Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing. Not only is it a baby’s best food, free, and environmentally friendly, it also has a host of other medicinal uses and serves as a terrific parenting tool. Baby crying? Time to breastfeed. Child hurt, tantruming, or fighting with sibling? Put a boob in her mouth. But can too much of a good thing be too much? Is there an ideal age or time that a parent should stop using breastfeeding as the parenting tool and start rooting around in that toolbox for something new?
Lately, I’ve been feeling it’s time to depend on something else. It’s time to increase my skill level as a mother as well as my the social skill level of my three year old. I didn’t and wouldn’t feel this way about a younger nursling, but I do now.
But when it comes to telephone interruptions I’m stumped. I’m sure a lot of you know the drill. At my house it’s like clockwork. As soon as I pick up the telephone to make a call, or the phone rings for me, my kids start vying for my attention. Even if they’ve been playing happily up to this point, even if their dad is present, no one will do but their mommy-kins. And the best way for me to get my youngest to stop whining is to give in and let her nurse. But I hate that I cope this way. It was fine when she was a baby and even for awhile when she was a toddler, but she’s three now. I want to be teaching her how to wait until mommy is off the phone to answer her questions. When she screams and cries and practically rips my shirt trying to get at my breast when she knows she is not supposed to interrupt me, the last thing I want to do is give in to her and leave her with the understanding that if she cries and whines long enough mommy will give in to her just to make her quiet so I can talk on the phone.
Today I was talking to my friend Ariane from Little Inkers Naturals. We were discussing this very topic while my youngest pleaded with me to nurse and I was trying to redirect her to ask her dad for a glass of water or a snack. In the end I finally let her nurse because I couldn’t concentrate on the conversation, which just happened to be at the same time Airiane was telling me about how she and her husband are teaching their daughter that she can’t get what she wants by screaming or whining. Oops! I’m trying to instill the same lesson, but obviously failing. Is there a secret to teaching kids not to interrupt? I know consistency is a big factor and I am consistent with making sure they talk to me in a polite and calm voice when I’m not on the phone. However, it is difficult to be consistent when I’m on the phone because every time they whine I have to interrupt my own conversation to say “use a nice voice please,” or “I said you can’t have any milkies until bedtime and the answer is still no.” And I end up talking more to my children, reminding them not to interrupt me, than I do with the person on the phone who I’m interrupting! If my children aren’t happy with my answer (which is practically always) the screaming lets louder and the whining becomes even more irritating. I’ve tried locking myself in my room or even going outside, but they follow me and/or pound on my door and cry so loud it just isn’t worth it. Putting a boob in their mouth works, but I don’t want it to anymore.
Do you have any suggestions for me to get my daughter to stop interrupting me while I’m on the phone that doesn’t include giving in and letting her nurse? I’d be ever so grateful. Thanks.
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Tags: Monday Musings
Posted by Melodie Breastfeeding Older Children, Breastfeeding Toddler, Monday Musings Subscribe to RSS feed
Oh please, if you get some good tips let me know! I am trying to do the same with Baby Boy (now 2). I have a boob out before I know it with him!
PippaD´s last [type] ..Anything you can do I can do better
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What about asking the person on the other end if they are alright being on speaker phone, so the child hears the pausing in convo when they interrupt?
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Ugh, I have no tips. I try to run and hide when I am on the phone too! I do have conversations after and during family discussions about showing respect when someone is on the phone and other times. It’s hard with the young ones, it’s all about NOW with them!
Debbi Does Dinner Healthy´s last [type] ..Lemon Blueberry -amp Raspberry Amish Friendship Bread
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@birth routes – Oooh! Good idea. Now I just need to figure out how to make the speaker phone button work!
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my, oh my. i think i’m lucky here. although there are times when my little one pulls my shirt in public exposing my boob sometimes. he seldom does this when i’m on the phone. although if he asks for it, i’d give in. i never thought it’s a problem. what i think might work for you is to practice. have a phone in hand and pretend you’re talking to somebody on the other line. when your toddler starts to whine and asks for milkies, you can “interrupt” your phone conversation and talk to her. even if she whines louder, there won’t really be anybody to interrupt. and you have all your focus on her even if she thinks otherwise. HTH!
Carol´s last [type] ..SSS Maternity Benefit Part 1- How to avail
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@Carol – That’s a really good idea too. I’m going to have to work hard to be a good actress though. She’s pretty smart!
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A few ideas: Since she is three, I suggest discussing the matter with her when you are not on the phone, when she is in a good mood, etc. She’s old enough to talk about things.
Perhaps you can set up a reward system. Something like read a story to her afterwards if she doesn’t interrupt. Maybe even set up a sticker chart to work towards a special treat. Some people use the sticker charts for potty training, so I would guess three is not too young for it.
