You’ve just birthed your baby. You’re home and ready for a sleep. You’re dying for a sleep. You could sleep for a week if you didn’t suddenly have a new baby to care for. You look longingly at your bed. Soon, you tell yourself. Soon.
You carry your baby out of the bedroom and into his own. You, like most new moms have spent your pregnancy being wooed by images of nurseries, cribs and bassinets. You have all of the above, beautifully decorated and ready to receive your lullabies and your baby’s dreams. As you go to put him down you feel a dull pain wrench inside you. It doesn’t feel right. He looks so small and vulnerable lying there. You tell yourself how silly you’re being, that all babies sleep apart from their mothers and they all do just fine. Don’t they? Your baby starts to cry and you rub his back and stroke his cheek, but soon you find yourself picking him up and rocking him, then finally nursing him until he falls asleep at your breast. Now what do you do? You don’t want to wake him but you don’t want to get stuck in this chair for the next two hours. You’re exhausted!
Carefully you carry him into your room and without closing your blouse or moving him too much, you lie down in your bed with him next to your breast. If your mother saw you you’re sure she’d have something to say, but you need your sleep and there is no one here to help you right now.
You quickly fall asleep with your baby next to you. The both of you sleep well, safe in the knowledge that you are so close to each other. You wake once when he wakes up rooting. He is hungry and needs to nurse again. You both fall asleep in the middle of breastfeeding until your partner arrives.
Suddenly you feel guilty. Will he accuse you of putting your baby at risk? You realize this is something you never spoke about. You thought your baby would sleep in his crib too. You start, “I was just so tired and he wouldn’t fall asleep, and then he did but I didn’t want to wake him, and…” but your partner isn’t listening. Instead he is staring at the two of you and smiling. “I never told you, but Jenn and Doug sleep with their baby,” he says. “I think it’s great. Doug tells me that Jenn gets a way better sleep and he hardly ever has to get up with the baby because when their daughter wakes up she just rolls over and feeds her until they fall asleep again.” You stare at him. “Well at first she didn’t get tons of sleep,” he corrects himself, “because their daughter was all turned around with time and would spend much of the night awake, kicking and fidgeting, but eventually she learned the difference between night and day and now it works great. At least that’s what Doug said.”
Really? People they knew did this? They actually got sleep? She called Jenn and she confirmed that it was true. She also lent her a copy of the new addition of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, highlighting the chapters on sharing sleep.
On page 114 she read: There’s the question of how to get naps and good night’s rest. And there’s the question of where you sleep and where they baby sleeps. Your baby would answer them with one word: together.
Together.
If her baby could talk that is what he would ask for.
That was all she needed to hear.
Note: I am aware that bed sharing is not something that works for all families. I am not here to debate that and fully respect each family’s decision to do what is best for them and the unique needs of their child. Instead, for anyone considering bed sharing I wanted to provide this food for thought.
I have been in mom-and-baby groups where mother after mother very sheepishly admits that she co-sleeps. It strikes me as so odd that something that so many of us do is still viewed as hush-hush and taboo. Especially considering how many other methods of encouraging infant sleep are lauded from the rooftops.
Amber´s last [type] ..To my Daughter on the First Day of Kindergarten
Holly Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 2:03 am
Amber, it is so HUSH HUSH because mothers have their children taken and put into state custody and some states are either outright outlawing it or are running horrible campaigns against it. It is terribly sad. If you are drunk, high or using bottles you probably shouldn’t.. scratch that SHOULD NOT co-sleep. However, if you are sober and breastfeeding it is perfectly safe. A study in Michigan (??? I THINK AND AM PRETTY SURE IT WAS MI???) found that of the 168 babies that died of co-sleeping accidents they all had ONE thing in common.. care to guess what it was?? Not drunk or high parents… they were BOTTLE FED!! Bottle fed babies are higher on the bed, nearer to the pillows and went searching the bed for the bottle. Breastfed babies were at mother’s chest height away from pillows, snuggled to mom and breast to get to food (instead of searching the bed for a bottle) which gave mom the knowledge of where the child was in the bed…
I know this isn’t as coherent as I want it to be.. please forgive me.. I am a sleep deprived mother ROFL
You get the idea though right??
Moms are SCARED to admit they are co-sleeping. My kids DENTIST even warned me against co-sleeping. The hospital when my son was in the peds unit insisted on putting apnea monitors on him when I insisted on co-sleeping and I was warned I would be banned from the hospital and called in to DCS if I rolled on him… definite scare tactics
This is why it is so hush hush 
Shouldn’t be but it is 
Melodie Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 8:50 pm
Holly
You are right about the bottle feeding. And while I don’t think you were incoherent if anyone else wants to read more about what you are trying to say I wrote a post about that awhile ago here: http://www.breastfeedingmomsun.....important/
It’s sad that moms and dads alike are made to feel scared of this. Out where Amber and I live in B.C. I haven’t heard of anyone getting any nasty talking to’s, but I am aware of some of the campaigns out there trolling for families to repent. Sad.
