Most breastfeeding moms at one time or another have heard a baby cry who wasn’t their own and felt their milk let down. This is kind of what I’m talking about today, but not exactly. Nor am I talking about nursing someone else’s child for money or because you’ve struck up a deal with someone whose child you will nurse when they are away or sick or in some other way unable to breastfeed their own child (cross nursing).
Today I am wondering if you have ever held someone else’s baby or toddler in your arms and wished you could nurse them.
I have.
I haven’t, but I have.
I think it’s comparable to hearing a baby cry and seeing that the mother isn’t responding to him. In your head you are shouting, “Nurse your baby, nurse your baby!” but the mom doesn’t pick up on your telepathy so you try sending her a different message, “If you aren’t going to nurse that baby I will!” In the end you have to move away because being around that poor baby is breaking your heart. It’s not about thinking the mom is neglectful or bad or having a perverse desire to breastfeed a baby not your own, it’s about caring that a child is really upset and wishing you could help.
Doing family daycare I get my share of upset little kids. Who miss their mommy or feel heartbroken because another child pushed them or took away a toy, or for whatever reason just need to cry. And not just cry out of frustration the way most kids do throughout the day for some reason or another, but cry those big alligator tears of toddler sadness that just break your heart. So you wrap them in your arms and rock them and tell them it’s okay and offer to read a story to calm them down. And your heart warms and melts like butter for these little souls, and you know if it was your own child you’d just nurse them. You feel that same hormonal instinct rise up but instead of doing the unthinkable you just give them one last tight hug and send them on their way.
You wonder if anyone else has ever felt like this, because of course you are in a rare position of being around lots of other people’s children all day long. Some other moms are too though. They may get a chance to be around nieces or nephews or a friend’s baby. So you wonder, do they get these feelings too? I’m guessing it might be something to do with the hormones that cause let down. Not only do our bodies respond to a baby’s cries by making milk, the hormones oxytocin and prolactin, the ones responsible for the rush of good feelings and relaxation during breastfeeding, are signaling us to want to feel good and relax. And it feels good when a baby stops crying, doesn’t it? You feel good and you feel more relaxed. So is it weird to feel this way or is this just a product of our maternal biology?
What do you think?
Related posts:
- Monday Musings: Would You Nurse Another Woman’s Baby?
- Monday Musings: Do You Nurse Your Baby To Sleep?
- Breastfeeding An Adopted Baby: One Mom’s Story
- Breastfeeding When Baby is Sick
- Caring For A High Needs Baby During The Holidays
Tags: cross nursing, let down, Monday Musings
Posted by Melodie Breastfeeding General, Breastfeeding Infants, Breastfeeding Toddler, Monday Musings Subscribe to RSS feed
It’s been almost 20 years since I nursed my last baby and I still respond with an “urge to nurse” if I am holding a baby or hear one crying. Particularly if they nuzzle me. I think it is just forever ingrained in me.
My milk definitely came in as I pondered this. A couple of months after my friend weaned her son, I was watching him
(((daughter just woke up explaining why my milk came in)))
in an emergency situation when his mom left in a hurry and he was crying and I wanted nothing more than to nurse him as he was really, really upset.
.-= Ceri´s last blog ..Overcoming the "Ick" Factor =-.
yes! i wanted to nurse my sister’s baby (almost 5 months)
but she didn’t want to because her daughter might have “nipple confusion”! hahaha!
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..Help Me Win a Pump for my Sister! =-.
I wanted to nurse him so badly it was almost overwhelming. I wouldn’t b/c I didn’t have any kind of prearrangement with his mom to do so. But hearing him cry and nursing my daughter and not nursing him was bordering on excruciating for me. My husband actually had to leave the house and take a walk, not being used to hearing a forlorn child cry
/ gosh, it was a very, very real urge for me and my husband seemed to be right there with me when he said, “I wish you could nurse that poor boy!”
Ahhh…. those crocodile tears of sadness just tear at your heart, I can’t handle hearing babies in distress…. my husband just pointed out how some people, himself & his mother included, are able to tune this out! Although he notes he lacks empathy, he also comforts me when we are out & about & come across a baby with the cry that says, please hold me & make it better…. he says he feels so sorry for the babies, & for the moms who want to help, but can’t because it’s not their place or their baby to do so. He has said, “that poor baby just needs some mama love”, meaning milk, & has asked me if I wanted to nurse another crying baby…. I have wanted too, but haven’t done it. I am glad he acknowledges it’s a natural instinct, but wish that more people had it!
There was a baby screaming bloody murder in front of us at the zoo one day. We were by the concessions, and that baby cried for 45 minutes straight. The mother didn’t pick her up, or try to console her, so I dunno WHAT was going on there, but about 45 times I had to resist the urge to put my boob in that kid’s mouth. That’s the quickest way to quiet my screaming 2 year old!
