My youngest daughter who just turned three, spent her first night without me this weekend. My husband and I just celebrated our fifth anniversary and wanted to have an overnight without the kids so my mom watched both of them. It has been a long time coming, and my youngest has been ready for quite awhile. That being said, it only went okay. I don’t think first nights without mommy, no matter what the age, are easy for any child. Especially when they bed share. Especially when they breastfeed.
The first time my oldest daughter had an overnight, she was 10 months. It didn’t go well at all. In retrospect, it was way too early for her, and as a first time mom I didn’t fully take into consideration the things that I should have. She didn’t have another overnight until she was 2 1/2 and I was in labour with my second baby. That one was much more successful.
Is there a “right” age for a breastfed child to spend an overnight without its mother?
I think it depends on each child, but if this is something you have been wondering about there are some factors I think you should consider.
Your child’s age. Call me an extremist, but I don’t think a newborn should be away from his or her parents overnight except under extreme circumstances i.e., hospitalization. Babies need to be close to their mothers at all times to promote a healthy attachment.
The first six months of exclusive breastfeeding is also a time you might want to consider staying home. Especially if you are providing night time breastfeedings, going away for more than one night can affect your milk supply as well as lead to painful engorgement, which in turn can lead to mastitis. Once your child is eating solids and is used to being away from you for longer periods of time, you can expect a more successful overnight.
Does your child sleep through the night? If she does then you’ll likely feel more comfortable leaving her. But if she isn’t in her own bed or doesn’t get her regular bedtime routine (or it’s given by someone else) things might not go as well as planned. Babies like familiarity just like the rest of us.
How much does your child breastfeed at night? When considering leaving your child overnight with someone, the less, the better.
Will your baby take a bottle? If you are a pumping mom your nursling will be used to taking a bottle. But is your baby used to taking a bottle from the caregiver you are leaving him or her with? Maybe you pump milk for your child during the day but then nurse through the night. Maybe you breastfeed during the day but let your partner bottle feed your baby at night. It will likely be easier to leave your child, knowing that your milk is available to him, but you also need to know your child and whether or not he will take it from the person you are leaving him with.
Your caregiver. Is your baby familiar with the caregiver? Is she comfortable with the caregiver? Is your child easily comforted by this person? Is your caregiver capable of administering to the needs and wants of your child? Does she know how much breast milk your child consumes from a bottle per feed? (it will be different – less – from the amount a formula fed baby drinks). And most importantly, are you comfortable leaving your child with this person?
Your child’s temperament. My daughter used to wake up ten times a night so basically I didn’t sleep for two years solid. Which is why, at 10 months into motherhood, I needed a break. So my husband and I took her into the city where my mom lived and chose to stay in a nearby hotel. I put her down at 8:00 and then left, only to return at 11:00 to nurse her back to sleep. The next morning I called my mom at 7:30 and drove over there to nurse her again. I didn’t get much extra sleep, I was too exhausted to really enjoy a night out with my husband, my daughter woke up every hour on the hour like she did at home, and my mom didn’t get any sleep either. It was a complete wasted effort and I felt guilty about it to boot. So if your child wakes up a lot during the night, cries inconsolably without a boob in its mouth, or presents any other difficult challenges, you might want to consider staying home so you don’t wind up traumatizing your child, your caregiver, or yourself.
Your needs and comfort level. Do you really want to have an overnight without your child or are you being pressured? Is it really that hard to say no to your partner or your girlfriends? Or to your enthusiastic, well meaning in-laws? Do you have to go on this business trip? Can your needs for “me time” be met during the day by having your partner or a friend watch you child for a few hours during nap time?
You know your child better than anyone else, so only you will know if your nursling is ready to have an overnight without you. I know families who have had their infants stay with grandparents while the parents went to Las Vegas for the weekend, and I know families whose six year old has never slept outside the family bed.
At what age did your breastfed child have their first overnight? How did it go? If your child has never had an overnight away from you, why? What are your thoughts on this subject? I’d love to hear from you!
Related posts:
Posted by Melodie Attachment/Natural Parenting, Breastfeeding General, Breastfeeding Infants, Breastfeeding Toddler Subscribe to RSS feed
My nursling has never spent a night away-he’s only 9 months old-and probably won’t until I get pregnant again and am in the hospital, and even then, only if I’m actually in labor overnight-otherwise Dady will spend the night at home with him. That’s the plan at this point anyway! I guess I just don’t see any need for it and have heard too many horror stories about babysitters, even ones who are related. I know I’d be too worried about Baby to enjoy myself.
