Every once in awhile I have a week that really sucks. Even if things are going well around me, inside I feel like running away. Twice in the past two days I almost did. Funny thing about island life is that in order to truly run away you need to take a ferry and when you come up against that barrier you realize you need to turn around and go home. Okay life I’m ready for this phase to be over. Next please. This has been one of those weeks.
It’s quite bizarre really. What do I have to feel crappy about? Just this week I booked a flight to Paris, and I am going in March with one of my oldest dearest friends whom I haven’t seen since she was the matron of honour at my wedding five years ago.
We met in Paris when I was 18 and she was 15 so this is coming around full circle now 18 years later. We sat next to each other on a bus for 8 hours and it sealed the deal for a lifelong friendship. I went to her high school graduation, she came out to see me two years later, I went out for her wedding, she came out for the birth of my first child and then my wedding a few months later. She was there for me during another extremely difficult time in my life. She’s one of those people I don’t even have to talk to for a year and then when we do we just pick up where we left off. She’s someone I still write paper letters to because that’s what we did in the 1990′s, and there’s just something about getting a paper letter in the mail makes the whole day better.
So yeah, I’m going to Paris and I should be ecstatic about it, and I am, but I’m too busy wishing I was somewhere else (maybe Paris?) to feel anything. I could write a long list of things and people that have disappointed me this past week, the stress over applying for my Master’s degree (again), the shitty job I think I’m doing of homeschooling my daughter (at least 4/5 days a week), the issues I’m struggling with parenting and the ones with blogging, or the crazy hormone fluctuations that appear to be getting worse by the month, but I don’t think any of those things are at the root of what is going on with me. I’m just plain not happy right now.
And if there is a reason for my unhappiness it I’m too overwhelmed by life to figure out what it is.
A friend of mine asked me how I was today and other than talking about my graduate studies application I was at a loss for words. I still am. I suppose that writing this was not the light bulb moment I was hoping for.
One thing I wish I had right now though are my friends. I used to go out with friends once a week before we moved. Hanging with girlfriends is very therapeutic even if you don’t even feel like you need therapy. And now, other than one friend who I haven’t had more than a half hour coffee date with since I moved here, and a single ex-boyfriend who I really don’t need to adopt as my new bff, I am friendless in this city.
It’s freaking hard to make friends in the city. I miss my small town where everyone knew someone who knew you or one of your friends. Here, people are so…. so…. aloof, and busy, and pre-occupied, and snooty. Either that or everyone I’ve met already has enough friends. I’m a nice person people. You want me to be your friend. Just ask my friends. I can give you references?
I need to go to a La Leche League meeting. It’s where I met all my original mommy friends. The problem with going now though is that my nursling is three and a half years old. What new mom can relate to nursing a pre-schooler? Plus, most moms make friends with other moms who have kids around the same age. Gone are the baby days for me. Honey, can you get a reversal on your surgery so I can make new friends?
Note: To my new readers – I am usually not this neurotic. Please check back another day when I am feeling saner. To my faithful readers, thanks for being there. It’s nice to know someone is listening.
P.S. I will write more about my Paris trip another day.
P.P.S. If you wanted to make me 17% happier you could enter to win this gorgeous Celtic Fire Nursing Necklace by Wild Mother Arts.
Photo credit: Yirsh
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I have found Meetup.com to be invaluable for meeting new people with whom I share common ground. I’m a member of two different Mommy’s Clubs on Meetup.com and between the two we have playdates to go to every weekday. Maybe you could find a group of parents with preschoolers in your area. Or a group of parents who are homeschooling. All it takes is a quick search. Good luck getting out of your slump.
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Melodie Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 11:58 pm
I have heard of Meetup. I guess I should give it a try. Thanks for your suggestion.
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I’ve been going through something similar as well. I am struggling with my business, but I am my own worst enemy. It all becomes REALLY overwhelming very easily, but, again, I take on all of these things until I can’t take on anymore. Then I’m suddenly breaking own into a heap on the floor.
You are very right about the friend thing. I don’t really have any actual family that I turn to. I was a foster child and lived with almost every family member I know of, so you can imagine that it is hard to feel close to any of them. My friends on the other hand were hand picked by me. I call them my framily because I know that we are a village of love and care. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them.
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Melodie Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 11:58 pm
That’s me. Breaking down in the floor. Missing my friends like crazy. Just having people I could call up and know that I could go and see them if I needed to . I suppose I still could but an hr drive is not as easy (over a mountain in the dark at that) as a 15 min drive.
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Melodie, Boy can I feel where you are. I have been a bit “off” too and the pressure I put on myself to homeschool “just right” doesn’t help my neurosis.
Here is what I am doing today for my sanity: I’m writing a letter to my husband to tell him everything I love about him. Like a Thanksgiving letter just for him. I may write one for each of my girls too. Because each time I think about the blessings of these wonderful people in my life, I want to run away from home just a little less.
I’m submitting my application to teach a coop this Spring. My oldest misses hanging out with kids her age as often as we could before her friends began Kindergarten. Now all the kids at the park are much younger than her, and she wants to spend more time with kids closer to her age. I get that, and the only way to get into the co-op is to teach a class. So I’m prepping for a fun hands-on science class. Look out kids, we’re gonna get messy!
