Today I am delighted to host a guest post by Karen Angstadt of Intentional Birth.com. She is looking for other moms’ perspectives on nursing a toddler to use on her VoiceAmerica Network radio show: A Labor of Love. Please read the post and then make sure you take a moment to answer one or more of her specific questions at the bottom of the page.
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It’s been a few months since we talked about it and I wasn’t really sure what would happen next. I’ve been second-guessing myself: my priorities, my original commitment to child-led weaning- and even my parenting.
So what’s happening, you ask? I told my little girl that I wanted to stop nursing after her birthday. We talked about it in March and now her birthday is right around the corner. In fact, it’s this week. She’ll be three on Wednesday.
I haven’t mentioned it in a few weeks because I wasn’t sure I would follow through. I’ve had it easy in terms of bedtime, because nursing her to sleep is still the best job in the house. I’m not sure I want to give that up. (I would like to stop nursing first thing in the morning. My kids were born pre-programmed with internal alarm clocks that ring between 5 and 6 a.m. every day. The request for morning nursing comes early and I’m not a morning person.)
About a week ago, a friend I hadn’t seen in a while commented about K, how big she’s grown and praised her communication skills. She also let me know that K confided in her that we’re going to stop nursing after her birthday. This was my first external confirmation that she remembers our conversation.
Breastfeeding has been a long (and rewarding) path for me. It helped solidify my feelings about myself as a mother after a difficult birth experience. It took time, patience, persistence and commitment and in return gave me strength, validation, rest, and peace.
I struggled with learning to breastfeed the first time around, because it was a lot tougher than I thought, and because I didn’t prepare in advance. I couldn’t figure out why I’d need a class for something so “natural” & boy did I find out in a hurry. My daughter, J, continued to nurse through most of my pregnancy, and only stopped when my breasts were too sore to continue.
My learning curve the second time around, with K, was much shorter but included cracked and bleeding nipples from her very strong and persistent latch. These healed quickly with my experienced know-how and the help of lanolin and gel pads.
I never anticipated nursing so long. It never occurred to me in the early days that my babies wouldn’t understand or care what the calendar (or poorly informed pediatricians) said about their needs. So I’m still a little surprised to find myself weaning, via open dialog, a communicative three year old.
More surprising to me, I wrote about seeking a gentle end for nursing K almost a year ago, in my very first blog post. Now it’s really happening and my feelings are still mixed. I’m ready. At least I think I am. I never expected to breastfeed 2 children for nearly 5 ½ years total. I never expected to nurse a toddler. I have been (happily) surprised by many aspects of mothering.
To celebrate my daughter’s birthday and in honor of this gentle transition, I’m planning to dedicate an episode of A Labor of Love to nursing a toddler. Here’s where I could really use your help.
I only know my own experience, and although I’m planning to share the ideas that brought me to this point, I want to be sure I present additional perspectives and views. So I want to hear from the breastfeeding mamas who read and comment here at Breastfeeding Moms Unite.
I want to hear what you think: Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Why or why not? Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way?
What did you gain by nursing your toddler? What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?
I’ll be reading the comments here, but I won’t use them without your specific permission. You can give permission for me to read your comments during the show within your comment. (I plan to mention your first name and blog name, along with your comment.)
If you are available for a live show (Mondays at 1pm ET/10 am PT) and would consider sharing your story on the air, email me at Intentional Birth (at) yahoo (dot) com for more information.
Thanks in advance for your help- and thanks for everything that you each add to the larger breastfeeding community. It’s supportive women like you who have made it possible for me to nurse each of my girls into toddlerhood.
Karen Angstadt is a mother of 2, Wise Woman and Birth Mentor. With over 10 years experience teaching women to uncover, hear and honor their intuition through individual mentoring, in 2008, Karen began sharing her methods with pregnant women to guide them to their inner voice and empowered choices for birth.
Karen is the founder of Intentional Birth.com, host of A Labor of Love radio show on the VoiceAmerica network, author of the ebook, To Thine Own Self Be True, and serves women through individual mentoring, tele-seminars, and home study material.
Related posts:
- A Bike, A Beach and A Nursing Toddler
- Breastfeeding A Toddler During Pregnancy
- The Pros and Cons of Breastfeeding a Toddler
- Breast Milk or Food? A Breastfeeding Toddler Dilemma
- Transitioning a Breastfeeding Toddler To Her Own Bed
Tags: A Labor of Love, Karen Angstadt
Yes I nursed my daughter into toddler hood not to far in she and I mutually agreed that it was time to stop when she was about 2 ½ ,although if she had wanted I would have kept going for who knows how long. The reason I nursed her beyond just the first year was because I knew it was good for her and I could see the results of every additional day that I kept on. I began the journey of breastfeeding telling myself that I HAD to at least do it for a year but if it worked out I would keep going on as long as possible. The longer I kept it up the more I was like when she is done she is done. Who am I to deny her what has nourished her this long. I gained the knowledge of nursing a toddler , and a healthy child. I learned that its not as hard as a lot of people make it seem. I learned to ignore the people who thought I was crazy for nursing her longer than a year. I would want mothers that are just beginning the journey of breast feeding to know that it may be hard but it is worth it. They should also know that it doesn’t matter if you do not make it as far as you had planned, everyday they did it made a difference for their child. And to take it one feeding at a time and enjoy the time with your baby/toddler. sorry i know that was alot hope it helps
oh and feel free to use my comment if you would like
I nursed all three of my sons into toddlerhood, tandem nursing DS1 with DS2, then DS2 with DS3. That was 9 years of continuous breastfeeding. I had no plan for how long I would breastfeed with my first son though did not plan on nursing a toddler. But, after weaning during the third trimester of my second pregnancy because I lost my milk, my eldest started nursing again as soon as the milk was back and there we were.
I completely understand feeling my body was not my own and wanting it back. I often felt “touched out.” But none of my boys self-weaned. I know they would have eventually but I think they would have been five or older before they gave up night nursing. So we weaned very very gradually. If I had it to do over, I would have let them nurse longer even though they nursed until ages 4, 3 , and 2 respectively. I think they needed as much breast milk as possible for health reasons since my family has allergy, G.I., and sensory issues. My choice to breastfeed into toddlerhood was really just following their choice. They needed it so I did it.
The problem I see with your birthday weaning date is that your daughter doesn’t understand time and finality the way you do. Setting an absolute end date, rather than gradually reducing the number of nursing sessions, may lead to more sadness and mourning than you might want.
Jake Aryeh Marcus´s last [type] ..Will “Gay Friendly” McDonald’s Ad Air in the U.S.?
What I would tell my younger self: “You are going to miss this and they will remember it in their very bones.”
Jake Aryeh Marcus´s last [type] ..Will “Gay Friendly” McDonald’s Ad Air in the U.S.?
I nursed my first untill he was just over 2yrs. A very gentle wean process and I felt the excitement around his birthday would be too much to not have nursing there. I thought I might wean because I was having difficulty getting pregnant of course looking back I don’t think that was the case. I’m still nursing my second, he is 2 1/2 and my new baby 7 weeks. My second seems to NEED it much more then my first did. I also intended to keep my milk ‘in’ so the new baby gets good milk right away. I tend to have some delayed milk production that I didn’t this time!!!
My second only nurses in the morning and at nap time and the occasional injury. He loves all the new milk that his sister brought. I am feeling a bit over touched and unable to eat enough to feel able to nurse both sometimes. I think I want him to want it less but I know how that attitude seems to make kids want things more. I think I want to stop nursing him this summer but I am not firm, I’ll just have to see how it goes and how he is handling things. YOu can use this!
