Today Twitter alerted me to a recently published article called Moms, Don’t Forget to Feed Your Marriages by Rabbi Shmuley.
Essentially, the Rabbi says that women who are devoted to breastfeeding are committing a “cardinal sin” by not putting their husbands and thus their marriages before the needs of their children. He goes on to say that when husbands see their wives breastfeed they lose interest in their wives sexually, and since the “erotic nature of a wife’s body is a principle element of attraction in marriage,” choosing to breastfeed and bond with your baby is akin to choosing the demise of your marriage. “It is not the bad thing you do that destroys a marriage, but all the good that you fail to do, preoccupied as you are with a sinful relationship that diverts your attention away from your spouse.”
Sinful relationship? Wow.
Still, I decided that I wanted to write a religion-sensitive rebuttal. Already, I could see that the Rabbi was getting passed off as a douchebag, and while I secretly agree, I wanted to come at the story from another angle. However, when I got down to it I had a very hard time doing so. For one thing, I’m not Jewish, and while I have Jewish friends and some idea of how women are viewed within the religion, I quickly realized I wasn’t qualified to say much without coming across as judging the Rabbi Shmuley’s beliefs.
Luckily, my Jewish friend Hayley was coming for dinner. Hayley is not a mom but is a child and infant specialist and counsellor and has worked in the field for over 20 years.
“Can you come read this?” I asked her. “I don’t know what to say and I need your Jewish cultural perspective on it. I really want to be sensitive to a few of his ideas about women which I think come from being a conservative Jew, but I need your advice on how to do so. I mean, I don’t agree with anything he said and I could just go with that, but I think everyone else is going to be calling him a douchebag, and I want to try to be more sensitive.”
She sat down at the computer and started reading.
“This guy doesn’t know what he is talking about!” she declared. “How do I reply to this? Give me his contact information so I can blast him!”
We followed the link from beliefnet to Rabbi Shmuley’s personal website and this is what she wrote:
Dear Rabbi,
I am Jewish Woman who is also an infant specialist. I am appalled by your article about breastfeeding. First of all, breastfeeding and a child’s needs should always come before an adults’ needs. My grandfather taught me that children come first because they are helpless, unlike grown horny men. This article totally is a selfish male view and demeaning to women, it essentially blames women for the break-down of marriages and sexuality. Take a look at Africa where women breast-feed and India too….. the children sleep with their mothers which is for their protection. Breasts in these cases are used for what they were intended to… feeding the young, just like in the animal kingdom….. It is male western society that has sexualized these parts of women. Take a look at society, we live in nuclear families and not in communities… Families, women do not receive the support they need when a child is born. There are not aunties, uncles and grandparents to help with the children so couples can be rested and able to enjoy themselves. The demands of the work force and common day stresses add to this. If families had the supports they needed, I’m sure there would be more sex in the bedroom. Because even if women were not breast feeding, they would be tired from bottle feeding in the middle of the night as well as cleaning the house and having her hormones changing at this time. Any mother I know, and trust me I have worked with several hundreds, are not sexual when they give birth, they are tired whether they are bottle or breastfeeding. A baby sitter or a cleaning lady would help marriages much better. Stick to the Torah, what you know, because you are not a woman and do not have a woman’s intuitive wisdom!
Hayley
*****
So much for worrying about being sensitive to a douchebag.
The only thing I want to do now, to semi-scientifically evaluate his opinion on this matter, is ask you: Has breastfeeding hurt your marriage? If you say no, would your husband agree with you? Because obviously this was written from a male perspective. And while I would like to think that this viewpoint is rare, maybe it’s not. Maybe our husbands secretly are wishing we’d wean earlier. Maybe they do resent all the time and affection we lavish on our nurslings. I know this is true for some people, but is it to the extent that it actually hurts our marriages? Will men go so far as to blame us for doing what I see as our mothering duty as the reason the marriage is ending?
My husband would say no. We don’t even sleep in the same bed, but neither breastfeeding nor bed sharing has interfered in our intimacy. He sees my breasts as having a dual function and doesn’t feel that my nursing takes away from their sexuality at all. I think it’s safe to say that my friends’ partners would agree. They are so used to seeing our breasts pop out to feed our kids that they don’t even bat an eyelash. In fact, the one time I donned a Bébé Au Lait nursing cover for a review at a party and passed it around for the other moms to try, they commented that it was so weird we were suddenly trying to hide them.
Anyway.
I’m interested in what you and your husband or partner thinks about this article. Can breastfeeding hurt a marriage? Has it negatively affected or hurt yours? I hope you will share. Feel free to be anonymous if you like.
********UPDATE********
A representative from shmuley.com wrote to tell me that Rabbi Shmuley wrote a retraction of this article. To read it please see my post Update: Rabbi Shmuley’s Retraction and My Reaction.
Related posts:
Tags: breastfeeding, Jewish, marriage, Rabbi Shmuley
I don’t think breastfeeding has hurt my marriage. I’m confident my husband would agree with me. He’s a big breastfeeding supporter. We were in agreement about letting our children self-wean from an early age. If anything has strained our marriage having 2 children in 21 months and having a 3rd on the way (oldest will be almost 5) has probably done it.
Also, to comment on the Rabbi, someone should remind him that Jewish Law is supportive of nursing AND extended nursing.
“Breastfeeding is halachically encouraged, especially for the first two years of life. Up to the age of two, if a child has ceased nursing, he may resume breastfeeding even if he has only nursed for a few months or has never nursed. Above the age of two and until the child’s fourth birthday (or if the child particularly needs it, the fifth birthday), nursing may be continued (but not initiated); however, anytime a healthy child above the age of two does not wish to nurse for 72 hours, breastfeeding may not be resumed. Expressed breastmilk is kosher even for older children or adults.” http://www.yoatzot.org/article.php?id=58
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Being Done =-.
Hi there! I’m brand-new to you, I’ve been reading silently for just a couple of weeks now after finding you through The Feminist Breeder. I had actually read the Rabbi’s article before and was equally appalled at his attitude and was furious that there might be women out there who actually listened to his verbal diahrrea. The first thing that comes to mind is a memory. A few days after our son was born my breasts were heavy with milk and constantly leaking and sore. One time in particular after a feeding and a pumping session I was standing in the living room with my bare breasts air drying and just dripping away and I realized my husband was staring at me. I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’m sure this is super sexy to you.” and he looked me right in the eyes and said, “actually, it kind of is.” and grinned at me. I will never forget that and it made me love him even more. So no, long story short, BFing has absolutely not hurt our marriage, and my husband tells me constantly that my devotion to our son and BFing him makes hubby love me more. Thank you for being a voice!
