Dear friends, Over the weekend our office received many emails from angry women saying I had attacked breast-feeding. One woman even said I had equated breast-feeding with adultery, which has to be one of the most flagrant acts of misrepresentation I have ever encountered. In truth, the article they were quoting, which they said was new, was written four years ago in June, 2006. Even then it was severely misrepresented, so a few months later, in August 2006, I wrote this response below, portraying my real views on the importance of both breastfeeding and marriage. Should the need arise, I will write an even newer response so that my views are in no way misrepresented. Thank you. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach My Real Views on Breastfeeding Children By Rabbi Shmuley Boteach This past June (2006) I wrote a column and became the anti-Christ, which, in itself, is quite a feat for a Jewish rabbi. To be sure, in my life I have not hesitated to be controversial when the situation warranted. But to become, in the eyes of my devoted readers, the twin brother of Saddam Hussein over a straightforward article on breastfeeding was, to say the least, unexpected. But OK, if I was wrong, I’ll admit it. True, as many of you will point out, I’ve never been wrong before. But I am, after all, human, that is, unless you’re one of my breastfeeding critics, in which case I am a bushy-bearded, one-eyed Cyclops. But first the facts. The column I wrote was in response to a New York Times report on the benefits of breastfeeding for babies. I noted that while no one disagrees that breastfeeding is much better for a baby than formula, as a marital counselor I had seen that in some marriages, admittedly a minority, breastfeeding could come between a husband and wife, its incessant demands serving as an impediment to romance. For many couples it meant not being able to go out on a date without the baby for months, and having the baby sleep in the matrimonial bed, with the inevitable deleterious effect on the couples’ love life. My solution: if breastfeeding created distance between you and your husband, don’t feel guilty about supplementing the breast with the bottle. Sounds innocuous, right? But the suggestion opened the floodgates of hell. Women who admired me as a lifelong champion of women’s rights, in books like ‘Hating Women’ and ‘Kosher Sex,’ felt betrayed. They were now calling me a misogynist because, in their mind, I took the side of male chauvinists whose selfish claim on their wives’ time imperiled their children, and whose need to eroticize their wives’ breasts took precedence over the role of the breast in feeding a child. Commentary on the article exploded all over the internet with the inevitable misquotation and misrepresentation. Suddenly, I was reading how I had dismissed breastfeeding as unsexy and destructive to marriages. Women’s breasts’ don’t belong to their husbands, was how critics castigated the article. One woman wrote a Blog saying, “Breastfeeding does not hurt marriages. Selfish fathers hurt marriages.” Less charitably, one blogger claimed that I had equated breastfeeding with adultery, which is one of the stupidest things I have ever read. My article, of course, said none of these things. So here is my real position. Firstly, I absolutely believe that women should breastfeed. My wife has breastfed every single one of our nine children. It was good for her, it was good for the children, and it good for our marriage because it endeared my wife to me to see the extent of her devotion to our children. When we took a cross-country RV trip this summer, I told my wife repeatedly that she should avail herself, on the long daily drives, of breastfeeding our baby completely rather than giving him the occasional bottle which she had begun. I believe that a woman’s first choice should always be to breastfeed So why did I write my article? Because when we make breastfeeding an outright obsession, we cause harm to those families for whom the practice is a hardship. For instance, many families are absolutely dependent on a wife’s income for their basic sustenance. So a few weeks after having a baby, a mom will often be forced to return to work. She will feel extremely guilty at not being able to breastfeed during the day. Should we dig in the knife by telling her that she is harming her children? Since formula, albeit as a lesser alternative, exists, should we make her feel that quitting a necessary job must be prioritized over her rent and food money for her children? To be sure, it would be much better, of course, if she were to stay home with her baby. But for many women, that is simply not an option. And yes, I realize that she can express milk. But for many women, who are already overrun with too many job and household responsibilities, the added chore of having to express milk prior to rushing to work, after getting their other kids ready for school and making lunch, becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Then there are all the women who simply cannot breastfeed do to medical considerations. Many moms simply don’t have enough milk. And every time they read one of these article about how cruel it is not to breastfeed, they feel like inadequate mothers. Furthermore, however much people will disagree with and condemn me, I have counseled many marriages where breastfeeding became an impediment to romance. We can criticize those husbands all we want for not being understanding about their children’s need to be suckled. And in those counseling sessions, I