Flexiblity it very important!
Naomi´s last [type] ..Summer Babe (Housewife)
My son will turn 2 in September and we are still nursing frequently. Before he was born I had planned to breastfeed for at least one year, and to just see what happened after that. Well, what happened is that he was a total milkaholic, and there was no way I was going to try to wean! Another year has almost passed, and now I do find myself thinking about weaning every now and again. I hope to be pregnant soon and I hope that his interest begins to wane once that happens.
You may use my comment if you want.
My mom had nursed my sisters and I all for several years, and as the oldest I remember her nursing my younger sisters into toddlerhood. But before my first child was born, I was convinced that 18 months was my limit.
My daughter ended up nursing twice that long. I couldn’t have imagined stopping at 18 months when she still depended on it so much for comfort, to fall asleep, etc. But by 2 1/2 her interest dropped dramatically. She nursed for the last time the day after her third birthday. It was not a planned birthday weaning; the two just happened to coincide. I had started to realize that she was no longer asking to nurse, and was only nursing when I offered it out of habit. The last time she nursed, I was uncomfortable because she was fidgety and her latch was sloppy and our hearts weren’t in it. Suddenly, I had an “aha” moment — that she needed some other kind of comfort, that the nursing that had always been my fallback and cure-all just wasn’t doing it any more. I never offered again and she never asked. It didn’t feel child-led or mother-led; it just felt like what was meant to happen for both of us. We were both in sync and both ready to let it go.
My second child just turned two last week, and he’s still nursing. I don’t see weaning in our future any time soon, though I’ve learned that you never know.
I would remind new moms that nursing is a relationship between two people, and that when you’re nursing a toddler you have to consider the needs of both your child and yourself (not what your mother-in-law or anybody else thinks). I would encourage a weaning that is gentle and sensitive to both of your needs (physical and emotional), regardless at what age it occurs. I would ask women to disregard cultural norms when making decisions about toddler nursing, and to wait until you have a toddler to decide if it’s right for you. Because it doesn’t matter how big they get, when they’re in your lap nursing, they will still be your baby.
And yes you can use my comments if you like!
St. Louis Smart Mama´s last [type] ..Cool Mom Picks for Every Occasion
Feel free to use my comments
Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Why or why not? Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way? What did you gain by nursing your toddler? What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?
My 2-year-old is still nursing (along with my 4 month old). Why? Because it feels right. When I got pregnant, it was very important to me that I breastfeed, but I always assumed that I’d wean around a year. When I started attending La Leche League meetings, I saw how little one year olds are and that’s when my thinking began to change. The thing is, you start out nursing a newborn and as time goes on, you realize eventually how big your baby is but how much they still need to nurse!
I believe in child-led weaning but also understand that even in the animal kingdom, mothers do sometimes help the process along! I would never consider completely weaning my child before 2.5, but I also believe that since nursing is a relationship, if mom needs a break from a specific nursing session, then that’s okay and she should do that (respectfully) in order to preserve the entire relationship.
I love nursing my toddler and am often sad that I’m not able to nurse her completely on demand (since I’m so often holding and nursing her brother).
Kim´s last [type] ..My beautiful little girl …
We did the birthday wean when my oldest turned four. The reason I stopped was b/c we were tandem nursing for a year and it got to a point where it was too much for me and I was starting to resent him asking. We talked a lot about it leading up to the birthday. He didn’t ask for months and then he did ask for it. Every so often he brings it up and says things like, “I loved nursing. Your milk tasted like love.”
My second I just weaned at 2ish b/c of pregnancy and discomfort. I plan on offering it to him when baby is born and my milk comes in again—in just a week or two!
hillary´s last [type] ..hillaryboucher: RT @ToniRaquel: RT @midwifeamy: Train your hospital staff WHY and *HOW* to do skin-to-skin contact after birth. http://bit.ly/aTDviB
I didn’t plan on any specific time to wean. I did feel quite firm that I wanted the children to self-wean. The only thing I did with my first was stop the nap-nurse at about 20 months. It was making me feel completely crazy. The morning nursing and the night nursing was just fine. So, I encouraged other ways of getting quiet and calm before a nap. He was not happy about it. I found out a little while later that I was pregnant with No. 2, which may have explained my craziness. Anyway, we continued nursing in the morning and at night until just before his second birthday. Dropping the morning feeding first, and about a week later the night feeding. I was about five months pregnant at the time.
The last little bit of the weaning process was very natural. One day he was just being futzy and not getting down to business. I asked him if he was done, and he said he was. I said that if he was done, we were going to stop nursing all together. And he was ok with that. Same thing happened about a week later with the nighttime nurse. He decided both times, and only rarely asked again.
Interestingly, the day before we stopped both the morning and night nursings, he had the longest nursing session, something like a half an hour. I thought it seemed like he was storing it up because he knew it would be the last time.
My younger son is 17 months old, and still nursing before every sleeping event, and after each one, too. He actually comes up and asks to nurse, which my first did not. That is interesting for me. Mostly I contain it to sleep times and when we are home.
I had no time line about nursing – I figured we would know when to stop. I don’t think I thought about nursing a toddler who was really verbal and able to express himself, but it seemed perfectly natural.
Kimberly´s last [type] ..ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz……..
Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Why or why not? I nurse my daughter, shes a little over 2.5.
Originally I took it day by day, aiming for 6 weeks… 6 months, when we got to a year i could see she just wasn’t ready to stop yet and we’ve continued til now. At 2.5 I dropped the day time nursing as it was just getting too much all the time, and we now just feed morning and night.
Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way? I planned to go to a year as thats pretty standard here in the uk. then 2 years, and now I don’t know how long i’ll night and morning nurse her… we’ll have to see.
What did you gain by nursing your toddler? I wouldn’t say i gained that much for me, I have found it hard work, being touched out and fed up alot! however its a hugely useful tool to get her to sleep, and especially when shes ill… i don’t know how non nursing mums cope with that, just knowing shes getting something in her thats helping makes it worth it.
What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? take things a day at a time and follow your child.
Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Why or why not? Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way?
I decided to nurse from the very beginning of my pregnancy. I didn’t have a specific time frame in mind, but just figured I would “know” when my baby was ready to wean. The first time I saw an older child nurse was at a La Leche League meeting. My daughter was around a year, and we attended a “nursing your older child” meeting– my one year old was the youngest child there! I thought all these walking, talking, 3-5 year olds were too old to “still” be nursing! And then my daughter weaned at 6 years 4 months…. She nursed through 2 pregnancies, helping me heal from one that was a miscarriage at 3 months. I nursed both my daughter and my son for 13 months. (I had to wean my son at 13 months because of a serious medical condition– my daughter actually weaned after he had to).
What did you gain by nursing your toddler? What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?
My daughter was an incredibly intense baby, toddler, and child. I have worked with many, many children over the years, and I have never seen tantrums like my daughter’s. It turns out she is bipolar. Nursing her gave me sometimes my only connection with her when she was in a raging tantrum. Sometimes the only thing that would calm her was “nursies.” My son was very, very sick his entire time nursing. Watching such a tiny one so desperately ill and not being able to help him was heart wrenching. Nursing him gave him, and me, some comfort in the closeness, and in the feeling that I was able to comfort him. He is now an incredibly kind, empathetic 6 year old, and I like to think that the time we spent nursing had a little to do with his tender nature today. I would tell new moms just beginning to nurse not to put a time frame on nursing. You WILL “know” when the time is right to wean. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby. If that means weaning around his/her first birthday, then do that. If it means nursing much longer, do that. As I used to tell my critics, “I know she’ll be weaned by the time she graduates from high school.”