I saw this when it came out and sent the rabbi my thoughts on the matter then. I was and am sickened and appalled by this point of view and the fact that it is coming from a man that so many seek relationship advice from. He’s in quite the position of power and he’s really setting the booby traps. It’s saddening.
As far as how breastfeeding has affected my marriage, I wouldn’t say that it has damaged it. I have a 5 year old who was not breastfed and my 14 month old is currently continuing to breastfeed. My 5 year old, prior to my youngest’s birth, was very much a momma’s girl. My husband, throughout the pregnancy of my youngest, put his claim on this baby. “Gracie is yours,” he told me, “and this one is MINE.” Then I began breastfeeding and that went right out the window. He complains about that a bit, but only jokingly. And that’s it. That’s the most “damage” that has been caused by breastfeeding.
So Rabbi Shmuley can take his stance on breastfeeding vs. marriage and shove it up his self-righteous tukhus.
.-= Erin W. / Beatnik Momma´s last blog ..Hey – At Least It’s Not Twilight =-.
“So much for worrying about being sensitive to a douchebag.” HAAAA HAA ha ha haah aha… hold on, I have to catch my breathe.. HAAA HA HA HA HA HAa haa.. Okay. Okay. I’m done. But that was awesome.
I say breastfeeding absolutely has not hurt my marriage (anecdotally speaking, our marriage was it’s rockiest back during the first year of my first son’s life when I was formula feeding – so there!)
But if you want to know exactly how my husband feels about it, here – let him tell you (This is John now…)
“Breastfeeding has done nothing to hurt my marriage or the way I see my wife. Breasts are great, fun to look at, and lots of fun to hold, but they are first and foremost for the passage of nourishment to my little guy. Additionally I have the ability to compartmentalize the functions of breasts and I don’t understand why any other male can’t do the same. ~ John”
So there. Take that, Rabbi!
.-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..“Gina, You’re Too Tired To Get Pregnant. That Will Be $470 Now Please…” =-.
Well, I’m Jewish. I responded to the original story mentioned on beliefnet.
http://www.amotherinisrael.com.....stfeeding/
http://www.amotherinisrael.com.....r-boteach/
@Casey – See. I knew I wasn’t qualified. I had no idea about that law.
@Heidi – Welcome! Love that you came over from The Feminist Breeder site. Gina is awesome! Thanks for sharing your story too. It reminds me of a single guy friend who told me he’s always wanted to date a lactating woman because he thinks it would be pretty sexy. And my husband would agree with yours that the devotion I have and have had to breastfeeding our girls makes him love me all the more too.
@Erin W. – I hope his inbox is jammed with letters from angry moms. My friend who wrote the letter above called her sister to write him too. And they aren’t even into the whole on-line thing. More Jewish women need to speak out and let him know this article was not okay.
@TFB – I thought you might like that one Gina!
@John – Yay for a man’s perspective on this. You rock John! My husband actually listened to you one night on one of Gina’s Blog Talk Radio shows and told me he thought you had a lot in common. One day if we’re ever in Chicago I guess we’ll have to go on a double date guys!
Oh boy! I replied to the Rabbi way back when that was first article. Maybe I’ll share what I wrote to him on my blog later this week because I tried to be really mindful about my message (rather than shooting him the pure rage I initially felt!).
I’ll share some thoughts–
1)This is classic blame the woman type situation. Now she’s ruining the marriage by feeding her baby the perfectly designed food it was made to eat? Now she’s ruining their sex life because she pushes a baby out of her vagina? ha!
2)My husband was completely (and still is) in awe of the birth process. I mean it’s intense! If anything he’s gained more respect for me after watching me birth two babies. Also, he is extremely supportive of breastfeeding and when I initiated weaning my oldest at 4 he urged me to continue b/c he felt he wanted his kids to get the best nourishment for as long as possible. I recently weaned my 2 year old b/c of pregnancy and sensitivity and my husband felt so bad for the little guy.
I think if a guy is less turned on by the work your body is doing to nourish his children–he’s got his priorities WAY out of whack.
.-= hillary´s last blog ..hillaryboucher: new post! RT @flowers13 Give and Receive http://bit.ly/ds3Il3 =-.
Oy, I was so disappointed to see this from the Rabbi. I have always been a fan, not so much now.
To answer your question – breastfeeding has never been a problem in my marriage or interfered with our sex life in anyway. I am 100% certain my husband would agree. We have five children and over the past 13 years probably spent close to 8 of those years breastfeeding.
We have also co-slept with our children, which we personally found to be a bigger challenge when it came to intimacy, but more so with the last children than the first.
Thank you for such a great post. I just passed my laptop to my hubby with the douche-bag’s article open. Hubby was so ticked off that he began talking about how wrong it is and how our sex life and marriage bond have only gotten stronger since we’ve been bfing and cosleeping (tandem nursing & pregnant with number 4 currently, btw) He stormed out and is currently writing him an angry letter from his own laptop. I guess that answers the questions I was going to ask from your blog. lol
Thanks for posting your friend’s message to Rabbi Shmuley, it was really interesting to read. My husband and I haven’t started our family yet, but he is a huge supporter of breastfeeding. When I was a nanny, there was more than one occasion that he picked up my boss’ pumped milk from her office and brought it to me so I could feed the tyke. As a result of everyone’s dedication to their breastfeeding, my boss breastfed the tyke over 2 years, despite working full-time! When I read Shmuley’s article to my husband, he was just as horrified as I was. He’s completely on board with us breastfeeding our future children at least 2 years/as long as it’s working for the breastfeeding dyad. His bigger concern was with Shmuley’s disgusting objectification of women and the idea that a woman’s breasts “belong” to her husband. We both firmly believe that a woman can say no to any kind of touch, at any time, regardless of her marital status.
