My husband has been supportive of natural parenting, but I do get the sense that if he had married and had kids with someone else he wouldn’t be adamant about it like I am.

Actually, once upon a time my husband was married to someone else and he did have a child with her. Lucky for me, she and I have the breastfeeding thing in common so he got indoctrinated with its importance when my step son was born. In fact, my step son was breastfed until he was two, and as my husband recalls, he probably would have nursed longer if he self-weaned. I don’t think his ex was as crunchy as me, but the fact that she breastfed so long has worked in my favour. I shudder to think what things would have been like if she had bottle fed their son.

My hubby in an alternate universe: “My son had formula and he turned out just fine! Are you insinuating that I harmed him by feeding him formula? You want to breastfeed for how long!?”

Phew, thanks hubby’s ex-wife!

My husband leaves most of the attachment parenting stuff to me. This is not to say he isn’t attached to his children, but as far as Dr. Sears Baby B’s went, that was all me. He was one of those late-attachment forming dads, which is to say, even though he loved them on the spot at birth, once they reached an age when he became a person of interest and not just an intrusion that got between them and my boobs, he became more and more involved in their care. That’s not to say I did it all. He changed their cloth diapers, held them when they cried, and was supportive of my choice to breastfeed and bed share. But I am the one who read the books, talked with the other natural parenting moms, and of course, who has the boobs. When I am in doubt I have places to go to build my strength and confidence. When he’s been in doubt, he’s just in doubt, and it’s hard to be the only one doing the convincing that crying-it-out isn’t okay and that breastfeeding past age three is fine.

Last year he said to our two year old daughter, “You’re not going to be having milkies for much longer you know.” She did know. (That he was wrong!) We used to read a very cute book about weaning that she loved, but I stopped talking to her about weaning because I could see that she wasn’t ready. And “soon” to a two year old is a pretty abstract term. “Soon” tonight? “Soon” next year? (beyond comprehension!) Now, if the subject of weaning is brought up she completely ignores us. She knows she can have it at bedtime and in the morning. That’s good enough for both of us, and daddy now accepts that this is the way it is.

A hot non-gay dad carrying his baby girl.

As far as babywearing goes…sorry…I needed a break to wipe the tears of hilarity from my eyes as I think about it. As I share the following, please be advised that this is my husband’s sense of humour talking here and I think it is funny because I enjoy his sarcasm. My sharing this with you is not meant to offend you.

My husband is NOT a babywearer. I pretty much forced him to carry our first daughter in my ring sling when she was a couple weeks old. I took a picture. It was a pretty special occasion as it hasn’t happened since. We went for a five minute walk and then he was done. A man carrying a baby in a baby carrier, to him, is akin to a man carrying his wife’s purse. Which, by the way, he won’t hold for me even if I have to put mine down in a public place, for like 2 minutes. He’ll put it on a shelf and guard it but he won’t touch it.

“C’mon!” I’d say. “All the cool dads wear their babies. See!” And then I’d shove pictures of cute, crunchy-looking dads carrying babies and toddlers in mei-tais and backpacks from the pages of my Mothering Magazine in his face. “Don’t you want to be a cool dad?”

“They’re all gay!” he’d smirk.

“But this one has big muscles and tattoos and is carrying a chain saw!” I’d lament.

“Gay.”

So no offense to anyone’s non-gay babywearing husband. I think guys who wear their babies are hot. That whole I-want-to-bond-with-my-baby-by-holding-him-close-thing makes me swoon a little. It’s right up there with “Honey, mind if I vacuum for you today? And then clean the bathtub? I really want to.” Oh yes. Here I am. Swooning away. Swoon swoon swoon.

But my husband is only sorta crunchy in a non-committal sort of way when it comes to natural parenting. I think it’s so he has an exit if things get tough, or if our child suddenly doesn’t fit the image of an attachment parented child, which in our house is since the beginning of time. Our kids scream, cling, and whine. Because of this I think he feels like he can say “See! Attachment parenting doesn’t work!” But then I say “Things would only be worse if I wasn’t doing it this way!”

Don’t get me wrong, I feel his frustration too. There have been times I’ve questioned whether attachment or natural parenting was and/or is right for our kids, but I always come back to yes. Following my instincts, choosing to stay close to my babies, either by breastfeeding, baby wearing or bed sharing, and treating them with the same kind of respect that we would want to be treated with as adults, feels right. Luckily, my husband has a hard time arguing with that. And luckily, I enjoy his sense of humour.