did. I made it clear to the men that love and romance is holistic, encompassing a spouse as woman, wife, and mother. But in the final analysis if a husband and wife both agree that the little time they have together is being compromised by the constantly demands of breastfeeding, then it is for them to make the choice of an alternative, without those wives being made to feel like they are horrendous moms. In my article, I gave the example of a couple who appeared on Shalom in the Home, even though the breastfeeding aspect was not included in their on-air story. Their marriage was passionate and their attraction strong until the birth of their baby boy. This should not surprise us since a Harvard study indicates that sexual activity between a husband and wife decreases by about 74 percent in the first year after the birth of a child. What increased the loss of eroticism for this particular couple was that the mother nursed her baby constantly, so much so that the husband no longer felt he even had a place in their marital bed and moved into a spare bedroom. When I met them the baby was already a year old. The mom told me that her sex and romantic life with her husband had atrophied because of her being constantly on-call to breastfeed. I told her that in her case, having nursed the baby for an entire year, there was nothing wrong with putting him on the bottle some of the time and that the family would be better served if the marriage was brought back from the brink. Many readers assailed me for that advice, arguing that I should have told the husband to stop being so selfish and put the interests of his children first. I would respond that the husband felt that he had done so for an entire year, but now wanted to share intimacy with his wife and felt unable to do so because the baby was always in their bed. I believe strongly that children should have their own beds and should not be sleeping with their parents. I am adamant about this advice, what hatred is shown to me for it. In this couple’s case, the wife would nurse the baby in bed and both would fall asleep. I am, in general, a great opponent of children sleeping in the matrimonial bed because, first, it is inappropriate, and second, it prevents parents from being lovers, and a bad and loveless marriage is ultimately detrimental to the children who are a product of that marriage. Giving up breastfeeding was the right choice for this couple because the wife herself complained that she was too tired for sex since she was up most of the night feeding. She also said that she and her husband had stopped going out together on dates because she had to be back to feed the baby. In the first year after the baby’s birth, they did not go out alone together even once. When she put the baby on the bottle, her love life was restored and she and her husband were happier. Who has the right to judge this couple, and condemn the parents for being selfish, when their only desire was to recapture the affection that had produced the baby in the first place? While I am a staunch advocate of breastfeeding, and would not recommend the above advice for most couples, including myself, if forced to choose between a couple’s romantic life and supplementing breastfeeding with the bottle, I would advocate the bottle. Period. And I will endure the withering criticism that I have of late to stand by this advice. I am in the business of saving families and reversing the out of control American divorce rate. The best thing for children is to see their parents in love rather than the children becoming yo-yos of a divorced household, pulled between Mom and Dad every other weekend. Even so, breastfeeding remains the correct decision for the vast majority of couples and husbands should go out of their way to support and encourage their wives in making that choice. However in a case where both spouses agree that breastfeeding has come between them, then the baby will survive perfectly well on a bottle. I have written many times that the greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their mother, and the greatest gift a woman can give her children is to love their father. In a healthy marriage, horrible as it may sound, the relationship comes before the children. In an unhealthy marriage, the parents put the children before each other. This, as an marital counselor can tell you, simply doesn’t work. Husbands and wives with small children should feel no sense of guilt getting a babysitter once a week so that they can be a man and a woman on a date again. And they should try and go away at least one, and perhaps, twice a year together, even though it means leaving the children with family or friends. Marriages have needs to, and if you starve your marriage it will not survive. Period. As for the many women who were puzzled by my advice that when they breastfeed they should do so modestly and try, even a little, to cover up, this is consistent with my advice, given in my book ‘Kosher Adultery’ and elsewhere, that even after marriage husbands and wives should not parade around the bedroom naked for fear that overexposure to each other’s bodies could invite erotic boredom. Yes, the breast is an organ beautifully designed by G-d for the nurturance of a baby. But even as it becomes an infant’s milksource, it should always retain its erotic allure. Surely every woman is, and wishes to remain, attractive in every phase of life, and surely a husband who truly loves his wife will always show her how indescribably beautiful she is to him – as mother, wife, and woman.