Catherine from Her Bad Mother also got a LOT of flack for nursing someone else’s baby when she found herself engorged (and without a pump) at a conference. I’d have to say that’s THE best way to drain the cans! I’m not sure if I’d have the guts to ask someone to lend me their baby for that purpose, but as I understand it, the other mother saw her discomfort and OFFERED her the baby.
.-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..May 2010: In Case You Missed It =-.
I can imagine this feeling although I have never breastfed (currently pregnant), but your phrasing actually made me think about comfort eating. I know that breastfed babies are supposed to grow up more able to know when they are full and stop eating when they’ve had enough, but it is interesting how BFing (and sometimes bottle feeding as well) is used to comfort kids, even feeding in your arms versus just cuddling. Not judging one way or another as I don’t have my own yet, just something that popped in my head.
I definitely feel an emotional response when young children are upset around me (especially now that I’m pregnant – I was in the ER last week and almost cried in response to the children).
TFB’s story is amazing! I would totally loan someone my baby for that purpose.
Love your blog – so glad I decided to follow.
.-= Janine´s last blog ..Sunday Link Love =-.
Yes! Babysitting my nephew. At the time he and my daughter (who was still nursing) were both a little over a year old. He got fussy and I remember feeling like I wished I could just nurse him. It seemed instinctive, because that’s what I always did with my own daughter. I was kind of at a loss trying to comfort a baby without being able to just nurse him. Obviously, I didn’t, but man it would have been easier than tryingto entertain and distract him until his mom got home . . .
Yes! Babysitting my nephew. At the time he and my daughter (who was still nursing) were both a little over a year old. He got fussy and I remember feeling like I wished I could just nurse him. It seemed instinctive, because that’s what I always did with my own daughter. I was kind of at a loss trying to comfort a baby without being able to just nurse him. Obviously, I didn’t, but man it would have been easier than trying to entertain and distract him until his mom got home . . .
@Janine – It would seem that way, but breastfed babies do stop eating when they are full, and often switch to “non-nutritive sucking” (a lighter suck that’s not pulling out (much) of milk) to continue to nurse for comfort. This satisfies their need to suck while getting the cuddles, and it helps to stimulate mom’s milk production. That’s one of the reasons that early pacifiers can undermine breastfeeding; if baby doesn’t do its non-nutritive sucking at the breast, mom gets much less stimulation and her supply suffers.
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I can definitely relate to this.
My brother, who lives half-way across the country from me, has twins almost a year younger than my daughter (now 19 mos / 8 mos). Due to undiagnosed (as I think is usually the case) placenta accretia, her c-section ended with two perfectly healthy babies in the nursery and mom in ICU on a ventilator (the vent was a precaution, she was off in about 36 hours and is fine now).
Some of the first photos I saw of my niece and nephew were of my brother feeding them formula, while the grandparents watched through the nursery window.
I knew that she wanted to breastfeed, and had I been there, I don’t think any amount of hospital security could have kept me from getting in and nursing those babies until their mama was able to do it herself.
——
More recently – we just started babysitting a two-month-old while her mom works. She is pumping at work, but not enough to get what the baby needs while she’s gone. I’m pumping to help out, as is another friend. I have offered to nurse the baby if we run out of pumped milk, but it’s not come to that yet. Even when we have plenty in the freezer, it is excrutiating to hold her as she roots, tries to latch my arm flab, and cries, while waiting for breastmilk to thaw.
I’ve actually drafted a blog post about this experience and will be publishing it as soon as my friend gives me the all-clear, so check my blog for “It Takes a Village” to hear the whole story.
.-= Whozat´s last blog ..Daily Peep: Sad, Sicky, Snotty Baby =-.
Absolutely! I was babysitting my friend’s baby, only a few months old and a month younger than my small son, and this poor baby would.not.stop screaming. He hated the bottle, had colic, and was inconsolable for a lot of the time. I so wanted to nurse him, and I’m sure my friend would have been delighted… but I was pregnant and nursing my five month old, and my supply was already too tenuous for me to feel that I could nurse this baby without taking from my own. Otherwise, it would’ve been the best solution for everyone…
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..State of the Stash, May 2010 =-.
@TFB – I remember reading Her Bad Mother’s Story last year. And then in my dentist’s office in a national magazine a few months ago. That was a GOOD story!
@janine – I’m happy to have you following! And I agree that the hormones of pregnancy can create similar feelings for sure.
@Whozat – Thanks for your three comment reply. I definitely want to read that post. It sounds like an awesome read.
I have never wanted to breastfeed another’s baby, but I’m also not around other babies or little kiddos. Just my son. So if and/or when it happens, I won’t feel weird about it thanks to this post.