Dad With Daughter on Beach Photo Credit: simmbarb

Baby Wearing Photo Credit: Sierraromeo

Related posts:

1. Monday Musings: Becoming An Attachment Parent
2. Parenting Insights Gained From Being In A Wheel Chair
3. Self-Attachment: Smart Babies Want to Breastfeed

I do

I’m not afraid of the change that I have no control over. I remember when my first daughter was about to be born, a thought rushed through my head: I am about to become a mother. There is no turning back. It was a thought that might scare the living daylights out of anyone who knew the enormity of that life change, but my memory grabbed that empty space in time when I was nobody’s mother, and then I willingly met my new daughter. When I was in my car accident in 1993, a thousand thoughts and images went through my mind before I collided with that other car, but I was at peace, knowing that I could not control what was about to happen. I may fear dying, but I don’t think I will fear death itself. There is a kind of peace that comes with surrendering to the inevitable.

The change I do have control over shakes me up like nothing else. I was a part of the decision to move away from our house in the country to our house in the city, but two weeks into it I still feel lost and exhausted when I wake up in the morning. I am still grieving my losses and fighting the changes, no matter how much work I have put into expanding my horizons and feeling at peace.

I made the decision to homeschool my daughter this year. Partly because our lives are so much in the air it was one decision I could make that I knew we could work around when we didn’t know what our jobs would be. But as much as I am excited by the possibilities that come with homeschooling, I realize that for as much as I’m pretty far out from the mainstream, I am also very traditional. Going to school is traditional. Packing lunches and dropping your child off at the front door, getting to know all her classmates names and attending the school concerts is traditional. Last year I chose to send my daughter to public school even though I thought homeschooling was the best education option. This year I’m uncertain if it will actually work for her, or for us.

I recently chose to accept a new job. The same kind of job in mental health that I did six years ago before I had children. I’ve been waiting for the time when I could return to this kind of work, but for almost six years I’ve been running a family daycare. It’s had its up and downs but I am familiar with the work and I’ve enjoyed making my own hours and working for myself. Now, I worry if I can go back to working for someone else. There have been many changes in the health care system over the years and I wonder if I can handle working for a company chooses the well being of its budget over the well being of the people.

The change I create for myself is like mental Russian roulette. I constantly worry if I’ve made the right decision even after I’ve pulled the trigger. Because it is inevitable that soon I will have to pull it again. And luck runs out. I’ve never liked making my own decisions because I hate to feel responsible for the outcome, but I guess this is what being a grown up is all about. I’m still getting used to it and I’ve been in this rotten position for about 16 years now.

Then there is the kind of change that is brought about between oneself and another or solely by another person that directly affects you. Weaning is one of these changes. Ideally, a breastfeeding relationship will continue until the child outgrows the need. If the nursing relationship needs to end earlier it is recommended that weaning happen gently and gradually. We are very, very slowly weaning. I thought when we moved that the need to nurse would increase but my daughter surprised me by nursing even less. Except at night. She makes up for less nursing when she’s asleep!

I have mixed feelings about her weaning. She is my last baby and I want to end it right.  I was pretty successful with my oldest child’s weaning, but it was my decision to end it at her third birthday and she just accepted that. I am starting to want my youngest to stop nursing sooner than later. It is getting more uncomfortable for me, both psychologically and physically. It feels strange now, it’s uncomfortable. She is beginning to tell me things like “that side isn’t working mommy,” or “that one is empty.” Really? My milk supply is actually dwindling after all these years? It is certainly a loss of something I’ve cherished for such a long time. Instead of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it feels like I can see the darkness at the end of the light. The unknown. The place that makes me sad to think about. While I look forward to some aspects of it the same way I looked forward to aspects of our move, the place is fraught with uncertainly and loss.

I don’t want to be the person who sees the glass half empty. I like Pollyannas. I know that change is the one thing in life that is inevitable, and that’s fine when fate or my husband is making the decisions, but some days I really don’t like taking responsibility.

What about you? Do you fear change? If not, can you share what it is that gets you through the uncertainty? I’d be very grateful.

Related posts:

1. Finding Balance Amidst Change
2. Hey Facebook! Change Your Policies! Breastfeeding is Not Obscene!
3. Blog It Forward: Inspiring Change in Breastfeeding and Birth

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe’s Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on the Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today’s post is Wordless Wednesday: Breastfeeding Photos! Please read the other blogs in today’s carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

“It doesn’t matter how big they get. When they’re in your lap nursing they’re still your baby.” (St. Loius Smart Mama as left in comment section of Questions For You About Nursing Your Toddler.

