I do. Sarah at One Starry Night recently wrote a post called I Fear Change, which got me to thinking about the different kinds of changes that happen in our lives. Whether we can control that change or not, for me, often dictates the level of discomfort I have with it.
I’m not afraid of the change that I have no control over. I remember when my first daughter was about to be born, a thought rushed through my head: I am about to become a mother. There is no turning back. It was a thought that might scare the living daylights out of anyone who knew the enormity of that life change, but my memory grabbed that empty space in time when I was nobody’s mother, and then I willingly met my new daughter. When I was in my car accident in 1993, a thousand thoughts and images went through my mind before I collided with that other car, but I was at peace, knowing that I could not control what was about to happen. I may fear dying, but I don’t think I will fear death itself. There is a kind of peace that comes with surrendering to the inevitable.
The change I do have control over shakes me up like nothing else. I was a part of the decision to move away from our house in the country to our house in the city, but two weeks into it I still feel lost and exhausted when I wake up in the morning. I am still grieving my losses and fighting the changes, no matter how much work I have put into expanding my horizons and feeling at peace.
I made the decision to homeschool my daughter this year. Partly because our lives are so much in the air it was one decision I could make that I knew we could work around when we didn’t know what our jobs would be. But as much as I am excited by the possibilities that come with homeschooling, I realize that for as much as I’m pretty far out from the mainstream, I am also very traditional. Going to school is traditional. Packing lunches and dropping your child off at the front door, getting to know all her classmates names and attending the school concerts is traditional. Last year I chose to send my daughter to public school even though I thought homeschooling was the best education option. This year I’m uncertain if it will actually work for her, or for us.
I recently chose to accept a new job. The same kind of job in mental health that I did six years ago before I had children. I’ve been waiting for the time when I could return to this kind of work, but for almost six years I’ve been running a family daycare. It’s had its up and downs but I am familiar with the work and I’ve enjoyed making my own hours and working for myself. Now, I worry if I can go back to working for someone else. There have been many changes in the health care system over the years and I wonder if I can handle working for a company chooses the well being of its budget over the well being of the people.
The change I create for myself is like mental Russian roulette. I constantly worry if I’ve made the right decision even after I’ve pulled the trigger. Because it is inevitable that soon I will have to pull it again. And luck runs out. I’ve never liked making my own decisions because I hate to feel responsible for the outcome, but I guess this is what being a grown up is all about. I’m still getting used to it and I’ve been in this rotten position for about 16 years now.
Then there is the kind of change that is brought about between oneself and another or solely by another person that directly affects you. Weaning is one of these changes. Ideally, a breastfeeding relationship will continue until the child outgrows the need. If the nursing relationship needs to end earlier it is recommended that weaning happen gently and gradually. We are very, very slowly weaning. I thought when we moved that the need to nurse would increase but my daughter surprised me by nursing even less. Except at night. She makes up for less nursing when she’s asleep!
I have mixed feelings about her weaning. She is my last baby and I want to end it right. I was pretty successful with my oldest child’s weaning, but it was my decision to end it at her third birthday and she just accepted that. I am starting to want my youngest to stop nursing sooner than later. It is getting more uncomfortable for me, both psychologically and physically. It feels strange now, it’s uncomfortable. She is beginning to tell me things like “that side isn’t working mommy,” or “that one is empty.” Really? My milk supply is actually dwindling after all these years? It is certainly a loss of something I’ve cherished for such a long time. Instead of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it feels like I can see the darkness at the end of the light. The unknown. The place that makes me sad to think about. While I look forward to some aspects of it the same way I looked forward to aspects of our move, the place is fraught with uncertainly and loss.
I don’t want to be the person who sees the glass half empty. I like Pollyannas. I know that change is the one thing in life that is inevitable, and that’s fine when fate or my husband is making the decisions, but some days I really don’t like taking responsibility.
What about you? Do you fear change? If not, can you share what it is that gets you through the uncertainty? I’d be very grateful.
Related posts:
- Finding Balance Amidst Change
- Hey Facebook! Change Your Policies! Breastfeeding is Not Obscene!
- Blog It Forward: Inspiring Change in Breastfeeding and Birth
- How Breastfeeding Can Change Our Body Image
Tags: weaning
Posted by Melodie Breastfeeding Older Children, Breastfeeding Toddler, My Life Subscribe to RSS feed
Change sucks, but you are going to be okay!
) I am going to be homeschooling a 14 year old from our church that my husband and I are *almost* the legal guardians of (within the month we will be!) and there is some fear on my part about how this will all work out.
But, Melodie, it does all work out one way or another, and you are going to be great at all of it! Remember, “we have nothing to fear but fear itself!” Cheesy, yeah, but it’s true. Fear and worry are so closely related; don’t let them control you! And I’ll work on that over on my end, too, okay?
)
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Melodie Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:38 pm
Wow – that’s amazing Laura. I have so much admiration for folks like you. I can imagine it has the tendency to be scary, but it sounds like you have a good support network which will hopefully keep everybody’s head above water. Thanks for the positive message. That old saying is very true.