.-= Maman A Droit´s last blog ..Baby Goes Pro:Early Beginning DVD Review & Giveaway!!! =-.
My youngest was also 3 when we first left her alone overnight. I would not have done it earlier… she is a very attached little girl. We felt it was okay to do the overnight because she had weaned, was sleeping through the night, she was with (and could sleep with) her big sister, and she was staying at her grandparents and having fun. It went well.
On the flip side, before I became an attachment parent, I left my oldest daughter alone for a week (!) sometime in her first year while I helped my mother move cross-country. What a mistake. I seriously wondered why I didn’t feel very attached to my daughter (until she was 2.5 when I found AP).
I think leaving a child alone (particularly an AP’d child) in the early years can really affect attachment… scare the child into thinking mom won’t come back. I would never recommend it.
This is a great post, btw… gives people all the tools as to what to think about.
.-= Katherine´s last blog ..Confronting Birth Fear =-.
My little guy is 4mos and has been sleeping 8+ hours a night for over 6 weeks now. I’m back at work and pumping, so he’s used to getting bottles throughout the day. I trust both my mother and MIL explicitly (and am super-lucky that they are both local & fully support my breastfeeding & pumping), and both Grandmas have put baby to bed at night when my partner and I have gone out a couple of times. I’d feel fully comfortable with him doing an overnight stay with either Grandma at this point.
FWIW, this is baby #2 for me, so perhaps I’m more relaxed with the second. I don’t remember when my oldest son had an overnight stay, but I think it was around 10mos.
I was first away from my son when he was 16 months old. He had weaned by then (his choice) and was sleeping through the night. My sister took care of him and it went swimmingly.
I still haven’t been away from my 18-month-old daughter yet. My husband and I have an overnight planned for the end of May and I admit I’m a teensy bit nervous. I’m sure it will go okay in the end but that first night away from your child is definitely a bit weird.
.-= Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last blog ..What I Learned: April 2010 =-.
When my daughter was an infant we couldn’t even leave her with a babysitter for a few hours! We had my SIL babysit for my son and daughter a couple of times. The first time, she cried when we dropped them off, but was okay after a bit. The second time, when we picked them up she was still crying from when we dropped them off! Suffice it to say we never left her with a babysitter again for a looong time.
.-= Fran´s last blog ..Cribs Recalled Due to Risk of Collapse =-.
@Maman A Droit – That sounds like a good plan you have. You don’t need to be anymore worried than necessary – especially when you are having a baby! And horror stores certainly never help!
@Katherine – I agree. AP’ed children are more difficult to leave, but for good reason and since we’ve trained them to be that way I think it should be expected. Although always AP’ed my first daugher has also always been anxious and thus that much harder to leave with anyone at any time under any circumstance. I’ve gotten used to it now, but I would also not recommend leaving an otherwise attached child. I think it would be too confusing for them. And is.
@Delora – You are so lucky you have two grandma’s available and willing to help! I’m so envious! That is one plus I’ve heard about having very familiar grandparents (or anyone!) and bottle feeding, they end up being so much more comfortable and easier to leave with them.
@Marilyn – It is weird that first night. I was looking forward to having a big sleep in this weekend and I couldn’t stay in bed past 7:30 and that never happens – ever!
@Fran – Your daughter sounds like my oldest. It was really hard. We had to take her everywhere with us. Seriously after that stint when she was 10 months we never went anywhere without her again!
Happy anniversary !
My daughter is almost 22 months old & still hasn’t been left w/ anyone else besides my husband. Even w/ my husband she’s only been left for a couple hours max. Lots of people have offered but she still nurses frequently & frankly I’m a worry wart & she’s accident prone like her parents. I’ve thought only briefly about an overnight but like you said..it would traumatize her , me & the person that she was left w/ …
Jude’s only 8 months but no overnights in the future. My Mom is especially into the pressure to come “spend a night at Grandma’s house”. But we are part-time cosleeping and I nurse at night at least once or twice I think she would be pretty unhappy by morning time and so would our son. I’m just going to keep telling her no and she’ll have to deal with it, he’s WAAYY to little to spend a night away, especially since Grandma’s house is in another state. She likes to say things like, “Oh, Grandma is going to steal you away!” and, “When are you going to stop nursing so I can have him come stay with me?” which really pushes my buttons.
I think the familiar caregiver part is what’s hard for me. Since my parents live further away they don’t really know anything about his routine, how to calm him down, how to feed him, they aren’t all that familiar to him, etc. etc. I think it will probably take me a few years to do a without-mom overnight.