.-= Faedras_Mask/CrunchyMommySomeday´s last blog ..This Week: A Look at Breastfeeding =-.
let’s put it this way …
we’ve been married for 8 years. i’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding during … oh … about 7 of those years.
if it had affected my marriage?? i probably wouldn’t have 3 children.
there are so many more detrimental things that can occur in a marriage. breastfeeding shouldn’t be something that a new mama should have to worry about.
.-= jen´s last blog ..lovesofmylife =-.
Breastfeeding has not hurt my marriage. Neither has my husband’s experience of watching closely as I gave birth, which the Rabbi also recommended against.
If my husband has had any concern, it was more about how breastfeeding impacted his relationship with our first child. Since we have weaned, though, his perspective changed, and he does not appear to have the same concerns with our second. But it hasn’t affected our relationship negatively. If anything, having my husband’s support as I breastfeed has brought us closer.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Driving in the City =-.
I think the one valid idea he brings up in that article is that it *is* important to pay attention to your marriage and your spouse in the time after the arrival of a new baby. It is so easy to get caught up in new parenthood, and to ignore your spouse’s needs (and this goes for BOTH partners). Not to mention that, as your Jewish friend brought up in her letter, you’re both tired and worn out, and likely quite stressed, and so it’s easy to take out frustration on each other or pull away somewhat.
NONE of this has ANYTHING to do with whether a mother breastfeeds or not. The act of breastfeeding did not do any harm to my marriage, and my husband agrees. Sure, for that year my breasts did feel much more like they belonged to my son than my husband’s, something we both felt somewhat intuitively. But my husband has never shown resentment in any way about that, he understands it and understands that breastfeeding is a beautiful, natural act, one that he supports 110%. Anbd he knows that once we get past this stage of having young kids who take so much of our time and energy away, we will once again have more time and energy to focus on each other– both in and out of the bedroom.
Yes, it IS important to pay attention to your spouse and to your marriage. But you CANNOT blame breastfeeding for any problems that occur between new parents. To imply as much is ridiculous.
.-= Marcy´s last blog ..We won’t be homeless after all! =-.
Total douchebaggery.
My husband says, “It’s definately not the breastfeeding, it’s all the kids.”
Har. Har.
One of the many asanine things about Shmuley’s point of view is the assumption that women themselves aren’t interested in having a great sex life, it’s just another chore we’re supposed to do for our husband’s sake. Yuck!
.-= Betsy´s last blog ..Three Bundles of Whoop-Ass =-.
@ Z – Too funny! I’m glad this is getting people writing their own responses. I’m not sure when this article was first published but it seems as though I actually missed it the first time. I thought it came out today. Oh well.
@Faedras_Mask – Yes, that was the part that I was initially worried about commenting on as some of my Jewish friends’ siblings are a little more Orthodox and I have been told that they abide by certain rules we would find quite strange. Like women can’t refuse sex, that men can’t touch a woman until 10 days after her period, that some of them are not allowed to be in a room alone with a man who isn’t her husband. Although the Rabbi does seem to take these things much further in eroticizing a woman’s body to the point of degradation. It upset me too.
@Jen – Well said! “there are so many more detrimental things that can occur in a marriage. breastfeeding shouldn’t be something that a new mama should have to worry about.”
My husband finds my breasts far more attractive now after pregnancy and during breastfeeding. They are larger and he marvels about their ability to produce such an amazing sustaining product.
He actually loves that they leak when I am ‘satisfied’, I can’t fake it
Also our sex life has improved hugely since giving birth and breastfeeding, I am far more in tune with my body and I have a confidence I never had before, which in turn has increased my libido.
@Marcy – When I saw the title of the article, after seeing The Feminist Breeder’s tweet about it, I thought “what’s going to be so bad about this? Of course it’s important to feed your marriage.” But then I read it. Great point that it doesn’t have anything to do with breastfeeding. Like Hayley also said in her letter bottle feeding actually requires a lot more effort, especially at night.
@Betsy – My husband would agree with yours 100%…. And, yuck indeed.
@booba – Agreed. I find I am much more confident about my body’s sexual abilities now too. I don’t quite understand the correlation or even if there is one, but since giving birth and breastfeeding I have the same feelings about sex as you do.
I wrote about this on my blog, too. My husband has not had a problem with my breastfeeding our children. We have eight, just like the Rabbi. Unlike his wife probably, since he so clearly puts his needs above his children’s, I have been breastfeeding for 19 years. We have been married for 25 years. Obviously, since I started nursing with my first, and we went on to have 7 more children, my breastfeeding has not put a crimp on our sex life at all. It has certainly benefited out children. They are intelligent, healthy and well-adjusted. So, phooey on the rabbi. He knows nothing about the needs of children.
I haven’t had my baby yet but I can attest to breasts’ dual function. My husband is a bit fascinated with my changing breasts and nipples (and belly) during pregnancy and if anything he seems more amazed by my body than ever. Sure, that could all change once the baby is born, but I just don’t see that happening. Honestly, I think he is blown away (as am I!) that I’ll be able to sustain my child just with my boobs, and I don’t think there is any conflict between those feelings and seeing my breasts in a sexual way.
Then again, my husband and I have pretty much no boundaries, are best friends, and have seen each other in very vulnerable and unflattering states… I think if anything was going to kill the attraction, that would have happened already. I think the men who would be upset at breastfeeding are the same ones who expect women to be made up every single day and not poo or pass gas. Marriage should be a mix of reality and fantasy, not entirely the smoke and mirrors of the latter.
.-= Janine´s last blog ..Things I Want Now =-.
My wife asked me to read this article and write a reply.
The answer is No. We are more intelligent as a gender (on the whole) than this man is giving us credit for. What my wife is giving to my child is the most incredible and valuable gift a human can give another human. It requires more love and attention and patience and PRESENCE than anything I am capable of doing for our children. It is a gift–to my kids, but also to me. Because I choose to see it that way, our marriage is better than ever. These babies need their Mamas. You ladies rock my world.
I’ve come across this guy and his awful dribble before. I am appalled that Beliefnet agreed to publish his article. Ugh.
With regards to my marriage, breastfeeding hasn’t hurt it any more than, for example, diaper changes hurt it. Sure, there are times when my kids have to come first and I cannot devote myself 100% to my husband 100% of the time, but realistically, even if we didn’t have kids I wouldn’t be doing that anyway. Personally, I feel that by having a common goal of raising our kids the way that we want to raise them, our relationship is strengthened. Each of us does different things in support of that goal, but we are united in our commitment to do the things that are important. Breastfeeding is one of them.