*you may use any comments you would like
I am tandem nursing my nearly three year old and her 18 month old brother. I went into motherhood hoping to practice attachment parenting as much as possible but I didn’t have any real plans as to how long I would nurse.
Breastfeeding with my first was very difficult at first. She and I had the hardest time coordinating latching on. One afternoon when she was about six weeks old she latched and didn’t “pop off.” It was our first full nursing session and we haven’t looked back since. I got pregnant unexpectedly when she was just seven months old and I was devastated to think that our breastfeeding relationship we fought so hard for was going to come to an end. I literally prayed every night for milk. Nursing through pregnancy was painful and difficult at times but it was so worth it to me to feel like I was making sure my firstborn had her “infanthood” and that the arrival of her new sibling wasn’t going to take away from what I wanted to give her.
Nursing my second was SO much easier. My milk came in immediately since I was nursing two. At that point my daughter was nursing up to six times a day and of course we all know how often newborns nurse. I didn’t do anything but breastfeed for a few weeks! She will wean when she is ready. I totally trust that process and feel it is unfair to rush her.
It is funny to think that now my little boy is old enough that some would think it odd that he is still breastfeeding. He is still just a baby at a year and a half! No way is he ready to stop. Now that both children are a little older I don’t feel as “trapped” as sometimes pregnant and breastfeeding mothers do. If I get really sick, I don’t hesitate to take medicine. If it is a special occasion I have a glass of wine. Breastfeeding only enhances my life it doesn’t restrict me.
What do I gain nursing my toddlers? Downtime with them for one. Toddlers are SO active learning about the world that the time I spend cuddled with them on the bed breastfeeding is precious. Another perk is when they are sick, they will almost always still breastfeed so no panic over dehydration or worrying that they aren’t eating. Speaking of not eating, we all know how toddlers are about eating. I don’t worry as much if all my kid wants to eat is a ketchup and mustard sandwich for three days in a row because I know they are still getting nutrients from breastmilk. Another plus? Instant mood calmer. The toddler years can be turbulent to put it mildly and nursing helps to provide safety and security when their feelings are out of control. One perk I have sadly not enjoyed is watching all the extra weight I gained during pregnancy disappear. Sigh. I nurse TWO children! One would think I would have lost that extra 20 pounds!
What would I want other moms to know? OH MY GOSH breastfeeding is hard. HARD. I had no idea it might be so difficult. But just because it is hard is no excuse to give up. I think a lot of first time moms hear during their pregnancies about breastfeeding being the natural thing to do, then when it comes hard to them they assume too quickly that it is just the way it is and it will never get better. See lactation consultants, more than one if you have to. Get support, have access to a quality pump and take good care of yourself. Don’t fear the bottle. Pump and give them a bottle if you are truly worried about them getting enough to eat until you are reassured. Go into it knowing that it might be challenging. I feared I’d never be able to breastfeed since things started out so poorly and if I’d known that sometimes it just takes time (even weeks) to get the hang of it I might have been more relaxed about the whole thing.
I have believed for as long as I can recall that nursing was essential and should be the first choice in all but extreme circumstances. When I got pregnant, I intended to nurse for at least a year, preferably 2.
At the same time, I had always had this feeling that once children were old enough to ask to nurse, they were probably old enough to understand that it was time to wean. I had seen plenty of older children climbing under their mom’s tops or otherwise nursing publicly beyond what *I* believed was appropriate. I was very naive and insensitive.
I realized quickly that my baby (and all children) have ways of asking much sooner than the casual observer would realize. (I would hope that new mothers would come to this realization on their own.) After our daughter turned 2, I began to set limits, with the support of my husband, on where/when we nursed. By the time that she was 3, I also began offering alternate suggestions and required that she ask instead of climbing under my clothing, etc.
She was very fond of nursing and whenever the subject of weaning would come up seemed to be very upset as though she thought that it was some horrible form of punishment. I began to hope that she would be weaned by the time she turned 5 but didn’t want to arbitrarily cut her off. Ultimately, she self-weaned a little after her 5th birthday. I realized at some point that she’d stopped asking and that it had been more than a week. A couple more weeks passed and she was having a bad night and asked to nurse and I told her that it had been weeks and weeks and that she’d weaned herself without anyone realizing it.
It’s been almost a year now. She still sometimes says how much she misses nursing. She still has difficulty accepting the boundaries that I’m trying to establish with my own body (and by extension model for her)… We were really blessed that our nursing relationship was almost entirely positive. On some levels I honestly wish that it could have gone on forever. At the same time, I’m enjoying the evolution of our relationship beyond the breast.
You’re welcome to use anything that you think would be of value.
I’m still nursing my 29 month old son. He’ll probably self wean, with maybe a gentle nudge from me.
What I tell pregnant mommies (I’m a WIC peer counselor) is that you do NOT “Have to” wean at 12 months. That there is a cycle of RELAXATION that comes with nursing a toddler! No worrying about supply because they’re eating good. No worrying on the days they don’t eat because they’re nursing good. And if they’re comfort nursers you don’t have to worry much about dehydration when they’re sick either! (Not to mention no more pumping if you’re a working mom! They can drink cow milk or another alternative while you’re gone. I threw away the pump on his birthday and did a victory dance around the dumpster!!!) So if you’re still nursing at 12 months don’t let ANYONE tell you you “have to” stop!
Nursing is such a comfort and not just for “the baby” right after his first birthday we went through a horrible time and were actually living in a shelter. The ONLY time I could relax is while he was nursing! The combination of nursing hormones and “connectedness” is POWERFUL!
You can certainly use this whenever and where ever! I dream of the day I hear some one else tell me about the cycle of relaxation that is toddler nursing!
Sarah Cassill´s last [type] ..HA!
Oh, and I also love knowing that even on fast food days he gets something healthy!
Sarah Cassill´s last [type] ..HA!
No, I did not nurse my children into toddlerhood, although I desperately wanted to and was absolutely devistated to discover that babies actually SELF WEAN at young ages. This was something I’d never heard of. In fact, all I’d heard was the opposite, that if you nursed, eventually you would have to force your child to wean, and it might be very hard on both of you. So when I had my first baby, Ava Rose, born on Valentine’s Day of 2006 after 2 IVF cycles and 3 days of failed induced labor ending in a c-section, I was very excited to begin nursing ASAP. Although I could not even get out of bed due to the epidural from the c-section, I had people bring her to me as frequently as possible, and she “roomed in” with us so I could nurse her all the time. We got off to a pretty easy start, which thrilled me after how hard everything else had been on my journey to motherhood. She took to nursing immediately, and she loved nursing and nursed exclusively (including getting my pumped milk in bottles sometimes) until we started introducing baby food when she was around 9 months old (by the way, the pediatrician said to start giving her baby food at 6 months, and as a pediatric RN, I knew that was absolutely not necessary and would probably interfere with the whole “supply and demand” thing, so I held off, and I believe all nursing mothers should hold off on introducing baby food until the child is much closer to 1 year old).