.-= the Grumbles´s last blog ..the kindness and karma contest =-.
My oldest slept away for the first time a couple of months (maybe 2) before she turned 3. she was still nursing, but not at night and sleeping in a bed right next to mine. She stayed with my sister and her daughters, and it was my daughters idea! I said are you sure? Do you know that I am going home and I cannot come back to get you until morning (Right, like I wouldn’t go get her at 2 am)? Despite her wanting to stay, she had trouble going to sleep and was waiting on the stoop for me when I went to get her. (She did get a donut and she was good with that – oh and all the other crap my sister let her eat YIKES). Every time we visit my sister, my daughter is very keen to let us now she isn’t staying for a sleepover.
How was I when she was gone? A wreck. I didn’t sleep much, I didn’t go to bed to after 12 waiting for the call. I hated it! We are the type of family that pretty much does everything together. My 3 month old was recently in the hospital (observation after she fell on her head – yes, I received a bad parenting award) and it was hard for me to be away from my husband and 3 year old for 24 hour even though they visited( I stayed with the baby since I nurse a lot – the PICU was nice and gave us a bead to share (after I signed a waiver). We hardly ever left my oldest and haven’t left the baby yet. I rarely even leave her with my husband. She is very attached, just like her sister. I guess that is the result of attachment parenting. Attached kids. Good post, thank you. IT is interesting to read how overnights go for others.
.-= georgine´s last blog ..Weekend Events =-.
I was away from my oldest son overnight when he was just about 3 years old. I was in hospital for 24 hours having my second son, and my oldest was first at home all day with my sister then after my baby was born my husband went home and was with him overnight. It wasn’t great for either of us, but it was not born out of choice either! We haven’t been apart for more than 3 hours since and he is just over 4. We bed share and that is the only night in his life that we have not woken up beside each other! Weird!! My second son is 18 months old now and I have never been away from him, day or night, even for an hour!! So I think we’ll be waiting awhile to do any overnights…. I think the most important thing is to know your child and listen to their needs.
This is a post that speaks to me! I feel that my daughter isn’t ready to spend the night away from me yet, but I’ve been prodded SO MANY TIMES about it. But come on, she’s not even 2 years old! Why should it be considered a good thing, to spend the night away from your Mama when you’re not even 2? It’s more about the grown-ups than the baby, which doesn’t seem right to me.
Now, I’m not saying I wouldn’t like a night away. I would LOVE a vacation (or a honeymoon, since we kind of skipped that part, after getting married) but as long as she’s waking up 2-4 times a night to nurse and as long as that’s working for us, why the rush? I like our part-time co-sleeping and nursing arrangement. There’ll be plenty of time for sleepovers in the next 20+ years.
My son had his first overnight at grandpa and grandma’s house when he was a little less than 2 years old. I had just had my gallbladder taken out. I was actually nursing him, but totally unable to keep up with him for nighttime. You see, he was nursing like crazy at nights, and I was too out of it to be safe co-sleeping, and plus I couldn’t have him near my stomach at night. On top of that I was having throwing up due to the pain meds.
Thankfully, my dad had already been taking care of him during the day while I worked and putting him down for naps, so he slept very well at his house (co-sleeping, in fact). He reacted very well at their house, but became very very very needy. So needy that the third night I decided to keep him even though I didn’t quite feel ready. He literally stayed attached to the breast the entire night for several nights, and it took a few weeks to get back to our “normal” nursing every couple of hours.
.-= Amber Shah´s last blog ..Good Job, Google! =-.
@Amber Shah – Even though I only just left our 3 yo for one night and less than 24 hours she nursed like crazy for two days after that and even today is asking for it more than usual.
Mel;
Good post! I love all your topics, seriously. I guess I’m unique amongst your commenters because I sometimes work night shifts. I def. agonize over leaving all my kids overnight, tho far less with my 7 & 5 yo than with the 21 mo old!
I’m fortunate in several accounts:
#1, when I’m working, my husband looks after the kids. It saves us money and helps lower my guilt load because all 3 of mine are well attached to their daddy.
#2, my youngest is VERY easy going. I’m VERY fortunate in this. If he knows I’m not in the house (proven by dh walking around the house to check ea. room in the middle of the night), he will settle with water or pumped milk, cuddled in bed with his dad.