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Congratulations on deciding to homeschool! Think about it this way: public school is “traditional” like bottlefeeding is “traditional”: our parents did it and lots of people today do it; they consider it the norm. But parents were teaching their kids long before public schools were invented. I’m sure you’ll do great. (I’m not a homeschooling mom yet, but I was homeschooled myself and plan to homeschool when Baby’s older.)
I find the change that happens without my choosing to be the scary kind. I’m not sure whether it’s the right thing or what’s going to happen. But when I’ve chosen it, that means I weighed the pros and cons and decided the course I’m taking is the best one. And then I just throw myself into it! I think and dream and plan to make that change the best it can possibly be. Instead of rethinking a choice I’ve already made, I put my energies into planning for the future.
Sheila´s last [type] ..Mother-baby inseparability
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Melodie Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Hi Sheila,
That’s a really good point about school being traditional just like bottle feeding is traditional. It’s just that I went to public school my whole life (without any problems) and my daughter has had one year at it, and while it wasn’t perfect, it went pretty well. We are giving it a year to decide whether we will continue on with homeschooling. I know in my heart it is the best way for children “in general” to learn, but I’m not sold on if it is best for us. We will see. Your experience with fearing change makes a lot of sense to me too. I think that’s the way it should be, it just isn’t that way for me. Yet!
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I find it helps to remember that a lot of times there is no “right” decision– you have to make a decision and then make it right!
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Melodie Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:41 pm
I think that’s what I am trying to do now. It takes a bit of time though. I wish making it right would go faster!
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So you are homeschooling? I’m struggling with this for my own 6 year-old for this upcoming school year. On the one hand, it feels like it could be a good choice for now, but it still feels strange to me too, like she would be missing out on so much at school. She was in public school last year, and I don’t see us homeschooling long-term, so it’s hard to know what the right decision is and then feel at peace with it. It’s so nice to hear about someone else going through the same things.
The past two years of my life have been about constant change. What I’ve come to love is that, in the midst of all this instability, our family has been such a constant. It’s the one thing that we can always rely on.
I wrote a post that kind of relates to this, if you’re interested. It’s more about change in relation to kids and parenting, but I think it kind of applies to adults too.
http://stlouissmartmama.blogsp.....bel/moving
St. Louis Smart Mama´s last [type] ..A Vote For Missouri Midwives Is A Vote For Women Everywhere
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Melodie Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:44 pm
My husband often tells me “Home is wherever I’m with you,” (like the song that came out recently). It does help that our family is constant though. And thanks for speaking up about being in the same boat as me. It sounds like we are in exactly the same boat. We plan to homeschool for this year at least. I want to send her to another school for Sept 2011, but of course if homeschooling ends up working out great then who knows, I may want to continue. Ah, the unknown!
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Melodie,
I can really relate to your post. I’m on the verge of making some major changes with my business, to really step into what I know I’m meant to offer. And even though I almost feel like I have no choice- it’s as uncomfortable to stay where I am as to move forward- I sometimes find comfort in the idea that I know where I am, and moving forward means stepping into the unknown. All I have to do is make the decision to step forward. And as I write, my heart beats faster, I can literally feel it pounding in my chest- my nerves!
But at this point, to stay where I am means setting an example of settling for less than I really want, not stepping into the service of women who need what I can offer, and not trusting my intuition after it brought me this far. So I’ll step into whatever comes next. I’ll watch for the opportunity that will appear (like magic) when I make the decision to say Yes to what comes next.
It’s scary, but more scary is to think I’ve squandered the opportunity to carry a beneficial message.
BTW- We’re homeschoolers too. The way I see it- we’re here to offer opportunities for learning, to help our kids enjoy discovering new things, and to show them where to begin to find answers. Real learning is experiential, living and fun. Good luck.
Karen´s last [type] ..The Children Are Asking Questions…
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Melodie Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:48 pm
I can totally relate to this: “But at this point, to stay where I am means setting an example of settling for less than I really want.” A part of the reason we moved was to give our girls more and better opportunities. If we hadn’t moved we couldn’t have done that, and of course who wouldn’t pass up a chance to improve the lives of their children? Thank you for the reminder. And re: homeschooling, I plan on writing a post more about this soon. I hope you will come back and share more then!
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I admit it, I fear change. Although, so far, that’s less true with my second child. I suppose that’s only because there’s less unknown. I’ve done this before, and so I feel more prepared. Which doesn’t actually mean that I fear change less, on closer inspection.
What I do know to be true, though, is that the change itself is often easier than worrying about the change. And I hope that holds true for you, as your life moves in new directions.
Amber´s last [type] ..Soccer Mom
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I actually do not fear change at all. I sort of relish it. It excites me. I like change. I like for things to change. I get bored with too much of the same. I think that is where I am right now – a little bored and looking for some new change in my life. I’m not saying life is not good because it is but still I could use something new and different to do.
Upstatemomof3´s last [type] ..You Can Do It
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Melodie Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 pm
oh how I wish I had a little of that right now!
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