My reaction: He just said the same things only more respectfully this time.

While I disagree with many of his views 1.) that bed sharing is not safe and that it prevents parents from being lovers – um, I’m living proof that this isn’t an issue in my household, and 2.) that breastfeeding or pumping is not an attainable goal when a mother returns to work – for some moms it can be too difficult, but anyone who makes breastfeeding or providing their baby with breast milk a priority can make it work!) I appreciate that he highlighted (it was completely lost in his first article) that this is the advice he gave to this specific family who had their own specific set of issues, and that he wouldn’t necessarily give this same advice to everyone.

Personally, I agree that the relationship between a husband and wife needs to come first. Children need to see that their mom and dad love each other in order to learn how to love and be loved when they are older. However, this doesn’t have to mean make time for sex every night and screw the breastfeeding, and I do think that husbands need to suck it up for the first year or two while their child gets the best start in life. MIne has and he’s just fine thank you. Also, a baby doesn’t see anything outside of himself during the early years anyway. I’m not talking about witnessing abuse because I do think that can have a major impact on a child even when it’s an infant.

Other Ways To Be Intimate

A mother can decrease the amount she breastfeeds and ensure time with her husband. One way tot do this is to start putting the baby to bed at the same time every night. This is how I finally got my girls into a bedtime routine that allowed me to have time with my husband in the evening. But before either of them was two I was going to bed at the same time they did (usually 10 or 11 PM) because I was so freaking tired! It’s possible to do it when children are younger, but it wasn’t a priority for me or my marriage at the time. Another way to ensure intimacy is to be spontaneous! Sex doesn’t need to take place only at night in the marital bed. It can happen any time of day or night as long as you have time and anywhere you have privacy. Intimacy encompasses more than sex too. A gentle loving touch, love notes, sexy phone calls, sweet emails, a surprise make out session in the hallway, hugs and kisses and doing thoughtful things for each other that make each other’s lives easier and sweeter knowing that the other person did it because they love you.

It seems to me that Rabbi Shmuley’s first article passionately vented his personal opinions about breastfeeding and women and his second article was written after he’d composed himself a little. It’s too bad he didn’t write the second article first. I think he could have saved himself a great deal of negative press.

Related posts:

1. Has Breastfeeding Hurt Your Marriage?
2. Update on Lansinoh’s WHO Code Compliance
3. Update: My Long Lost Love

Essentially, the Rabbi says that women who are devoted to breastfeeding are committing a “cardinal sin” by not putting their husbands and thus their marriages before the needs of their children. He goes on to say that when husbands see their wives breastfeed they lose interest in their wives sexually, and since the “erotic nature of a wife’s body is a principle element of attraction in marriage,” choosing to breastfeed and bond with your baby is akin to choosing the demise of your marriage. “It is not the bad thing you do that destroys a marriage, but all the good that you fail to do, preoccupied as you are with a sinful relationship that diverts your attention away from your spouse.”

Sinful relationship? Wow.

Still, I decided that I wanted to write a religion-sensitive rebuttal. Already, I could see that the Rabbi was getting passed off as a douchebag, and while I secretly agree, I wanted to come at the story from another angle. However, when I got down to it I had a very hard time doing so. For one thing, I’m not Jewish, and while I have Jewish friends and some idea of how women are viewed within the religion, I quickly realized I wasn’t qualified to say much without coming across as judging the Rabbi Shmuley’s beliefs.

Luckily, my Jewish friend Hayley was coming for dinner. Hayley is not a mom but is a child and infant specialist and counsellor and has worked in the field for over 20 years.

“Can you come read this?” I asked her. “I don’t know what to say and I need your Jewish cultural perspective on it. I really want to be sensitive to a few of his ideas about women which I think come from being a conservative Jew, but I need your advice on how to do so. I mean, I don’t agree with anything he said and I could just go with that, but I think everyone else is going to be calling him a douchebag, and I want to try to be more sensitive.”

She sat down at the computer and started reading.

“This guy doesn’t know what he is talking about!” she declared. “How do I reply to this? Give me his contact information so I can blast him!”