I think co-sleeping is great for many. I did co-sleep with both of my kids but only when they were very young. As they got older they were moved to a crib by the bed and then into their own room. They both took to it really well with no transition struggles at all. Which actually made me quite happy, since I don’t have to transition them now that they’re older. I can’t actually imagine not co-sleeping with a tiny newborn. Mine fed so often, I would never have been able to keep my eyes open if I had to keep getting up to get them.
Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last [type] ..Gussied Up- Wednesday of Few Words
Melodie Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
I found the same with both of mine as babies too. I feel bad for the moms who feel they can’t/won’t co-sleep and wind up being more sleep deprived than they need to be. I respect their choice but sometimes I wish those moms who complain would just give it a secret try.
I’ve co-slept with all five of my children (not at the same time!
) and I can’t imagine it any other way. Your post expresses beautifully how natural and even logical it seems to just lay down together and get some good rest. When you think about how we would live out in nature, would we set up a separate section of the cave and isolate our infant there?
We did a modified co-sleeping situation. When our son was born I was very sick and on medication that made it unsafe for us to sleep together, so he slept in a bassinet next to our bed, and then in another room when my parents (quite alarmed) bought us a crib. When our daughter came we were a bit more informed, so we bought a king-size bed for co-sleeping. Our son came into our bed at this point, at 2 years old, and we all slept together for about six months. I have fond memories of waking up with all of my family around me, and lazy mornings where we hardly left the bed. But our daughter was a light, fussy sleeper, so we put her in a bed adjacent to ours for a while, but that wasn’t enough. So she went into the hall – still not far enough away – then she went into her own room, where she finally started sleeping soundly. She’s a hypersensitive little person who really needs her own space.
When our son was ready to leave our bed, we put both kids in a shared bed. They slept together for about two years. Just recently we put them into two separate bedrooms to sleep (they’re 4 and 5 now) after the girl’s hypersensitivity made itself known again in a big way!
Now we’re all sleeping perfectly.
I’m supportive of co-sleeping, but more than that, I’m supportive of families finding whatever arrangement works best for THEM! Wherever everyone gets the best sleep is the “right” way to sleep.
Chandelle´s last [type] ..un-discipline
Melodie Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 8:54 pm
Agreed. Thanks for sharing your story Chandelle. My girls have recently expressed an interest in sleeping together but I can’t get them to settle down when they do. They share a room and bunkbeds though and I know they really like it. Especially now that my little one starts out in her own room with big sister. Gives her a feeling of safety before her mid morning wake up when she crawls into bed with me.
I’m actually coming late to cosleeping, since it never worked for us when baby was a newborn. But now we’re trying to help him gain a little weight, and I’ve found sleeping next to him helps my milk supply like nothing else. (It’s not that he’s waking more, because he isn’t: just the contact seems to be doing the trick. I wake up overflowing.)
Unfortunately baby doesn’t like it that much. He often wakes up crying, and won’t latch on in that position while half asleep. I have to sit up to latch him on, wait till he’s dozy, and then lie back down. Any ideas?
Sheila´s last [type] ..Car safety tips
Melodie Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 9:07 pm
I have a couple ideas. If you are overproducing at night he may have trouble latching because you are more engorged than usual and lying down to receive it might make him sputter because he’s on his side, which isn’t always conducive to good swallowing behaviour. Expressing a little before he latches might help, and doing what you’re doing is great. He will probably grow out of it the older he gets and you will be able to nurse him while lying down. Can he nurse lying down with you during the day?
Sheila Reply:
September 11th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Only if he’s wide awake. He just doesn’t have the instinct to latch from a side-lying position without waking up all the way.
What we’re doing right now is starting him out in his crib, and bringing him to bed for awhile here and there. That way we all get some “good” sleep, but I do get some time beside him as well.
Sheila´s last [type] ..Chicago trip
Our little man is 9 months and we co-sleep. We had been from the beginning and then we met a couple who talked about how happy their little guy (a week younger) in his own crib. My husband and I thought we were these horrible failures and put our little man in his crib.
For two months things actually went very well. Then all of a sudden he just seemed to be sooooo hungry and soooo happy with us. So for the past few months its back to co-sleeping and we’re all really happy.
I would do if for a while. My only thing is what do we do when he’s two and we have a newborn? How do we squeeze all four of us into a teeny tiny bed? Do we transition to a big boy bed? Will he feel so left out? Ugh! Too many things I’m just so unsure of.
Melodie Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 9:20 pm
It can work (you could get a new bed or move onto the floor or just move one or two of you onto the floor), or you can transition him (you’ll want to do it slowly and gently before the baby arrives). Things like that generally work themselves out. I wrote a post on transitioning my oldest to her own bed when she was two. It’s listed at the bottom of this post.