#3, I can somewhat decide my own schedule, so when I first return to work when my kids are 1 yo, I don’t work any nights until they are more accustomed to me being gone once or twice a week. Once they are comfortable with it, though, I prefer night shifts, because my family is sleeping anyways so it feels like a working ‘freebie’–I work all night and then go home, nap for a few hours, and am with my family again during the day when they are all awake.
That said, we did go away overnight to a hotel in Vancouver last month b/c we won free tickets. They stayed with grandma. The older two were fine, they have stayed there lots, but the youngest had not stayed there without me yet, and apparantly he cried for about 10 minutes when he woke up looking for boobie at 2 a.m. But once he realized I wasn’t there, he cuddled in and did fine. If I pushed it I’m sure he would get worse instead of better; it’s def. imperative to watch your child. I guess it also depends muchos on how often they wake at night to bfeed! My youngest is down to 2 feeds, sometimes more, sometimes less (occasionally none!! Hooray!!).
Great post yet again!
p.s. and oh, yeah–he def. does the ‘marathon make up nursings’ once we’re together again!! Feels like having a newborn again for a day or so!!!
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Breech Vaginal Birth =-.
My kids haven’t done an overnight yet. My oldest is 5.5 (weaned at 4) and although he is super outgoing and has *tried* to do an overnight at Grammies we always get a call and I’m happy to respect that.
My 2.5 just weaned for the time being (pregnant and ouch!) and I think if I had to I could talk them through an overnight with grandparents, but it would be challenging for them. Not necessarily a bad thing, it just hasn’t been necessary.
(Actually, I just remembered that we did leave my oldest when he was two with a family who was like his second family. They all co-slept and he stayed up until the Mom went to bed and snuggled with her all night. It went really well!)
.-= hillary´s last blog ..flowers13: A amazingly productive Monday morning is being followed by an even more productive Mon afternoon. =-.
my first was 14 months before he spent and night away. And my only requirement was that we were night weaned before we did it. And he stayed with my hubby while I was on a trip with girlfriends. So it wasn’t traumatizing for him at all. I will probably do the same with my daughter..wait until she is night weaned.
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Who should breastfeed? =-.
My kids are 5, 19m and 13m and I only nursed the 19m old but she stopped nursing at around 14m (stupid me for not continuing to try – I so wish she still did). I left all three of them for the first time two weeks ago. I was gone two days (and nights) and the only one it was not hard on was my youngest. They were with Daddy – which is why the baby did not mind she is a TOTAL Daddy’s girl. I really really wanted to bring the 19m old with me. It turned into a battle between my husband and I. In the end it went okay for her – she had a hard time, she was slightly stressed and felt better if she spoke to me several times on the phone. The five year old took it really hard though. Which surprised me – he is very close to me but I really thought he would have so much fun with Daddy that he would not care. He was very sad. And really really missed me. In the end I am so glad that I went (it was a once in a lifetime trip that I felt I would have regretted if I did not go) but I do not think I will be going away without them again any time soon.
.-= Upstatemomof3´s last blog ..The Next Evolutionary Step =-.
Oh wow, I have never heard of another parent that didn’t leave their kids overnight early on. Our daughter is 29 months and has never been away from us at night. She still shares our bed and is very comforted by our bedtime routine, I can’t imagine anyone else having much success getting her to sleep.
With that said, #2 is due in September. She will be almost three and I am hopeful that she will be ready to move to her own room. I would love to keep her with us but I am concerned that the baby will wake her at night and then I will have TWO children to get back to sleep instead of one. Thank you for sharing. I don’t feel like such a weirdo now.
.-= Mommypotamus´s last blog ..Meal Plan Monday =-.
My daughter had her first overnight when she was 3, and I was expecting my 2nd child. I wanted to have a few trial runs so that I would feel confident leaving her overnight when I gave birth. It actually went really well. She had already weaned some months before, and she stayed with her grandparents who were more than willing to parent her to sleep. In fact, I would say it was MUCH harder on me than on her. She pushes me out the door now when I drop her off for sleepovers.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..What I Learned in April 2010 =-.
My son had just turned 2 the first and only time we left him overnight. We left him with my sister. We lived in her back yard so he was really comfortable with her, her house, her kids. We called about noon the next day to say we were heading home and he got teary on the phone, but otherwise, it went very well.
10 months later his sister was born (no, she wasn’t conceived on that sole night away) so we just didn’t have an opportunity to leave him again. If we did, I know it would have been fine.
My daughter will be 2 in July and still hasn’t been left overnight because until recently she was still night nursing a lot and now she is still very dependent on that first morning nursing session (around 6 am) PLUS, she is still nightwaking but is usually soothed to bed by dad. So if we were both gone, she’d be devastated. I refuse to do that to her or the person who is caring for her.