I LOVED nursing. I hoped/planned to nurse Ava at least to her first birthday, well beyond, if possible. But then something happened. She hit that developmental milestone where suddenly she was more interested in the world than in having her face buried in my chest where she couldn’t see anything behind her. And she began to self wean quite quickly, well before her first birthday. Although I was already pumping milk several times a day to make sure she could have my milk, exclusively, but still have the occasional bottle when I needed to sleep a bit more (and to keep my supply way up), she just didn’t seem interested in me or my milk anymore. It got to the point where my supply dropped dramatically due to the lack of nursing… even constant pumping didn’t keep it up. So then we had to start giving her some formula mixed in with the pumped milk, which made me angry/feel like a failure/confused about why this was happening/feel like a “bad mother.” I did continue to attempt to nurse her many times a day, every day, and she would nurse for maybe 3 minutes or less, and then she just wouldn’t sit still to nurse. So my original goal, to nurse her for a few years, if possible, changed to “Give her my milk until her 1st birthday, even if it’s only via bottles.” It got to the point where she just REFUSED to nurse, and I would sit with her in the rocker in the nursery and cry and beg for her to nurse. Finally, one day I gave up on getting her to keep nursing as she would actually cry and scream when I tried to get her to latch on, but I did continue to pump, even though very little came out. I missed my goal by 1 week–we ran out of pumped breast milk 1 week prior to her 1st birthday, and I wasn’t able to pump any more even though I tried. I was devistated and felt like a complete failure that I couldn’t even “make it” to her 1st birthday. Especially when it seemed all the other mothers I knew had babies that were happily nursing well into their 2nd or even 3rd year of life!
So shortly after that, I decided since I was no longer making breast milk, it would be ok to go for another IVF cycle since the fertility doctors had told me I could not do so (due to the hormones) as long as I was nursing or pumping. So the upside to her self weaning so young was that I was able to get pregnant again (the IVF worked on the first try this time) when she was still young, so my children are only about 21 months apart, which I love as they are the best of friends because they are so close in age.
With my second child, I had a scheduled c-section due to medical issues on my part. I thought, “This is great, no 3 days of failed labor this time, I won’t be exhausted when he’s born, it’ll be so much easier to enjoy those first few days.” Well, unfortunately, when my son was pulled out of me, he never took that first breath. Apparently there is a fairly common phenemenon with scheduled c-sections (which, again, I had never heard of) that when the baby is not exposed to the hormones from labor, it doesn’t know what to do when it’s born, so it does nothing, including not taking that first breath. So there I am, lying on the table in the OR, feeling the doctors tugging on my uterus, but all I could do was listen for that first cry. And it didn’t come. Instead, what I eventually heard was the pediatricians say something about needing to “start CPR.” So here I am, strapped down to the table, cut wide open, but if I could have, I would have lept off that table and run over to my brand new son and done the CPR myself! I have to tell you, that “lack of a first cry” was the most deafening silence I’ve ever experienced in my life. And when that first cry did eventually come after they’d worked on him for a while, it was very weak, quiet and un-reassuring. I’m thinking, “Please don’t say you have to take him to the NICU, please let him be able to room in with me,” but sure enough, the next thing I know they are whisking him off to the NICU. Neither my husband or I got to see or hold him. So as they carried him past me to take him to the NICU, I asked them to at least show me his face, which they did for a split second. I remember thinking to myself for the day after that, “I wouldn’t even be able to recognize my own son if I were to see him.” My son, who we named Joey, ended up needing to be put on a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine due to the fluid in his lungs, and he needed IV glucose due to low blood sugar. So even though I didn’t have to go through the trauma of 3 days of failed labor like I’d gone through with my daughter, at least at the end of that I had my baby with me in the recovery room and in my hospital room, and all her relatives got to meet her and hold her in the recovery room. This time, I was alone in the recovery room–no baby with me. Again, I felt like a “bad mother” and a total failure, like this was somehow all my fault. And I was in mourning over the loss of the “perfect birth” I’d been anticipating, over the loss of the chance to meet and hold my newborn son, over the loss of the chance to nurse him right away, over the loss of the chance to have him “room in” with me. To make matters worse, since I’d had an operation, I was not allowed to leave the maternity unit to go to the NICU until I was 12 hours post-op, so for TWELVE AGONIZING HOURS I just laid there, crying, wishing I could be with my son. I asked for a breast pump and began pumping immediately, and luckily the colustrum came out from the first pumping session. And it only took about 1 day for my milk to fully come in so that I could pump whole bottles of breastmilk for my son. I was determined that he would get my milk, no matter what. So they gave him my pumped colustrum, but until my milk came in, they insisted on also giving him formula, which (again) made me feel angry/sad/mad/like a failure and “bad mother.” But as a pediatric nurse, I knew the most important thing right then was his health, and he needed all the calories he could get to heal and grow.
I was finally able to meet my son around midnight the next day. I didn’t care that it was the middle of the night. All I cared about was being with him. So I went down to the NICU in a wheelchair, and I finally got to meet/touch/hold/kiss my baby for the first time. It was such a bittersweet moment. I immediately tried to nurse him, but he wouldn’t latch on. I panicked and worried he might never nurse, might not be a “natural nurser” like Ava had been. But the next time I visited him in the NICU and tried to nurse, he did latch on and nurse. And he nursed every other time after that. I continued to pump every couple of hours, and when they released him from the NICU the next day, they wouldn’t let him “room in” with me as they felt he still needed close monitoring, so they admitted him to the nursery on the maternity unit where I was. So then, at least we were on the same floor. I would go in there and attempt to nurse him as often as possible, but they still had to give him my bottled milk to make sure he was getting all the calories he needed to heal fully. Finally, 2 days after the c-section, they let him come to my room. He then “roomed in” with me for a couple of days, and I was in heaven. His big sister finally got to meet him. His grandparents finally got to hold him. I finally got to snuggle with him in bed and nurse him comfortably in bed. And then it was “discharge day,” and I was all packed and dressed, and I’d just dressed Joey in his special “going home outfit” when the doctors came into my room and said they needed to re-admit Joey to the nursery because his bilirubin levels were getting dangerously high, so he needed to be under the purple bili lights for a few days. At that point I think I just lost it–finally everything was better, and now it was all falling apart again. To make matters worse, they had already discharged me officially, so I couldn’t stay at the hospital in that room to continue nursing and pumping frequently. And I lived an hour from the hospital. But I was determined to keep up with the nursing and pumping, so I told them, “I’m not leaving. You find a place for me to stay.” Ultimately, I was able to sleep on a small pull out chair (5 days post c-section–not fun) in what they called the “nursing lounge” on the floor. So I “lived” in this room, which had a bathroom with a toilet and sink but no shower, and no bed, and I continued to pump every 2 hours and to nurse him whenever they would let me. Even though I was only 5 days post-op, I had to fend for myself now–had to walk all the way to the outpatient pharmacy to have my pain medicine perscription filled, had to go down to the cafeteria to get food, had to totally take care of myself. But I did it, all of it, for Joey, for our nursing relationship.