Also, if you know you will be making phone calls, maybe you could plan something that will occupy her in advance. Maybe you could come up with some special “Mom’s on the phone” toy (a coloring book and markers or something) that she is only allowed to have when you are on the phone, and then only if she doesn’t interrupt.
Now the bad news: My daughter is 23, that’s years not months, and she still frequently wants to join in the conversation when I am on the phone. “Who are you talking to?” Tell them such and such…” “Oh, what did she say about…” Hmmm, maybe I need to pick up a sticker chart…
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A little more: On the pretending to be on the phone thing – you could even let her know you are pretending and use it as practice when starting the reward thing, basically role playing.
Also, you might practice when talking to a friend that you can easily say “gotta go” if she is not cooperating, getting the reward idea going when you aren’t on a call so important that you just give in to have peace and quiet so you can finish your business.
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I would avoid the speaker phone route. If you were on the other end of that call would you appreciate hearing the 3 year old whining and fussing? UGH, I hate speaker phone.
I JUST read this tip in a book about handling power struggles with your kids. It suggested that you put some warm water in the kitchen sink with some plastic cups, etc. for her to play with while you talk on the phone. Sounds like you little nurser could benefit from this.
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I also thought about practicing with the phone turned off. Or you could set up a time for a phone conversations with very good friend or relative who can be very understanding that your attention is going to be more on teaching your child than on the conversation.
Good luck! My mom has just learned to call me at nap time so I rarely face this problem!
Starving Student Survivor´s last [type] ..The Law of Sacrifice
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I like Cara’s suggestion. Maybe brainstorm a super fun activity that you only pull out when you are on the phone. Something she never gets to play with and would be novel and buy you 20 minutes.
My other perspective is that this exact situation is on the pro side of my breastfeeding list. I loved that I had an instant way to quiet and calm things down when I was on the phone. The challenge came when we weaned and I lost this tool! I’m trying to think what I do now. If it’s an important phone call and they are being super busy around me I might pop in a dvd or let them do something I don’t usually and then clean up afterwards. Otherwise my phone calls can get cut short these days. I tend to chat after they are in bed or when they are off playing with dad.
Good luck!
hillary´s last [type] ..hillaryboucher- RT -daniellelaporte confidence vs blind faith- rock ‘em both http-bitly-ayxEuA
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I would ask if she wants to nurse before your conversation – letting her know that you will be making a call afterwards and “we don’t nurse while Mommy is on the phone”. Tell her it’s not fair to her. That you want to give her all your attention when nursing. Thats it’s special and you don’t want to share it with the person on the other side of the phone. Get her an activity to be involved in when it’s time to make the call. Maybe her own play phone. Most of all, be consistent. I find that that is the key to my successes at parenting.
Pure Mothers´s last [type] ..Earth Day Exploration
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Hi there! First of all, I’d like to say KUDOS to you for a great blog, esp for BF moms like me!
I totally support and salute all moms who BF esp those who do extended BF! 
I BF my eldest till he was 2 yrs and 4 months and am now BF our 1 yr old daughter! 
It’s challenging but the best! 
Anyway, re: your dilemma, I agree with the suggestions above. Teach your daughter to wait for her nursing sessions by explaining patiently (over and over and over!), practicing with her, rewarding her when she does wait, distracting her with something else. 
Add all these up and put in a dose of prayer or two, and she’ll eventually learn. 
Good luck and Godbless! Please do add me on your blogroll: http://www.trulyrichmom.com 
Thanks!
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I don’t think anyone mentioned this, but what about giving her a phone to play with? Not a real one, but a phone that is just for her to use while you’re on the phone. You could also use the time to snuggle with her in a chair, maybe? My son is 18 months old (TODAY!) and holding a phone is something he loves to do! It keeps him quiet (unless grandma is on my line, and then he talks and talks to her!)
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I really like Cara’s idea too. And Deborah’s. So I sat down with my daughter to have a chat. Here’s how it went:
“Sweetie, I want to talk to you about when mommy’s on the phone and you want my attention.”
“I’m not a sweetie, I’m a hula girl.”
“Okay, hula girl, when Mommy is on the phone there’s no milkies because that time is special and I want to give you my attention but I can’t when I’m talking to someone else.”
“I’m a mommy hula girl. I don’t have milkies.”
“Okay, can I talk to the girl who has milkies for a minute?”
“Okay.” (runs away)
“Can I talk to you?”
(Giggling)
Oh well, I will try this another time. What I assumed was a good time to talk obviously was not.
I also may try out @ladykays’ idea with the reward system as she might find that kind of thing fun. Some of the trouble is that I don’t always know when I will be on the phone. So if I can get her busy during the times I know when I will be on the phone then maybe that will naturally translate into the times when we’re surprised by long calls. Thanks everyone. It’s so funny that these things don’t come to me when it’s about my own situation.
