children. But yeah, there are times when it’s my first reaction, and I have to walk away, quickly.
Now to stop shouting… that’s my goal.
I was never spanked as a child, although my step-sisters were and I know lots of other people that were as well. When I had kids I vowed I would never spank either. And I stuck by my word right up until my daughter was born.
My son hated my daughter with a passion. He tried to kick and punch her any chance he got and it got really really bad. We tried just about everything to stop him and explain that this was not acceptable behaviour – especially with a new born baby. The number of time outs he had got to the point that he was in them in some form for hours out of the day.
After weeks and weeks, I decided I was going to spank him the next time he did it. And I did. And it was as horrible and guilt-inducing as you can imagine. And the crazy thing is it worked. I spanked him on three different occasions all for hitting his baby sister and then he stopped.
I haven’t had to do it again. Time outs work just fine for everything else. And for that I’m very grateful.
Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last blog ..Afternoon Tea: Wednesday of Few Words
@Mrs Green – I thought about the reality of mammals lashing out at their young too. In fact I recently left a comment over at Blue Bird Mama about how I feel it is more natural to me to have the urge to spank than let a child CIO. When my child cries I want to hold her and make things better. When she won’t listen after repeated attempts at working through the problem I want to swat her (to make things better.)
@Melissa and Liz – It is interesting to me that you never felt the same feelings I did around being spanked. Maybe it is because I remember anger being attached to it rather than a “this-is-the-rule-and-you-broke-it-so-this-this-is-your-consequence” kind of thing. We’re your parents really angry when they spanked you or more matter of fact about it?
@Upstatemomof3 – Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts here. Maybe that is a part of the reason I choose not to spank. Maybe it is about being afraid of losing my temper and responding to the urge to lash out and hit. Maybe spanking if done “right” (if there *is* a right way which I am not sure there is) isn’t done in anger. I don’t know. It always was done that way when I was a child.
Stopping by to say Hi from the MBC follow club!! I’m a new follower! Follow me at http://alittlesugar-n-spice.blogspot.com Great blog BTW, love it, I breastfed my older son til age 3 and plan to with my twins who are almost 8 months!!!!:) Brit
I think part of my frustration is I picture my day going a certain way…and then it almost never does. And each time something happens that cause my day to change I get a little more tense. Which in turn makes anything my son does just terrible! Which in reality he is just being a little boy and I need to lighten up a bit.
I also have to leave a room to calm down. I think its good to know your breaking point so you don’t do something you will regret.
Alexandra´s last blog ..Mistakes
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Wow! very powerful! I agree that the anger behind the spanking is the cause of the trauma. I remember knowing that my Dad felt bad. And I thing that he hit me because he was frustrated that I wasn’t listening. Now as a Grandmother I am so glad that Aellyn isn’t being spanked, or shown anger, or being left to cry. I’m even glad that she sleeps with her parents. She is the happiest child I have ever seen. I did all those things to my children and I can tell you that spanking never accomplished anything. My grown child told me once that the most powerful thing I ever said to her was that I loved her very much but didn’t “like” her very much at that moment. Being honest about what I was feeling worked better than loosing my temper. I caught my girls kicking each other one morning while waiting for the school bus on our front porch. I told them when they hurt each other it was just like hurting me. It made a much better impression than knocking their head together to teach them not to hurt each other!!! I hope all of you find ways not to spank and get angry at your children – because believe me……they grow up so fast and you will miss them being small. I think you are all doing a great job
I understand not having any desire to hurt your baby, but then after a certain age, it’s like we just expect more of them, or something, or maybe we don’t see them as innocent and fragile, even though they still are. My son is only 21 months and I’ve had the urge to hurt him a number of time. Sadly, I have hurt him a few times, by grabbing him roughly. I feel so ashamed that I could do that to my innocent child whom I love so much, and really DO NOT want to hurt in any way whatsoever.
For those who don’t believe in physical punishment, but still succumb to that urge sometimes…I just feel we are really at the end of our ropes, and not in a healthy frame of mind. I don’t think that is the ‘real’ us, but rather a product of our upbringing. We have to forgive ourselves so that guilt doesn’t set in.
I find it useful to recognize that when I have these urges, it is because I am trying to control my child in some way. That’s when I need to change my perspective, remember that he is in charge of himself, and just go with the flow.
Lisa C´s last blog ..A Positive View on Tantrums
What an honest and moving post! I think we all can empathize with the huge responsibility it is to be a parent and the questions we have in trying to do the right thing. As a parent and teacher, some of the most effective techniques I found were using Montessori methods along with logical consequences whenever I could. Montessori methods helped my children and the ones I taught develop self-discipline, and that made everything so much easier! I wrote about it in my blog post yesterday.