We followed the link from beliefnet to Rabbi Shmuley’s personal website and this is what she wrote:

Dear Rabbi,

I am Jewish Woman who is also an infant specialist. I am appalled by your article about breastfeeding. First of all, breastfeeding and a child’s needs should always come before an adults’ needs. My grandfather taught me that children come first because they are helpless, unlike grown horny men. This article totally is a selfish male view and demeaning to women, it essentially blames women for the break-down of marriages and sexuality. Take a look at Africa where women breast-feed and India too….. the children sleep with their mothers which is for their protection. Breasts in these cases are used for what they were intended to… feeding the young, just like in the animal kingdom….. It is male western society that has sexualized these parts of women. Take a look at society, we live in nuclear families and not in communities… Families, women do not receive the support they need when a child is born. There are not aunties, uncles and grandparents to help with the children so couples can be rested and able to enjoy themselves. The demands of the work force and common day stresses add to this. If families had the supports they needed, I’m sure there would be more sex in the bedroom. Because even if women were not breast feeding, they would be tired from bottle feeding in the middle of the night as well as cleaning the house and having her hormones changing at this time. Any mother I know, and trust me I have worked with several hundreds, are not sexual when they give birth, they are tired whether they are bottle or breastfeeding. A baby sitter or a cleaning lady would help marriages much better. Stick to the Torah, what you know, because you are not a woman and do not have a woman’s intuitive wisdom!

Hayley

*****

So much for worrying about being sensitive to a douchebag.

The only thing I want to do now, to semi-scientifically evaluate his opinion on this matter, is ask you: Has breastfeeding hurt your marriage?  If you say no, would your husband agree with you? Because obviously this was written from a male perspective. And while I would like to think that this viewpoint is rare, maybe it’s not. Maybe our husbands secretly are wishing we’d wean earlier. Maybe they do resent all the time and affection we lavish on our nurslings. I know this is true for some people, but is it to the extent that it actually hurts our marriages? Will men go so far as to blame us for doing what I see as our mothering duty as the reason the marriage is ending?

My husband would say no. We don’t even sleep in the same bed, but neither breastfeeding nor bed sharing has interfered in our intimacy. He sees my breasts as having a dual function and doesn’t feel that my nursing takes away from their sexuality at all.  I think it’s safe to say  that my friends’ partners would agree. They are so used to seeing our breasts pop out to feed our kids that they don’t even bat an eyelash. In fact, the one time I donned a Bébé Au Lait nursing cover for a review at a party and passed it around for the other moms to try, they commented that it was so weird we were suddenly trying to hide them.

Anyway.

I’m interested in what you and your husband or partner thinks about this article. Can breastfeeding hurt a marriage? Has it negatively affected or hurt yours? I hope you will share. Feel free to be anonymous if you like.

********UPDATE********

A representative from shmuley.com wrote to tell me that Rabbi Shmuley wrote a retraction of this article. To read it please see my post Update: Rabbi Shmuley’s Retraction and My Reaction.

Related posts:

1. Update: Rabbi Shmuley’s Retraction and My Reaction
2. What’s Wrong With Breastfeeding At Church?
3. Haiti Needs Breastfeeding Moms

Kate Hansen is a British Columbia artist who after the birth of her son in 2007 was inspired by her own experience of childbirth and motherhood to create art. By 2008, after the birth of her daughter she had also determined that she would accompany a series of mother and child portraits, “The Madonna and Child Series,” with the mother’s birth story.

"Gladys and Elizabeth" by Kate Hansen

Her portraits are done with conte crayon and accented with a gold leaf halo. They were made with reference to portraits of the Virgin Mary with child from the 15th century, as well as an early 20th century revival of the practice by such artists as William Adolphe Bouguereau. She got the idea for the patterned design inside the “Gladys and Elizabeth” portrait from cutting paper snowflakes with her son.

"Krista and Colum" by Kate Hansen

Three of her portraits are of mothers breastfeeding their children. Kate wanted to capture the joy, awe and reverence that surrounds a breastfeeding mother by depicting them in the same fashion as the Mother Mary portraits of the 15th century. Due to the purity and innocence that comes through in her work, it was surprising to her and many others when Facebook removed these works.