1 day old.

14 months old.

24 months old.

39 months old.

She’s still my baby.

• Emily @ Baby Dickey—Wordless Wednesday: breastfeeding
• Timbra @ Bosoms and Babes—Firsts Wordless Wednesday: Carnival Day
• Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—Wordless Wednesday: Breastfeeding Photos
• Melodie @ Breastfeeding Moms Unite!—Breastfeeding a Toddler: It Doesn’t Matter How Big They Get
• Sara @ The Covered Wagon—Wordless Wednesday
• Renee @ Just the 5 of us!—Favorite Breastfeeding Photos
• BoobiesNBabies @ Num In Mind—Wordless Wednesday: DD2 Breastfeeding Photos
• Lauren @ Hobo Mama—Wordless Wednesday: Breastfeeding by the waterfall
• Whitney @ According To Waddlebug: The (Un)Balancing Act of Motherhood—Wordless Wednesday: Breastfeeding Goober Pie
• Shary @ Mama Fish—Wordless Wednesday: Favorite Breastfeeding Photos
• Anne @ Dou-la-la—Wordless Wednesday: Breastfeeding Cafe
• Lexi @ Life As A Mommy—Boob Love
• Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—Not Really Wordless Wednesday: First Breastfeeding Photo
  
• Natasha @ Natural Urban Mama—Wordless Wednesday: My Fave Breastfeeding Pics
• Kaitlin Rose @ Bring Birth Home—Wordless Wednesday – Family Nursing
• And of course Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is a slide show of 122 breastfeeding photos!—Maintaining Breastfeeding While Separated from One’s Baby—Often Known in the USA as Gainful Employment

Related posts:

1. Sentimental Baby Carrier
2. Wordless Wednesday: Nursing My Cuddly Kitty?
3. A Bike, A Beach and A Nursing Toddler

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe’s Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on the Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today’s post is about baby friendly communities. Please read the other blogs in today’s carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

When I think of Baby Friendly Communities I think of strong community role models. In my community, which has one of the highest breastfeeding rates in our province with a 97% initiation rate, I think of the public health nurses who hold the annual Breastfeeding Challenge and hold the annual breastfeeding photo contest. I think of our amazing local midwives who make sure their moms are breastfeeding successfully before they leave them and then visit them at home to make sure it stays that way. I think of our local OB/GYN who works with moms instead of following her own agenda. I think of our local La Leche League chapter who helped make me who I am.

To start, I can’t speak for local doctors because I don’t know any of them. My GP is in the city and did not see me throughout my pregnancies except in the very begining when I found out I was pregnant. I sheepishly told her I wanted a midwife-assisted birth and she told me she didn’t even do obstetrics and encouraged me to have a midwife!

The midwives. Not only did I learn more about pregnancy and birth and the wonderous powers of my body than I ever thought was possible, I formed an intimate bond with my midwives. They came on my birth journey with us. They were the coaches on our team who helped me reach my birthing goals. And when I got drafted into motherhood they stayed with me. They crammed my brain full of breastfeeding and mothering wisdom, and once they had given me all they could they let me go. And it wasn’t just me. It wasn’t just my bond with them. Everyone I know who has had them has said the same thing. Those women change other women’s lives. They make this community of mothers wise, strong and powerful.

The OB/GYN. We are fortunate to have a highly respected and skilled OB/GYN in our community. Not only is she a woman, she has an excellent working relationship with the local midwives. In fact, having seen her for a consultation and then having her deliver my first baby via c-section, I can honestly say that she was everything I would want an OB/GYN to be. She was friendly and interested in me as a person, she informed me of my choices, she respected my opinions, decisions, and requests, and she did a good job of my surgery. Later for my second pregnancy when there was a discussion about my needing some medication in the third trimester, she respected that I was breastfeeding a two year old and worked with me to find the best medical solution. When your midwives have a friend in the medical community you know you’re in good hands.

The public health nurses. Our public health unit has mom and baby groups led by a Lactation Consultant. I didn’t learn that about her until only recently because it’s not the hat she wears as the group facilitator, but it is no surprise that she is a breastfeeding advocate and one of my favorite local breastfeeding allies. The information and encouragement she and the other nurses bestow to new moms is top notch. I remember at one group a new mom announced she was not breastfeeding her new baby and started talking nonsense about formula. At the break a nurse who’d been quietly informed of this came into the group and gently took this new mom aside to give her the facts about formula and breastfeeding and present her with informed choices. I was in awe of the how this nurse balanced graceful respect and confident assertiveness. I thought “If this is how they always do things, no wonder we’re doing so well.”