Deb Chitwood´s last blog ..Is Spanking Necessary? My Answer from Experience is a Definitive NO
Mel;
I have thought about that question of why I never experienced spanking as a negative thing quite a bit. I think the answer is partly what you propose; my mom always spanked calmly and as a last resort, and with warnings (like, If you do that one more time I will spank you). On the few occasions I remember NOT being warned and her NOT being calm, were times when I was doing something incredibly dangerous and she was (a) scared for my life, and (b) trying to teach me that this was NON NEGOTIABLE because me testing the limits on that action could result in injury or death. Like, for example, when she found me hanging off the opposite side of the railing of our second story porch, over the cement driveway, hollering to show off for the neighbor boy.
So, other than a few times where I scared her shitless, my moms spanks were done in calmness and with warning. Which contributes to them not being a negative experience for me.
Another thing is that she was SO sure of herself. She never second guessed her *right* to spank me, and debated the issue hotly with her sisters, none of whom believed in spanking (including Sara’s mom). The fact that she felt so secure about her discipline methods actually was good, because her confidence made me trust her. I trusted that she knew what she was doing, and that she had something important to teach me if she was spanking me. She used a spatula to make it one step removed from hitting. She never spanked hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to sting. She only ever hit our hands, because she did not want us to feel shame or discipline in association with our private parts. And it worked. I think because she had a framework and was so sure of herself, this really helped frame it positively for me.
But the biggest component for me by FAR was that she and I had an emotionally responsive, close, securely attached relationship. My dad, who has always been more distant and disconnected and unpredictable in his acceptance of me, could do way more damage with an unkind word or a stony silence than my mom could do with a million spankings. Never once did my dad spank me because his father was physically abusive to him and his siblings. But he hurt me by not knowing me, whereas my mom didn’t hurt me by spanking me. Love and connection was the key, not methodology. So maybe rather than “To spank or not to spank,” a more important question is “Do we have a secure attachment?” I certainly know some attachment mommas who spank their kids, and I have great respect for their parenting overall, even though I don’t agree with the fact that they spank.
Anyways, some thoughts, since you asked
Melissa´s last blog ..Why I Chose a Midwife for Round 3
Both of my parents spanked in anger. It was never calm. How did it make me feel? Not shameful. I think it made me feel insecure. My Dad lived by the “never go to bed angry” rule and so ALWAYS came to talk to me (I think this was when I was a bit older) before he went to bed – to explain the “why’s” of his anger/punishment. I guess it made me feel a bit better, but it wasn’t until he passed away a few years ago that I realized how much he really loved me. As a result, I tell my girls that I love them all the time. (My Dad only told me maybe twice in my life – on my wedding day and when I was devastated after a break-up with a boyfriend).
I believe my parents did the best that they could and that I am trying to build on that and do a little bit better. I DO feel the urge to spank as that is how I was raised. Instead I find myself yelling (more than I feel comfortable with and which my parents ALSO did a lot of), issuing time-outs, taking privileges away, etc.
This parenting gig is a tough one!
Wendy Armbruster Bell´s last blog ..Snugabell Travels the Road to the Dragons Den Part II
@Lisa – I agree with your statement: “I understand not having any desire to hurt your baby, but then after a certain age, it’s like we just expect more of them, or something, or maybe we don’t see them as innocent and fragile, even though they still are.” I think that’s how I must feel about it too although I’ve never really put it into words like that before. For me, I wondered if it was the stage a toddler goes through in being two and experimenting in and with the world and also the loss of breastfeeding as a tool used to console when they are out of control. Breastfeeding is such a good tool for moms who need to cool down too. It’s like you can take a time out (or time in) with your child and both have a breather.
@Melissa and Wendy – Thank you so much for sharing your stories.
@Melissa – That makes a lot of sense to me having a secure attached relationship with your mother as to why you never felt insecure or angry about being spanked. I don’t think I have ever had a warmly secure relationship with my mom. She was a good mom overall. She didn’t do anything per se to make me feel like I had an insecure relationship with her, but I think the lack of demonstrative love shown towards me in words and action always made me feel like I was seeking her approval. And I never felt like I was good enough. So I am very glad for you that you have what you have with your mom.
Melodie´s last blog ..I Have The Urge To Spank But I Choose Not To
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We were spanked as children, but I can’t ever remember a time that it was done in anger. My parents always had the rule that spanking was reserved for deliberate rebellion, never for making mistakes or just being a child. As we got older it always involved a conversation as well about why we were being spanked. Some of our friends explain every time with their child that they are sinning not just against their parents, but against God as well. They need to ask for forgiveness from both, but they still receive a spanking. They’re trying to teach them that even if you’re sorry for your actions there are still consequences. I think making it a rule that you always sit down and have a conversation with them ensures that you never spank in anger.