.-= Annie @ PhD in Parenting´s last blog ..“Parenting mistakes”: An international comparison =-.
I can see how it might LOOK like Breastfeeding hurts the marriage, if you take a snapshot and look at it without knowing what all the factors REALLY are.
Mom is breastfeeding a child, and there is less intimacy between spouses.
True.
BUT, as you pointed out (very well, I thought), those are NOT cause and effect, they are merely both aspects of the picture – which ALSO includes lack of community, lack of support for mom, stressful daily lives, work routines, etc….
No, breastfeeding has not hurt my marriage. Having children has added a layer of stress and challenge to our lives – but that would be the same if we fed the children artificially.
I have never know a man who would turn away from a woman’s breasts because they were also used for nursing a baby.
A tiny bit of possible “defense” for the good Rabbi (who is generally not a good source in these things, anyway). There may still, though, be an aspect that we are missing, from the most conservative aspects of Judaism. I don’t know what all is involved, but I know there are periods of “ritual uncleanness” surrounding menstruation and childbirth…
.-= Tiffany (As For My House)´s last blog ..Re-Sock-Ling =-.
I think breastfeeding has strengthened our marriage! Our Baby is a total Daddy’s boy and without breastfeeding I think I’d feel left out and maybe even a little resentful, but as it is, it’s like we each have our own special bond with Baby, and it’s like “how cool is this that we are raising such an awesome little person together?” Plus Hubby totally beams when people comment on how healthy Baby is. Because I bf, he has a lot less worry about Baby’s health than he otherwise would. And it definitely hasn’t negatively impacted our sex life-if anything I think seeing my bare breasts so often is exciting for Hubby!
As far as this Rabbi goes, how does he think Moses, Abraham, David, etc ate as babies/toddlers? Surely he’s not implying that every Jew prior to the invention of artificial formula was sinful!?!
.-= Maman A Droit´s last blog ..Sisters =-.
As my husband said last night after reading the article, “Why do breasts have to be either functional or sexual? Why can’t they do both?”
I’m sure there are women out there who lose interest in their husbands after a baby is born otherwise ridiculous articles like this wouldn’t be written. However, I’m sure that there are other issues than breastfeeding at play.
My husband watches me breastfeed and understands that nursing is for what boobs are designed. Yet, he doesn’t seem to have a problem with them after the kids are in bed and we get some alone time. Even if I wanted him to have nothing to do with my breasts while I’m still nursing, we would still have a fufilling sex life. Oh, and that’s after he delivered baby #2 very unexpectedly at home. Despite the extreme close-up of a living creature coming out of my vagina, he still seems to like it.
Besides, I’m pretty sure that Jesus was breastfed (as was like 99% of the important historical figures in religion). Was Mary neglecting her marriage by nursing? Does the rabbi believe that the world would be better off had women abandoned their children (since formula is a recent invention) and focusing on their husbands? What would our population look like today if our ancestors had followed his stupid advice?
.-= Jen @ Two Embrys´s last blog ..Brand New Jumperoo! =-.
My husband and I agree that breastfeeding has not hurt our marriage. In fact, as Annie says, raising a child together has actually strengthened our relationship. We have made choices including breastfeeding and cosleeping with the design of strengthening our entire family. So far, so good. If there were problems, we wouldn’t be planning our second. And planning to tandem nurse the first who doesn’t appear ready to wean.
The thing that gets my goat about this article is that when did my breasts stop being mine anyway? They are there for my husband’s enjoyment? Really? Occasionally, my spouse will taunt our daughter and say “These are Mine. I’m just letting you borrow them now.” And she will rub my chest and bury her face in my breasts and give her father raspberries. Then I remind them both that they are attached to MY BODY, which means I get to decide who uses them and when, unless they are willing to let me co-opt one of THEIR body parts in exchange. At 16 months, my daughter just looks at me blankly for a minute and then asks “Pease?” Which is fine: right now, I have no problem with her needing my breasts for food and for comfort. It’s her job. But my husband gets “touched out” much easier than I do, so it’s a good reminder for him that he can play, but it’s polite to ask first.
.-= Saisquoi´s last blog ..Mommy-Daughter Time =-.
Breastfeeding is not hurting my marriage, and my husband agrees. He sees breastfeeding as natural and necessary for our daughter. He also enjoys bedsharing. Our sex life has only been impacted as much as any is when a child is born. We may have to schedule it, but it happens.
Oh! I love her response! I saw this on twitter and immediately called my husband over to read it. I didn’t say anything to him about what it was because I wanted his honest take (without me saying first that guy is a douchecanoe). Lo and behold, my husband was appalled. He confirmed that breastfeeding has not hurt our marriage.
I think all couples, whether breastfeeding or formula feeding, are going to experience a decline in sex after they have a child. It’s busy, it’s stressful, you’re tired. Do we need to take the time to focus on our marriages? Yes. Is that decline directly related to breastfeeding? Hell no.
My breasts were put on my body to nourish children. I like that my husband likes them, but their true duty comes first and it’s NOT just being fun-bags for him.
Like Kelli, above, said, I think this type of article is demeaning to men. That they are unable to see anything besides SEX SEX SEX when they see breasts. Seriously? I think most men in my life are smarter than that.
.-= the Grumbles´s last blog ..lessons in acrobatics =-.
My husband’s and my intimacy may have diminished since the birth of Rowan (nine months), and we may sleep in different beds, but none of this has to do with feeding our daughter. Rather simply, scheduling and learning how to be parents are responsible.
Calling it a ‘sinful relationship’ boggles my mind. How did your people make it to the age of formula, Rabbi?
breastfeeding did not hurt my marriage at all and my husband agrees, it actually inhanced my attractiveness to him. it is his baby that i’m feeding. the only thing that he wishes is that he could experience some of what i do.
Breastfeeding has absolutely, 100% NOT hurt my marriage. Yes, my husband would agree with me (and has a 1000 times). I nursed our first for four years, tandemed for 13 months, and am now nursing my baby in her 14th month. BFing has made me a better mother to my children, friend to other moms around me, and wife to my husband! ITA, “stick to what you know”!