Melodie´s last [type] ..Telephone Interruptions and Breastfeeding
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Have you tried a special box that ONLY comes out when you’re on the phone? Fill it with toys, stickers, projects, whatever she really enjoys and can do by herself. Then anytime you’re on the phone you can easily pull it out and hand it to her. It’s kind of like what others have already mentioned, but it worked well for my daughter when she was about that age
St. Louis Smart Mama´s last [type] ..Co-sleeping In the News- How KMOV Got It Wrong
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I don’t nurse my kids anymore but my 3-year-old still acts up and wants my attention the moment I’m on the phone. I read that it’s because at that age they interpret love as time spent together and the moment your attention is elsewhere they feel that as a lack of love. If I know I’m going to be on the phone I explain that to my son and remind him that I’m not to be interrupted when I’m the phone. It’s taking some time but each phone call is a little better than the last.
Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last [type] ..Stepping Back in Time at the Burnaby Village Museum
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Ok, so overall I’d say use the boobs to your advantage as long as you can, because eventually you won’t have that tool in your, um, chest, and you’ll miss it! I might even *invite* her to nurse while you’re on the phone if it gets you some peace!
However, since you’re looking for ideas on dealing with interruptions, I’d say yeah, talking to her when NOT on the phone about it is a good start, and a box of treasures by the phone, to be dealt out BEFORE the whining starts is a great idea. And trying to keep calls to the minimum.
My DD will be 5 this month, and still isn’t getting the whole “don’t interrupt” thing. It’s a constant battle. They just don’t get it, and they live in the now. I had hoped that this might stop on its own, but if ladykay’s daughter is still doing it – well, so much for that.
Good luck with hula girl (love that story!)
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@St. Loius Smart Mama – Great idea. I do need to do that. Actually that reminds me of this funny “wait” card we got for my oldest when she was interrupting a few years back. The visual reminder, having something for her to hold in her hand until I took it back, that worked very well for her. Toys will work better for the youngest one though. Thanks!
@Marilyn – I know! It breaks my heart knowing this. I think it’s why she wants to nurse. And I give hr so much attention throughout the day I don’t get it – but I do too, you know?
@Juliette- I do still use them (obviously) when she interrupts me. It’s a blessing and a curse really. I will likely still use them when I need to but I do hope to slow it down and start using some new tools. It’s comforting/ unnerving that this interrupting thing still happens as they get older. Sigh.
Melodie´s last [type] ..Telephone Interruptions and Breastfeeding
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Just a thought from my teaching days- what about using a kitchen timer to teach waiting? Because it’s visual, your child can watch time tick down (digital with big numbers are my favorite). If you start with 1 minute and work your way up, you can build her trust in the wait-response pattern. You wouldn’t have to practice while on the phone, because you can use it anytime (bonus!), but it would work really well for that. Even when you’re only at 1 or 2 minutes, that’s enough time to wrap up a conversation or pause it. The best part is that eventually, you can lose the timer and the kid will still have those waiting skills. Good luck
Mama Em´s last [type] ..Breastmilk Cures
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Honestly? I am about to confess something here. I use YouTube and / or cookies. It has to be something good enough to distract the kids from what they’re missing. So offering a treat or something really occupying is my most effective. It’s kind of a cheap tactic, but I feel sort of bad for being on the phone and making the fun stop, so I justify it.
That, or make the call after the kids are in bed, if you possibly can.
Amber´s last [type] ..Mr Salesguy
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My mom is always saying the same thing about kids and the phone, this is the first time I’ve heard someone else say it. I still haven’t found a solution either.
I gave you a blog award today, because you are awesome
http://organicparenthood.blogs.....wards.html
TIffany´s last [type] ..My First Blog Awards
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Some of my clearest memories as a child were being told to stop interrupting my mother on the phone! It must be universal. (At least, post-Alexander Graham Bell!)
The worst thing here is Mikko always wants the phone. It’s not my attention he’s after (or not exclusively); it’s pushing buttons and hogging all the attention for himself. I don’t know if your daughter likes to talk on the phone, but we’ve had some success promising him (vocally, repeatedly) that he will talk once we’ve had a turn — and then we hand it over. Fortunately, we mostly speak to people who don’t mind a little three-year-old chatter, though obviously this wouldn’t work with a business call! But maybe we’d let him call someone personal after something like that.
But, yeah, if you come up with something miraculous, let me know. Otherwise, I think just time, patience, and a lot of repeating yourself, yes?
Lauren @ HoboMama´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday- Nursing in public
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wow, great comments!!! Way better ideas than I can come up with! I usually lock myself in the bathroom, or, if that’s still too noisy, I go in my bedroom, lock that door, then go in the closet. This would require your bedroom door to have a lock on it!!
I hate talking on the phone. Hate it. I used to really like it!!! But since I had kids it just feels like another chore that interferes with my life and makes my kids act all squirrelly. Gah.
Melissa´s last [type] ..While folding laundry
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