I love this, and co-slept (out of necessity with the first, by choice with the second) with both my children. The first was allergic to dairy (that I was eating while nursing), so he was fussy until we figured that out, and at the beginning, the only thing that calmed him was nursing. I had also broken my tailbone in delivery and lying down was more comfortable than standing up for nursing. So, tired Mom + laying down + nursing = co-sleeping. We tried to “break” my son of this when he was a few months old, but after a week of “crying it out” and a huge phone bill (I couldn’t stand him crying, so had to talk to someone!), we went back to co-sleeping. He slept this way until he was about 18 months, then we transitioned him to a twin mattress next to our bed, and finally to his own room.
I learned so much from the first experience, that I chose to co-sleep from day 1 with baby 2. He slept wonderfully (and so did I) from the beginning, and he has always been a better sleeper. We transitioned him out of our bed just like the first, albeit a bit slower, but now both sleep wonderfully in their own rooms.
We are thinking of putting them back together in one of the rooms, and getting bunk beds, or something (they are both boys), because they sleep better when they are in the same room (as we have done on vacations, or they will have a “sleepover” in the other room).
I miss the days of co-sleeping, and am still praying for more babies (and a change of heart for hubby to want more), and I would not hesitate to co-sleep again.
Also, just to mention, we did use the crib a bit – the second did take some naps in the crib (occasionally), and we used it as a great changing table for both. Just put the mattress on it’s highest setting, and viola! Big changing table.
To your success,
Dr. Laura
Laura Aridgides´s last [type] ..Tasty Tuesday – Apple Pie Larabar Remake
The only issue with co-sleeping that I’ve found so far is that my son gets reflux pretty bad and if I ever feed him from a laying position, he can’t keep it down. Luckily I’ve began to notice the look on his face when projectile vomiting is about to occur. So he has a crib next to our bed. I feed him and he goes back in the crib after a good burp session. Occasionally, I’ll let him sleep in bed with us if he’s been burped well.
I’d love it if I could just roll over and feed him, then drift back to sleep with him at my side. Maybe it’s just not in the cards for us.
E.
Great post!
Erin´s last [type] ..Labor Day and Not so Garlic Festival at Shawnee
We co-slept since he was a week old. For some reason my mother-in-law (who stayed with us at first and was for the most part amazingly helpful) didn’t think it was safe with a brand new baby and wouldn’t show me how to nurse lying down until he was a week old. I had a c-section and was really struggling at first. I even fell asleep involuntarily one time while nursing him on the couch that first week because my MIL told me I had to do it that way. Luckily she was watching and came over and woke me up, and I didn’t drop the baby or anything. She helped me figure out the side-laying nursing the next day. Next baby I’ll know better. Obviously if I’m that tired, being in a bed laying down is about a million times safer than being in a chair or on a couch!
My own mom, when I was pregnant, told me “it’s soooo tempting to take that snuggly little baby and let them sleep with you in your bed. but you can’t, or they’ll never learn how to fall asleep on their own”. I know now that is a false statement and am following my instincts instead of her counterintuitive advice!
Maman A Droit´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday- How To Slide
When my daughter was born, we had her in a cradle next to our bed, but somehow she always ended up co-sleeping
When she was 10 weeks we moved her to a crib in her own room (unlike the dad in your story, Melodie, my husband did think babies should sleep alone) – and she did sleep well – once I got her to sleep, which could take upwards of 2 hours!
At five months I finally realized this was stupid and brought her back into our bed, and she stayed there until 18 months, when we transitioned her to her own futon. Slowly, she needed my presence less and less.
When my son was born in February, we hadn’t even bothered to put up a crib. We both realized that this was the way that got everyone the most sleep.
When we got the usual “how’s the sleep deprivation?” questions when he was tiny, we just laughed and said “huh?”. We were lucky – not all babies are such great co-sleepers, but it’s perfect for us. Now when people ask if he’s sleeping through the night, I either outright lie, or I proudly say “no, he sleeps next to me and I don’t expect him to sleep through. This works for us.”
As far as I’m concerned, babies and mothers are supposed to sleep together. Nature wouldn’t have designed a system where mothers are so sleep deprived. It’s not safe.
Melodie Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
Great point! –> “Nature wouldn’t have designed a system where mothers are so sleep deprived. It’s not safe.”
This is so sweet. I think you are right that many moms don’t realize how common it is or how much easier it can make breastfeeding. I don’t do it, but only because my Little Pig has always been a good sleeper. Of course he is in a basinet next to the bed
I am starting a new breastfeeding carnival/hop each Friday. Yesterday was the very first one and I’m leaving the linky open all week so people can find it and join up. I would love to have you link this post and participate every Friday!