I feel what I went through to get out nursing relationship established, under the difficult and unfortunate circumstances we kept facing, was really a huge accomplishment. For in the end, not only did he become a “natural nurser,” but all that pumping I’d done had made my supply spike, so I had a ton of milk, and I kept pumping and freezing the milk for future use, giving him some of it in bottles when needed, but ultimately getting to the point where he got about 90% of his milk directly from the breast. That lasted for about 8 months–and then he hit that same stage my daughter had hit at 9 months, the “I want to look at the world and not have my face buried in your chest” stage. And, honestly, it made me livid. I thought to myself, “After everything I went through to make sure you could and would nurse, you’re doing this to me? You’re pushing me away, rejecting me?” All those old feelings of anger/confusion/sadness/resentment came back to me. WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN? And, of course, once he wouldn’t nurse much, despite constant pumping, my supply dropped dramatically. It was the same thing I’d been through with Ava, all over again. But this time, I was more prepared. I knew about a medication that would probably increase my milk supply drastically as it has a side effect of increasing prolactin levels (domperidone), but it’s not legal in the United States, so I had to get it from another country and pay full price for it, many hundreds of dollars. But I was willing to do anything, including paying that money and risking getting in trouble with customs if they discovered I was bringing “illegal medication” into the country. Once it arrived, I took it religiously, and I found my supply basically doubled within about 3-5 days of starting it. So I continued to pump like crazy, determined to have Joey receive milk to his first birthday, at least, since I hadn’t quite been able to meet that goal with Ava. So I took the medication, pumped, froze my milk and thawed out the older frozen milk, as needed, for Joey to get in bottles because he absolutely just would NOT nurse at all anymore. As the supply of frozen milk started to dwindle faster than I could replace it, I decided to bite the bullet and start giving him bottles that were half milk, half formula. Same old feelings as before came back (anger, sadness, failure, “bad mother,” etc…). But doing that made the frozen milk supply last longer, and as my body’s supply dropped despite taking the medication, I realized that eventually it wouldn’t be worth it to keep pumping since very little was coming out. So, eventually I accepted the situation and gave up–stopped taking the medicine and stopped pumping. But, guess what? I had enough milk that Joey actually DID get breast milk to his first birthday–in fact, he even got it for a week after his birthday before the last of the frozen milk ran out! So, despite the fact that I was mourning the loss of the nursing, I was very proud and happy to have met, in fact to have passed, my goal this time. Of course, my original goal had been to nurse him well into toddlerhood, as I’d hoped to do with my first child, but he had other ideas. Just like his sister, he was a self weaner way before he was even one, much to my dismay.
When I hear about women being able to nurse their children well into toddlerhood, I have to admit, I am very jealous. It reminds me all over again of what I lost. I was one of those women who just absolutely LOVED nursing and would have done anything at all to make it last. I know I did everything I could, and that my children being natural self-weaners wasn’t my fault, but a part of me still feels like I must have done *something* wrong to make them both self wean. I know, I know, that’s unrealistic and unfair to myself, and yet I still find myself thinking that sometimes. I am very glad for those of you who have children that did not self wean, glad that you were able to nurse for as long as you wanted to, whether it was 6 months, 1 year, or 2-3 years. I wish I had been one of those women, a woman who could choose when to stop nursing rather than to have that choice/time forced upon me by my children.
I don’t think I’ll ever quite get over the fact that both of my children self weaned at such a young age. I still look at the photos of me nursing them and have this bittersweet pang in my chest. I miss it so much. I LOVED nursing like nothing else I’d ever experienced (except for pregnancy, which I also loved). So when I hear about women being able to nurse for years, or to tandem nurse, yes, the green monster in me comes out, but I keep it in my head and smile and encourage them to “keep up the great work.” We all know how wonderful breastmilk is for a child’s body, how amazing the bonding experience of nursing is for the mother and child, and how good it is for the mother’s body to make breastmilk (it helps the uterus shrink back to its normal size more quickly and helps her lose the “pregnancy weight”).
I honestly wish I had been able to nurse my children well into toddlerhood, but that’s not the plan God had for us, I guess. I don’t know why, and I do believe that the whole “feeling like a failure because my children won’t nurse” thing lead to what ended up being a pretty severe post-partum depression, ultimately. It probably didn’t help that I’d been loaded up on hormones for 3 IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies in 2 years, and 2 years of nursing, including artificially raising my prolactin levels with the medication. I’m sure the hormonal craziness I went through is what ultimately caused the PPD. And yet, I don’t regret any of it, and I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat because I now have two beautiful, wonderful, smart children, and I got to nurse for close to 2 years total, which, although it was a lot less than I wanted, is still a pretty good amount of time in the grand scheme of things. And if I had anything at all to tell my “younger self” about all of this, it would be to “let go and let God” since it all turned out ok, despite the fact that NONE of it went how I wanted/planned for it to, from how and when I got pregnant to how the pregnancies went (I had gestational diabetes both times), to how the deliveries went (2 c-sections, definitely not my first choice), to how they self-weaned. But, despite ALL of that, in the end it’s ok… better than ok, it’s great! And it all worked out exactly as it was supposed to, I believe. Although having to go through IVF and gestational diabetes and 2 c-sections and Joey’s NICU/nursery stays and both kids self weaning were all huge emotional and physical traumas for me (and my husband), now that they’re in the past and I’m a mommy to two amazing toddlers, I can see that it all worked out how it was supposed to.
And my advice to all new mothers who hope/plan to nurse–take a breastfeeding class when pregnant, have a breastpump in the house before the baby is born, buy nursing bras that have front panels that you can open easily (and bring some to the hospital with you when you go to give birth), don’t be afraid to pump and let someone else give the baby a bottle of your milk when you need to sleep, hold off on introducing baby food until much closer to 1 year old than 6 months, and be prepared for it to be hard and possibly painful at first (think cracked, bleeding nipples and breasts that are so full of milk you think they will explode–so also have lanolin and/or nipple cream in the house, and nurse or pump well before you let yourself become “engorged” and in pain). Lastly, know that nipples will leak milk, so have some of those “nursing nipple pads” in the house to put in your nursing bra every day for the first few months after giving birth so, even if you do leak, no one will know. If you can get through the rough parts of nursing, it gets really easy and really good. Eventually it doesn’t hurt at all, you feel so completely bonded to your baby in a way that no one else ever can or will, and nursing, even in public, becomes second nature. You just lift up your shirt, unhook the front panel on your nursing bra, and let the baby/child latch on. No biggie. And never be afraid to nurse your baby in public. There is NO SHAME in nursing, no matter what some cynics who think breasts are purely sexual will say to you (and you will, at some point in time, have some idiot come up to you in public and ask you to stop nursing or to go do it in some hidden area like a tiny dressing room or a bathroom!!! stall). Just politely remind them that the law gives you the right to nurse in public, and ask them to please go away.
Feel free to use any part of my comment, if you’d like.
(You may use my comments)
I’m currently nursing my 19.5 month old daughter. I actually went into it planning to nurse well into toddlerhood and allow her to wean herself when ready (having watched my older sister do the same with her two kids).
A couple of months ago I blogged about nursing a toddler (you may use these comments, too):
http://whozatshrike.blogspot.c.....ys-of.html
Whozat´s last [type] ..Daily Peep: Shhhh….
I want to hear what you think: Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Why or why not? Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way?
What did you gain by nursing your toddler? What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?
I had hoped to nurse my daughter at least a year. A year came and went, and then another. I got pregnant around her 2nd birthday and hoped she would wean. I was ready, and nursing hurt. But I couldn’t bring myself to cut her off because she loved it so much. And with a new baby coming, I figured letting her nurse as long as she wanted was best for her.
All on her own, she gradually cut down the nursing sessions. At around 18 months she stopped asking to nurse when we were in public. Soon it was just to go to sleep and wake up, then just to go to sleep. She dropped naps at about two and a half, so now, at 3 and three months, we’re still nursing to bed at night. And I have a 6 month old son who is nursing on demand.
I will admit to having mixed feelings about nursing a three year-old. Sometimes I’m so grateful that she loves it so much. We have no bedtime battles. We read a story then she excitedly exclaims, “Time to turn off the light and nurse!” It’s a wonderful time to be alone with her and be close. We don’t get much alone time these days. Yet sometimes, I CAN’T WAIT for her to be done. Then I feel tremendously guilty.
I used to think there was somthing wrong with familes in which toddlers nursed. I was very naive and uninformed. I know now that nursing until age 4 is the worldwide average. And it’s not just about feeding and nourishment. Those who say, “She doesn’t REALLY need to nurse anymore,” isn’t considering all of her needs.
