Any of my old friends reading this are going to laugh at me. Or maybe just roll their eyes and shake their heads. But I’m not too concerned because they all know me. This is how I get sometimes. Nobody’s marriage is in peril, I’m not stuck in the past and unable to move forward. I’m just nostalgic me. I’m more concerned what some of my new and bloggy friends will think. In fact, I’m going to leave a warning right now.
WARNING: The following post may offend some people’s married sensibilities.
There. Now I feel better that you know what you’re getting into.
I usually don’t blog really personal stuff but feeling the way I do this morning, I just need to write and get this out.
This morning I woke up pining for my ex-boyfriend. Three hundred and sixty three days of the year I’m the good doting wife who couldn’t ask for a better husband, yadda yadda, but up to two days a year I painfully miss people who were once big loves in my life who no longer are. And you know what? (Already getting defensive – sorry) Missing having ex-loves doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t mean I want to leave my husband and be with them instead. It’s more akin, I think, to wishing someone who you loved who died, could be in your life again, just so you could even, like, say hello.
When I was a kid I liked watching those ‘long lost love’ reunion shows on Maury Povich and Ricki Lake. You know, some 40-something woman comes on stage and talks about her first true love and how he moved away and they promised to write but somehow they lost contact, but 20 years later she still loves him. Then lo and behold Ricki has the ex-significant other backstage and he awkwardly comes out with a bouquet of roses and they hug and giggle and oh, he’s single too! Then courtesy of the show they get a romantic dinner date on the town.
I used to wonder how, if two people loved each other so much, they could ever fall out of contact. I vowed that I would never lose contact with anyone I loved. For the most part that stands true. I’m one of the most loyal friends I know. Even the friends I’ve drifted apart from I know where they are. And I know where all my exes are. This is comforting to me because I loved them all very much and I would care very deeply if something bad ever happened to any of them.
But my first love has disappeared. I haven’t known his whereabouts since 2006. I haven’t talked to him for 9 years. Knowing where he was made it easier when we weren’t talking. But these past few years, my heart sometimes feels broken, like a piece of me is missing just in not knowing where he is.
I know, I know. Some of you must be thinking, “But you’re married! How could you talk like this?” Well, my heart is loyal to those it has loved. And the ones I still care about I never had a falling out with. We just broke up and moved on. Okay, it wasn’t that easy, but basically that’s what happened. We didn’t part hating each other. I believe when you give yourself to someone a part of you stays with that person and they with you. Unless something happens to ruin the ties, they can be bound even from afar.
I was together off an on with “B” for five years from the time I was 15 to 20. He had the hugest impact on my adolescence because there was no other guy I wanted to be with. He introduced me to the genre of music I still listen to, and he paved the way for all the others to follow. And by “all the others” I mean five, three of whom I knew through him, one of whom I fell in love with because he reminded me so much of him, and then my husband, who blazed his own trail. At 25 we hung out again for awhile and then I formed a deep friendship with his best friend and he felt like I had betrayed him and decided not to talk to me anymore. Over the next few years I found out from said friend how much he had loved me but never felt for reasons I won’t get into here that we could ever be together. I had always known he loved me but to the extent that he shared his feelings with his friend when he never made a big deal out of us to anyone but me, was very surprising. I could never have been with him long term anyway. It wouldn’t have been good for either of us. But that doesn’t erase the powerful feelings I had for him and the degree to which I miss him.
Anyway, back to the point of this post. I just miss my exes once in awhile. This one in particular since I have no idea where on Earth he is. Sometimes it’s badly enough to not want to get out of bed when I’ve had a dream about him. Badly enough to close my eyes and pretend I’m still asleep just so he’ll come back to me. I feel like Bella in New Moon, searching out risky adventures just to catch a glimpse of his face. I just saw that movie a few nights ago an the intensity of that first love bond was so familiar. But so distant. Thus, the pining I suppose.
My husband is very understanding of me. I was very introspective when I woke up and he asked me about it so I told him about my dream about trying to find him and no one, not even his family, knowing where he was. We talked about it for awhile and then I started crying! I was laying there sobbing and apologizing. Worrying about hurting his feelings. Wondering if it was my hormones and why at this point in my cycle I am so emotional. You know what his response was? “It doesn’t matter why. Just let it out.” And he held me. Oh, yes, there is a reason I married him! Respectful? Check. Good provider? Check. Wants kids? Check? Not the jealous type? Check.
After I got up I pulled out my old letters from him. Ones he wrote when he was 16. Ones he wrote when he was 20 and we were about to move in together. I found my old pictures of him and us. My youngest daughter looked over my shoulder and asked me “Is that Daddy?” and I laughed and told my husband. “I can see why she’d ask that,” he said. Yes. They have similar features. Same cheeks, I think.
I wonder if he’s alive or dead. I’ve tried to find him on Facebook to no avail. It’s not something he’d likely ever be interested in anyway. He and his old best friend have severed their ties so I can’t find him through him anymore. I could call his mom in our old hometown but I wouldn’t really know what to say. “Hi, this is Melodie. Remember me from 19 years ago? Yeah, just wondering if you know where your son is. I have no reason to get in touch with him except I just want to know where he is, if he’s okay, if he’s doing well, if he’s happy. Yeah, I’m just a bit of a stalker I guess…” Plus, she likely doesn’t know where he is either. They were never close.
As a cheap form of private investigation I’m going to put it out to you. Do you know a Benjamin Galbraith? I won’t divulge any personal information unless you do know one and want to contact me. He’s 37. He could be living absolutely anywhere.
If you, Benj are reading this. Just know I miss having you in my life. I miss knowing you. I love and care about you and I hope you are happy and well. ~ Love Mel.
Now to my shocked and appalled readers: Have I shocked and appalled you today? I’m in the boat, thankfully along with my husband, that it’s okay to still love someone you were once with. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be with the one you’re with now. And love doesn’t have to end for a relationship to end. But I personally have always felt like an outsider in feeling this way, so I’m interested in your thoughts and beliefs, even if they differ from mine. However, please note that disrespectful comments will be deleted.