I’m forgiving myself (again) for not being perfect. This is one that gets me more often than I’d like to admit. I compare my insides to other people’s outsides and think I’ve fallen short. But I’m really enough, exactly as I am- especially when I’m willing to embrace my humanity. It helps me teach my kids how to make mistakes and go on when they see me living by example.
Anyway, I haven’t commented in a while, but felt compelled to send a hug your way. I’m right there with you. And tho we can’t have a coffee date from this far away, just know I’d hang out with you in a minute! K
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Melodie Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 11:56 pm
That is such a great idea about the co-op. I wish there was something I could do to facilitate my oldest daughter meeting up with other kids on a regular basis. She is in yoga, skating and music classes but doesn’t speak with the other kids in her classes because of her extreme shyness. The only time she does really well with other kids is at our house when they come over on a regular basis (like when I did daycare) and become like family. Since I am not doing that anymore it is hard to know what to do for her. She resists my ideas to invite kids from her classes over. I have started telling her I just want to invite the other moms over so I can have friends because even if she doesn’t want them I do! Maybe I should just do that anyway.
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Oh Melodie,
I am so sorry. I totally understand though. Once I had my son I lost a few of my great single and childless girlfriends back in LA. Then we moved to London and I barely hear from any of them. Even my best friend since high school is so busy working (flight attendant) and raising her daughter she doesn’t have time for me. The Brits aren’t a very out-going bunch either. I’ve made a couple of friends because I started a playgroup at my house for the kids. They are nice moms but we have nothing in common – except for just 1 mom – who just had a baby 4 days ago. So I feel for you. The loneliness – especially if you are a very sociable person. Hang in there.
You don’t need to have children the same age to make friends. Multi age play is so important. Start a meet up group!
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Melodie Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 11:52 pm
I have met a couple of our neighbours and really want my oldest daughter to have their kids as playmates since she isn’t going to school and I am no longer doing daycare. I kind of wish I was for her sake though as she has always done best with the kids who come to our house regularly. I like your idea of starting a play group in your home but I too worry (maybe not the word I am looking for) about not having much in common with the other moms. Already I can see that I don’t have much in common with my neighbours and while I have been to a function at one of their houses and really hope to find some common ground to make that connection with someone, it just hasn’t happened yet. You hit the nail on the head. I have been feeling very lonely. Husbands, kids, family, and friends over the phone just don’t cut it on days like this.
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Hey Babe,
Make sure you are getting enough excercise and just be kind to yourself.
Do not have another baby to improve your social life. Oh my god. That is the worst idea I have ever heard in my entire life. And I live with preschoolers so, um, I hear a lot of bad ideas in a day.
If homeschooling isn’t working out would you consider not homeschooling?
I just feel about 300% more human this year now that I don’t have 2 under 2 and my oldest girl is giong to school and I”m meeting all the other moms in my community.
I don’t used to think I was the only mom stuck at home in the suburbs while all the people under 65 went off to work every morning. Now that I walk my daughter to school every morning I feel like I’m part of a community. I’m thrilled to be making new friends at my age — it’s not as easy as it used to be!
We just had a couple over for dinner this Saturday and got to know them over a few bottles of wine while our children entertained each other. It was awesome! We met them because they have a kid in kindergarten with our daughter. They just live a couple blocks away but I would never have met them otherwise.
Just saying — school might be a better choice. It’s important to know when you’re over-extended. I don’t know much about your situation, so I’m definately not judging, just dropping a suggestion.
I personally think homeschooling would drive me bonker-donkers.
Hugs!
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Melodie Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 11:47 pm
Don’t worry I was just kidding about having another baby. My husband has had a vasectomy and I would never ask him to reverse it, especially since I was the one who insisted he get it in the first place! And while I will definitely finish up this home school year I am leaning towards putting her back into public school next year. We kind of had to home school her this year as our move was pretty much a last minute decision and we didn’t like the local public school and couldn’t decide between some others, plus with neither of us having jobs to come here to we had no idea who would take her to school or pick her up once school started again. Now that we have that a little better figured out I think we’d be okay to send her to a school. And we will send her for sure if I get into my Master’s program as there is no way I could home school her and do full time classes too. No siree Bob!
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Making new friends as an adult is really hard. I moved almost 5 years ago, and it took a long time. Even now, I only have a couple of people who I am close enough to that I feel comfortable calling just to chat. I’m also really bad at keeping up communication, but that’s another story.
I think going to a LLL meeting is a great idea. As my leaders tell me, it’s wonderful to have exerpienced moms at the meetings. You might inspire some to nurse longer than they thought they would.
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Melodie Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 11:43 pm
That’s what I keep telling myself about going to a LLL meeting too. And I should go now before she suddenly weans on me and I wind up there for needing to find support for no longer breastfeeding.
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I just wanted to send you a huge hug!!