.-= Bloomy Mommy´s last blog ..How many times have we been through this…breastfeeding is not gross! =-.
Ooh yes, I’ve certainly had this urge. It was especially strong when I was spending time with a friend who is a Babywise mama… so hard in fact that I haven’t spent much time with her lately because it hurts me so much to see her leave her baby crying because “she can’t be hungry, it’s not feeding time”. It’s just so hard!
.-= Desiree Fawn´s last blog ..Babywearing Dads Make Me Swoon =-.
I have definitely experienced the feeling of wanting another mama to calm her own child’s cries. But honestly, I haven’t felt the urge to nurse another person’s baby. I find the idea off-putting. I’m not sure why, and intellectually the idea doesn’t bother me, but at a physical level the concept makes me squirm. I imagine myself rocking another baby, or holding another baby, but not nursing.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Engineer in the Making? =-.
YES! especially those children that have been weaned by the mom’s choice and you can see that’s what they still need!
Once last year my 26 year old friend was crying and telling me about a situation in her life that was really sad, and I had a letdown! I started laughing hysterically and told her, “my body really wants to nurture you right now: my milk just let down!” She laughed pretty hard, too.
I have this desire you describe, ALL THE TIME. Even babies whose mamas ARE responsive breastfeeding types, I want to nurse their babies. It’s weird. But particularly so when I’m in a public place and a baby or toddler is crying and all I can think is, ‘Give that poor baby a BOOBIE already!!’
I offered to nurse Sara’s baby but she didn’t go for it. :p I think it was so she could go out to the store or something. I think part of wanting to nurse HER baby is that I love him so much, him being in my extended family. Like Whozit with her niece and nephew.
You’re not the only one.
=)
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Brownies =-.
I find almost the opposite-I’m sorta apathetic towards other babies-not much desire to hold them etc. But my own little guy us still pretty young, so I wonder if that’s biological too to not want to “share” but to just focus on your own baby?
.-= Maman A Droit´s last blog ..Memorial Day =-.
YES, I have. In my “real life” I am a library director at a public library. One day the census was using our library as a testing site for new hires. A woman came in with her 5-month-old to take the test. The baby was NOT happy and kept crying. Her poor mom really needed a job and could not get the baby to calm down and kept having to leave the room, which of course was causing her to lose time in which to complete her test. Finally I took her baby and the diaper bag and brought the baby in my office. She needed her diaper changed (poor thing!) and I could tell by her poop that was a breastfed baby. After I changed her, she was still screaming and then she started rooting. I fixed her a bottle of formula but she was NOT. HAVING. IT. So yeah, I wanted to just nurse her but of course I didn’t because she was a stranger’s baby. I hated that the mom already had to give her baby up to the mercy of a stranger because she so desperately needed a job. I was glad I could help and with patting and walking the baby did eventually fall asleep.
@Maman A Droit – I remember during my oldest child’s first year I wasn’t too interested in any other babies either. It hurt my heart when other kids cried but I wasn’t as partial to wanting to nurse them. It was after I got my daycare going and found myself spending a lot of time around other people’s kids that I started getting those hormonal urges.
@Elita – Wow. That would be really hard. I’m feeling a bit of a milk let down just reading that. But I’m glad you were there to help that woman and her baby out.
Sure. After nursing my daughter for 3.5 years, I found a couple of times when holding other people’s babies that I almost automatically prepared to nurse them – I had to remind myself they weren’t mine!
The most i’ve ever felt like nursing another child is when he or she was ill and formula fed. I know that breastmilk is so healing. Otherwise, I’m shy about sharing my nipples but have a number of friends who cross nurse.
.-= Nome´s last blog ..Three Kids at the Pool =-.
Interesting discussion!
Our son’s babysitter is a breastfeeding mama, much like your situation. I think it would be inhuman NOT to expect her to wish she could nurse him at some point. It’s hard to see the wee little things so mad when you know how to make it right. I would probably be upset if she did it without asking me first, but beyond that, I would be pretty open to it.
But on another note I would be a wet nurse in a heartbeat. If only they still did that these days, my career would be SET.
.-= the Grumbles´s last blog ..hello and goodbye, i hope that you’re okay =-.
Yup, I have felt this way. A lot.
My sister just had her baby about 2 & 1/2 months ago. She stopped nursing him after about 4 weeks because she didn’t think she made enough milk and wouldn’t let me offer her any help. I want to slink away with him and just nurse him myself and make sure he was getting all the nutrition he needed since he had been born with an infection. I even offered my milk to them when he was in the NICU, but they never took up the offer.
I also have a friend who had a baby last week, didn’t even want to try to breastfeed her baby girl. She was induced, lots of medicines, and then ended up in a c-section so she never bothered even though she said she may try just in the hospital. The urge is also there to just go by, swoop up the baby in my arms, and nurse her.