I’ve become a much better and more open-minded parent after having my second. I can see now how children can be so different from one another, and have very different needs. My son nurses like a champ, but can be soothed in several different ways. My daughter could only be soothed by nursing. I know now that weaning or continuing to breastfeed isn’t just a personal decision, the needs of each individual child should be taken into account. I would tell others to try and keep an open mind about when to wean, and wait for cues from their little one and not make arbitrary deadlines.
Barbara
You may use my comments.
My son is just a few weeks shy of his second birthday. I originally planned for a minimum of two years, so I am about to meet my goal. However, I do not intend to wean him yet (I hope he will self-wean by age three, mostly because I hope to get pregnant then, but we will see how it goes).
Breastfeeding has been an amazing experience and I am in no hurry to give it up. It’s helped me feel complete as a woman. It’s a special experience I get to have with my son, and it makes parenting easier! There is nothing like comforting a small child at the breast–nothing. And when he falls asleep there…it still feels like magic. It’s comforting to me that breastfeeding benefits his health and helps protect him from illness, and when nothing else works for teething pain, nursing is the no-fail soother. It ensures that my son and I reconnect at least a few times a day, in a peaceful, quiet way, and these moments (not to mention the milk itself) help him calm down when he’s riled up, and bring him back to his center. When the time comes, whenever it might be, I think it’s going to be really hard for me to give this up. I think I need it just as much as he does.
You may use my comment if you wish.
Lisa C´s last [type] ..Outdoor Monday: Catch Up
Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Why or why not? Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way?
What did you gain by nursing your toddler? What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?
You are welcome to use my comments in any form!
I have three different breastfeeding stories, because I have three children, which means I will have three sets of answers for you! I hope that is okay =)
My first son was breastfed until 14 months, 11 days old. I nursed him for that length of time because I so strongly believed in breastfeeding as the most natural and healthy way to feed a baby, and I enjoyed the relationship I had with him surrounding breastfeeding. I knew that other women often nursed for longer than 14 months but I knew none of them personally (none from my own generation, that is: my mom and her sisters were all hippies and breastfed forever!) because I was the first of all my friends and cousins to have a baby. This son’s pregnancy had been a huge surprise to me, so being thrown into parenthood without feeling ready for it made me feel touched out and very strongly that I just wanted my body back. So one weekend when I was in a friend’s wedding and my son and I were separated, I got dehydrated and didn’t have time to pump, and my milk disappeared. If I had wanted to I could have worked pretty hard and gotten it back, but I was ready to be done, so I simply stopped. For a month, I felt gloriously free and enjoyed having my body back, and then THUNK! I missed it like you wouldn’t believe. I would feed him his bottle and cry, missing breastfeeding him. So much.
My specific time frame for him was: one year minimum, maybe some more after that. That fluctuated. At about 8 months he started biting me and I was all “That’s it! I’m cutting him off!” but then he stopped within a few weeks so I kept breastfeeding. I’m very glad I did.
This son was technically a toddler when he weaned, although for a nursing toddler he wasn’t that old. What I gained was memories of closeness and warm cuddles and feeling like a good mom every time I nursed him.
I want other moms to know that breastfeeding a toddler is something you grow into. When your infant is tiny, a toddler seems huge. But when your baby is a toddler, he’ll still seem like a little baby to you. Don’t judge, just go with the flow!
My second breastfeeding journey began when we adopted our second son. He was 15 months old, and I wanted to pump breastmilk for him and give it to him in a bottle. I took domperidone and pumped 6-8 times a day for several weeks, but I about went insane chasing two toddlers around AND trying to establish a milk supply, so I stopped. When my youngest son was born, my second son was 4. I figured, better late than never! And I got out that trusty pump and started pumping for my adopted son. I snuck it into his regular milk and he never knew the difference (he would be SO GROSSED OUT if I told him)! I pumped about 8 oz every day for him for 14 months. That time, I didn’t have the benefit of the breastfeeding relationship with all the cuddles but I felt more empowered making milk for my four year old than all the other mothering behaviors I did for him put together. It felt like a direct line between us, biologically; a manufactured umbilical cord full of immunological goodness, and mother love. I knew I was right even when people would think it was weird or gross. Our whole family contracted RSV that winter and my adopted son was the ONLY ONE who didn’t get it: he used to be the sickly one of our family and I’m positive it was the breastmilk that kept him healthy. What a gift!
I did not have a specific time frame in mind that time; I stopped because my supply had dropped and I figured I should probably just nurse my youngest from then on. I had also returned to work part time and was grappling with pumping while at work, so I was getting ‘touched out’ by my pump!! Lol!!
What I gained by pumping for this boy was healing from the open wound in my heart that had been there since I had stopped pumping for him when he was 15 months and first adopted. And a feeling of accomplishment as a mother.
What I want other moms to know is that it is never too late, a four year old is NOT too old to benefit from breast milk, and that adoptive moms can provide breast milk for their kids, too!
My third story is a continuing one…my youngest is now 22 months and still breastfeeding. This time, I had in mind a two to three year goal (with an open mind to going longer if mutually desired). My two year minimum is because I have learned that human infants are born the most immature of all mammals and need species specific milk for a minimum of two years, and often longer. But the main reason I am breastfeeding him into toddlerhood is because I cherish that breastfeeding relationship so much. They are only little ONCE and it flies by so quickly! I don’t feel touched out anymore, or like I want my body back anymore: I am more accustomed to being a mother now and cherish it. I also firmly believe in child led weaning.
The main thing I have gained from nursing my third toddler is the connectedness I feel to my child when I nurse him, and a strong sense of empowerment for knowing I am providing my child with a wonderful gift full of love and nutrition.
I want other moms to know that they are wonderful. That nursing is a mixed bag: taxing, hard work, sacrifice! And also love, unique bonding that no one else can provide, perfect nutrition, empowerment, and awe at nature’s design, and that it gets easier over time. I want other moms to know that they are wonderful moms no matter how long they breastfeed for, or how unique that looks (a pump and a sneaky mixing with cow’s milk for a four year old totally counts!!!).
If I could go back and talk to myself I would say: you are a good mom, you do the best you can, and it is enough. Don’t feel guilty. Love yourself for the beautiful, creative, self giving thing you do by breastfeeding your child. You are enough.
That is what I would say to myself, if I were to go back.
I love breastfeeding with all my heart, and will mourn it when I finish for the last time.
♥
And thanks for this opportunity to think this all out and write it all down!
Melissa´s last [type] ..Oh, oh, wait!!! The saga continues!!!
I nursed my second child until she was three… and I stopped at that point mostly because my milk supply was low and it had become painful to nurse. She was also a very frequent – and demanding nurser, which combined with the pain was kind of an unhappy combination. I weaned her slowly, over the course of a few months, by limiting the number of nursing sessions in a day.
Being dedicated to attachment parenting, I would have loved to allow her to self-wean. I simply could not keep up with her needs, physically or emotionally really. So part of me feels a little badly that I weaned her before she was really ready. However, I do have to give myself credit for nursing her for three full years.
I loved nursing her. Before I gave birth to her, I swore that I would do better than I did with her big sister (I only nursed her big sister for 6 months, and only part time at that). My goal was to exclusively breast feed.. I don’t think I even set a time line. My goal was simply not to give in to formula. I had absolutely no notion at the time that I’d nurse her until 3.
Nursing transformed me – opened my heart. Made me a more caring, loving person and parent. There’s nothing like it in the world.