I was not successful at breastfeeding my first child but have been with my second. My husband has said to me that he is so proud and happy that I am able to succeed with our youngest child.
My husband also has no problem whatsoever with my breasts in the sexual context and neither do I. He still has the same access to them he did before.
Breastfeeding has had no effect on our marriage.
Breastfeeding has definitely not hurt my marriage, and my husband would agree. He would find that an odd question to even ask. Breastfeeding really hasn’t had much of an effect on our relationship at all – except that he has found it very moving to watch me nurse our son. He has always been incredibly encouraging, telling me that I could nurse for as long as I wanted.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Lazy Day =-.
Personally, I agree with everyone above who has responded “hell no!” And I’m very grateful to have a husband who is secure enough to allow me to put our children first when necessary (which is pretty often at this point in our lives).
But I also work with breastfeeding moms, and unfortunately there are a lot of men out there who struggle to be this accepting (I think it’s exacty because they are influenced by this kind of crap that the rabbi and others in our culture are spouting). A lot of women are walking a fine line as they try to respond to their baby’s needs and help their husband’s to understand that breastfeeding is normal and necessary.
On the one hand, it might be easy to call all these men “douchebags,” but I think a lot of them just don’t know any better and haven’t learned what it really means to put someone else’s needs ahead of their own. I think that’s a barrier that really needs to be broken down to help moms breastfeed, and one that isn’t addressed often enough.
Having a baby does affect a marriage, and breastfeeding and the intense mothering that often accompany it can make it more difficult. But it doesn’t “hurt” it unless you let it. If your marriage makes it through the tough stuff, it comes out a lot stronger on the other side.
.-= St. Louis Smart Mama´s last blog ..The Nestle Wars (Or Why I Buy My Chocolate Chips at Trader Joe’s) =-.
Hello! Found you through the feminist breeder
I loved the letter your friend sent to Rabbi Schmuley. Last night, after seeing Gina’s facebook link to the article I did the same. As a Jewish woman I could not refrain from letting the rabbi know what I thought of his drivel and I let him know that I’m embarassed that non-Jews will read his article and think that his perspective is the blanket Jewish perspective when it most definitely is NOT. I’ve had two little Jewish babies and I have a lovely Jewish husband, and breastfeeding did not hurt our family one little bit – and no one at shul minded our nursing relationship, in fact it was ENCOURAGED by every Jewish person I know. There’s a reason we practice Conservative judaism as opposed to Rabbi Schmuley’s anti-female orthodoxy.
Shame on him.
My husband is fully supportive of breastfeeding. In fact, he is a bit of a lactivist. He looks at formula with disgust and has often said “I don’t understand why people use it if they really don’t have to. Breastmilk is so much less gross.” Leave it to a man to say it so blunt
I don’t want to be TMI, but our sex life is great. The only time it lags is immediately after I have a baby, when one of us is sick, or when he has a random busy spell at work (and that is becasue HE is tired). Breastfeeding has not changed his view of me sexually and because he is sensitive to my needs he knows if I am tired he doesn’t get any. He tends to help out more around the house when he wants sex (smart man). I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding nonstop for 9 yrs now. We have 4 kids. He still calls me sexy. Apparently the Rabbi has no clue what he is talking about.
I would say no and I’m sure my husband would say no as well … every time he is talking to any friend of his that is gonna have a baby he tells them to support breastfeeding, he cites how it made our lives easier, its very cost effective and healthier … when i was pregnant with our second and down about how much weight I had gained he said he didn’t mind it, that it actually made him happy because he would just think about how chunky the baby was gonna get from nursing … he is an awesome man and I love him dearly
Breastfeeding has definitely NOT hurt my marriage. My husband, unlike Rabbi Schmuley, is a sensitive mature man. He appreciated my changing body during pregnancy and nursing. He thought that pregnancy and breastfeeding were the ultimate outward signs of femininity. He was supportive and proud of the fact that my body was able to nourish our daughter. My lactating breasts were not a turn off, not were they off limits to him. Breastfeeding and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. Obviously our daughter’s needs come first, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy each other or have sex. Any man who is jealous of the attention that his wife gives to their child, or is turned off by her lactating breasts, is immature and selfish. Grow up!
.-= Limor´s last blog ..Preg-O-Rama News =-.
WOW. Wonder what the Rabbi’s explanation is for the fact that marriages survived quite well in a day and age when breastfeeding was the only method available for nourishing children? Or that it’s only recently that divorce rates have skyrocketed?
My husband had never been around breastfeeding before we had our first son. While he’s now used to it and agrees that it’s best for our children, he doesn’t find it sexy. Of course I would have to ask him if he thinks it affects our marriage but I’m pretty sure he would say no. I don’t hide breastfeeding from him at all, but I do try not to just hang everything out all over the place when he’s around. And that’s my preference, not his if that makes sense.
For the record also, he wasn’t thrilled to witness the birth of our first son, and was a little relieved not to be in view of the “business end” for our second but as the male poster above said, give men a little more credit. I’m sure there could be individual couples for whom breastfeeding or birth becomes a divisive issue for one reason or another but I think it’s totally unfair to men and women to assume that feeding a child as nature intended is going to come between a man and his wife in such a way that will tear apart their marriage.
Gross. Really gross.
.-= Cilla´s last blog ..On Being One and a Half =-.
I guess I have to be the first to say that breastfeeding has hurt my relationship. I’m with someone who was not supportive due to a bad pediatrician pushing formula on us after we had supply issues in the beginning and from there, it just spiraled out of control. He saw me as hell bent on breastfeeding, so much so that I was willing to jeopardize the health of our child. I saw him as unwilling to support my choice to give my child the healthiest start possible.
As time has gone on, I realize that he finds nothing sexy about breastfeeding and definitely avoids my breasts. He is hoping I will stop breastfeeding at one year but is starting to come around to accepting up to two even though he thinks its gross.
As a result, our sex life has definitely taken a turn for the worse. Lack of interest on my part is probably most to blame, but he resents the baby in our bed because it has taken away from the affection and attention I once gave him. He feels like I have nothing left for him after I give everything to my son.