But wouldn’t they look at me crazy!
Oh- also meant to add- I don’t know any mom-friends who would be even willing to cross-nurse with me. It sounds like an interesting experience. Not bad, or freaky, just… interesting. I have a pretty open mind about these things lately.
.-= the Grumbles´s last blog ..hello and goodbye, i hope that you’re okay =-.
Yes, but not for the reasons described. When my sister’s daughter was born, she had a very hard time figuring out how to nurse and all I could think was that maybe I could help both of them if my daughter and I were closer: my sister could nurse my daughter to feel what a good latch felt like and I could nurse my niece to help her figure out what to do. Unfortunately, we live too far away for that to have been an option, but there was maybe a week that I toyed with the idea of flying down for the weekend to offer some hands-on help.
.-= Saisquoi´s last blog ..Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls — A Review =-.
@Juliette – I find myself doing that with this baby, too. Funny thing is, on the one hand, if my partner is holding her, or she’s lying down and starts squirming and such, I’m thinking about “Hmm, is she getting hungry? Is it time to prep a bottle?” and it’s all on an intellectual level, but if I’m holding her and she starts up, I just automatically start to (or start to start to, if that makes sense) go to it – without thinking a bit.
.-= Whozat´s last blog ..Daily Peep: Hats Off to You! =-.
@Rebecca – I have a friend who was in your situation. Her brother’s wife stopped nursing (or maybe never started? I can’t remember, anyway…) and she and her mom were watching him one day. He started to cry and couldn’t be consoled. Her MOM said to her “why don’t you just go and nurse him. I won’t tell.” So she went and expressed and fed it to him in a bottle. It wasn’t quite the same, but it helped. So she said. (BTW- I’m not condoning this or thinking this was the right thing to do, I’m just sharing a story. Just sayin’).
I have never nursed another baby other than my own (though I have had the urge), but I did let my sister nurse my baby when she was just a newborn and I had such sore cracked nipples I couldn’t bear the thought of letting her touch them. My sister was there and offered and I took her up on it…that one feeding just got me through a very difficult moment. When we each later mentioned it to our husbands, neither was thrilled with the idea. I don’t know what their issue was.
Reading this post and the responses actually caused some discomfort in my breasts, and I haven’t nursed in, well, let me count, about 7 months! I have never felt the urge to nurse someone else’s baby, but I have felt the urge to convince them to already! Meaning if they were a BFing mama, but they weren’t nursing their little one for whatever reason, and I thought the baby needed it, I’d feel it and say it in my head! I applaud those of you who have or been able to if needed.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Number 28: The Help =-.
I just published my post about this:
http://whozatshrike.blogspot.c.....llage.html
(Also – I just realized that comment #1 is from my sister!)
.-= Whozat´s last blog ..It Takes a Village =-.
I have felt this urge all the time! For comfort, but also when it’s a formula fed baby. All of my friends who have babies formula feed, and it makes me so sad. I just want to nurse them so that they’ll have the nutrients! But i have such a slow let down that I’ve never had a let down from it. I don’t even have it when my own daughter cries.
I have to say… perhaps I’m just really in the minority (or maybe a prude) but I can’t say I ever had this feeling. For me, nursing was always a very private matter between me and my babies.. that’s just me… I think it’s great others have had the inclination to pick up a screaming baby and nurse it, but for me, if it’s not my baby, I don’t really have that urge. Great discussion.
I have nursed other people’s babies- well, toddlers. It was mostly for comfort nursing. One was when a boy’s (3 years old) mom was in emergency surgery and his dad was across the country unable to get a flight home. It was the first time I cross-nursed, and my daughter tandemed alongside him. They giggled together and it was really nice. I knew the mom would be ok with it and she did thank me later. With the upheaval in the family from the unexpected surgery, she was glad that he was able to nurse and be comforted.
I’ve also nursed a 18 month old girl to sleep while babysitting. The mom said that if I needed to do that to get her to sleep it was ok.
I’ve also nursed another little girl (2) while babysitting. Again, I had permission beforehand. I wouldn’t do it without permission.
As for screaming babies in public, I do wish moms would just nurse, but I’ve never said or done anything about it.
TopHat´s last [type] ..Rebuilding the Bubble
I REALLY thought there would be more moms that had crossed nursed.
I was raised in a very large family where cross nursing was the norm. I was nursed by every nursing breast in my family. As I have nursed all of my nieces and nephews. I have had custody of one of my nieces since she was 6 mths old. (My sister is in prison for killing her abusive husband) I have nursed her ever since. She is almost 5 now and still nursing strong.
I have nursed a few kids that I baby sitt, always with their mom’s permission.