My wish is that new mothers would seek the support that is needed for nursing. We live in a formula feeding culture – most of us have no modeling for breastfeeding at all… So we need to read, get informed, seek support – all the things you need to do to learn something new. The heart opening and bond that comes from breastfeeding – particularly through those amazing baby and early toddler years – cannot easily be described, but it is truly second to no other feeling in the world.
You may use my comments…
Katherine´s last [type] ..The Family Bed: Not Just for Babies
I breastfed all 3 of my children. My own limit to feeding was their 2nd birthday. My 2 boys (who are the eldest and middle children) both simply need to be told that after their birthday there were no more ‘mummy drinks’ but drinks would be from a cup only. My daughter however, self weaned at 20 months and even though I knew that this was the best way to end a feeding relationship….. I was quietly devastated. I wasn’t ready one bit!!!!
Melodie asked that I stop by and leave a link to something I posted today. After meeting a new teen mom on the weekend who struggled but ultimately failed to breastfed, I was saddened by the issues she had. It turned out that her 20yo boyfriend thought nursing was gross and said he wouldn’t touch a breastfed baby. She was also asked to cup feed after latching issues, a suggestion to which her parents laughed at and called ridiculous. She ultimately was encouraged by family to formula feed because a pump was too expensive to rent. She was given formula samples by her doctor and her milk dried up. Then she had to buy her first tin of formula and learned how much it cost. My heart broke for her so I wrote up a post on prepping for breastfeeding today.
So, in answer to your question about what to tell a new mom: http://www.accidentalpharmacis.....tfeed.html.
Also, as a working and breastfeeding mom of an 8mo who hopes to nurse into toddlerhood, I loved the post and am loving the comments.
I just wanted to add my own comment for Karen.
I did the same as you and stopped nursing my daughter on the eve of her third birthday. While I understand one of the commenters above saying that a three year old has no concept of time, talking about it for 3-4 months beforehand (not everyday – just planting the seed) and working up to those final weeks and that final day did help my daughter a lot. She would ask when her birthday was and then tell me “I won’t have Annie (her word for breastfeeding) anymore on my birthday will I?” The night before she had her last nursing session and it was very bittersweet. However, after her birthday she nursed three more times (within a few weeks afterwards) due to some emergency situations that just called for breast milk more than cuddles. I was fine with that. I think “be flexible” is one thing I would tell any new mom who wants to nurse into toddlerhood and then go through weaning. I don’t remember what my time frame was for nursing my first. When I was pregnant I thought I’d be one of those moms to possible go back to work within six months (we have a year mat leave in Canada) and give my husband the other part of my parental leave. But as soon as she was born I knew that had been crazy thinking and that it would be very hard to go back to work. So hard in fact that I didn’t and instead found a way to stay home with her and make money at the same time (I decided to do family child care and have been doing it for 5 years now). I guess my time frame changed as we went along. With my second child I knew I would nurse her until she self-weaned or until I couldn’t do it anymore. (You see, it got physically very uncomfortable for me with my first, likely because I was tandem nursing for five months._ Now my second has been nursing for 38 months and I have no idea when she’ll wean or when I will try to actively wean her. I take it day by day.
I would tell my younger self: One day you’ll be that mom who breastfeeds in public and you won’t be shy about your body at all. Oh, yes, it’s true!!
Hi Karen,
Today I happened to post a blog that opens by saying:
“This is really embarrassing but it’s time to put it out there:
I just quit sucking my thumb last year.
Okay, not really, but let’s just say that I was a thumb sucker until way, way, WAY past the normal window for that behavior. I’m mentioning this because today we are tackling myth number three in this series about extended breastfeeding and my childhood experiences will be taking center stage.”
The blog is about the myth that extended nursing causes children to be clingy. I was not breastfed into toddlerhood and, for me, the unmet need was the source of deep frustration. I feel it is one of my greatest privileges to do this differently with my own children. My first child hasn’t reached the age where I feel anxious for her to wean. I’m hoping she will do it on her own between 3-4, but I’m trying to remain open to the idea of both ends of the spectrum: encouraging her to wean or allowing her to continue longer than I had anticipated. I can’t wait to read your post on the subject!
Mommypotamus´s last [type] ..Extended Breastfeeding Myth #3
What did you gain by nursing your toddler? What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?
My son is 28 months old and is still nursing. I didn’t have a specific time frame in mind and I still don’t. I do, however, think that weaning, for me, will likely not be child-led. Though, who knows!?! We kind of just take it one day at a time. I have started to try distracting him sometimes, and worked on don’t ask, don’t refuse (though that’s difficult sometimes as I ask out of habit if he wants to nurse). He’s still a pretty active night-nurser, which is most of the reason for these measures. It was very important to me that we make it to 2 years, so I’m super happy about that
I can’t begin to list all of the things I gained by nursing. I think it makes me more patient as a mom (something that for me, is a tough spot). It gives us a nice time to cuddle and reconnect after I’m at work all day. It really just makes our lives easier.
For new moms and pregnant moms, I just like to remind them that all of these decisions are about them and their little families. It’s hard to block out the culture and what your mom says (though my mom is AWESOME) or what your friends say…but ultimately, none of those people matter in this decision. I’ve found so much freedom and confidence in mothering my little boy the way I would want to be mothered. I’m extremely lucky to have a supportive husband too!
To my younger self: You are so lucky to have the family you have!! They will truly show you what love is!!
-You can use whatever you’d like of what I’ve said…I could also be available on Mondays if you need someone…
Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood?
~yes
Why or why not?
~I could, why wouldn’t I?
Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way?
~We were just go’n with the flow, things change all the time… the more I tried to control things the less they worked right.
What did you gain by nursing your toddler?
~The ability to comfort and nurture my child in a way that would have been lost.
What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?
~Well, it’s the same thing, trust yourself to know what’s right and trust your baby to know what she needs. No one can know your child the way you can.
{use anything that might help, I’m available}
~stacy´s last [type] ..pierced ears
You may use any of my comments as you see fit. I don’t have a blog right now, but feel free to mention my Twitter ID.
“Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Why or why not? Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way?”
My nursling is 16 months old. Before he was born, I knew I would breastfeed, and my goal was 18 months. I knew it was important to nurse for at least a year, and saw no reaon to wean at exactly 12 months – a baby is no different at day 364 than at day 366, right? It just seemed like such an arbitrary cutoff, and I’ve been around toddlers – I knew that one minute they can seem like such a “big kid” and the next, like such a baby.
We had a very rough start with breastfeeding, but giving up was not an option for me. As long as he was healthy and gaining weight, I was not going to supplement or stop. Once we made it through the first 2 months, breastfeeding was easy, and even enjoyable. That didn’t surpise me. What DID surprise me was as we approached and passed my son’s first birthday – I began to enjoy breastfeeding him more and more! At this point I like to say we’re in the “Why wean?” phase. We both enjoy it, it’s easy, it’s good for him, it helps me be a better mother – and weaning would be emotionally hard for us both, deprive my son of nutrition and immune benefits, and make my life as a mom harder. So why wean?
Of course it’s never that simple, right? My husband and I want to have another baby (well, at least SOME days we do, other days we’re not so sure! LOL), and I am very unsure about what another pregnancy will bring. My son and I are in a great place in our nursing relationship, and now I might be throwing a wrench into things by trying to get pregnant again. I have many more questions than answers about this next phase – nursing while pregnant, and weaning.
“What did you gain by nursing your toddler? What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?”
I have gained a special level of closeness with my son by nursing him into toddlerhood. We have shared so many special moments of joy that we probably would have missed out on. I don’t have to stress as much about what he eats (or more accurately, doesn’t eat) because I know that mama’s milk will fill in the blanks. I don’t worry as much about what germs he’s being exposed to. I can calm a tantrum, induce a nap, and distract from temptations – all with my breasts. It’s an awesome mothering tool!