Good post Melodie! I admit, I’ve spanked my kids on a few occasions (pretty rarely), but haven’t done so for years. I don’t really feel guilty about it though, and, in at least one instance, if I had to do it all over again, I would; the time that sticks most in my mind was the time I was on a road trip with Kelsey when she was 3, driving from Philly to NB to visit my brother John and his wife. Kelsey had a royal temper tantrum in the back seat while we were driving around 90 mph in heavy traffic on the freeway through Boston, and she picked up a wooden toy and beaned me hard in the back of the head with it. I nearly lost control of the car. In silence, I switched lanes several times to the side of the road… as I was slowing down and pulling over, dead silence fell in the back seat. I had almost never spanked her, so I don’t know how she knew what was coming, but I think she did. Anyway, there on the side of the road, she got a good couple of swats on the bum, and a lecture about never, ever throwing things at the driver again. And we never had another problem with her in the car after that. I don’t think she loves me any less today than she would otherwise because of that incident.
When I think back on that incident I get chills, not because of the recollection of the spanking, but because of the realization that we so easily could have been killed. If I had a three year old now with a repeat scenario, I would do exactly the same thing.
So, while I think that mindless spanking is pointless and verging on abuse, when you really need to get a kid’s attention when they’ve just done something life threatening and you need to make the lesson stick, it can work quite well to avoid repeat incidents. Depending on the personality of the kid of course; most parents can judge pretty well whether or not spanking is a good attention getter for a particular child, and for mine it worked but I think one of the reasons it probably worked was because I so rarely did it. Nearly all of our discipline of our kids is based on taking away privileges if they misbehave, rather than resorting to spanking. Things like taking away favourite toys for a few days to a week (prominently displayed on our dresser until they got it back as a constant reminder of what they are missing out on), or having them go to bed right after dinner if they misbehaved so much that the “count” got up to three (this worked *great* with Katie).
They are now 12 and 7, and we very rarely have to discipline them in any way anymore. We get tons of compliments about how well behaved, polite, kind, responsible, and socialized our kids are, so we must have done something right. I’d do it the same way all over again.
I could have written most of this post myself. I was spanked as a child, regularly and often. My parents never used a wooden spoon, but otherwise we have very similar experiences. And our firstborn daughters are also similar. Lots of crying, lots of screaming, lots of NOISE.
I have had what I call the ‘itchy hand’ more times than I can count. My triggers tend to be safety situations, like parking lots. I hate parking lots. I have that impulse, and I physically move my hand into my pocket or something. I have never spanked, and I’m glad about that.
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I have also felt the ‘itchy hand’ wanting to move towards violence when my buttons have been pushed too far. It’s a very scary feeling for me, to know that I have the capacity to hurt my child in anger. I was only spanked twice growing up, both times it was a big production – to make a point about the greatness of the offense I had committed. I don’t remember ever being hit out of anger, so I’m not sure where my urge comes from, other than I am also a very physical person and tend to express my feelings in a very physical way too. Thanks for such an honest post.
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Ok, first, I love Mom’s comment. Is that Paige’s mom? It does go fast, I’m finding as he gets older. I’m glad for the reassurance that being honest works better.
I find that my “itchy hand” comes out when I want my son to suffer as I am suffering. It’s a sort of retribution thing, a lashing out in response. In my rational moments, I know it’s not right and that it’s immature at best, but when I get very angry — yes, the best I can do is remove myself from the situation, even if that also causes some distress in the moment. I’m fortunate in that Mikko’s father is usually also around to be the calmer parent, so I’m not leaving Mikko entirely alone. It still feels immature to go storming off to my room, but it’s better than the alternative. Sigh.
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I was born in the deep deep south. I was spanked. Wooden spoons, hands, belts, “switches” aka small tree branches used as a whip. I can honestly say I don’t feel as if I was abused. Even still, I don’t think it was right. I don’t feel like it taught me to “do right”, it did teach me not to get caught.
Like you I’m a touchy person. I’m a play fighter, and hugger, a tickler. My daughter is just a year old and sometimes when she bites me while nursing I feel my arm wind up…like I’m about the smack her. WTF? Yeah, I don’t actually do it…but why is that my body’s first response. Maybe it has something to do with how I was raised? I don’t know…
What I do know, is that I don’t want Alexa’s gut reaction to pain/annoyance/etc to be to hit.
I’ve been trying to use my own words with her, reasoning if you will, since she was just a few months old. Explaining why I didn’t want her to do something (ie biting), because it hurts or whatever. I’ve been trying to train myself. Really hoping that by the time she’s 2 or 3 or 4 I’ve ending my own urges to give her a whack.
p.s. Mel.
I keep thinking about this post and subsequent comment conversation! I wonder what my two siblings would say about having been spanked? That would be interesting, to round things out. Maybe I’ll ask them!
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