Any of my old friends reading this are going to laugh at me. Or maybe just roll their eyes and shake their heads. But I’m not too concerned because they all know me. This is how I get sometimes. Nobody’s marriage is in peril, I’m not stuck in the past and unable to move forward. I’m just nostalgic me. I’m more concerned what some of my new and bloggy friends will think. In fact, I’m going to leave a warning right now.
WARNING: The following post may offend some people’s married sensibilities.
There. Now I feel better that you know what you’re getting into.
I usually don’t blog really personal stuff but feeling the way I do this morning, I just need to write and get this out.
This morning I woke up pining for my ex-boyfriend. Three hundred and sixty three days of the year I’m the good doting wife who couldn’t ask for a better husband, yadda yadda, but up to two days a year I painfully miss people who were once big loves in my life who no longer are. And you know what? (Already getting defensive – sorry) Missing having ex-loves doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t mean I want to leave my husband and be with them instead. It’s more akin, I think, to wishing someone who you loved who died, could be in your life again, just so you could even, like, say hello.
When I was a kid I liked watching those ‘long lost love’ reunion shows on Maury Povich and Ricki Lake. You know, some 40-something woman comes on stage and talks about her first true love and how he moved away and they promised to write but somehow they lost contact, but 20 years later she still loves him. Then lo and behold Ricki has the ex-significant other backstage and he awkwardly comes out with a bouquet of roses and they hug and giggle and oh, he’s single too! Then courtesy of the show they get a romantic dinner date on the town.
I used to wonder how, if two people loved each other so much, they could ever fall out of contact. I vowed that I would never lose contact with anyone I loved. For the most part that stands true. I’m one of the most loyal friends I know. Even the friends I’ve drifted apart from I know where they are. And I know where all my exes are. This is comforting to me because I loved them all very much and I would care very deeply if something bad ever happened to any of them.
But my first love has disappeared. I haven’t known his whereabouts since 2006. I haven’t talked to him for 9 years. Knowing where he was made it easier when we weren’t talking. But these past few years, my heart sometimes feels broken, like a piece of me is missing just in not knowing where he is.
I know, I know. Some of you must be thinking, “But you’re married! How could you talk like this?” Well, my heart is loyal to those it has loved. And the ones I still care about I never had a falling out with. We just broke up and moved on. Okay, it wasn’t that easy, but basically that’s what happened. We didn’t part hating each other. I believe when you give yourself to someone a part of you stays with that person and they with you. Unless something happens to ruin the ties, they can be bound even from afar.
I was together off an on with “B” for five years from the time I was 15 to 20. He had the hugest impact on my adolescence because there was no other guy I wanted to be with. He introduced me to the genre of music I still listen to, and he paved the way for all the others to follow. And by “all the others” I mean five, three of whom I knew through him, one of whom I fell in love with because he reminded me so much of him, and then my husband, who blazed his own trail. At 25 we hung out again for awhile and then I formed a deep friendship with his best friend and he felt like I had betrayed him and decided not to talk to me anymore. Over the next few years I found out from said friend how much he had loved me but never felt for reasons I won’t get into here that we could ever be together. I had always known he loved me but to the extent that he shared his feelings with his friend when he never made a big deal out of us to anyone but me, was very surprising. I could never have been with him long term anyway. It wouldn’t have been good for either of us. But that doesn’t erase the powerful feelings I had for him and the degree to which I miss him.
Anyway, back to the point of this post. I just miss my exes once in awhile. This one in particular since I have no idea where on Earth he is. Sometimes it’s badly enough to not want to get out of bed when I’ve had a dream about him. Badly enough to close my eyes and pretend I’m still asleep just so he’ll come back to me. I feel like Bella in New Moon, searching out risky adventures just to catch a glimpse of his face. I just saw that movie a few nights ago an the intensity of that first love bond was so familiar. But so distant. Thus, the pining I suppose.
My husband is very understanding of me. I was very introspective when I woke up and he asked me about it so I told him about my dream about trying to find him and no one, not even his family, knowing where he was. We talked about it for awhile and then I started crying! I was laying there sobbing and apologizing. Worrying about hurting his feelings. Wondering if it was my hormones and why at this point in my cycle I am so emotional. You know what his response was? “It doesn’t matter why. Just let it out.” And he held me. Oh, yes, there is a reason I married him! Respectful? Check. Good provider? Check. Wants kids? Check? Not the jealous type? Check.