While I realize that he has always been a little selfish, it really came out during pregnancy and after birth. It has made things incredibly difficult and I’m not sure our relationship will stand the test of time at this point. All I know is that for me, my son comes first and if I have to sacrifice my relationship for my son, so be it.
My husband thought my swollen full breasts were very sexy. While he differentiated between be breastfeeding our children and his own sexual desires (of course), he found my body to be very very exciting during that time.
He also enjoyed watching me tenderly nurture our child at the breast. He did not feel displaced. He made every effort to support me in and out of the home. Of course there were times when having a child in our bed was a bit inconvenient, but we were parents of a baby, babies are inconvenient. So what? We are the parents and it is our job to put our desires second to the NEEDS of the baby. I would agree that a woman should still make every effort to find a time for her husband but this can be done easily while breastfeeding. You just have to be creative.
These silly husbands are immature, self-centered and jealous. These are not qualities to support and encourage. The husbands should be chastised for putting an infants needs before their own. And might I also suggest that not supporting your wife in her mothering and telling her that you find her undesirable while she is breastfeeding is NOT helpful for your sex life (unless you’re getting it somewhere else).
Raising children can be challenging for a couple, but this does not mean that it necessarily *hurts* a marriage. And as others have pointed out, I’m not sure why breastfeeding itself poses any more of a strain on a marriage than other, equally time-consuming child-rearing tasks do.
As for my marriage, I can say with absolute certainty that breastfeeding didn’t hurt our relationship at all! In fact, we may have fought more over money if we had to figure out a way to work thousands of dollars worth of formula into our yearly budget.
.-= Kristen´s last blog ..The NIH VBAC Primer: A Call for Photos =-.
Anonymous, you’re not the only one. It hurt my relationship but that was because my partner was unable to be flexible and firmly believed that the baby should be sleeping in another room from early on, left to cry it out if necessary, etc….so we just had very incompatible views which only became apparent after the birth. Somehow, we didn’t know to discuss such things before deciding to have a baby! The main aspect of breastfeeding that upset things was the co-sleeping – I had to co-sleep (as well as believing it to be beneficial) in order to keep my sanity as my baby woke every 2 hours until he was past two. I think my partner also had a problem with the way our baby needed me in a way that he couldn’t replicate – and that he was a frequent breastfeeder and so this was a dominant part of our relationship. Still, I think that this kind of situation really reveals the real men from the…well, not so great ones…just my opinion!
@Anonymous
You’re not alone. I would hesitate to pin a post postpartum decrease in sex with a single factor. it’s probably a combination of things, but it certainly does happen.
http://www.blisstree.com/babyl.....hildbirth/
(I’m a man and very supportive of breastfeeding, but for whatever reasons, we don’t have sex anymore. Zero.)
Morgan, we discussed breastfeeding and he was supportive before but co-sleeping never occurred to me until I had my son. It just happened naturally and also due to my fear of SIDS. My partner is a fan of letting the baby cry and feels that I “baby” him and “spoil” our son. My son is a frequent feeder and it irritates his father and has led to him taking a lesser role in caring for him, using excuses like, “he wants you and your breasts, not me.”
To be fair, his mom is nurse who formula fed and raised her children in the style that he favors. My parents were no different but I educated myself. He listens to ignorant co-workers and friends…just a sad situation because I would really like to see it work for the sake of my son.
I’ve breastfed 2 children so far; the first for 18 months and the second for 26. We are beginning to move both my 4 and 28 month old to their own beds now and Dh and I haven’t shared a bed in over 3 years. Neither breastfeeding or separate sleeping have interfered with our intimacy level as evident by the fact that I am now 19 weeks pregnant. I think that breastfeeding has actually improved our marriage because it has helped me to be a better mother and therefore a better wife. I will be damned before I put my husband before my children. He is an adult who can sustain himself. My children are not self-sufficient. My husband and I agree that our children come first no matter what, and then each other because we made the committment to have them and it is our responsibility to do right by them. The committment that we made to each other can be broken, God forbid, and we would be able to move on. This is not the case with children, nor should they go through such a tragedy.
Feeding and nurturing my children the way that God intended is only strengthening my bond with my husband. I like Shmuley but I think that he is ignorant on this issue and I hope for the sake of his followers that he retracts this statement and corrects his view on breastfeeding.
The Rabbi has some really offensive ideas. He really does think a virgin whore makes the best wife.
No, breastfeeding has not messed up our marriage. It does take adjustment after kids but unless you have a full time nanny and a housekeeper you can’t go on doing the same thing. Flexiblity and maturity—Rabbi!
.-= Naomi´s last blog ..Breastfeeding is So Gross =-.
I wanted to come back and share what my husband thought about this. He and I used to watch Rabbi Shmuley’s show, “Shalom in the Home” and we quite enjoyed it and the Rabbi’s point-of-view. Dh’s response to Shmuley’s statement was, “That surprises me about Shmuley. Children SHOULD be put before marriage! Shmuley’s a tool!” LOL. I asked him if breastfeeding has hurt our marriage and he thought it was a ridiculous questions. So much so, that he only sarcastically replied, “Yeah, our marriage is ruined all because of boobie milk!” and he walked away. I don’t think he feels wronged by my breastfeeding our children.
I am currently breastfeeding our 18 month old daughter. When I asked my husband about my breasts, he responded that he believes they have a dual function (breastfeeding and as sexual objects). According to him, it has never interfered with our sexual life
I asked my DH your question and he gave me the “have you lost your mind?” look. He told me “BF makes your boobs bigger, what guy doesn’t like that? Besides, that’s what they’re for. I mean, it’s nice that you let me play with them, can I play with them now?” Me “not right now” Him “Well their original purpose is to feed our children. That guy is a idiot who obviously doesn’t care about what’s best for his kids. People like him are what’s wrong with the world today.” Then he went into a rant about how some people shouldn’t have kids.
IMO my DH has become more attracted to me since we had our daughter. It’s almost become like our honeymoon again except now we have to be sneakier. I love my hubby!
I’m not really sure why this article got passed around on Twitter again. I remember discussing this on Twitter/Facebook months ago. I’m not sure if rehashing it again is a good idea, but you know, whatever. Asking the questions, “Did breastfeeding hurt your marriage?” is interesting, but the whole reason the article was written was because there was a family where the husband DID feel that his wife’s breastfeeding was hurting the marriage. Obviously the breastfeeding could have been a symptom of something greater or the fact that this woman’s priorities changed once she became a mom. Totally normal. His response is gross on many levels, but he’s coming from a perspective that is foreign to most people reading this blog.