I want other moms to know that there ARE benefits to continuing past one year, and few reasons to wean abruptly (or even gradually) just because a baby has a birthday. I want them to understand how the body makes milk, the impact of birth choices on breastfeeding success, and how important early skin-to-skin and immediate breastfeeding are to establishing a good supply. I want them to know they will meet resistance, criticism, questions, misinformation, and bad advice – but they will also encounter praise, love, support, fellowship, and great rewards. It’s so important to find a like-minded community, whether that’s in a moms group, La Leche League, or online. And I want them to know that babies under a year almost NEVER “self-wean” (I have never read a story like #17 Tracey’s, where she tried for weeks to continue nursing but the baby refused) but instead active older babies sometimes have “nursing strikes” and that if mom will persevere, most babies will come back to the breast. I would tell my younger self to have a more open mind about children nursing past age 3. Also, to go with my gut and never use the nursing cover when nursing in public! (I got used to it, then my son became so distracted by it that it was more of a hindrance than a help, and I had to learn how to discreetly nurse a wiggly 8 month old! Would have been so much easier if we’d figured all that out when he was a silent, still newborn!)
You have my permission to use any of my info.
Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Kieran is 30 months and shows no signs of weaning.
Why or why not? Because it is healthiest for us both, and it has only enhanced our relationship. I can’t imagine mothering a toddler without mama’s milk! (http://codenamemama.com/2009/1.....ilk-dance/)
Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way? When I was pregnant, I wanted to get to a year at least. The year mark was never a limitation, just a goal. As Kieran got older and eventually started crawling then walking, and as I learned more about the benefits of breastfeeding past infancy, it has been my hope to allow him to wean when he is ready.
What did you gain by nursing your toddler? It is an incredible bond and connection for us. Nothing can dry tears, soothe hurt feelings, or make a toddler feel secure in a new environment like mama’s milk (at least not for my toddler).
What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? I hope that every mother makes the effort to educate herself about the many remarkable benefits of breastfeeding for both herself and her child. I think more people would nurse longer if they knew how healthy it is. I would also encourage them to make friends with other breastfeeding mothers so they don’t feel so alone. It is up to all of us to normalize nursing so that everyone feels supported and accepted in their own nursing journeys.
What would you tell your younger self? Not to worry! Breastfeeding has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life as a mother. It has also enabled me (as someone who works to educate others about breastfeeding) to reach out and connect with women all over the world. What a blessing!
Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last [type] ..Gentle Parenting Ideas: Toddlers and Shopping Trips
Forgot 2 other things I wanted to say as advice to new moms: I believe it’s fine, and even helpful, to set boundaries on nursing a toddler, such as where, when, and how (“drive by” nursing, lifting mom’s shirt, etc.); and I believe that NO ONE should feel bad for gentle mother-led weaning, really at any point after 12 months, but especially after 18-24 months. If you’re feeling bad about wanting to wean your 3 year old, just tell yourself how AWESOME a gift you’ve already given your child! That’s about 10 times longer than the average baby is breastfed.
Go ahead and use the following.
My first was born in 2006. When I was pregnant with her, I like many others, said “I’ll nurse her for at least a year.” Around 19 months, all of a sudden she was so squirmy every time I tried to nurse. It took about a week of this behaviour for me to say “enough”, and another week for her to be fully weaned. I still gave lots of hugs and cuddles, and would let her sit on my lap to drink milk or juice from a sippy cup.
My second is currently 15 months old. Based on baby #1, I told myself I would go until at least 18 months unless she didn’t want to. However, we discovered around 8 months old that she most likely has Celiac Disease, and may also be allergic to or intolerant of milk. So my milk has gone from being “important” to “essential”, and I plan to nurse her as long as we both want to. Though, realistically, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle it much past three…
I have a friend who has a daughter that is 3 weeks older than my first, and that friend nursed until her daughter was almost 3 and a half, though for the last 6 months (maybe more) it was a very sporadic thing, mostly for comfort, not for food.
Also, my second came and found me sitting here typing this and had a quick snack while I did so! Its such a gift
I’m late to the party, but I’ll share anyway.
I nursed my firstborn until she was 34 months, and I am currently nursing my second at 22 months. I found that breastfeeding my toddlers was a great way to soothe the storms that come with this age range. It also eased my transition back into work the first time, when my daughter was a year old.
Initially, my nursing goal was around 18 months. I thought I would wean at age 2 if she hadn’t already weaned. Neither of us were ready then. However, by the time she was 2 1/2 I was ready to be done. I took it slowly, gradually limiting nursing, and respecting the process of weaning.
I think that, for me, the important thing I discovered was that weaning didn’t have any magical effect. It didn’t suddenly make my daughter happy to accept comfort from others, or turn her into a fantastic eater, or anything like that. She was who she was, and breastfeeding was only a small part of that. Knowing this has helped calm my fears a lot the second time around.
Amber´s last [type] ..After the Rain
Hi Karen,
I nursed my son until just prior to his 4th birthday. I had no intentions of nursing that long – and used to joke that I would stop before he was 3 whenever I was asked the dreaded “when will you stop questions” – for me 3 was so far away I couldn’t imagine we would ever go that long – but we did and well beyond.
We employed a variety of self-weaning and gentle weaning techniques. You can read our full journey here and here.
I was very lucky in the fact that i had several (at least 3 maybe more) positive roll models when it came to extended nursing. And while I may have thought some of the them were crazy before I had my baby – I soon realized they were not. for us, there never seemed to be a “time” where “forced weaning” seemed necessary. So we kept going. Like Jake mentioned, I think my son would have nursed for years if I hadn’t implemented some of the gentle weaning techniques. In the end, I don’t remember exactly when we nursed the last time – it was sometime after the 4th of July but before his 4th birthday (which was at the end of July). It happened so gradually – and was really a blessing! I wouldn’t trade any part of it.
What did you gain by nursing your toddler? I guess you could say I gained a mothering tool that not many moms have in toddlerhood – the perfect way to calm a crying toddler – the perfect solution to any temper tantrum – nursing is magical!
What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? I would tell them to follow their gut and forget about “societal pressures”. I have a good friend who nursed her first child for 12 months and then weaned. when she had baby #2, she specifically told me that her biggest regret with baby #1 was giving into the societal expectations to stop nursing at age 1. What is so magical about being 1?? They are still babies!!
What would you tell your younger self? I would tell my younger self not to be so quick to judge others. There are certain things you can only fully understand with experience and I think toddler nursing is one of those – but I would tell myself to be open-minded and respectful of the parenting decisions of others. I had a good friend who was nursing her 3 year old twins when I was pregnant with my son. At that point I thought I would nurse for 1 maybe 2 years and I thought she was a “a bit much” for still nursing her sons at age 3. But once I had my baby and long before he turned 3, her nursing no longer seemed odd to me – and when my son’s 3rd birthday came and went – our continued nursing was just so natural and such an important part of our parenting.
Were there times that I would have liked to stop sooner? Absolutely! Did I feel touched out? You bet – but in the end, I woudln’t change a thing.
Judy @MommyNews Blog´s last [type] ..Ask Judy: What Type Of Solids Should I Be Giving My Baby?
feel free to use my comment on your show. I have done a show with you in the past (Judy from A Mother’s Boutique)
Judy @MommyNews Blog´s last [type] ..Ask Judy: What Type Of Solids Should I Be Giving My Baby?
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