After I got up I pulled out my old letters from him. Ones he wrote when he was 16. Ones he wrote when he was 20 and we were about to move in together. I found my old pictures of him and us. My youngest daughter looked over my shoulder and asked me “Is that Daddy?” and I laughed and told my husband. “I can see why she’d ask that,” he said. Yes. They have similar features. Same cheeks, I think.
I wonder if he’s alive or dead. I’ve tried to find him on Facebook to no avail. It’s not something he’d likely ever be interested in anyway. He and his old best friend have severed their ties so I can’t find him through him anymore. I could call his mom in our old hometown but I wouldn’t really know what to say. “Hi, this is Melodie. Remember me from 19 years ago? Yeah, just wondering if you know where your son is. I have no reason to get in touch with him except I just want to know where he is, if he’s okay, if he’s doing well, if he’s happy. Yeah, I’m just a bit of a stalker I guess…” Plus, she likely doesn’t know where he is either. They were never close.
As a cheap form of private investigation I’m going to put it out to you. Do you know a Benjamin Galbraith? I won’t divulge any personal information unless you do know one and want to contact me. He’s 37. He could be living absolutely anywhere.
If you, Benj are reading this. Just know I miss having you in my life. I miss knowing you. I love and care about you and I hope you are happy and well. ~ Love Mel.
Now to my shocked and appalled readers: Have I shocked and appalled you today? I’m in the boat, thankfully along with my husband, that it’s okay to still love someone you were once with. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be with the one you’re with now. And love doesn’t have to end for a relationship to end. But I personally have always felt like an outsider in feeling this way, so I’m interested in your thoughts and beliefs, even if they differ from mine. However, please note that disrespectful comments will be deleted.
It’s really great for me to read this because it’s how I feel about someone totally different in a different way, but the words describe the feelings of missing and not knowing so perfectly.
The people who cross our paths can affect us in such profound ways. Anyone who has truly shared their soul with someone else can relate to this agonizing heartsong you’ve put out. I hope that you can find him, at some point, to lay your mind at ease a little.
Love is not a finite resource.
.-= Katie B.´s last blog ..Snapshots in time =-.
Shocked and appalled? Never. I know exactly what you mean.
.-= NavelgazingBajan´s last blog ..You can take the girl out of the island but… =-.
I just wanted to come here and tell you how much I loved reading this. You have made me feel normal! I have the exact same feelngs from time to time for my first love as well. As a matter of fact, yesterday afternoon I had one of those strong pining moments for him. It was a beautiful, sunny day…maybe it was the song on the radio, but something brought me back to him and I realized that it had been a long time since we last spoke and I indulged and let myself bring back every memory, his face..eyes… and then found myself with tears in my eyes. I really truly miss him and hope he is ok. At that moment I felt ashamed of myself for even letting myself think of him…wondering if my children saw me wiping my eyes. But yeah, I have those moments and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, so thank you for writing this today.
I really enjoyed this post. I think it is very clear you are not alone in feeling this way. I think being impacted by other people we have loved is “being human”. The taboo of talking about past relationships is, in my opinion, silly. These things should not matter, if you are secure in your own. I spent three and a half years with two seperate people from whom I learned many lessons and grew so much with. A censorship on a quarter of my life? Just so I don’t hurt someone’s feelings? I can’t own that.
I hope you find Benjamin Galbraith. Thanks for sharing your story.
Your husband sounds like an amazing man. That is so clear in your description if his reaction to all this. He’s a keeper, but I’m sure you know that
What a timely post…I, too, had lost touch with my first love, who I was with from about 13 – 20. I wrote him an email on facebook on his birthday last year, April 3rd, and he wrote back to me just last week! It was a long wait, but when I read it (and realized he wasn’t mad, just forgot to respond and then lost it in the slush pile), it definitely gave me this huge sense of relief. And my husband is OK with it too. It’s not as though I want to leave him for this guy, I just want all the pieces to still be together…like a chess board, I don’t want to lose any of them. =) Thanks!
It is hard when someone we once loved dearly falls out of our lives. Have you tried using Canada 411? I just took a quick look now, and there are only 49 B.Galbraiths in Canada (one of whom is in Nanaimo actually). I sounds like it would be cathartic for you to get in touch with him again.