La Leche League. I found my local LLL when my first born was 3 months old. I joined because I wanted to breastfeed longer than standard, but I felt like I needed more support for my choice to do so. I cannot tell you how much I learned going to those weekly meetings! Honestly, those women are responsible for giving me the information about breastfeeding that turned me into a passionate lactivist and breastfeeding blogger.

The Online Community. Even though an online community isn’t the same as one’s local community, for an individual, it can be the best community of all. I love my breastfeeding bloggy and twitter friends. The support and like-minded and like-acted doings of this crowd have kept me breastfeeding even longer than I thought I would be. The continued cornucopia of information and shared experiences from different people every week really gives me that sense of a global community. No, it isn’t just me and a few of my local friends who think this way and do things this way. There are so so so many of us, and we are constantly teaching each other and reminding each other of why we do what we do and believe what we believe in.

Being a breastfeeding blogger has given me new friends, new insights and revelations, new books to read and new experiences. In fact, you can join me for another one tomorrow as I am a guest on Karen Angstadt’s A Labor of Love radio show online where we will be talking about nursing toddlers and the things we didn’t know in advance. Remember that guest post she did for me a few weeks ago Questions For You About Nursing Your Toddler? Well, we’re going to dissect some of your comments so make sure you listen in on Monday at 1 PM EST.

• Emily @ Baby Dickey—Living in a baby friendly community
• Sara @ The Covered Wagon—A Baby-Friendly Worship Community
• Shary @ Mama Fish—A Community Fit For All Babies
• Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—Breastfeeding Carnival: Baby Friendly Community
• Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—Community is What You Make of It
• Kimberly @ Fertility Flower—Baby Friendly Maternity Leave
• Melodie @ Breastfeeding Moms Unite!—The People Who Make My Baby Friendly Community
• Timbra @ Bosoms and Babes—Baby Friendly Community: Carnival Day 1
• Claire @ Geeky Gaming Mama—Baby Friendly Community: What It Means To Me
• Renee @ Just the 5 of us!—Baby friendly, one baby at a time

Related posts:

1. A Very Breastfeeding Friendly Vancouver Island Baby Fair
2. Support for Breastfeeding Can Make All The Difference
3. Making Airlines Breastfeeding Friendly

Lately, I’ve been feeling it’s time to depend on something else. It’s time to increase my skill level as a mother as well as my the social skill level of my three year old. I didn’t and wouldn’t feel this way about a younger nursling, but I do now.

But when it comes to telephone interruptions I’m stumped. I’m sure a lot of you know the drill. At my house it’s like clockwork. As soon as I pick up the telephone to make a call, or the phone rings for me, my kids start vying for my attention. Even if they’ve been playing happily up to this point, even if their dad is present, no one will do but their mommy-kins. And the best way for me to get my youngest to stop whining is to give in and let her nurse. But I hate that I cope this way. It was fine when she was a baby and even for awhile when she was a toddler, but she’s three now. I want to be teaching her how to wait until mommy is off the phone to answer her questions. When she screams and cries and practically rips my shirt trying to get at my breast when she knows she is not supposed to interrupt me, the last thing I want to do is give in to her and leave her with the understanding that if she cries and whines long enough mommy will give in to her just to make her quiet so I can talk on the phone.

Today I was talking to my friend Ariane from Little Inkers Naturals. We were discussing this very topic while my youngest pleaded with me to nurse and I was trying to redirect her to ask her dad for a glass of water or a snack. In the end I finally let her nurse because I couldn’t concentrate on the conversation, which just happened to be at the same time Airiane was telling me about how she and her husband are teaching their daughter that she can’t get what she wants by screaming or whining. Oops! I’m trying to instill the same lesson, but obviously failing. Is there a secret to teaching kids not to interrupt? I know consistency is a big factor and I am consistent with making sure they talk to me in a polite and calm voice when I’m not on the phone. However, it is difficult to be consistent when I’m on the phone because every time they whine I have to interrupt my own conversation to say “use a nice voice please,” or “I said you can’t have any milkies until bedtime and the answer is still no.” And I end up talking more to my children, reminding them not to interrupt me, than I do with the person on the phone who I’m interrupting! If my children aren’t happy with my answer (which is practically always) the screaming lets louder and the whining becomes even more irritating. I’ve tried locking myself in my room or even going outside, but they follow me and/or pound on my door and cry so loud it just isn’t worth it. Putting a boob in their mouth works, but I don’t want it to anymore.