Anyway, the article doesn’t make sense from an Orthodox Jewish perspective. I’m Jewish, not Orthodox, but I do know that Jewish law requires that a child be breastfed for a MINIMUM of two years and a MAXIMUM of five. I can’t imagine that I know that and Shmuley doesn’t, which is why the whole thing is bizarre to me.
I also will state that there are parts of the Orthodox lifestyle that are foreign to those of us who don’t practice it, but I think a little respect in some of the comments would go a long way.
our marriage or intimacy has not at all suffered because i’m breastfeeding our baby. my husband is as attracted to me as he was before i nursed.
i do use a cover while nursing because i think it’s naive to assume that others around me would not see my breasts as sexual body parts; because, as you stated in the western culture breasts are highly sexualized. i, also, appreciate when others around me who are also nursing use covers when nursing around men. the need for covers is based on the belief that men, in fact, do not lose their attraction to women and their breasts just because they are nursing. i think the two parts of your article contradicted a bit b/c on the one hand you are asserting that your intimacy has not changed although you are breastfeeding but you are also stating that you can whip out the boobies for breastfeeding and the husbands don’t bat an eyelash. really? they don’t? maybe they are used to seeing your goods but i think that men are still in general attracted by women’s breasts and view them as sexual, which is the very point you were trying to make, riiight?
I need to start by saying, I’m not a mom. But I am married and I am Jewish and will be having children in the next few years. And Rabbi Shmuley’s article infuriated me.
First, when I have children, I will absolutely put their health needs ahead of my husband’s libido. Every. single. time. And if he doesn’t understand that, then HE’S the one with the problem.
Second, if my marriage and relationship with my husband is founded only on his attraction to the “erotic” zones of my body, our marriage is flawed to begin with. And that has nothing to do with how long or often I breastfeed a child.
Third, for him to make this a Jewish culture issue is wrong. It’s male chauvinism. Don’t blame it on the Jews.
LOL @ “douchebag”
Honestly, having children has killed my sex life, not breastfeeding! I’ve been breastfeeding for two straight years and not once has my husband even IMPLIED that he is not attracted to me – and certainly NOT implicated breastfeeding!
My husband is definitely still attracted to me and although our sex life isn’t what it used to be, it’s because we have a 2 year old and a 3.5 month old – NOT because I breastfeed. Actually, it’s my 2 year old’s inability to go to bed at a half-decent time that’s killing our sex life
Sigh.
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[...] going to end by linking you to Melodie’s take on all this where you can read in the comments section how breastfeeding has or hasn’t affected other [...]
Hi,
no problem, really, breastfeeding and intimacy after witnessing the births of our three children, two of them home births, and some almost eight years of almost uninterrupted breastfeeding.
Fully agree with the views and analysis of Hayley above!
Best,
Dietrich, father of three.
Nursing has had a positive impact in every area of my life and my family, including my relationship with my husband. I could draw parallels between nursing and countless life lessons learned in other ways, but nursing became a come on to my husband by showing my resilience and dedication. Nursing is not easy, but showing my strength as a mother allowed my husband to fall in love with the person I instantly became with the birth of our son.
A childless friend of mine was commenting on how the fact that since I and one of our mutual friends were breastfeeding she felt our breasts had become “desexualized” . Where as we used to drunkly whip out our boobs on a night out we were now whipping them out for our babies to feed. My response? It’s a good thing my baby’s father is more of an “Ass man”.
In all seriousness though this rabbi is ignorant and sexist. And frankly kind of creepy. I asked my partner how he felt and he agrees that this article is a load of rubbish.
Okay, get the tomatoes ready: Yes, I sort of agree with the Rabbi. It’s one of the reasons I chose not to breastfeed. (And yes, I know how weird it is for the NaturalAsPossibleMom to say that.) I support people who breastfeed. I am not anti-BF. But I do think that eventually enough is enough.
(Raising umbrella to shield face.)
I should add: It’s not my husband who I was worried about, it was me. I just wasn’t into it and couldn’t see myself being intimate as a nursing mom.
Karen Bannan´s last [type] ..Sunburn on a Cloudy Day
@Karen, While I absolutely disagree with you (and the Rabbi) that breastfeeding hurts a marriage, I think it is one thing to make that decision for yourself as you did. I think it’s a completely different thing to call yourself a marriage expert and a religious leader and use that as a platform.
I also wonder how well that theory stands the test of anthropology. If breastfeeding hurt intimacy that would probably have had some sort of negative impact on the human race over the course of thousands of years, right?
Casey´s last [type] ..Being Done
Breastfeeding has not negatively effected the sexual side of my marriage. It has affected other parts of my marriage, not negatively just division of labor stuff. My husband does more house work than me, he helps our older child to bed more and those types of things that were more evenly divided.
He understands and encourages my daughter and I to nurse as frequently as we need. This leads to me being a happy rested Mama and MORE intimacy between us.
I also love that my four year old son’s first exposure to breasts is as function. I am also proud that he has seen all the men in my life supporting my breast feeding relationship with my daughter. I have no doubt that he will grow up to be a man who is sensitive to women and breast feeding.
[...] a long day away from home and 57 comments on yesterday’s post Has Breastfeeding Hurt Your Marriage? I arrived to find a letter in my inbox from a representative of Rabbi Shmuley’s website. It [...]
I wish I had the time to respond to everyone here but since I just received a letter from one of the Rabbi’s representatives who sent me his retraction and being gone all day, I don’t have a lot of time to do so. However, I do want to reply to a couple people.