I understand the nostalgia. Although my life is far simpler, in that I have only ever had one real boyfriend. My husband was the first boy I ever really kissed, a few days before my 15th birthday. And we’ve never broken up. I feel really quite lucky that I get to see that boy every day.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Northern Voice =-.
@Everyone – Thank you for your comments. I’m so glad that many of you can relate to this. My hesitation in posting this lay in the fact that so many people I know, once married or feeling permanently attached to a new s.o., remove all aspects of former loves from their lives. I had one friend who couldn’t bear to toss out her old love letters or photos once she settled down and sent them all to me for safe keeping instead. (I still have them!) Others purposely destroy old photos and mementos. I could just never do that! So thank YOU for sharing your thoughts on this. I’m so glad I’m not alone.
@Sherry – I thought about that once, but he used to never have phones in his name or always have unlisted numbers. Of course he was in his early 20′s when he believed in not having a listed number so things might have changed, but I feel this is doubtful. I’ve often felt the only way to find him would be to call his mom and go through the awkwardness or actually hire a private investigator. But that seems so extreme since I don’t really have anything pressing to say to him.
@Amber – You ARE lucky! I used to fantasize about marrying him of course. The idea of marrying one’s high school sweetheart (and having it work out!!) is such a beautiful thing. But as I grew older I realized we had very different priorities. Our relationship was very romantic and exciting, but not something we could have built a happy life around. I don’t think he would have wanted kids either.
Great post!
I often feel the same way about a certain ex- who I have lost touch with. Even though I am married happily with three kids – A couple times a year I miss him deeply and wish we were still friends. Glad to know its normal- and I’m not a total freak
A person doesn’t become less important or disappear from your heart just because you don’t marry them or spend your life with them. Every relationship we have influences who we become. Good for you for being honest about this.
I married my high school sweetheart and have been forever grateful for him (16 years and counting) but it doesn’t mean I don’t think back to relationships before him (however short and seemingly insignificant they were) and think about those boys (now men).
I hope you find him, in some way.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Today at Thetis Lake =-.
I knew from the title exactly who this posting was about! I recall a lovely black velvet painting of Leonard Cohen in his living room and a big old chest in his bedroom, oh and his man scent!
I’d phone his mum, because it sounds like you need closure on this. There are ways you can phrase things that make you not sound like a stalker. For instance, just say you realized recently you haven’t talked to Ben in ages, and it occurred to you that you are disappointed you fell out of touch with him because, above all, you’ve always valued him as a friend. And then ask if she knows how you can get in touch with him. What’s the worst that can happen, Mel?
You’re totally not alone in this post or feelings at all whatsoever. I was like this with my ‘first love’ for the longest time. After he graduated we just sorta lost touch, and then after i had my first child we started talking again, and it caused a lot of drama. Not necessarily because my husband was jealous; although deep down i believe he was a tad, so after a few months i cut ties. He’s tried to contact me a few times over the past few years. i try not to indulge his curiosity too much, i’ll answer emails if he sends them, but know not to become best friends with him ever again because of how it all ended. Everybody, and everything is different. Of course you want to know how he’s doing and what’s been going on with him over the course of time, as do i. And it’s not bad to wonder that or even have those dreams, i have as well.
.-= Ticia´s last blog ..In the beginning….. =-.
Melodie -
I continue to feel like you’re my long lost twin. My mirror image — in Canada. I am happily married (most of the time) and fully devoted with no intention of ever leaving my husband. With him I have been able grow into my authentic self more than anyone else – including my first love. And there’s just something about first loves. I think it’s true for most people. You never really let them go.
I was with my first love from age 17 to 24. When we broke up and he married someone else 6 months later, my heart broke in a million pieces. He’s still happily married with three children. I have 2, plus my step-daughter. I’m turning 40 this year and I STILL pine for him on occasion.
Getting together in person can do wonders for coming to some level of peace around why you’re not together though. He came to Austin on business a few years ago and asked me to meet for dinner.
This will sound really weird — but the strangest thing happened during our time together. I could not stop yawning. I learned later that this can be a physical manifestation of anxiety. Which makes sense. But I thought it was weird nonetheless.
And ultimately I was snapped out of fantasy land and brought into the present and the very different lives we live, the children we have, the partners we now have….
I highly recommend it and agree with whomever suggested you give his Mom a try and track him down.
