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What do you think? Pregnant, fat or just an unflattering shirt?

You know you’ve gained a little too much weight when your stretchy underwear no longer gives way. It was one thing to be asked how far along I was by the guy at the ice cream shoppe a couple months ago when I was wearing my less than flattering, too tightly fitted t-shirt (the one seen here), which was made all the more embarrassing by the fact that I was at an ice cream shoppe and not pregnant. But needing to go and buy new panties because I have a belly bump (but an empty one!) sucks!

I’m not quite sure what happened. At 6 feet tall I have always fluctuated between a nice healthy 157 and a not-too-bad 162 pounds. Now I’m 175. A weight I’ve only ever reached being pregnant.

All I can think to blame it on is the time I fell off the wagon. Off the wagon and into a bag of Hallowe’en candy that is. That was almost a year ago and after three months of going sugar free. I couldn’t have missed it that badly! In fact, no. I remember I actually started losing weight around that time. My diligently exercising friends and I called it “Mel’s cheesecake and ice cream diet.” While they sipped parsley and kale from a glass (green smoothies), I was baking my favorite Vegan Fudge Brownies to bring over for our girlfriend’s spa night. And I lost weight. Yes, I did. But karma is a bitch. You should see my 15 km-running, Bikram’s Hot Yoga Challenge-going, camping by bike with three kids in tow, mountain hiking girlfriends now! Hi ladies! (waving)

The weird thing is I’m not feeling all that horrible about gaining all this new weight. In fact, with the exception of knowing I need to exercise more, I feel pretty good about my body. In some ways I am more accepting of my body at this point in my life than I have ever been. My husband doesn’t have a problem with how I look. My kids don’t care. My ex-boyfriend didn’t say anything condescending when I saw him a couple weeks ago, and for the first time in my life, when my mother pats my belly and asks “what’s this?” I can tell her to knock it off and not let her perception of my fatness ruin my day.

When I was 13 and also 6 feet tall, I weighed 135 lbs. Because my friends were all around 110 lbs I went to Weight Watchers and took diet pills. I read beauty magazines and dreamt of making it as a model. See, I’d taken a local modeling course by a has-been leg hair removal company pin up girl from the 60′s. She told me if I lost 20 lbs that I might have a chance to make it big. She told me I had a nice neck and good teeth. Well, no, my dentist actually told me I had good teeth and could be a tooth model so with all that self-esteem boosting I was determined (for a year or so until it wore off) to give it a shot. I even experimented with bulimia, but I couldn’t make myself throw up and I was too scared to take too many laxatives. Obviously I wasn’t cut out for an eating disorder. Oh darn it anyway.

Do I want to buy new bikini briefs the next size up? No.

Do I want to fit into my sexy red pants and favorite blue jeans again? Yes.

But I bet that I can find new pants to make me feel good too. In fact, the issue is actually more about spending money  on new clothes than what size they are. Plus, shopping is exhausting, and it’s hard to get time away from my two girls to do it alone. Having them with me makes it impossible.

So what am I going to do? I don’t know. I’m cutting back on my sweets but I’m not ready to give them up again just now. Also, in the past, when I fluctuated up, I always fluctuated back down. The season would change, or my appetite would change. I’d eat more salads and less grains. I’d snack less because I’d go to bed earlier. I actually thought I would lose what I have gained this summer, but for some reason I have not. Maybe it’s been the stress of moving? Well, no matter what the reason is I now have a tummy that looks like this – okay I’m kind of sticking it out but the shirt truly doesn’t do me any favours.

My "bump."

I don’t love it. I don’t hate it. But I am okay with it. Maybe it just takes reaching one’s mid-30′s to feel this way.

But no, I’m not pregnant. The Feminist Breeder is though.

How are you feeling about your body these days?

Photo credit: My budding photographer three year old daughter!

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23 Responses to “No, I’m Not Pregnant”

  1. #1 Lara Says:
    August 10, 2010 at 1:40 am
  2. #2 sara Says:

    August 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm
  3. #3 Debbi Does Dinner Healthy Says:

    August 10, 2010 at 5:11 pm
  4. #4 TheFeministBreeder Says:
    August 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm
  5. #5 mari Says:

    August 10, 2010 at 8:54 pm
  6. #6 Anjanette/MommaYoung Says:

    August 10, 2010 at 11:07 pm
  7. #7 Christy Says:

    August 10, 2010 at 11:40 pm
  8. #8 sarah Says:

    August 11, 2010 at 1:33 am
  9. #9 Amber Says:

    August 11, 2010 at 1:39 am
  10. #10 Dagmar Bleasdale Says:
    August 11, 2010 at 1:53 am
  11. #11 Lauren @ HoboMama Says:

    August 11, 2010 at 2:39 am
  12. #12 Maman A Droit Says:

    August 11, 2010 at 7:07 pm
  13. #13 katy Says:

    August 11, 2010 at 11:52 pm
  14. #14 katy Says:

    August 12, 2010 at 12:07 am
  15. #15 Betsy Says:

    August 12, 2010 at 12:16 am
  16. #16 alex@a moderate life Says:
    August 13, 2010 at 2:01 am

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