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Oh Melodie, I feel like I could have written a lot of this post myself. I hear you. Having a supportive social community is so very important to my emotional health, and I have had an unbelievably hard time making friends in my adopted city (I’ve been here 6 years now!) I won’t offer more advice or tips as I’m sure you’ll get enough of those. Just an ear and a shoulder from someone who knows how you feel. [[Hugs]]
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Melodie Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 11:42 pm
Thank you Shana. I really appreciate your note. Even though this city is new to me as a mom I actually lived here for 9 years before meeting my husband and moving away. But all the good friends, except one, that I made university and as roommates have moved away and I’m needing to get to know this city all over again. I thought it would be a bit easier but it isn’t. Thanks again.
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Big Hugs Melodie. I so understand where you are coming from. I had SEVERE post partum depression and anxiety. I spent weeks and weeks seeing a mental health nurse once a week. She drilled something into my head : “Self Care!” I need my weekly escape too. Email me anytime I would love to meet you for a visit somewhere in the middle. I am just on the Malahat. I usually get Wednesdays off. Big Hugs again. (four hugs a day is the minimum) Are you involved in a homeschool coop or do you know other moms who homeschool? I can introduce you to one mom who is in Victoria who homeschools and shares some of your core values around breastfeeding, home birth, etc. Let me know.
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Melodie Reply:
December 1st, 2010 at 2:50 am
I would love to meet another mom in town who homeschools. Especially if her kids are around my oldest daughter’s age, who is 6, but actually if she’s into the same stuff as I am it might not matter. Email me the particulars for sure. Thank you!!!!
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Oh Melodie. I could not help but smile reading this. Not because I am happy you are sad, but because I so relate to you.
This will pass soon. I promise it will pass much quicker if you surrender and not resist where you are at. Feel the feelings to their fullest extent and let them go. Get to a place of acceptance and things will definately look better in a couple of days.
Most importantly, get some rest, slow downa nd just accept life is full on at the moment. Go easy on yourself. You have so much on your plate. I admire you for doing so much and keeping it together for the most part. Having a bad few days is probably essential for you to slow down and evaluate a few things..xx
You are an amazing mother, blogger, and mentor to so many woman.
Love…Naj..xxx
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Melodie Reply:
December 1st, 2010 at 2:49 am
Your comment totally made my day. Thank you.
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I’m sorry you’re having one of those weeks. Those weeks SUCK.
I hope things are looking up for you soon.
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I have felt this way time and again…
Amy´s last [type] ..Progress
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Mel,
I am so excited for you to be going to Paris.
I know you have quite a bit going on right now but would love to meet up for coffee & a chat soon. I agree it is hard to make real friends here. I know a ton of people from all my “work” stuff but it is hard to fall apart and cry on someones shoulder or talk about relationship issues when it is a “business” friend. As an example.
Self care is important when being pulled in many directions. Even if some of those directions are lovely and rewarding.
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I still think you should head to an LLL meeting – there might be tonnes of ladies nursing preschoolers! There are at least 4 or 5 of us in our group!
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Melodie Reply:
December 1st, 2010 at 2:48 am
There were lots of us in my old group too. I just need to go already. All this encouragement is helpful though.
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ask your local LLL group if they would consider holding Toddler Meetings – these are geared to moms nursing older babies/toddlers/children – you can meet other mothers that are “crazy” like you –
(just kidding!)
OR…become a LLL Leader yourself!
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Melodie Reply:
December 1st, 2010 at 2:47 am
I think they do hold a toddler group here. I just need to get my butt in gear and go already. I’m just procrastinating, and I have no idea why.
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It’s probably not very helpful to say I loved this post, but you know I am a sucker for authenticity. Personally, I do not see how ANYONE would not want to be friends with you. Well, maybe the CEO of Nestle, but other than that I’m stumped. Hugs from Texas.
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Melodie Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 2:39 am
Aw. Thanks Heather.
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When I moved to FL (and also lived on an island) I found an AP group at Meetup.com that I really liked. It was far away though and I didn’t make it to much, so I know what you mean about feeling alone and isolated and needing friends. If there’s an LLL group nearby I think you should absolutely go; you never know, there could be a lot of moms with toddlers, or even if there aren’t think how much experience and perspective you have to offer newer moms . . .
Like-minded, supportive mom friends are so important, but sometimes they can be hard to come by. Every time I read your posts about these kinds of things I wish that we lived in the same city and could get together for those coffee dates! Hang in there!
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OK, I know it’s been a couple weeks since you posted this — and I do hope that you haven’t had any suckful weeks since! But I keep wanting and then forgetting to leave you this tip for finding friends in the city! At least, it worked for me in a couple instances…. Anyway, when the Critter was a newborn and I was so so so lonely, anytime I met a like-minded mom at the library or tot lot or LLL meeting or wherever, I’d just give her my business card and invite her to e-mail or call me so that we could get together sometime. (I should maybe note that because I work for myself, my business cards are pretty plain and not corporate — almost like a calling card, I guess.) I gave out more business cards than I got e-mails, but it never worried me if someone never e-mailed or called, and I got two friends out of it. Best wishes to you, Melodie!
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Melodie Reply:
December 19th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Thank you Rachael. I have thought about getting those play date calling cards but it is something I have yet to do! Maybe I should make it my New Year’s resolution.
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