Do you ever feel so tired and overwhelmed with life that it’s all you can do to turn on your computer? No matter how much I’ve edited and re-edited the breastfeeding post I had planned for today, I just can’t get it right. Not in my head, not on paper, not in transit onto this blog. And to top it off I really don’t want to be writing about breastfeeding right now anyway. I’d much rather be curled into a ball reading an escape novel or sleeping. The stress I’m under right now has turned my brain into mush. I only have one tape playing in my head and the volume is stuck on full blast to the point that I can’t think about much else.
Interested in my dilemmas? Well, without going into all the details which would bore you to tears and just stir up more stress in me, we’re moving. Besides the mourning that comes with leaving my home of the past five years, my husband, whose full time job dissolved a few months ago, isn’t working more than a couple shifts a week casual and I just had my last day of doing daycare on Thursday. Neither of us have full time jobs yet we need them but we don’t want them because we want to go to Europe this summer after our house sells instead. However, going to Europe is contingent on selling the house, and real estate in our area has decided to take a turn for the slow, so we may not go at all.
We’ve thought of going in the Fall (if our house sells by late summer), but our daughter would be starting Grade 1 in the Fall in a completely new school. Since she struggles with social anxiety we think it would be in her best interest for her to be there when school starts, as does the principle. So there is the option of homeschooling, which I am considering doing for a year. I’m a huge advocate of homeschooling but am not convinced it is the right thing for my daughter (or me or our relationship). However, a year out of her early school year life isn’t much and if homeschooling didn’t work out for our family we could send her to school for Grade 2. Plus, homeschooling in B.C. means you get money from the government to put towards lessons and other educational purposes. This actually means that some of the money could go towards a vacation to Europe! And the beauty of homeschooling means we could go to Europe anytime over the next year and not worry about pulling her out of school.
Back to the work situation. Money is an issue until the house sells. There’s this job that just came up in my old line of work that is a 7-12:30, 4 on 3 off, 3 on 4 off that would be perfect for either 1) being able to pick her up from her new school since it’s a block away or 2) going home and homeschooling her for a couple hours, with the expectation that her dad has taken her to a lesson of some sort in the morning (music, swimming, etc). Except if I apply for this job and get it (I’d be surprised if I didn’t since I still have a lot of seniority in my previous field of work as I’ve retained casual status for the past 5 1/2 years.), I would then have to turn around and quit the job as soon as our trip to Europe was a go. I’d have to quit because I know there is no way they’d let me take a 2-3 month leave of absence after being off work for 5 1/2 years and only back in a regular position for a few months. And then would they hire me back? Would I be an employee they felt they could trust? If I trusted the manager I know I’d be working under I might stress less. But I know her pretty well and she doesn’t take kindly to people living their lives outside of work unless they’re pregnant and heading off on maternity leave.
So this is why I can’t focus on writing a post about breastfeeding today. Oh, and did I mention my teenage step-son wants to move in with us? And that I’d love to put my youngest in pre-school but can’t even think about looking until I know what’s happening with where my oldest is going to attend school? And that this really sucks because most of the preschools are full already? Did I mention that even if my daughter does go to a school we haven’t fully decided which one she’ll attend? Did I mention I’m overwhelmed?
Sorry everyone. No breastfeeding post today.
By the way, do you have any words of wisdom to impart? Anyone want to help me make some big decisions? Any advice or consoling words are appreciated.
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Yikes. What a huge pile of uncertainty you’re facing. No wonder you’re stressed!
Is there any chance of the job still being available when you return from Europe?
(Also: They give you money to homeschool?! Wow!)
Whozat´s last [type] ..Grill Girl
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xo, hang in there! What a crazy time!!! I’m thinking of you!
Only two words of advice-type thinking. One is, one day at a time. You’re good at this! You’ll figure it out as you go. The second is, I have signed both my older boys up for preschool later than average, and found that afternoon preschool spots are often available even after school starts. Maybe that could be an option in your area too?
I feel for you! I hope you feel less stressed soon! And don’t worry about this blog. It can wait. We can all wait!!
Melissa´s last [type] ..Only the BEST MUFFINS IVE EVER EATEN-
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Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Umm… I guess all I can say is that for once it’s nice to see somebody else stressing over all kinds of life-uncertainty because it seems that I’ve made a living off of having too many balls up in the air and no idea if I’ll be around to catch them when they start dropping.