"Krizstina and Finbar" by Kate Hansen

Of course, I’m not really surprised by any breastfeeding photos or artwork that Facebook takes down anymore. A woman could be wearing a baby completely covered by a nursing shawl and just say she’s breastfeeding and get her photo taken down and I wouldn’t be a tad bit surprised, but I digress.

She says:

I posted one of them on a figurative artists group on facebook, and was surprised to see that it had been removed on March 27th, 2010. I had already posted two more portraits, and I went ahead and reposted the one in question, thinking it must have been a glitch. My new artwork was removed on March 28th, and then on March 29th the re-posted portrait was removed as well. I reposted all three in a row, as a kind of experiment, and then I received the following letter in by email:

Hello,

You posted an item that violated our Terms of Use, and this item has been removed. Among other things, content that is hateful, threatening, or obscene is not allowed, nor is content that attacks an individual or group. Continued misuse of Facebook’s features could result in your account being disabled.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can contact us at warning@facebook.com from your login email address.

The Facebook Team

These actions have resulted in a number of guest features on radio talk shows as well as newspaper interviews and articles all over the country, as well as another deletion. Facebook deleted her again on May 13th after telling the Toronto Star it had been an accident! All this press has a lot of people talking about Kate Hansen’s work. Some people are discussing art censorship while others are discussing breastfeeding. More specifically they’re discussing breastfeeding in public.

Kate Hansen: Artist - Gallery Shot

Kate’s feels that “the treatment of my breastfeeding subject matter by facebook is indicative of the very high expectations that society holds for mothers. Mothers are expected to breastfeed, every health organization tells us it’s the best choice, yet images of women breastfeeding are treated with hostility and distain. Women are treated badly when breastfeeding in public. The result is an impossible ideal of motherhood that no mother could possibly meet.”

This got me thinking. She’s right about the impossible ideal of motherhood that no mother could possibly meet. It’s almost right up there with trying to meet the ideals of the Virgin Mother herself, which she admits that in the birth stories, she wanted to draw some parallels between our own ideals of what a mother should be, and the cultural ideal of motherhood, symbolized by the Virgin Mary. She wanted “simultaneously to honour motherhood, in all the glory of its imperfection,” and this to me, brings the whole story, her beautiful idealistic artwork, and Facebook’s ridiculous obscenity policies, full circle.

Except Facebook doesn’t even want us mothers to be like The Virgin. Unless we’re wearing sexy garters and have lots of cleavage coming out of a lacy bra. C’mon Facebook! I mean seriously!!!

Images courtesy of Kate Hansen. Information based on artist’s statement and personal communication.

For more information and to see some more wonderful art, please see the Kate Hansen Art website.

Related posts:

1. Hey Facebook! Change Your Policies! Breastfeeding is Not Obscene!
2. Why Women Post Their Breastfeeding Photos
3. Monday Musings: Are You Going?

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This is a special post to celebrate a special person and her very special project.

I’ve had the good fortune to listen to Sweet Songs on its MySpace page, and in all honesty I was transfixed by the music. This isn’t your squeaky voiced elementary school songster with synthesizers kind of kid’s CD. This is your group of talented friends sitting in your living room as the sun goes down, plucking at their guitars and crooning to a group of silent listeners. This is your best friend who wrote a silly song about her daughter that you can totally relate to. This is an old tale retold to make your kids laugh and dance. These are songs about our kids and for our kids that the whole family will enjoy. This is something I would listen to in my car while running an errand without my kids. Like I said, I was transfixed.

The ensemble of artists is pretty mind blowing. (Austin must be a hot pot for talent or something!) Some of these folks have work that has been nominated for a Grammy, or whose songs have been featured in films or television, and who have won awards for voice and song writing. The album’s producer, Sara Hickman, will become Texas’s Official State Musician this month! Monica Cravotta herself is a singer and co-owns Hideout Studios with her husband.

Now for the double take. I say this because I did a double take when I read it and needed to find it printed in a few spots before I could concede that it wasn’t a typo. One hundred percent of the profits from the sales of Sweet Songs is going to the Mother’s Milk Bank in Austin. This milk bank serves Texas as well as some of the surrounding states. I don’t think I need to tell you what good milk banks do for premature babies, but if you want to learn more see the Mother’s Milk Bank in Austin website.