Do you have any suggestions for me to get my daughter to stop interrupting me while I’m on the phone that doesn’t include giving in and letting her nurse? I’d be ever so grateful. Thanks.

No related posts.

******

It’s been a few months since we talked about it and I wasn’t really sure what would happen next. I’ve been second-guessing myself: my priorities, my original commitment to child-led weaning- and even my parenting.  

So what’s happening, you ask? I told my little girl that I wanted to stop nursing after her birthday. We talked about it in March and now her birthday is right around the corner. In fact, it’s this week. She’ll be three on Wednesday. 

I haven’t mentioned it in a few weeks because I wasn’t sure I would follow through. I’ve had it easy in terms of bedtime, because nursing her to sleep is still the best job in the house. I’m not sure I want to give that up. (I would like to stop nursing first thing in the morning. My kids were born pre-programmed with internal alarm clocks that ring between 5 and 6 a.m. every day. The request for morning nursing comes early and I’m not a morning person.)  

About a week ago, a friend I hadn’t seen in a while commented about K, how big she’s grown and praised her communication skills. She also let me know that K confided in her that we’re going to stop nursing after her birthday. This was my first external confirmation that she remembers our conversation.  

Breastfeeding has been a long (and rewarding) path for me. It helped solidify my feelings about myself as a mother after a difficult birth experience. It took time, patience, persistence and commitment and in return gave me strength, validation, rest, and peace.  

I struggled with learning to breastfeed the first time around, because it was a lot tougher than I thought, and because I didn’t prepare in advance. I couldn’t figure out why I’d need a class for something so “natural” & boy did I find out in a hurry. My daughter, J, continued to nurse through most of my pregnancy, and only stopped when my breasts were too sore to continue.  

My learning curve the second time around, with K, was much shorter but included cracked and bleeding nipples from her very strong and persistent latch. These healed quickly with my experienced know-how and the help of lanolin and gel pads.  

I never anticipated nursing so long. It never occurred to me in the early days that my babies wouldn’t understand or care what the calendar (or poorly informed pediatricians) said about their needs. So I’m still a little surprised to find myself weaning, via open dialog, a communicative three year old. 

More surprising to me, I wrote about seeking a gentle end for nursing K almost a year ago, in my very first blog post. Now it’s really happening and my feelings are still mixed. I’m ready. At least I think I am. I never expected to breastfeed 2 children for nearly 5 ½ years total. I never expected to nurse a toddler. I have been (happily) surprised by many aspects of mothering.  

To celebrate my daughter’s birthday and in honor of this gentle transition, I’m planning to dedicate an episode of A Labor of Love to nursing a toddler. Here’s where I could really use your help.  

I only know my own experience, and although I’m planning to share the ideas that brought me to this point, I want to be sure I present additional perspectives and views. So I want to hear from the breastfeeding mamas who read and comment here at Breastfeeding Moms Unite.  

I want to hear what you think: Did you nurse your babes into toddlerhood? Why or why not? Did you have a specific time frame in mind, plan to let your child self-wean, or maybe you changed your mind along the way?  

What did you gain by nursing your toddler? What do you want other moms to know, especially new moms who are just beginning? What would you tell your younger self?  

I’ll be reading the comments here, but I won’t use them without your specific permission. You can give permission for me to read your comments during the show within your comment. (I plan to mention your first name and blog name, along with your comment.) 

If you are available for a live show (Mondays at 1pm ET/10 am PT) and would consider sharing your story on the air, email me at Intentional Birth (at) yahoo (dot) com for more information.  

Thanks in advance for your help- and thanks for everything that you each add to the larger breastfeeding community. It’s supportive women like you who have made it possible for me to nurse each of my girls into toddlerhood.

Karen Angstadt is a mother of 2, Wise Woman and Birth Mentor. With over 10 years experience teaching women to uncover, hear and honor their intuition through individual mentoring, in 2008, Karen began sharing her methods with pregnant women to guide them to their inner voice and empowered choices for birth.

Karen is the founder of Intentional Birth.com, host of A Labor of Love radio show on the VoiceAmerica network, author of the ebook, To Thine Own Self Be True, and serves women through individual mentoring, tele-seminars, and home study material.

Related posts:

1. A Bike, A Beach and A Nursing Toddler
2. Breastfeeding A Toddler During Pregnancy
3. The Pros and Cons of Breastfeeding a Toddler

photo credit: my 5 year old daughter

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1. Wordless Wednesday: Taking Risks
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3. Wordless Wednesday: Mountain Mama Breastfeeding