@Jenn (with the big bum – you KILL me!) I was waiting for you to say something. Funny how you recall a Leonard Cohen poster. I don’t remember that at all. I thought you were going to make a comment about rooster hair! Ha! I’m glad you remember stuff though. Helps me to know I’m not the only one. Looks like I might end up trying his mom after all. God, I just realized I still have his phone number memorized from 20 years ago because of the pattern on the buttons and the fact it was my bank pin number for years.
@Sherry- Thank you for the words! I might copy them word for word if I can muster up some courage!
@Ticia and @Monica – Thank you for sharing your stories with me. I’m so glad I wrote this post now. It’s been very cathartic. The weight continues to be lifted from my shoulders!
.-= Melodie´s last blog ..Missing: Long Lost Love =-.
Your post was very sweet and heartfelt. There are moments I miss my “previous life”, and the wonderful moments I spent with other people. I don’t see it in any way harmful to your spouse or your relationship.
I recently reconnected with a few good friends from high school, some of whom were boyfriends at the time, and I’m happy knowing they’re happy and doing well- married with kids, about to be married, or making the most of the single life.
I also discovered my biggest HS crush was gay, and that threw me for a bigger loop than anything! It was kind of like, well, there goes my fantasy backup plan, LOL! (You know, the movie where something tragic happens to your DH, and you bump into the guy from the past unexpectedly, sparks fly, and you get the romantic happy ending).
You’ve also reminded me I need to get in touch with my best friend from HS since I haven’t spoken to him in nearly 3 years. I think about him often and mean to get in touch, but he’s moved pretty frequently so it’s not always easy. Usually he calls me every so often and we have a long chat, and it’s so nice to catch up, though I’d love to get together in person and hang out sans kids for an afternoon. I miss all the good times we used to have- he’s great at making people laugh, and he’s the sort of person you can talk to about anything and everything.
Nope! Not shocked and appalled! Just glad to hear I’m not the only one.
Oh, how I miss the we-didn’t-make-a-baby-together sex of my capricious youth. I miss it like crazy. I’d be lying my ass off if I said I never fantasized about ex-lovers to get through a romp with the current one. It’s normal. Right? RIGHT!?!?!?
.-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..Best Laid Plans: Strategies for Success in Breastfeeding Your Twins =-.
I so hear you! It seems like there is one or two days every year where I think back on my high school boyfriend. Was he right for me at the time? Yes. Is he right for me now? Nope, my husband is though.
I think part of my longing for him is tied to a longing for my youth. That space in my life where I had no worries or cares. Just growing up was enough for everyone. Its not so much HIM I miss, its more the mind frame I guess, but he is the strongest memory tied to it.
Mel,
What a beautiful post. It is not disrespectful to your current love and it is wonderful that he encourages you to talk and let out thoughts and feelings. I got all misty reading your post because I know how much Benji and that time of your life meant to you. I am sure we all have people/ex-loves who meant a lot, no matter if they were in our lives for days or years. Just knowing they are alive and out there, happy/sad/successful/struggling/in love/alone, is what is important. Their influence, in part, made us who we are today.
Recently I have been thinking and dreaming of a past lover. It was a brief but wonderful fling prior to a big shift in my life, moving to Victoria. Thinking of him takes me back to my home town, a close circle of friends, a job that I loved and memories of warm summer days hanging out in coffee shops and visiting with many people as they passed by. Sigh.. the life in a small town.
I am not looking to change my current life but often look back wistfully at what was.
I can’t say that I feel the same way about any of my exes. I suppose I’d be interested to know where they are if someone told me but I don’t spend any time thinking about them. You say you feel on the outside about feeling the way you do. I think I am on the polar opposite side from you. Circumstances in my life have been such that I often think I’m incapable of maintaining deep attachments (with the exception of my kids and my husband). When people are gone they’re gone and I don’t think about them again. There is one notable exception to that but it’s not an old love. I do wonder about him but for different reasons. You sound like a person who loves deep and that can only be a great thing.
.-= Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last blog ..Making a Bad Deal =-.
@Lisa – You know what I did instead of call my long lost love’s mom (Still too chicken for that!)? I called my old guy friend from high school. Actually he was the first boy I kissed at age 12 and we have been friends ever since. We talk a couple times a year but it was time to catch up again. Anyway, we had a great catch up chat. There is something about re-connecting with people who have known you since you were a kid that makes everything better sometimes.