Between Monica and her seven friends each contributing original songs, there are thirteen tracks, eight originals and five covers. The album’s cover art was done by Austin artist Andrea Burden who passed away suddenly in 2009 but who was connected to a number of the Sweet Songs artists. To see more of Andrea’s work please visit her website.

If you are in the market for a new children’s CD and looking for something sweet for you and your kids to enjoy together, stop searching and go buy this one. While you’re at it buy one for your best friend and her family. Not sold? Go listen to the songs right now on the album’s My Space page. And remember 100% of the profits are going to the Mother’s Milk Bank in Austin. When you buy this CD you are benefitting countless babies and mothers and further advocating for breastfeeding. 

Personally, I can’t wait for my copy.

To Buy it go to www.austinsweetsongs.com

Related posts:

1. Breastfeeding Songs To Save Lives
2. Oh My Heart! My Daughter Stole My Favorite Band
3. A Mother’s Day Card from Your Kids

First of all, The Discovery Health Channel has “Baby Week” starting March 1st. On March 3rd a segment called “Radical Parenting” is airing. This explores what some consider alternative parenting styles, such as extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting and gender-neutral child raising. The special features real parents talking about their parenting choices and how they have worked for them. One of these families is none other than The Feminist Breeder who, with her husband, discusses why they choose to raise their two boys gender-neutral.

Also on March 3rd, Christine from Momzelle is going to be on CBC’s Dragon’s Den (USA has a similar show called Shark Tank) to help take her organic cotton nursing wear business to the next level. What I’m really excited about is that the business owner’s sister-in-law will be breastfeeding her baby on air to model the clothing as well as to show the world that breastfeeding in public (or at least in front of 1 700 000 viewers!) is normal, natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

I’m really excited that parents who truly value breastfeeding and natural parenting are going on national television to help promote these practices. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the media on both sides of the border will depict these parents in a positive light.

****** ***

I wasn’t going to blog about this, but since Gina aka The Feminist Breeder told me I should, I will. The other day (like 4 days ago) Discovery Health sent me an email to tell me about the show. It was a letter I assume a number of breastfeeding or attachment parenting bloggers received. I wrote back telling them that I knew about the show, had applied for it, knew The Feminist Breeder was going to be on it, and that I planned to blog about it but that I didn’t have the channel so unfortunately I would not be able to watch it myself. They wrote back telling me that they would send me a copy of the episode if I wanted. I was totally stoked!

Backing up….. in January I ordered my husband’s birthday gift on Etsy. I recived notification that it was sent out on February 15th, but by February 27th it had only just left Florida. (Why do they call it “priority post” if it’s obviously not a priority to anybody?) Needless to say, today is hubby’s birthday and he received a print out of the tracking number as his gift. But this morning there is a knock on the door and the UPS man hands me a parcel. What could it be? Lo and behold it’s the DVD of the Radical Parenting episode and it doesn’t even air until tomorrow! It took two days to reach me! In the future I think I will order birthday presents from TV stations.

And no, I haven’t watched it yet. No spoilers here!

Which one will you be watching?

This post is a part of Tuesdays Unwrapped at Chatting at the Sky.

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More people die. Babies and children die from preventable waterborne illnesses like diarrhea and malaria.

However, Save The Children is doing their best to prevent this from happening. They, in partnership with the Ministry of Health and with support from the U.S. Agency for International Development, have produced and are broadcasting Creole songs to communicate lifesaving health messages through songs to Haitian mothers. Since there is still  little to no electricity in Haiti, the radio has become the best way to access information. These songs hold messages about breastfeeding, nutrition and hygeine to help save lives. The idea is that when people remember songs they like, they are likely to remember the tune and the message.

I memorized my multiplication tables in grade two the same way, so it sounds like a pretty smart way to share information to me.

Interestingly, the project produced these Creole songs and public service announcements before the earthquake, working with local communities and children (Source).

To have a listen to you will have to follow this link. I was not able to figure out a way to embed them here.

Now if only we in North America could get breastfeeding songs or public service announcements on the radio…

Related posts:

1. Sweet Songs for Sweet Milk on Mother’s Day
2. Haiti Needs Breastfeeding Moms
3. Guest Starring…Breastfeeding Moms Unite!