We co-slept with both of them so I think that makes it a bit harder to leave them overnight at a young age but my basic guidelines are that they are sleeping through the night, no longer night nursing and then from there it depends on the individual child and their relationship with the potential care giver.
.-= BluebirdMama´s last blog ..Write Your Bio Challenge =-.
my son is 15 months old and has nt spent a night away from me yet. Neither he nor i are ready for that. We slept in the same bed until less than a month ago, and though he will sometimes sleep straight through the night, he’ll still wake up some nights wanting to nurse.
I worry that he is going to wake up and be frightened when I’m not there, even though i’d leave him with someone who wouldn’t just let him cio. I’d love to have a night’s break, but i don’t want to spend the whole night feeling guilty, either.
.-= Lynette´s last blog ..Welcome To The New And improved My Crunchy Life Site =-.
My daughter is 4.5 – she has never slept overnight at anyone else’s house. I have spent a few nights away from home (conference when she was 2.5 and the night I birthed her brother) and that’s it. The two nights I was at the conference, she was still nursing but did fine snuggled up to her dad – but I wouldn’t have wanted to do it much earlier. I miss her too much to spend much time away from her!
I’m an extremist, I know, but my older son didn’t spend a night away from me until he was almost 2 and that was spent with his dad. My baby still has never been away from me and he’s 18 months. My husband and I have never both been away from the kids at the same time. However, we are planning a one night get away this summer to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary, this will be a first and we are staying in town.
I don’t feel like I need to be away from my kids. I feel like this is such a short time in their lives, there will be plenty of time to be away from them when they are horrid teenagers. Plus both my kids aren’t great sleepers and both nursed or are nursing a lot at night and we co-sleep.
I like my nighttime cuddles and I’m not ready to give those up yet.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Parksville =-.
What a great post! My daughter is 9 months and we started co-sleeping when I went back to work at 3 months. I nurse her to sleep and she wakes usually 3 times to nurse through the night. Not too long ago, we were facing a decision about child care and my very well meaning mother offered to take care of my daughter full time. The problem is that she lives in a different state and opposite coast! My parents and sister just couldn’t understand why I would be opposed to sending my daughter to them for a few months. They have since accepted our decision and we’ve resolved our daycare questions, but still, the thought of being away from my little one for a full night – even just an evening! – makes me very uneasy.
I have noticed that on the evenings we have gone out, she does seem to need those make-up nursing sessions! I’m still amazed and warmly amused that now at 9 months, she likes to say hello when I get home from work by lunging for the boob and grabbing at my collar. She looks forward to bed time and stories and tucking her little feet into my middle when she nurses before sleep.
Like Sara said before me, I like my nighttime cuddles and I’m not ready to give those up yet.
My son is 20 months and I have not left him overnight, nor do I plan on doing so anytime soon. He still wakes at night and nurses at night, and leaving him would be too tough on all parties involved. I don’t have a need/desire to be away, anyway. Someday, when he is ready, it will be nice to let him spend the night at Grandma’s house! I’m sure it will come soon enough!
My son is 16 months, and I haven’t been away from him overnight. Once, daycare had an evening program from 6-9 so you could go out and we did that. Based on that? Oh HECK no. Never again. I thought that would go well (he eats heavily just around 6:00, which we didn’t drop him off until then, and then he plays for a bit, then goes to sleep and wakes up around 9:00 or 9:30 to eat – and it would be with one of the caregivers he’s totally used to in a facility he’s totally used to). It…didn’t go horribly, but he wasn’t in the exact same room (they had infants/toddlers together in one room, not the one he was normally in) and he refused to sleep until exhaustion overtook him. So at 8:45 we picked up a baby who had…uh, just dropped off to sleep. GAH. He actually apparently mostly enjoyed himself if the report was honest, and he didn’t seem in an awful mood, but I felt bad and the whole overnight routine was shattered and and and….
Not even that again until he’s older. He often does sleep through the night once that 9 pm nursing happens – but just as often doesn’t, and in any case I don’t see the point in it. Oh, there are movies I’d like to see and I won’t take him to the movies at this age for his sake. But other than that? I’d rather be with my son. It helps that he is mellow and cheerful enough that we can take him to even nice restaurants, but even if not…when I’m away from him and ESPECIALLY if it’s a time of day I know he will want/need me, I start to get tense, if not frantic. It’s not relaxing.