@TFB- You’re much braver than me to admit it out loud, but yes. I’ll leave it at that.
@RenderMeMama – Yes, it is a partial longing for my youth for sure. I’m a really nostalgic person and often missing things from my youth but only once in awhile is it so painful.
@Kirsten – Thank you so much! It’s really nice hearing from people who really know me here too. xox
@Marilyn – You sound like most of the people I know, which makes you quite normal, I think. Yes, I definitely do love deeply, which is as much a curse sometimes as it is a blessing.
.-= Melodie´s last blog ..Missing: Long Lost Love =-.
There are a ton of comments up there that I plan to read in a minute but first I wanted to say that I completely and totally agree with you. I had a boy who I had a complicated and odd relationship with when I was a teenager who was none the less a love of mine. I miss him terribly. If things had been different I think I would have married him. I dream about him a few times a year. My kids found his picture a few weeks back and sent me into tears. I heard through friends of friends that he had died (he was in the Navy) but I have never been able to find his family so I do not feel like I know for sure. I google his name at least once a year. I cannot help it. And my husband understands.
.-= Upstatemomof3´s last blog ..It’s Magic! =-.
Oh you can’t get rid of us “new bloggy friends” that easily!
I definitely think that any time you love someone, they become sort of part of you and will always be part of you. I guess for me that’s part of why I believe in saving yourself for marriage, so you won’t be torn but can give yourself totally to your spouse and not have anyone to pine after. But I know most people consider me a fuddy-duddy prude on such things. Anyway, if you have old loves, it seems like it’d be pretty natural and normal to miss them sometimes.
.-= Maman A Droit´s last blog ..No Kids Invited =-.
No judgement over here either. Hope you find him and write about it
.-= mrs.notouching´s last blog ..Picture Imperfect =-.
I ALWAYS have dreams about my high school sweetheart. Then I wake up missing him. I’m also married and have a great husband. I think about my ex from time to time and usually after I have a dream about him. In my dreams we always just talk and hang out and I’m so happy! I’m not sure what it is either. We dated 13 years ago and probably haven’t talked in 11. I have found him on FB but haven’t written. I don’t know if I’m afraid of being regected or the exact opposite, so I thought it best to not do anything.
I have dreams all the time about an old flame. I wake up with all these weird feelings and missing him.
I love my husband completely and I feel guilty when it happens, but I can’t help but wonder what it means if my subconscious keeps thinking about this guy?
Hopefully it will remain a mystery, things are good the way they are.
well, that’s a whole lot less anonymous when i forget about my gravatar. anyway, let’s just hope my husband doesn’t read this. i avoid thinking about it because i love him with a desperate passion and i don’t want to hurt his feelings.
@ Maman A Droit – I totally understand the reasons behind that perspective/belief system. While I don’t regret anything about how I chose to have relationships before I got married (because I think I got things out of my system and if I hadn’t I’d always be wondering what I missed out on) I get why someone would choose not to. And if you are very happy in your relationship then you AREN’T missing anything, and that’s beautifully romantic and perfect in my eyes.
@anonymous today/now we know who you are – Sorry, I had a giggle when your avatar mishap happened. I think that’s happened to me too. I have dreams practically every other day about an old flame. It’s nuts how common it is. But they keep me going, I think.
.-= Melodie´s last blog ..Missing: Long Lost Love =-.
And did you notice the “Jenn with the big bum” tag?
I’m not so convinced on the calling his mum idea, but I think that has a lot to do with knowing a whole lot more about him and the situation than most others.
I think this is totally normal… Probably everyone feels this way about a meaningful relationship, but most people don’t feel comfortable talking about it. I think it’s great that you can be so open about it.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Enjoying the Garden =-.
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I’m totally with you on this – I have someone like this in my past too. Not for anything would I give up my husband for him, but knowing where he is, that he’s alive and well, makes me feel peace. When we drop out of contact, I feel sad. The reason I give it is that he was such a FUNDAMENTALLY HUGE part of my life for such a long time, and I’m not friends with anyone else from that time anymore, so he is the one and only link I still have with that part of my own history. I hope you find him.
.-= Luschka´s last blog ..Why Baby Led Weaning? =-.
I understand completely. Married and completely faithful for 30 years but that one person still haunts me. Like you I’m ok 363 or so days a year but for those two days…..
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