@Elita – I didn’t even realize this article was written quite some time ago until your comment alerted me to it and then the Rabbi’s rep told me it was written in 2006 and was “unfortunately re-released” by someone more recently. I completely missed the conversation around this before. If I’d known it was old news I likely wouldn’t have written anything about it. However, turns out a heck of a lot of other people hadn’t read it either! It sure got a lot more press than his retraction anyway. I understood that breastfeeding hurt the marriage he was talking about, but because of the way he wrote that article I went on a bit of my own tangent in order to see how many other marriages it might negatively affect. I could’ve hashed out each of his points I disagreed with but I chose to do the post a different way. Not that I took your comment as bashing my choice to do this, I just wanted to let you know where I was coming from. And as for your comment about respect for a mostly widely unknown and misunderstood religion, that’s exactly why I didn’t hash out his points. While I DO disagree with them and wouldn’t choose them for myself (my few Jewish friends wouldn’t either) I didn’t want the post to be perceived as Jew-bashing AT ALL and I was afraid that no matter how hard I tried it would offend someone. I ended up maintaining my original opinion of him and his views of women once I felt like I had “permission” since my friend Hayley felt the same way.
@Amy – While I know that Western society in general sexualizes breasts I happen to have a circle of friends who are all lactivists: outspoken about breastfeeding, nurse in public without a cover, and practice long term breastfeeding. Their partners are supportive and have gotten very used to seeing breasts feeding babies. One of my friends is a LLL leader and has held meetings in her house. While her husband wasn’t around much at those times, he’s been around it for a loooong time. So yes, I truly believe that these guys are not sexualizing my breasts when they come out to nurse, nor any of the other moms. To do so would completely disrespect the values of their wives, and honestly I believe they value public breastfeeding as a form of lactivism too. Since you choose to use a nursing cover and are most comfortable with those who do, is it fair to assume you run with a different kind of circle of friends than I do? I think it might be safe to say you do. I have to remind myself that not everyone is like me and the people I surround myself with. I think it’s important for everyone else to realize the same thing.
To the moms, @Anonymous and @Morgan who have felt a strain in their marriage due to breastfeeding, thank you for sharing that here. It’s important to read all the stories.
To the dads who commented – I’m thrilled you took the time to do so.
@Karen – While I obviously can’t share your feelings on *this* subject I respect that they are yours and that everyone is on their own journey. And thank you for being brave enough to disagree.
I don’t think that breastfeeding has hurt our marriage at all- my husband is very supportive. He does seem to have relinquished all control of “the girls” to our baby, though. I wish he could see them a little more as dual-purposed…but he’s kind of an “all or nothing” person. However, I think that if breastfeeding did hurt a marriage it would be a symptom of a larger problem, not the actual problem, and removing the breastfeeding probably wouldn’t help much in most cases.
I agree with someone else who said that co-sleeping/bedsharing is more of an issue- every couple of weeks I get a question about when she’s going to be in HER bed (she’s 4.5 months..). But we’re working on being more spontaneous and less bed-centered in our lovemaking- it doesn’t just have to happen in the bed, and then that problem is much smaller.
Wow! So many comments too. No way did breastfeeding hurt my marriage. Of course the sex declined for a while, but my husband’s paradigm shifted a bit too after our son was born and he was in nurturing mode and was equally tired and had a lowered libido. Our marriage is STRONGER, but sex is less. My husband could compartmentalize my boobs between sexual stimuli and life-giving nourishment for our son pretty easily. I agree with one commenter who took the anthropology angle. How did we survive and keep procreating if breastfeeding interfered? Duh!
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[...] Breastfeeding Moms Unite [...]
Breastfeeding has not hurt my marriage at all. My hubby actually supports the natural birth/ extended breastfeeding thing more than I do…and I am a HUGE supporter. When we watched the Business of Being born before my daughter was born my hubby was ready for me to have her at home. lol. I think more men (and women) would be more supportive if they had the right information. The more my hubby knows the more he supports it. But before he knew anything he was all set to bottle fed because it was the norm.
Alexandra´s last [type] ..To cover or not to cover?
Breastfeeding has and is hurting my marriage. I think having children in general has hurt my marrage. From the moment our first was born I discovered that my husband what not the father I thought he was going to be. He has changed so much – being very shelfish and ego-centric. I often feel like I am living with a roommate instead of a husband. A year and 9 months after our first I confronted him about not having sex and he became all embarrased and asked when I would stop breastfeeding. I did explain to him that I was perfectly fine to have sex but he said he did feel comfortable with the idea – just like when I was pregnant. So now after our second — we are farther apart now than we ever have been. I hate it but would never change a thing about my beautiful children and breastfeeding them. What I am really sad about is that I really do want more children and just can’t come to terms with the thought that I will probably not.
Not at all … things are great! I expected not to be doing the “deed” very often in these early months, but things have actually been great. I was quite surprised to find that breastfeeding *increases* my libido … like, by a LOT. And my husband is way into it too — he appreciates the larger size, as well as getting a peep at them fairly often.
I think it makes him feel extra loving to see his wife as a mother, watching me take care of his baby.
So — bring on the breastfeeding!
Sheila´s last [type] ..24 years ….
The only way for breastfeeding to ruin my marriage would be if I were to start breastfeeding other men.
I asked my husband if he thought he would bond better with our kids if we bought bottles for him to feed our next baby. He looked at me like I was crazy. He loves that I still breastfeed our 2 year old- he knows it fixes so many problems. I do nurse through the night and we cosleep, but DH doesn’t seem to mind that either. Sometimes we just have to be creative when we have time to ourselves- like having sex in the morning instead of at night.
TopHat´s last [type] ..Rebuilding the Bubble
Why would the fact that a belief is religiously based exempt it from judgement? I’m not advocating rudeness, but I don’t think anything should get a free pass just because it’s religious. Remember that both female and male genital mutilation are religious practices. I personally find both abhorrent, and I will criticize them until my last breath.
I’m sure there are religions that says crazy things about breastfeeding. Should we hold back criticism if they publish an article about it?
Hi Rich,
@Rich – You make a very good point. Thank you for bringing that up and using the analogy of genital mutilation. I guess I was trying to say that not being Jewish myself I didn’t feel qualified to point out Torah passages or anything to help illustrate, in a way you could relate to, why he as wrong. I’m the kind of person who likes to meet people where they are. If on their own turf I can explain their wrongs it generally makes for a better argument. Luckily I had other Jewish women come to defense for me. I just think you can catch more flies with honey, which goes along with what you said about rudeness I suppose.
Hm.
I guess I am trying to say I agree with you, I did criticize his opinion in the end, and other than calling him a douchebag (lol) I think I did an okay job of it.
Melodie´s last [type] ..Vegetarian Foodie Fridays: Cabbage and Beans Au Gratin