This weekend I had all but decided to lease a storefront to open my childbirth ed business out of (with 3 other educators) and then just as we were about to sign the lease, the landlord rented it to somebody else. We can’t find ANY space that was that cheap, so now I have no idea where/if I’m going to start teaching classes, and we really need that money, so yeah. It’s all What-If’s right now, and it’s giving me an ulcer.
So, I know how you feel. It always seems that something else has to happen before we can make other things happen, and all the contingencies are the most stressful part. I’m not sure what your solution is, but if you find it, will you send it my way? Please and thank you.
TheFeministBreeder´s last [type] ..I Ain’t Too Proud to Beg for votes
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you’re allowed to be stressed out and take a time our for yourself. it’s amazing the obligations we can feel to people on the internet for things that really aren’t all that pressing.
the Grumbles´s last [type] ..this calls for a celebration
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I have nearly always been successful at getting my kids into popular and full programs by putting them on the waiting list. So, if the preschool is full, ask what the waiting list is like. So many people hear that a program is full, so they walk away. There will always be a few parents who move over the summer, or decide after the first two weeks that the program is not for them or that it is not a fit for their child.
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I could hear your voice getting more and more upset as you wrote, even though I’m sure getting a little bit out may have helped some. Just breathe. Seriously one more deep breath WILL do you good.
When I feel like this, I do my best to remember that nothing I choose has to be forever. I can always go back and try again if things don’t work out.
Maybe you should allow yourself to pick up that novel and take a couple days off from anything that doesn’t REALLY need to be done- even laundry can usually wait another day.
Another thing that usually helps is a good cry- I’ll put on Steel Magnolias or another movie that’s sure to do the trick and I always feel better afterward.
Big hugs to you!!!!
Karen´s last [type] ..Cloth Diapers
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Well friend, all I can say is I applaud your courage to share. I had my first breakdown on Friday. I mean something serious, not just a few tears. I walked out of the house at 9:00 with the kids still in it (my husband was there) I didn’t say a word to them, I just left and went for a walk in which I cried the whole time and didn’t stop crying until about 9:00 that night. I haven’t cried like that since Violet was 3 days old. While we’re not moving (and I get it, that is THE WORST), I have been feeling so overwhelmed by my kids, the house, my work, loneliness, even myself. I too want to curl up and read a book, alone and forget it all. I wanted to post about this on my blog, but wasn’t sure if I could or should so thanks for sharing.
The only thing I know how to do when I get like this is to be alone. So on Saturday I took the day and went to Victoria, alone, with my ipod and hung out. I didn’t get home until 6:00 that night and I felt much better. I would say take a deep breath, but that may or may not help, I would say try ELM Bach Flower remedy, that is for overwhelm but the most honest and real thing I can say is that it sucks what you are going through and whatever you need to do today to get through it, do it. My kids are watching a show right now so that I can take a breath, I might even lay down for 15 minutes. It’s so hard when you know that you can’t change the situation you are in, but you want to so badly. I’m right there with you sister. Call me if you need to go out for a drink.
oxox Catherine
Catherine´s last [type] ..everyday adventures
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Holy crap!! deep breath, deep breath, (and I know its not a breast feeding friendly thought) strong drink I always try to remember “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger”.
hugs!!
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I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers! And on the bright side, barring some unanticipated catastrophe, you won’t be homeless or starving at any point, your family is healthy, and Europe will still be cool over Christmas break, or next summer, if you end up pushing the trip back. I’m sure it will all work out okay in the end (but I know the uncertainty of how is always unnerving).
Maman A Droit´s last [type] ..Run Faster
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Wow, can I relate. We’ve moved four times in the past two years. I have a six year old too; she just finished kindergarten and we’ve just moved back home in temporarily in with my parents. We probably won’t have moved into a home of our own when school starts, and I don’t want to put her in a school only to pull her out and put her in a different one later. And like you, I’m a homeschooler in my heart but not in reality
Personally, I’m just going to see how things play out and not stress about it, b/c while I do want to send her to school I also think that a little time off isn’t the worst thing given the recent upheaval in her life. I might just wait until 2nd grade, or the second half of 1st. School is always going to be there . . .
I also have to say that my kids (6 and 2) have coped remarkably well with our recent moves, and I wholeheartedly believe that it’s because of the way they’ve been parented. They’re attached to me, and to my husband, first and foremost, which makes a change of scenery so much easier. In my experience, breastfeeding and co-sleeping and attachment parenting are lifesavers during a move — I’m actually working on a post about this!
St. Louis Smart Mama´s last [type] ..Yes- You Need A Doula
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@Whozat – The posting closes on June 30th so I doubt it would come available when we returned. And since we don’t know when we’re going to Europe since the house hasn’t sold yet, then… I doubt it. And yes, home schoolers in BC get funds for lessons, art supplies and other things. I guess it’s the government’s way of making sure the home schooled kids get a good education too.
@Melissa – Yes, that’s true about afternoon spots here too. I hope it will be the same in Victoria. Thanks for your support!!
@TFB – Yikes. That’s stressful too.
@Karen – I’ve had a very crappy day today minus a great visit from my cousin I had not seen in about 20 years, so I’m putting on a god tear jerker in a few minutes just as you suggested.
@Shelly – Yes, that is so true. It’s just hard when you’re in the thick of it though.
@Maman A Droit – I always appreciate knowing I’m in someone’s prayers. Thank you!!
@Catherine @St. Loius Smart Mama – You two have personal replies in your inbox.
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This is A LOT of stuff to think about all at once. I tend to get overwhelmed when there’s so much to think about so I write them all down. Maybe you can write down each item in a notebook and jot down what needs to happen before that item can be achieved.
I would probably tackle the decision of home-schooling/schooling/preschool first because it affects so many other things. 1) decide if you really can handle homeschooling. If not then that solves the question of travel this fall and you can pick a school. 2) Then you can pick a preschool and get on some waitlists 3) Then you can decide if you should apply for that job. An on and on.
Try to tackle one decision and once you have the answer to that move on down the list. One at a time won’t overwhelm…at least that’s what I would do.
Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last [type] ..It’s My SITS Day-
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I have no words of wisdom. None whatsoever. But I can offer you virtual hugs, and a nice cup of tea. I’m sure you will figure it out, eventually. For now, go as easy on yourself as you can. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Amber´s last [type] ..Calling People Nazis is Uncool
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I spent much of today feeling very overwhelmed to. But tomorrow is another day and these things do have a way of working themselves out, don’t they? Hope tomorrow is a better day.
Betsy´s last [type] ..Honest to Betsy Blogiversary-
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I SO identify with this post. In fact, things have been so hectic at our house I am taking several days off from blogging altogether. It wasn’t a planned break, just a necessary one.
I’m not in a position to offer advice, just solidarity ; – ) You’re amazing, Melodie. It will all work out eventually.
Mommypotamus´s last [type] ..A Few Days Off
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Melodie, I was in a similar situation for 2008 and 2009 and I understand that feeling of disorientation, of feeling frozen and unable to make any decision because they all seem to hinge on each other. I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s not an easy place to be. And feel free to interrupt your breastfeeding posts any time you need to.
I would like to share something I learned from being in that limbo-land. I think it’s important to go through that at least once in your life, if not several times (hopefully really spaced apart!!!). It becomes a valuable lesson in surrender, in being ok with taking things one day at a time. It also forces you to really evaluate your choices, and consequently, your values and how they apply to your choices. Lastly, it is an exercise in balancing inaction (waiting) and action. It is easy to fall into inertia and not make any decisions at all because we get so frozen by the overwhelming uncertainty. However, I’m sure if you look closely, there are probably small things you can start doing. Ultimately, there is a lot to be gained through the experience you’re living right now even though it may feel terrible in the moment.
I’m excited for you and all the change on your horizon. It sounds amazing (and a little scary). Hugs. It won’t stay like this forever. I promise.
BluebirdMama´s last [type] ..The Breastfeeding Choice
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I like homeschooling a lot. I am very happy with what my son is doing and what we have accomplished in this first year of homeschooling. However, sometimes I wonder if he is missing out. He has started reading and I cannot tell you how many books revolve around kids in school. It is hard. And sometimes I wonder if it is hurting my relationship with him. It is certainly shaping it. But I think that most of the issues we deal with because of homeschooling we would probably deal with anyway. My son needs to be pushed. And he would probably need me to push him even if he were in school.
Upstatemomof3´s last [type] ..Abby- Elmo and More
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